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Old 01-04-2020, 06:14 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Complete Mess


I didn't want to post this but she contacted me this week.

I didn't know it was her - wasn't her long time cell number

We ended up talking Tuesday & Thursday

Well the train went off the tracks. She got evicted, crashed totaled car I bought her its gone, all her possession's were put in storage. She couldn't pay for storage & its all gone. Her cell phone got disconnected. CPS got involved. Daughter was taken & placed with family.

she was homeless for like 4 months.

She lost everything. Everything I bought for her is all gone. She got on Medicaid & went away to rehab. She just got out.

Its a complete & utter train wreck. I cant even tell you all that went on with her. She has nothing left.

Its a very sad situation. Its all I can say for now. The only good news is shes alive.
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Old 01-04-2020, 08:42 AM   #2 (permalink)
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hey Hardlessons. Well, yes, that is a mess. You have to wonder why someone contacts you after all is destroyed.

And I know, this is why we don't block numbers, even if she had called from her regular number. I personally can't decide if that's good or bad.

But anyway, why didn't you want to post this?

For your part, are you stepping in to help again? If so, I would say to use caution (I know you already know). While it's possible you might want to throw all the bells and whistles at her, IF you are even considering helping, maybe helping find a sober living arrangement?

Most important, how are YOU doing?
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Old 01-04-2020, 09:22 AM   #3 (permalink)
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CPS got involved. Daughter was taken & placed with family.

personally i think this is the best news out of all of it. now the child stands half a chance.

so what's your plan here HL? it's is important to note that everything you, an outside source, did FOR her, went down in flames. and if she is to be believed, it was only AFTER she had absolutely nothing left that she found a way into rehab. mind you, i'd hesitate to believe her.

IMO, leave her to it. do not "help" - not even bus fare. don't feel sad for her, or fall into the pity trap. she did this to herself, and to her daughter, by her own choices and actions. she trashed every good thing handed to her. she put her child thru hell. and for what? her own selfish, self destructive wants and impulses.

you've been warned!
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Old 01-04-2020, 10:25 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Not sure if this helps you at all, but with slippery slope people, when there’s a relationship roller coaster ride history like that, I do think contact with the person is like being “off the wagon” with a substance. For me, it helps to repeat to myself “no contact is on the wagon”. She slipped through :/. Good luck, please take care.
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Old 01-04-2020, 10:39 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Yes I was warned a long time ago now

I did all I could do for her years ago. I totally set her up to have a chance at living a good life. Well that's all gone now. All of it.

I guess I knew it would happen. I didn't want it to happen.

I talked to the daughter yesterday to check on her. Its the first time I ever reached out to her. Last time she reached out to me was Dec 2018. I told her the mother told me everything that happened. Daughter confirmed it all. She did tell me she is ok & still doing well in school. So yes that's good. She really seemed ok.

I don't believe anything she told me. So I contacted the kid.

I don't know why I didn't want to post this. Its really all such a mess.

Im not getting involved with where she lives. Not giving her advice. What advice would I even give her? I certainly cant fix this. I tried once very hard to fix it & its all gone.

When I spoke to her I mostly listened. I didn't get mad at all. None of it was really a surprise. I did say some things to her in a soft way. Didn't want to push her over the edge.

It was very difficult to hear all that happened. Its was like fall out from a war.

I knew this was all possible but I guess I didn't think it would happen like this. Its really like a bomb went off & left nothing behind.

Yes was all by her own choices. Yes self destructive wants & impulses.

If I could have saved her I would have done it loooong ago. I know theres nothing I can do about this. Even the car I got her & it was a nice car was nothing more than provide her transportation to do bad things. Really bad things. In a way im glad its gone.
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Old 01-04-2020, 12:05 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I'm so glad the Daughter is doing well! That's good news.

Your boundaries are really strong, that's good too.
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Old 01-05-2020, 03:09 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Time will tell but its hard for me to imagine she's done chasing her life of addiction. Shes been doing it long term. Its all she knows. All the people she knows are all in that lifestyle. She doesn't know any normal type people. I cant imagine she will be able to change her entire life around. She doesn't have that kind of support system in place. Not sure she has any support system in place.

The chances are far greater that what has happened will serve to slow her down for sure. But as time goes by I think it will ramp back up. I hope not but that's how I feel.

