Complete Mess
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Join Date: May 2010
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This should be a sticky......
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
HL - we gotta remember that some people don't WANT to straighten up and fly right. they prefer to rip and run and crash and burn and obliterate. i came, i saw, i wrecked it.
also remember, while it still feels personal, it's not. she will lie just as convincingly to ANYONE listening that she might be able to con. it's ALLLLLL about the con. to her we are all rubes.
below is a list of personality traits - for sociopaths. any of it look/sound/feel familiar????
Glibness and Superficial Charm
Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.
Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."
Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.
Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.
Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.
Incapacity for Love
Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.
Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.
Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.
Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.
Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.
Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.
Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.
Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.
also remember, while it still feels personal, it's not. she will lie just as convincingly to ANYONE listening that she might be able to con. it's ALLLLLL about the con. to her we are all rubes.
below is a list of personality traits - for sociopaths. any of it look/sound/feel familiar????
Glibness and Superficial Charm
Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.
Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."
Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.
Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.
Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.
Incapacity for Love
Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.
Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.
Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.
Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.
Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.
Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.
Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.
Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Hopeful - AH post of sociopath traits is already a sticky. From years of dealing with her its a sticky permanently tattooed on my brain.
FYI since I texted her my I will not manifesto haven't heard a peep. Hopefully she got on her broomstick & flew far away.
FYI since I texted her my I will not manifesto haven't heard a peep. Hopefully she got on her broomstick & flew far away.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,915
You don't have to wait for her to fly away. You can fly away and never again have any contact with her. You can do that by blocking her from any type of communication. It's your decision, not hers. If you are done, be done.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
I blocked this new number.
I think its important that since at least June 2018 she has gotten nothing but a consistent message from me. I haven't contacted her once since then for any reason. I have not seen her. She has tried to contact me but I didn't respond.
During this most recent contact from her, she tried just about everything to get me to meet with her. But I didn't bite. Instead she got a clear & consistent message from me. She understood that message & that's why she is gone. I think its important she got that message.
I helped to create this situation with her. Over all the years, I was never consistent with her. Saying no by me was many times changed to a yes for no good reason. I rarely said no & stood my ground. It did happen but was rare.
I made it clear recently - I cant stand by & watch her destroy her life. I also made it clear I wont help her destroy herself.
Since June 2017 her life has done nothing but spiral downward. By June 2018 things were not good. By end of December 2019 its all bad news. Beginning Jan 2020 shes starting back up already. Her addictions have a strangle hold on her. Will take a true miracle for that to change
Its better she clearly knows exactly how I feel. I do feel blocking her number is a bit like sticking my head in the sand while my butt continues to openly stick way out. You really think a blocked number is going to stop a flaming sociopath? I think not. You don't know her like I do.
I think its important that since at least June 2018 she has gotten nothing but a consistent message from me. I haven't contacted her once since then for any reason. I have not seen her. She has tried to contact me but I didn't respond.
During this most recent contact from her, she tried just about everything to get me to meet with her. But I didn't bite. Instead she got a clear & consistent message from me. She understood that message & that's why she is gone. I think its important she got that message.
I helped to create this situation with her. Over all the years, I was never consistent with her. Saying no by me was many times changed to a yes for no good reason. I rarely said no & stood my ground. It did happen but was rare.
I made it clear recently - I cant stand by & watch her destroy her life. I also made it clear I wont help her destroy herself.
Since June 2017 her life has done nothing but spiral downward. By June 2018 things were not good. By end of December 2019 its all bad news. Beginning Jan 2020 shes starting back up already. Her addictions have a strangle hold on her. Will take a true miracle for that to change
Its better she clearly knows exactly how I feel. I do feel blocking her number is a bit like sticking my head in the sand while my butt continues to openly stick way out. You really think a blocked number is going to stop a flaming sociopath? I think not. You don't know her like I do.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,915
Its better she clearly knows exactly how I feel. I do feel blocking her number is a bit like sticking my head in the sand while my butt continues to openly stick way out. You really think a blocked number is going to stop a flaming sociopath? I think not. You don't know her like I do.
No, we don't know her like you do, but most of us can tell, just from what you have posted, you aren't done. You still get something out of it when and if she tries to contact you. Maybe it's only some kind of satisfaction that you were right to say no to her.
When you are truly done, you won't need that anymore. You will no longer want to know what or how she is doing. You will finally turn your back and walk away. Doesn't sound like you are there yet. I hope you get there soon.
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Hi Suki
I understand what you are saying & appreciate your input.
