Devastated and NEED some kind words and advice!
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That's the wonderful thing about boundaries... once it clicks and the light bulbs come on, you can't help but see things differently. Once you have some firm boundaries in place, life gets so much better, I promise. And that doesn't just apply to addicts/alcoholics... it applies to any and all relationships in your life. I wish I had learned about setting boundaries before I was in my 40s... but I didn't, however, now that I know better I do better... and my life is so much easier,happier and healthier because of it. Hang in there.. you are taking the right steps. Keep reaching out. There is a wonderful book called, "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It is an easy read and has my highest recommendation. Lots of information about boundaries....
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Thank you very much for the link, Trailmix. It was definitely a helpful read.
I went out to dinner tonight with a friend. She looked at me like I was insane when I told her everything I've been dealing with. She had NO idea what was going on. She's never dealt with an addictive relationship so I tried to explain to her: You get sucked in so quickly and by the time you realize what's going on, their addiction has become your addiction. When I say he's (overall) a good person with a kind heart, I wasn't joking. She thought he was a sweetie all of this time and never would have suspected I was suffering so much. It's amazing how much a fake smile can conceal.
And thank you, Smallbutmighty! I am a reader, I DO plan on checking that book out. I guess however the hard part about boundaries is sticking to them, and being willing to remove the problem from the home if they should disrespect them. At least that's what I'm assuming is usually the penalty when someone crosses your boundaries?
I went out to dinner tonight with a friend. She looked at me like I was insane when I told her everything I've been dealing with. She had NO idea what was going on. She's never dealt with an addictive relationship so I tried to explain to her: You get sucked in so quickly and by the time you realize what's going on, their addiction has become your addiction. When I say he's (overall) a good person with a kind heart, I wasn't joking. She thought he was a sweetie all of this time and never would have suspected I was suffering so much. It's amazing how much a fake smile can conceal.
And thank you, Smallbutmighty! I am a reader, I DO plan on checking that book out. I guess however the hard part about boundaries is sticking to them, and being willing to remove the problem from the home if they should disrespect them. At least that's what I'm assuming is usually the penalty when someone crosses your boundaries?
Last edited by Katerina1072; 04-09-2019 at 06:18 PM. Reason: Addition
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Glad to hear it. It's not your secret to keep. Isolation is your enemy.
As for boundaries, above all they must be realistic.
Having an active addict in your home if one of your boundaries is "no one will use or have drugs in my home" is pretty unenforceable. It's just asking for a huge conflict really.
In the list that smallbutmighty wrote, your fiance would be unable to stay at your place, that's more realistic.
At this point, what is your plan, do you have one? Are you going to allow him to come back and stay or are you going to be able to set boundaries that will help you?
As for boundaries, above all they must be realistic.
Having an active addict in your home if one of your boundaries is "no one will use or have drugs in my home" is pretty unenforceable. It's just asking for a huge conflict really.
In the list that smallbutmighty wrote, your fiance would be unable to stay at your place, that's more realistic.
At this point, what is your plan, do you have one? Are you going to allow him to come back and stay or are you going to be able to set boundaries that will help you?
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I wish I had answers. He is coming home tomorrow to talk. I've spent the last few days alone with a lot of time to think about ME, and what I want. I have a long letter written (I like to put my thoughts on paper so I can really convey what I need to say.) In that letter I have set boundaries, and explained that they are not rules for him....that they are for ME. To make me stronger by allowing my partner to know what I am not willing to put up with, I also touched base about the vacation he's taken, how everything is making me feel. I told him that while I still feel there is hope for him (there may not be for us) he needs to take charge of his life for once and get the help he needs, because I cannot do any of it for him, any longer.
How he will take it? That's a different story, I honestly don't know what to expect. I know he's going to try to play the victim as always,,,but that no longer works with me. I'm stronger with each day that passes and he is learning that.
So I guess we'll all see how it goes. I don't expect it to go well, he'll still view my boundaries as "rules" for him but I've been very clear on that part. I am making it ALL about me this time. He's gotten enough attention from me. The rules are about to change.
I'll post back tomorrow and let you know his reactions and what good (if any) comes out of it.
How he will take it? That's a different story, I honestly don't know what to expect. I know he's going to try to play the victim as always,,,but that no longer works with me. I'm stronger with each day that passes and he is learning that.
So I guess we'll all see how it goes. I don't expect it to go well, he'll still view my boundaries as "rules" for him but I've been very clear on that part. I am making it ALL about me this time. He's gotten enough attention from me. The rules are about to change.
I'll post back tomorrow and let you know his reactions and what good (if any) comes out of it.
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Katrina, you may want to rethink letting him back to live at your place. It can be very hard to get an addict out once you let them in, and he has had $5000 from you to relocate.