She is like a cat with 9 lives however she is on like life 15. She is still alive but from what she told me of what went on shes lucky to be alive.

I am glad over the past couple years I didn't have a front row seat watching her destroy her life.

Now validated in hind sight - getting away from her in June 2017 was definitely the right thing to do.
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Old 01-05-2020, 08:01 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Are you feeling like, okay, now I know, back to no contact? Or is there a part of you that is saying she’s lost everything, and now my boundaries are better (which is good!), so she’s not a threat to you at the moment, I can handle a little bit of contact?

If there’s any part of you at all that has even a teeny tiny bit of the thinking of scenario #2 (I remember you mentioning before she’s your soft spot person, and in my opinion, soft spot person train wreck + any contact what so ever = playing Russian roulette), I’ll leave this article here for you. Just substitute alcoholic/ addict for the word narcissist (which in addictive addiction, it’s the same types of behaviors you are dealing with). There are some links throughout, and at the bottom, to additional articles:


https://narcsite.com/2019/08/06/the-...ur-no-contact/

(from the narcsite; The Breaking Of No Contact)

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Old 01-05-2020, 08:01 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Didn't want to push her over the edge
Ahem.
You know better than that.

It's comforting to know the teenage girl is in a healthy home and doing well. I hope she is accessing all support available to her. That poor girl has some serious baggage she's going to carry through this life thanks to her parent's extremely poor choices. My heart and best wishes go out to her.

I'm glad you decided to tell us about this contact HL. I think I know why you didn't want to tell us, I think you know why too. I was really worried when I started reading this post, but now by the time I got this far into it, I'm just slightly concerned.

Your boundaries sound strong. I hope you keep them shored up. You aren't looking at her through rose tinted glasses so that's good. She has known for a long time you were done bailing her out but yet again she has circled back around. She is looking for a resource. You know this.

I know this whole "her" situation has put an ache in your heart that will never go away. I live with that same kind of wound. Don't allow her to poke her fingers in there and dig around. It's only going to cause you more pain and it will not help her at all. She can still have a good clean life if that's what she chooses to do. That's nothing to do with you.

She contacted you just a few days ago and now, how much of your time is spent thinking about her again? Danger, danger, danger!!!

Stay strong friend.

*hug*
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Old 01-05-2020, 08:51 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Time will tell but its hard for me to imagine she's done chasing her life of addiction.
I can't imagine she is either and I don't say that in a judgmental way and I'm sure you don't either. It just is what she knows.

Now people DO turn their lives around, nothing I have read about her leads me to believe for one minute that is where she is at.

In fact her contacting you and spilling all of the beans flies in the face of that.

If she had contacted you and said - this all went on - but I have been in contact with the salvation army and I have a spot at sober living and etc etc. Or anything! But of course that didn't happen. Is there even one thing she mentioned where she is trying to help herself. She's not stupid, she knows what's available.

Instead she probably pondered how great it was when you were there to prop her up, somewhere to live, food etc etc (all the while still using!).

It is sad, it's a tragedy. This lifestyle she leads has a terrible hold on her.
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Old 01-05-2020, 10:13 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Thanks for you words PDM SBM & TM I read your response AH carefully

What a freakin mess

The daughters father is also a loooong term heroin addict. As far as I know still is. in & out of jail so many times I cant remember it all. This all hit home for this girl when she was like 4 both parents got put in jail and she was place with family by CPS. So as sad as it is to say she knows this story long term better than me. I texted a bit more with her yesterday & she really does seem to be ok. She sent me a recent picture. Such a beautiful kid.

The mother is living in family house basement. She is off methadone & has been put on suboxone. She goes to the doctor now once a week. In stead of daily to the methadone clinic. Supposedly the suboxone doctor drug tests her once a week. This is all new & just started. She told me she still drinks alcohol some. She said its no big deal though.

I don't know what other support she has. Im sorry for my language but who is she f-ing trying to kid here?????? She just got out of rehab a few days ago.

I talked to her a bit more yesterday by text. She got some type of app to text by internet. She seems way overly happy. Almost child like & silly. Said she wanted to see me today.

Early this morning I sent her a long text. I laid it out as nicely as I could why I cant see her. Why me & my money cant help her. I was never able to help her. I told her I am not & will not help her get the train back on the tracks. She will have to figure that out herself. I said a lot but wasn't mean. At least I hope not. These are not easy subjects.