Im very much different today than I was when I first posted my story concerning her back in June 2017. Back then, I literally crawled to get myself away from her. But I did get away.
When I fist met her I thought it was god's will for me to be with her & help her. Today I think its god's will for me to have zero to do with her.
From May 2017 till now, ive only seen her once back in June 2018. That was like for 15 minutes total. Ive seen her once for 15 min in over 2 & half years.
I don't pretend to think I even know her at this point.
I wont tell you that the recent interaction with her hasn't bothered me because it has. But im still standing. Bothered me yes - dropped me to my knees not even close.
If you go back to June 2017 till now I have pretty much left her alone. We only spoke a handful of times between June 2017 & June 2018. Only saw her once for a short period of time June 2018 .
Yet she continues to come back. She has been totally ignored & blocked by me. I don't wish her happy birthday, merry Christmas, or happy new year - but yet she comes back.
Shes been coming back since June 2017 not so much for me but for what I have that she wants. She learned this behavior from me. I did way too much for her over the years. I made it all way to easy. Even if I didn't like it & we fought over it I would most likely cave in. I went along with her crazy life.
I didn't talk to her at all from June 2018 till now. She recently contacted me. I am not holding on to anything with her. I don't want to talk to her or see her. Please understand that's not easy for me to say.
The only way this stops is for her to understand that I have changed. That I am not caving in even if she is losing everything around her. It will sink in with her that my help to fix her sociopath addict life is gone. Im hoping this last go round accomplished that.
I get no satisfaction by telling her no. I don't want to tell her no. I would get great satisfaction if I would tell her yes. I tell her no because it is the right thing for me to do.
She certainly aint coming back anytime soon. She knows lies were uncovered. When that happens it messes up her end game.
Most of you think im not done? Well yes im not done loving her. I will let you know if that ever ceases.
I must be getting something out of it - after all this time from infrequent text or a call? I think not. Those interactions are not rewarding.
If I wanted to get something worthwhile or memorable out of it - I would run the f over there & have at it for about a week straight. That would be getting something out of it & put a smile on my face. All I would have to do is go to see her.
I don't want to know where she is or how she is doing. That's why I don't contact her. Her & my life is separate & its been that way for a long time now. Its separate because it has to be that way.
I understand what you are saying & appreciate your input.
Im very much different today than I was when I first posted my story concerning her back in June 2017. Back then, I literally crawled to get myself away from her. But I did get away.
When I fist met her I thought it was god's will for me to be with her & help her. Today I think its god's will for me to have zero to do with her.
From May 2017 till now, ive only seen her once back in June 2018. That was like for 15 minutes total. Ive seen her once for 15 min in over 2 & half years.
I don't pretend to think I even know her at this point.
I wont tell you that the recent interaction with her hasn't bothered me because it has. But im still standing. Bothered me yes - dropped me to my knees not even close.
If you go back to June 2017 till now I have pretty much left her alone. We only spoke a handful of times between June 2017 & June 2018. Only saw her once for a short period of time June 2018 .
Yet she continues to come back. She has been totally ignored & blocked by me. I don't wish her happy birthday, merry Christmas, or happy new year - but yet she comes back.
Shes been coming back since June 2017 not so much for me but for what I have that she wants. She learned this behavior from me. I did way too much for her over the years. I made it all way to easy. Even if I didn't like it & we fought over it I would most likely cave in. I went along with her crazy life.
I didn't talk to her at all from June 2018 till now. She recently contacted me. I am not holding on to anything with her. I don't want to talk to her or see her. Please understand that's not easy for me to say.
The only way this stops is for her to understand that I have changed. That I am not caving in even if she is losing everything around her. It will sink in with her that my help to fix her sociopath addict life is gone. Im hoping this last go round accomplished that.
I get no satisfaction by telling her no. I don't want to tell her no. I would get great satisfaction if I would tell her yes. I tell her no because it is the right thing for me to do.
She certainly aint coming back anytime soon. She knows lies were uncovered. When that happens it messes up her end game.
Most of you think im not done? Well yes im not done loving her. I will let you know if that ever ceases.
I must be getting something out of it - after all this time from infrequent text or a call? I think not. Those interactions are not rewarding.
If I wanted to get something worthwhile or memorable out of it - I would run the f over there & have at it for about a week straight. That would be getting something out of it & put a smile on my face. All I would have to do is go to see her.