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a word of caution....since this champ has been off on a spinner funded with loads of cash, it's HIGHLY likely he will not be sane and sober when he comes by. so if he hears anything that sounds like NO, be careful. please read Glenjo's thread in the F&F Alcoholics forum on how quickly things can go very wrong when an addict is denied.
you don't really know this guy....that should be pretty obvious by now. you know only what he shows you when it suits him. he HAS his own agenda. i would limit any "talk" - let him get his stuff and let him go. leave the door open and keep your phone on and in your hand.
you don't really know this guy....that should be pretty obvious by now. you know only what he shows you when it suits him. he HAS his own agenda. i would limit any "talk" - let him get his stuff and let him go. leave the door open and keep your phone on and in your hand.
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Hi, Katerina.
Saying this gently: your SO is an addict, and, by association, a user.
He will use you as long as you let him.
This site has amazing educational resources, called stickies, that are located at the top of each forum.
As someone else has said, knowledge is power.
Strongly recommend Al-Anon literature and meetings. There is a lot of experience, strength, and hope in those rooms.
Please guard your finances, as your SO has a history of stealing from those close to him.
Forget about getting the money you lent him back.
And let’s be clear: he was not on vacation. He was off using.
Good luck and good thoughts.
Saying this gently: your SO is an addict, and, by association, a user.
He will use you as long as you let him.
This site has amazing educational resources, called stickies, that are located at the top of each forum.
As someone else has said, knowledge is power.
Strongly recommend Al-Anon literature and meetings. There is a lot of experience, strength, and hope in those rooms.
Please guard your finances, as your SO has a history of stealing from those close to him.
Forget about getting the money you lent him back.
And let’s be clear: he was not on vacation. He was off using.
Good luck and good thoughts.
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I want to add my voice to those urging you to stay safe. Like Anvil said, he has been out on a jag for days, he is not going to be thinking with any kind of a sane brain. Honestly he wont be even close to it until the money and drugs run out, even then he still owns the mind of a man in the throes of addiction....
While I know you are probably hoping he will read your words, see the error in his ways and turn over a new leaf right then and there... that never happens. He might SAY the words that make you think he will never use again, but those are beyond hollow words. ..I heard them a million times..sometimes I think AXH even meant them, but the demons always managed to pull him back in and I got suckered right back into the chaos. True sobriety and recovery takes a whole lot of hard work and determination, your guy has not shown that he is ready for that by his actions.
I don't think he sees you as a fiance right now, I think he views you as a resource. I know that is hard to hear and it hurts like hell, but when an addict is active in their addiction that is how they view people who enable their behavior.
Hang in there Katerina, I'm thinking about you today and hoping you stay strong and clear. Be safe. *hugs*
While I know you are probably hoping he will read your words, see the error in his ways and turn over a new leaf right then and there... that never happens. He might SAY the words that make you think he will never use again, but those are beyond hollow words. ..I heard them a million times..sometimes I think AXH even meant them, but the demons always managed to pull him back in and I got suckered right back into the chaos. True sobriety and recovery takes a whole lot of hard work and determination, your guy has not shown that he is ready for that by his actions.
I don't think he sees you as a fiance right now, I think he views you as a resource. I know that is hard to hear and it hurts like hell, but when an addict is active in their addiction that is how they view people who enable their behavior.
Hang in there Katerina, I'm thinking about you today and hoping you stay strong and clear. Be safe. *hugs*
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Originally Posted by Katerina1072 
I guess however the hard part about boundaries is sticking to them, and being willing to remove the problem from the home if they should disrespect them. At least that's what I'm assuming is usually the penalty when someone crosses your boundaries?
What actions you take to keep your self safe depend on what the boundary is, and what you have decided you will do if/when that boundary gets crossed.
A boundary can be something as simple as, "If I am made to feel unsafe or uncomfortable in my own home I will leave the room or the house"
Do you own the house you live in? Rent? Whose names are on the title/lease?
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Ma'am.
You can set boundaries until the cows come home. With this guy, your boundaries look just like what you'd make up for your Santa Clause wish list.
Alcoholics and addicts love little boundaries and therapists and counseling and good old talking to's, chastising, promises, talk, threats, more talk, and just talk, talk, and more talk. He'll transform you and your life before you reform him. He'll turn your life so upside down you won't know what hit you. Action is the only thing an addict or alcoholic understands, like they understand 911.
Do you know anything about drug addiction and alcoholism being a disease?
If you're going to "lay some things out for him,", I'd put the lay some things out for him in the form of packing all of his belongings and delivering them someplace else, like in his sister's driveway in garbage bags.