I knew she was sleeping when I said it. Im sure she has read it by now. I didn't get a response & don't expect one. She reached out to me not me her. She is obviously in an extremely vulnerable place. Shes not taking into account what ive been through with her. For years every crazy BS you can imagine & then some way more. I know her & her story all too well.

Yes heart ache. I am stronger & much more knowledgeable than I was before. It still all sucks.

So my text this morning said a lot but it definitely shut the money help door.

She is one clever & creative girl. Maybe she will move on the #2 or 200 until she gets what she wants & needs now & that's $$$$ she has none as in zero.

Trail Mix you have no idea of the totality of her lifestyle. Yes you know some from me. It is so f-ing tragic & has gone on for many many years. Never ending cycle. If you knew it all you might throw up. Yet she sent me pictures of herself yesterday she still looks good & very normal LOL You could never tell just by looking at her.
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Old 01-05-2020, 10:52 AM   #12 (permalink)
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She got on Medicaid & went away to rehab. She just got out.
Last falI I was contacted through a third party that my son, missing for over 15 years, had just got out of prison, was clean and...*HUGE RED FLAG*...living with his support worker from the John Howard Society (a group that helps newly released prisoners find work and housing). She was his coordinator and I am absolutely certain that this is unethical, and probably against the company rules, to move a recently released prisoner in with you.

I told the third party that I wanted 6 months, to see how his recovery was or was not, going. Not one month passed and he was back at it, as I sadly suspected he would be.

The difference between this time and all the times before was that this time I chose not to join the circus, to embrace my own recovery and stay diligent to not get drawn in again, even after all these years. I pray for my son every day and turn his care over to God. I accept that he may never get clean and that nothing I do or do not do will change that...it's what HE does or does not do that will make a difference. It's all between my son and God and this mama has let the circus leave town without her.

My point here, Hardlessons, is that she is recently out of Rehab. She has not established her own plan for recovery, and sadly, she may return to old ways blaming all the misfortune in her life, rather than taking responsibility for it and fighting to stay clean.

You have done well, going no contact. I am so glad her daughter is safe, she is the innocent here.

Take a deep breath and make a plan for your recovery. You may need it more than ever now.

Hugs
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Old 01-05-2020, 12:32 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Early this morning I sent her a long text. I laid it out as nicely as I could why I cant see her. Why me & my money cant help her. I was never able to help her. I told her I am not & will not help her get the train back on the tracks. She will have to figure that out herself. I said a lot but wasn't mean. At least I hope not. These are not easy subjects.
Not sure what her pattern is, if she’s the type to lash out and get vicious at something like this, or go all damsel in distress on you (I suppose maybe she’ll try whatever she thinks will work). But this person isn’t well. There is no “you” and “me”, and “your feelings” and “my feelings”. It’s just “me, me, me, my world and my needs”. Please be careful of thinking you can say something to smooth things out, and/ or have your feeling and needs be validated and respected. Thinking this can be the outcome with an unwell person, is a trap.
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Old 01-05-2020, 06:51 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Oh, HL. I am so sorry to read that she is back, or trying to be.

I know the fate of her daughter has been a huge concern for you and that has been used as a way to manipulate you in the past. Now you know she is in better hands, at least.

Have you blocked this new number where the addict contacted you?

I hope you have...and honestly, I also hope that you don’t pick up any calls from unknown numbers. They can go to voicemail, yes?

I am concerned because you were doing so very well and now I’m hearing you say things like, “I hope I wasn’t mean,” and “I didn’t want to push her over the edge.” That sounds like you’re sliding back into feeling responsible for her feelings, which you are not.

You can’t fix it and you know you nearly destroyed yourself trying.

The stove is still hot, yes?

Sending you a hug and hopes for clarity and strength, always.
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Old 01-06-2020, 03:37 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Ann thank you for telling me more about your son. Im very sorry for your situation. I read what you wrote carefully.

Yes Ann she only knows one life. A life just filled to no end with addiction. I well know she is blowing a lot of smoke right now. Time will tell.

I don't know whats going to happen here with her. I don't know what she is going to do with her life.

I wanted her to know what I am not going to do for her. I felt I should as politely as possible just end any notion that I am going to help her. So I sent it to her. I didn't want to say it in a mean way. I just wanted her to clearly know.