I don't want to know where she is or how she is doing. That's why I don't contact her. Her & my life is separate & its been that way for a long time now. Its separate because it has to be that way.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
The only way this stops is for her to understand that I have changed.
sorry HL, ain't never gonna happen. sociopaths do not have the capacity or interest to understand anything about anyone, humans are merely resources. you are still giving her power over you. it might not be satisfying, but some part of you gets something out of the fact that after all this time, she still contacts you. if not, you would have no problem whatsover with cutting her off completely. the ONLY reason to keep the channels open is so she CAN contact you again.
sorry HL, ain't never gonna happen. sociopaths do not have the capacity or interest to understand anything about anyone, humans are merely resources. you are still giving her power over you. it might not be satisfying, but some part of you gets something out of the fact that after all this time, she still contacts you. if not, you would have no problem whatsover with cutting her off completely. the ONLY reason to keep the channels open is so she CAN contact you again.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,432
I would change my number and count that worth all the inconvenience.
Anvil is right that sociopaths simply can’t drop the rope, especially when they don’t come out on top of an exchange.
That’s just how they roll.
But you can drop the rope and I think letting go will bring you some deep peace where you can still love her because she is truly in the past.
Anvil is right that sociopaths simply can’t drop the rope, especially when they don’t come out on top of an exchange.
That’s just how they roll.
But you can drop the rope and I think letting go will bring you some deep peace where you can still love her because she is truly in the past.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
HardLessons, as a mama I do understand how you feel.
For me, my son stopped contacting me....for 15 years. That worked for me. At first I stressed...a lot...I won't lie, but as time went by and I grew in my recovery, I felt free from the life of addiction and because we moved a few times, he could only reach me through a third party, as I mentioned earlier in this thread.
My point is, whatever decision you make, no contact officially or no contact by choice, I think you will be better off without any contact at all. Like me, there is nothing you want to know, probably until they are clean and stay clean and live a life of active recovery actions for quite some time. Until then, it's just the same old circus, same monkeys and there is nothing good in it for us.
I keep you and your daughter in my prayers, God's got this covered I think.
Hugs
For me, my son stopped contacting me....for 15 years. That worked for me. At first I stressed...a lot...I won't lie, but as time went by and I grew in my recovery, I felt free from the life of addiction and because we moved a few times, he could only reach me through a third party, as I mentioned earlier in this thread.
My point is, whatever decision you make, no contact officially or no contact by choice, I think you will be better off without any contact at all. Like me, there is nothing you want to know, probably until they are clean and stay clean and live a life of active recovery actions for quite some time. Until then, it's just the same old circus, same monkeys and there is nothing good in it for us.
I keep you and your daughter in my prayers, God's got this covered I think.
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
I appreciate what everyone has said. I also appreciate your concern.
This has all played out the way it has played out - including the recent developments.
I have not heard anything more from her. She lost pretty much everything except her life. Then after a long period of no contact, out of the blue, she tried to kick start things back up with me. We all clearly know her motivation for doing it.
I did talk to her but I didn't bite. I didn't take her up on her invitations. I didn't do anything for her but try & tell her the truth as I know it. We all know, she didn't want to hear that truth. She only wanted to hear from me - OMG YES! But there was no yes from me.
She is in desperate need now. I didn't offer any help & I closed that help door tight. Shes gone now. Reality is - Im useless to her. What she is doing or where she is going, I don't know & don't want to know. I am completely staying away from it.
Please don't give up on me. I am honestly trying my best. Given the entire circumstance of her & my relationship - I am doing waaaaay better dealing with her. Please know none of this is easy for me.
PS Hawkeye - yes Anvil is right she is always right!
This has all played out the way it has played out - including the recent developments.
I have not heard anything more from her. She lost pretty much everything except her life. Then after a long period of no contact, out of the blue, she tried to kick start things back up with me. We all clearly know her motivation for doing it.
I did talk to her but I didn't bite. I didn't take her up on her invitations. I didn't do anything for her but try & tell her the truth as I know it. We all know, she didn't want to hear that truth. She only wanted to hear from me - OMG YES! But there was no yes from me.
She is in desperate need now. I didn't offer any help & I closed that help door tight. Shes gone now. Reality is - Im useless to her. What she is doing or where she is going, I don't know & don't want to know. I am completely staying away from it.
Please don't give up on me. I am honestly trying my best. Given the entire circumstance of her & my relationship - I am doing waaaaay better dealing with her. Please know none of this is easy for me.
PS Hawkeye - yes Anvil is right she is always right!
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,432
We will never give up on you HL.
