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Old 06-10-2019, 05:32 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Just found out my boyfriend has been doing coke


Hi Everyone, I知 new here and I知 looking for some advice. First I値l tell you a little about myself. So I grew up in a nice neighbor hood but my parents were hardcore alcoholics, they drank everyday and night leaving me home alone at a young age. I would see them come home at every night completely out of their minds and bad things would happen. My childhood scarred me to never want to drink. So I知 not much of a party person because of my childhood. When I was 15 I started dating this guy (we will call him Tod) he was 16 at the time. We immediately connected and we have been dating since we were 15 now we are 22. Our relationship is amazing, I have never felt to safe and comfortable with someone than I do with him. When we first started dating he told me that he used to do coke with this older guy he used to work with... so Tod was only 14-16 years old doing coke. I said right then that I didn稚 want to be with him if he did coke while we were dating and he swore he never would it was in the past. Life was great, then fast forward to now, in April he started acting sketchy about his phone, he had to always have it with him 24/7 and he started working nights which is very rare never in our entire relationship has he ever worked nights and he痴 an electrician. So I started getting concerned, one day I went through his truck and found straws cut in half, about 4 straws, dollar bills rolled up, two cars and tissues with blood. So I brought my evidence to him and told him I knew he was doing coke again. He freaked out on me saying it must have been from the guy 電an who borrowed his van last week. Tod went off telling me I was crazy for thinking he would do coke behind my back. So I believed him but I still felt that something was off about the whole situation. About a week and a half later I check our phone records (we live together, and our phones are on the same plan) and there are two numbers that I don稚 recognize, I call them both and neither person picks up, all the calls were either late at night or early in the morning like 2am. So I was concerned again that he was cheating on me. A few days later he was mowing our yard and it was the first time in months that he didn稚 have his phone on him so I went through it ( I know it痴 bad but I was concerned). What I found was everything that I had been thinking. There were videos and pictures of him doing coke late at night when he told me he was working the night shift...he was really out doing coke and he was cheating on me. I found naked pictures of this girl 摘mily , we went to high school with her and she pretty much bullied me my entire high school years. So I was upset.. I confronted him and he broke down and told me that he had been doing coke a few times a month for 4 months now with Emily. He told me they never had sex just sent pictures to each other and flirted. As for the coke, he said he would stop but he hasn稚. Two days ago we were in his car and I reached in the back to get a cd case and in it was a little bag of coke..he immediately said it was from some else they must have put it in there and forgot. I知 not sure what to do at this point. Our life was going great and we were beyond happy talking about the future. But now I find out he was doing coke for months behind my back and cheating on me with the girl who bullied me all through high school. I知 absolutely torn. Any advice ?
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Old 06-10-2019, 05:38 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Piper I'm very sorry for your situation and the pain it is causing you. I've been cheated on and found out my husband was using a lot of coke and other drugs and had to finally leave him.

It took me a while to get over the shock and figure out my next move. Stick around and keep reading and please keep posting. This part of the forums tends to be a little quiet, but the Friends and Family of alcoholics section has the same problem/different drug and has a lot more activity.

Do you have anyone in real life you can talk to about this, too?Like a pastor or a counselor? Talking about it will help you sort through all the emotions. There are also groups for friends and families of alcoholics/drug users. They could be a good place to go to talk. (AlAnon or Celebrate Recovery)
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Old 06-10-2019, 05:59 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post
Piper I'm very sorry for your situation and the pain it is causing you. I've been cheated on and found out my husband was using a lot of coke and other drugs and had to finally leave him.

It took me a while to get over the shock and figure out my next move. Stick around and keep reading and please keep posting. This part of the forums tends to be a little quiet, but the Friends and Family of alcoholics section has the same problem/different drug and has a lot more activity.

Do you have anyone in real life you can talk to about this, too?Like a pastor or a counselor? Talking about it will help you sort through all the emotions. There are also groups for friends and families of alcoholics/drug users. They could be a good place to go to talk. (AlAnon or Celebrate Recovery)

thank you for the reply. It痴 very hard. Ive been going to therapy for a few years now, so I have a counselor that I go to weekly, I知 able to talk to her about this, I知 just not sure if I should give up on him or not.
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Old 06-10-2019, 06:07 AM   #4 (permalink)
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You'll get there. This is a lot of new info.

I'm not sure I'd believe the, "We didn't have sex," part, but that's just me and my cynical spidey sense.

I had to give up on him. Had to. I knew I deserved better and I had no way to turn him into the man I thought he could be and I got tired of being hurt over and over.

You deserve a man who is stable and who doesn't do this stuff.