I didn't hear back from her. I didn't think I would. I suspect she got to the second "I am not" then deleted the text. I doubt she read it all. LOL

PDM - she isn't well. Ive know that for a long time. She is very sick & needs big time professional help to unravel years of addiction. I don't know how that would ever happen. Yeah she is a damsel in distress. But I am not the white night riding in to save the day. Me & that horse went over the cliff long ago - we ride together no more.

Aries - yes the stove is still hot - will always be hot. I cant stand that heat Aries So I stay out of that kitchen. I am not saying that I don't like that kitchen. I do clearly know my limitations.

Yes I do find great comfort knowing this daughter is no longer living in a house just filled with addiction. Father mother friends acquaintances all addicts. So I am very glad & thank god she lives elsewhere. I don't know exactly when this happened but think it was early last year 2019 maybe before. That is the good news here.
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Old 01-06-2020, 04:19 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Yes that makes sense, wanting to set clear boundaries with her. I guess my thinking on it, is “anything you say or do will be used against you in the court of law”. Maybe she just skimmed it and got the general tone/ emotion from it, and will leave you be, but I don’t know about that. I’m concerned for you too :/.
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Old 01-06-2020, 08:20 AM   #17 (permalink)
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PDM

Thanks for your concerns.

She is a very street smart type of person. Maybe one of the best out there. Certainly could be nominated for an Academy Award best actress category.

She had nothing to lose by testing me out - & if I bit on the bait - everything to possibly gain.

A long time ago I stopped praying for her. I used to pray for specific outcomes in her life. But then realized I have no clue what's best for her. So I would leave it in God's hands & God's will type of thing. God knows best not me.

Years ago, when I first met her, she was on the very edge of disaster. No food in the house, utilities off, no heat, no hot water, broken down car, DUI arrest, warrants - etc etc Well I interceded & fixed all of that. Changed it all dramatically like night & day. No comparison. I thought I was doing the right thing.

Well all I did back then was interfere with God's will for her. I messed up his plan for her life. I eliminated all consequences concerning her horrendous choices.

I am not doing that again. This will play out according to God's will for her - not mine. I am trying hard to do the right thing by her - not because I don't care about her - but because I do care about her.
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Old 01-06-2020, 08:51 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Sending you huge hugs and lots of support.
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Old 01-06-2020, 09:52 AM   #19 (permalink)
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I hear you, Hardlessons. In my life I currently have a (long term, but distant) soft spot train wreck person (which ended up having to be no contact because even with the distance, he would find some way to poke at me and randomly say things to try to mess with my head), as well as an addict family member, so boy do I get it. And no doubt you have always had her best interests at heart. ❤️
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Old 01-06-2020, 10:43 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Well all I did back then was interfere with God's will for her. I messed up his plan for her life. I eliminated all consequences concerning her horrendous choices.
Well, if you believe in the plan then you were supposed to appear there correct? You don't know that you messed up a plan!

I certainly wouldn't blame myself for trying to help out a woman and her child, however pointless it became eventually. You didn't know what you didn't know. Perhaps you were there to help the Daughter rather than the Mother.

And speaking of knowing, you don't know her, true? You know her behaviour and you know that she looks good. All of the deep soul searching secrets she told you are veiled in a mask of heroin, even if she was ever "sober" at the time, as you know.

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Well the train went off the tracks. She got evicted, crashed totaled car I bought her its gone, all her possession's were put in storage. She couldn't pay for storage & its all gone. Her cell phone got disconnected. CPS got involved. Daughter was taken & placed with family.

she was homeless for like 4 months.
Your helping here is a mountain of help that most people never get. There are plenty of people in this world that suffer from addictions or just poverty. No one ever rides in to save them. She was handed all this on a platter. ffwd - she is just out of rehab. Does she choose to get help and carry on and maybe get her Daughter back? No, she has a drink (and who knows what else).

She has lost everything for real this time, she has none of the things, just as you found her originally and her Daughter has even been taken away.

So I guess my point is, your compassion and sympathy for her is commendable, but I wouldn't spend too much of it on her. For the Daughter yes, for her, no.

You have drawn a firm boundary, she won't take advantage of your again (probably) but you still suffer. That's where your focus should be perhaps? How do you get past that? How do you work on that?
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