You have come so far and I personally love the way you can love—open-hearted and seeing the best in others.
Makes an old curmudgeon like me (and maybe Anvil too
?) tear up a bit. . .
You have come so far and I personally love the way you can love—open-hearted and seeing the best in others.
Makes an old curmudgeon like me (and maybe Anvil too
?) tear up a bit. . . Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Hawkeye & Hopeful thank you for those very warm & kind words.
In spite of everything I have been through with her - I do still love her. Id be lying if I said otherwise. Maybe by saying that it exposes a deep character flaw in me. If it is a flaw with me - I only ever had this type of flaw with her.
Over the past couple years her & I have been on separate very difficult journeys. I know about her journey. She doesn't know about mine. She doesn't know just how difficult this has all been for me.
I come close once in a while but I don't have tears for her anymore. Not like I once did. Her & my tears flowed way too many times. She also is no longer shedding any tears at least that I know of.
Will let gods will take it from here. I am staying out of the way.
In spite of everything I have been through with her - I do still love her. Id be lying if I said otherwise. Maybe by saying that it exposes a deep character flaw in me. If it is a flaw with me - I only ever had this type of flaw with her.
Over the past couple years her & I have been on separate very difficult journeys. I know about her journey. She doesn't know about mine. She doesn't know just how difficult this has all been for me.
I come close once in a while but I don't have tears for her anymore. Not like I once did. Her & my tears flowed way too many times. She also is no longer shedding any tears at least that I know of.
Will let gods will take it from here. I am staying out of the way.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Hello HL,
I have followed your story from the beginning and you have really come a long way.
After reading this thread, it reminded me of what my therapist asked me.
Define love..... It was a real eye opener for me. I suddenly realized my view of love was very unhealthy or I really didn't understand what love was.
How can we love someone that we really don't know? Someone whose core values are so warped...for whatever reason.
Like me, it sounds like you "love" a fantasy that we created in our own minds. When I finally looked at my ex with clear eyes, he was not someone I would choose today as a partner or even as a friend. Eventually, I no longer felt the "love" I claimed I had for him.
Just some food for thought.
I have followed your story from the beginning and you have really come a long way.
After reading this thread, it reminded me of what my therapist asked me.
Define love..... It was a real eye opener for me. I suddenly realized my view of love was very unhealthy or I really didn't understand what love was.
How can we love someone that we really don't know? Someone whose core values are so warped...for whatever reason.
Like me, it sounds like you "love" a fantasy that we created in our own minds. When I finally looked at my ex with clear eyes, he was not someone I would choose today as a partner or even as a friend. Eventually, I no longer felt the "love" I claimed I had for him.
Just some food for thought.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Hi LMN
Appreciate you comments.
The onion of her has been peeled back pretty far. Maybe better said has been done over years time layer by layer. So I know her pretty well.
I am glad to hear that you sorted out your love through therapy. If your happy then I am glad you no longer feel love for him. I was not so fortunate. Please give me that magic formula or potion. I will drink it.
I know who & what she is. Ive know it for a long time now. But even during the worst of it I still love her. Even durng long periods of no contact I still love her.
I love her eyes her smile her hands & her smell. I haven't experienced any of that in a very long period of time. That's very difficult when you love someone.
It matters not how much anyone else thinks it crazy, or messed up, or looney toon fantasy land my love is for her - it doesn't change how I feel.
Walk in my shoes then tell me its not real love.
I am not saying im going to do anything with her I am staying away from her. I am not crawling around. But I still love her. I have always loved her & its the only reason I am still here on SR.
I don't love her today as emotionally intensely like I once did. Maybe one day it will change & I no longer lover her. I don't know. What I do know at this point it aint gonna be anytime soon.
Appreciate you comments.
The onion of her has been peeled back pretty far. Maybe better said has been done over years time layer by layer. So I know her pretty well.
I am glad to hear that you sorted out your love through therapy. If your happy then I am glad you no longer feel love for him. I was not so fortunate. Please give me that magic formula or potion. I will drink it.
I know who & what she is. Ive know it for a long time now. But even during the worst of it I still love her. Even durng long periods of no contact I still love her.
I love her eyes her smile her hands & her smell. I haven't experienced any of that in a very long period of time. That's very difficult when you love someone.
It matters not how much anyone else thinks it crazy, or messed up, or looney toon fantasy land my love is for her - it doesn't change how I feel.
Walk in my shoes then tell me its not real love.