I'm glad you have a therapist. It's really painful, but it doesn't have to stay this way. It was the best thing for me to leave. I went on to have a good life, you can too - if that's what you decide. I just couldn't trust him again.
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Old 06-10-2019, 06:21 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Yea I知 not sure I believe him either, I really think they did since every time they hung out they were high as kites. I think deep down I know I deserve better and I know I should leave but I feel like I shouldn稚 give up on him since he was there for me through a lot. But I知 not sure I could ever trust him again or if I even want to trust him. It痴 such a shock.
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Old 06-10-2019, 06:57 AM   #6 (permalink)
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One thing I would suggest is to make sure he doesn't have access to any money you may have. I would have my own bank account, and I would separate my own earnings and savings into my account. Change all passwords and passcodes to anything he may have access to. Your phone should be locked down, your emails, credit cards, debit card, etc. Any expensive jewelry or collectibles I would take out of the house and put in a safety deposit box or storage or somewhere secure. Coke is expensive, so is a side girl. He may start spiralling now that you have this new awareness. He is caught up in the new-bright-shiny addiction and excitement.

I would start making plans to leave just in case it gets out of control in a hurry. He could start acting psychotic or in a dangerous manner - coke is bad news. Even if you aren't ready to leave, be ready to leave, you know?
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Old 06-10-2019, 06:58 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Advice? What would you tell a daughter who told you all of this.

Thus far, he has lied, he is doing coke, and cheating on you. My advice is to get away from him as quickly as possible, have no contact with him, and heal so you can move on with a life that you deserve, because you sure deserve more than this.

Sending a big hug. I say this all kindly because I know it's painful.
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Old 06-10-2019, 09:00 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I shouldn稚 give up on him since he was there for me through a lot.
and in that time did YOU lie repeatedly, do illicit drugs and have sex with other people?

he has violated every contract there is with a relationship. he didn't just lie to you once, it has been ongoing and over a long period of time. you found drugs and paraphernalia and he lied to your face about it. hint - nobody holds drugs for someone else, and no half-azzed decent drug user leaves all the whatnots AND the drugs BEHIND. just.doesn't.happen.

you have visual proof of his cheating with another woman. at least one. and yes, they are having sex. and probably not protected sex, so i pray to god you refuse to have sex with him. you should probably get tested for STDS just to be safe.

coke makes people do all kinds of crazy stuff, including casual risky sex. he is not using once or twice a month. he's using full time. period. don't believe a word he says. he's in CYA mode now and because you are naive he's trying to feed you whatever line (sorry the pun) he can that you will believe, because you don't know any better.

this is not how a good guy behaves. this is not how someone who has a shred of respect for you behaves. cut him loose. for good.
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Old 06-10-2019, 01:50 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Anvilhead said everything I was thinking as I read your post

I am sorry for your situation. Your BF is a coke addict. Please take the time to educate yourself concerning addiction. Please take the necessary steps to protect yourself. Its extremely difficult to trust an addict especially after you begin to uncover the truth.
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Old 06-10-2019, 07:25 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I am so sorry for your situation.

When I read you post it felt like one of those movies where one person in the story is about to do something that the audience can see is a huge danger, and silently yelling in their mind "run!,", but then the person in the movie doesn't.

All I can offer is maybe think about what it will be like for you while he is sinking into the pit of addiction and until he hits bottom and really, truly, on his own wants to recover. (which is the only way they really enter recovery - never because we want them to). Right now, he's not at bottom - he's still bargaining with addiction hoping he can have his cake and eat it also.

And then think about what it will be like if you decide to remove yourself.

Both are hard paths with no guarantee. The thing is, that educating yourself regarding addiction, you'll at least know what you are in for and the most effective way to deal with it. There is a sticky somewhere on this site called "what addicts do". I'd say read it, print it and post it on your refrigerator. At this stage of the game, it will likely get worse before it gets better.

And, there is a real benefit for you to explore completely both your desire to leave and your desire to stay. The desire to stay with someone who is addicted, lies and cheats is likely to be motivated by more than love - find out what that is so you can decide if its worth it. If you leave before you've really explored this, it won't be stable.

Wishing you the best path for you and your boyfriend together or apart.
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Old 06-11-2019, 05:52 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Perhaps have a section in your notes in your phone, where you list every thing you’ve dealt with so far, big and small. I think that’s been mentioned on here before as something that helps people in their emotional or weaker moments. And then if he contacts you, or you feel like contacting him, read it. Read it over & over again, reminding yourself of what he’s putting you through. No excuses for him, no justifications for his behavior, no splicing out the parts that would be easier to forget - just the simple, painful truth of your experience.

The sad reality is, is this type of thing can go on indefinitely. I’ve known quite a few people like this now, where there was no bottom, there was no recovery. Not everyone accesses that “recovery world”, or takes to it if they do. That’s a possibility too, that he just continues like this. And gets worse. At this point you have the knowledge of where he is now, and all he’s done so far. Addiction, cheating, lying, stonewalling. That’s just who he is. I agree with everyone that it this point, it would be wise to keep your distance, learn as much as you can about addiction, and protect yourself emotionally and financially.
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Old 06-11-2019, 07:53 AM   #12 (permalink)
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It's not about what should you do. It's about what he should do and does he want to do it-quit/sober up.

With cocaine and other stimulants involved I'd be leary and STAY SAFE. Too much of the drug or they are already in a bad mood could escalate aggressive behavior real fast.

Darn, pesky nit pick alert. Helpful hint for any message board is a few paragraphs which makes it easier to read which means more people focusing in the details. I'm guilty of long rants and paragraphs myself. Sometimes just stepping back from the post for a minute and reading from the start helps.

STAY SAFE
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Old 06-11-2019, 03:29 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Piper, I'm so sorry it has come to this. I second everything Anvil said, she's is right on the money here.

Sometimes relationships can be fixed, sometimes there is hope. Sometimes a person will reach out for recovery etc

That is absolutely not the case here.

He is in active addiction. He is lying to save himself. He is cheating.

You need to go with what you know and what you know 100% is that he is a liar. He will lie right to your face without blinking an eye. You cannot trust him for one minute.

I don't know if you live together but if you do you might want to ensure you know where your money is at all times. If you have any shared bank accounts etc you might want to shut that down right now and split the funds so he can't drain the account.

You should probably also go see a doctor to check for STDs.

I'm sure it's all a terrible shock.

I have rarely said this here at SR, but the further you get away from him and the sooner you do the better off you will be.
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Old 06-11-2019, 06:29 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Run. Run like your a**is on fire. You have no children with this man. You池e young, there痴 plenty of other people out there that you can love and feel comfort with that won稚 do those things to you. It WILL get worse. The things said in this forum are not exaggerations. There are no lengths an addict won稚 go to get what they want, and as his girlfriend, you are the prime target. Not many addicts start out robbing pharmacies or killing people in a botched drug deal or theft. It痴 because they致e used up every other option. And right now, using you is his best option to keep the status quo while still being an addict. He can稚 stay a part-time addict for long. They don稚 exist.

While I may not comment often, I致e followed almost every thread on this board for close to 2 years, since the day I found it. The advice and experience offered here by those who have gone before me is invaluable. Heed their advice. It may be the hardest thing you致e ever done, but don稚 learn the same lessons we致e learned the hard way, after YEARS of trial and error. Try to make a different path for yourself than the one filled with lies and the deepest of hurts that this man will drag you down. Because he will drag you down. You池e already second guessing yourself and questioning things, and it痴 early. That feeling eventually overtook me and literally brought me to my knees. I don稚 comment much but once in a while I feel like I need to push someone out of the way of a moving truck. Your boyfriend is that truck.

I have two children with an addict. The only thing worse than you池e feeling right now is having big eyes and chubby cheeks looking up at you wondering why their dad doesn稚 come home most nights or why you are such a nervous mess all the time. Trying to explain why their dad doesn稚 even call anymore, or try to cover up that he does call but he痴 messed up and homeless and can only call when he痴 borrowed or not pawned his 100th phone.

I can稚 stress this enough, he is not worth your worry, your tears, your life, because he does doesn稚 care that you池e wasting them. He may play a good game and act like he does, but facts are facts. If he really, truly cared about you, he would never have lied the very first time that started this all. These lies are just the beginning. Lying is what fuels addiction, and his addiction is at the wheel of that truck. Your boyfriend is in the passenger seat along for the ride, no matter the dark alleys it takes him.

You池e 22. Get to know yourself on your own to see how life blooms for you. Don稚 let him salt your earth so that your life is forever schewed from his dysfunction. Again, just run like your a** is I fire.
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Old 06-11-2019, 08:54 PM   #15 (permalink)
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PiperRose,
I haven't commented on this site in a while, but like someone else above, I felt the need to sign in to make a post to you. I can totally relate with what you are going through. The beginning of my story is very much like yours. When I was about 22 I found out my BF since high school was doing drugs and cheating, too. Like you, when I was a child/teen my parents were inappropriate as well, so I had like ZERO boundaries and allowed things to just get progressively worse before I got extremely depressed and hit my own "bottom".

In my desperation, I started looking online about drug/relationship issues and found this site. I read everything I could. I even went back and read through posts that were a year old if they seemed relevant to my situation. I learned so much reading people's stories and conversations. Maybe that would help you, as well. I think the single most important thing I learned in all this.... Is that I needed to TRUST MYSELF. If something feels wrong, IT IS. If you find that you are subconsciously guarding yourself from someone THERE'S A GOOD REASON. If you feel someone is lying to you THEY ARE. Your brain picks up on things like the other person's body language and wording and the situation in general and just knows when something is off, even if you don't want to believe it. That is the most important thing I feel I can say to you- BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. Don't get sucked into the game. Do not let anyone talk you into not trusting your own assessment of situation. You don't need to prove 10000% to know you're being wronged, you don't need them to admit it, you don't need to argue or persuade or understand. Just TRUST YOURSELF and don't falter in that.
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Old 06-13-2019, 12:23 PM   #16 (permalink)
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I just broke up with my ex..before we broke up. He admitted to sneaking booze behind my back. The night we broke up he told me he wae smoking pot for 6 months behind my back.

The last month of us dating he brought up coke on multiple incidients. In fact, I was talking about buying a house in a certain area. His response was he would be able to get cocaine easily.

He never fessed up to using coke. However, I am pretty certain he was. Based on how much he was talking about coke behind my back and talked about coke just a much I can only assume.

I know cocaine would have been the final.straw for me. I don't know anything about it. But I know it has some pretty scary impacts and effects.
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