I am not saying im going to do anything with her I am staying away from her. I am not crawling around. But I still love her. I have always loved her & its the only reason I am still here on SR.
I don't love her today as emotionally intensely like I once did. Maybe one day it will change & I no longer lover her. I don't know. What I do know at this point it aint gonna be anytime soon.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
The magic potion was defining what love really meant.
My ex has very handsome and charming and God knows I loved his smile, touch and smell. But that was all a physical attraction not love.
I will always care for him and I can finally say....I wish him well but he is not the type of person I would want in my life. I do not trust him and I do not like him. He has become someone I do not know anymore.
With all that said, I still do not want to date anyone. But when I do, it will start as a friendship first. Physical attraction, basically lust, will not be confused with love again.
My ex has very handsome and charming and God knows I loved his smile, touch and smell. But that was all a physical attraction not love.
I will always care for him and I can finally say....I wish him well but he is not the type of person I would want in my life. I do not trust him and I do not like him. He has become someone I do not know anymore.
With all that said, I still do not want to date anyone. But when I do, it will start as a friendship first. Physical attraction, basically lust, will not be confused with love again.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Hi LMN
Im sorry for what happened with your Ex. Im sure it was a difficult situation.
I no longer see her either. I cant have her in my life. I am also not a good influence on her.
And yes love with an active addict is very confusing. I don't believe in all my posts here on SR I ever really claimed to know what I was doing. Ive stumbled my way through all of this. Also I have never claimed to be an expert on love.
I told her during this last go round that I know her really well but not sure if I even know her at this point.
I hope when you do decide to date again you find someone you deserve. I see nothing wrong with being friends first.
Im not all heavily caught up in feeling love for her anymore. I just sort of let it be. Once in a while it rises hard to the surface. But I don't dwell on it. If it became a problem for me I would seek out help.
PS you can say HL is nothing but jumbled up thoughts on love. I wouldn't disagree with you. My entire relationship with her is one crazy jumbled up situation.
Im sorry for what happened with your Ex. Im sure it was a difficult situation.
I no longer see her either. I cant have her in my life. I am also not a good influence on her.
And yes love with an active addict is very confusing. I don't believe in all my posts here on SR I ever really claimed to know what I was doing. Ive stumbled my way through all of this. Also I have never claimed to be an expert on love.
I told her during this last go round that I know her really well but not sure if I even know her at this point.
I hope when you do decide to date again you find someone you deserve. I see nothing wrong with being friends first.
Im not all heavily caught up in feeling love for her anymore. I just sort of let it be. Once in a while it rises hard to the surface. But I don't dwell on it. If it became a problem for me I would seek out help.
PS you can say HL is nothing but jumbled up thoughts on love. I wouldn't disagree with you. My entire relationship with her is one crazy jumbled up situation.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,010
Hey HL, you seem to have handled this situation as well as can be expected. Kudos to you. I would think it has brought up some grief and confusion. Ugh.
Pretty much all of us here stumbled through the relationships with our A's. Relationships with addicts are so non-intuitive. The usual kindness, caring and generosity required for normal relationships, makes us part of the problem . . . it is so weird and so sucks.
A few years ago a young woman posted here after walking in on her boyfriend doing drugs. This young woman told the story of what she did. She cussed at him and ran out; he followed her. She cussed at him once more before getting in her car and driving away. She didn't post after that first time. She didn't need us. I wish we all naturally immediately did the right thing with addicts but we didn't.
It probably isn't much comfort but you now have the equivalent of a Phd from the University of Reality in dealing with addicts. If you have the time, I hope you can counsel others here as they grapple for the first time with addiction.
I always appreciate the men that stick around as we seem to be mostly women. The male view is probably both different and similar and much needed.
Pretty much all of us here stumbled through the relationships with our A's. Relationships with addicts are so non-intuitive. The usual kindness, caring and generosity required for normal relationships, makes us part of the problem . . . it is so weird and so sucks.
A few years ago a young woman posted here after walking in on her boyfriend doing drugs. This young woman told the story of what she did. She cussed at him and ran out; he followed her. She cussed at him once more before getting in her car and driving away. She didn't post after that first time. She didn't need us. I wish we all naturally immediately did the right thing with addicts but we didn't.
It probably isn't much comfort but you now have the equivalent of a Phd from the University of Reality in dealing with addicts. If you have the time, I hope you can counsel others here as they grapple for the first time with addiction.
I always appreciate the men that stick around as we seem to be mostly women. The male view is probably both different and similar and much needed.
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