Here's another thing you said:
"When I said I'd lay things out for him, I guess I was thinking along the lines of boundaries, SHOULD HE DECIDE HE WANTS TO RETURN." You've already made your mind up, you're going to let him come back on his terms and what you're going to get out of it is a long painful ride, more of the same, except it'll get a lot worse, I assure you. I speak from experience.
When you said, you don't think he'd steal from you? He took your Oxys. That's stealing. Didn't you say that was your $5,000? Isn't that stealing?
You can set boundaries until the cows come home. With this guy, your boundaries look just like what you'd make up for your Santa Clause wish list.
Alcoholics and addicts love little boundaries and therapists and counseling and good old talking to's, chastising, promises, talk, threats, more talk, and just talk, talk, and more talk. He'll transform you and your life before you reform him. He'll turn your life so upside down you won't know what hit you. Action is the only thing an addict or alcoholic understands, like they understand 911.
Do you know anything about drug addiction and alcoholism being a disease?
If you're going to "lay some things out for him,", I'd put the lay some things out for him in the form of packing all of his belongings and delivering them someplace else, like in his sister's driveway in garbage bags.
Here's another thing you said:
"When I said I'd lay things out for him, I guess I was thinking along the lines of boundaries, SHOULD HE DECIDE HE WANTS TO RETURN." You've already made your mind up, you're going to let him come back on his terms and what you're going to get out of it is a long painful ride, more of the same, except it'll get a lot worse, I assure you. I speak from experience.
When you said, you don't think he'd steal from you? He took your Oxys. That's stealing. Didn't you say that was your $5,000? Isn't that stealing?
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Hello everyone, and as always thank you for the replies.
I guess I can't do quotes yet because of my post count....ugh!
I took him to court for child support as I had promised him before this mess happened. I have been SO strong emotionally and today I lost it again, sobbing my eyes out.
Just to clarify, the $5000 was money I told him I had put aside in the event that we split. I mean completely split. Things have been rough, obviously. But since we really didn't split (as in "your **** is on the sidewalk") I was offended that he took it. I guess in some ways I just didn't care, as I knew/know that's where it was headed regardless. I know I was a fool, he didn't deserve a penny. I've already beaten myself up over it so many times.
The money is almost gone. He's blown a good chunk of it. Quite a bit on pills, but he was also forced (if he wanted anything) to pay for good 'ole Sis and her husband to use. Otherwise he wouldn't have gotten anything since it's her dealer. He's also been buying dinner, snacks, and other BS.
One thing I can share honestly, in the years I've known him, he's never gotten "off the charts" high. You can tell he's using because he has a tendency to ramble or zone out, but he's never been high to the point of nodding off. He takes enough just to feel "nice" as he puts it. Never violent, sober or using. I know it sounds like I'm defending him but it is the truth on all levels. Even when he was on Suboxone for years though, it was the same addictive behavior with the lies, etc.
Smallbutmighty:
We live in a condo, rented. The lease has been up for years but it was in both of our names. So he has no claim to the condo.
When I said I was going to "lay things out for him" I meant my boundaries. And I hope you all are proud, I stuck to them!!!! He wanted to basically get another week's worth, come back home and use, while seeking therapy and working on his habitual lying in therapy eventually. Basically telling me that he doesn't know if he can stop the lying and manipulation, and that he might be able to take it down to only a few lies a day. I told him ABSOLUTELY NOT. So he's gone...again. Sis picked him up and they are on the way to get more pills.
I know I shouldn't take pleasure in this (since it was my money, lol) but his sister is screwing him over. Owes him over a dozen pills and a few hundred dollars. I'm smiling a little bit, only because I warned him not to trust his "loving sister".
So the money that I put aside for him to have transportation, a roof over his head and food is almost gone. He was forced to put aside about 2k of it for child support arrears and is down to about $1600. I told him there is no way he's going to spend that money and ask to come home. So in a few weeks he'll be homeless. THAT hurts, because even though he's an addict, I think we all can agree that we never want to see anyone we love out on the street. But it is what it is.
I know I'm weak right now (this coming and going sh!t is killing me) but it's like I told him....every day without him gets easier. So I'm trying to hang in there.
Sorry if I missed replying to anyone's questions or advice, not being able to quote makes it difficult. Thank you all so much!
I guess I can't do quotes yet because of my post count....ugh!
I took him to court for child support as I had promised him before this mess happened. I have been SO strong emotionally and today I lost it again, sobbing my eyes out.
Just to clarify, the $5000 was money I told him I had put aside in the event that we split. I mean completely split. Things have been rough, obviously. But since we really didn't split (as in "your **** is on the sidewalk") I was offended that he took it. I guess in some ways I just didn't care, as I knew/know that's where it was headed regardless. I know I was a fool, he didn't deserve a penny. I've already beaten myself up over it so many times.
The money is almost gone. He's blown a good chunk of it. Quite a bit on pills, but he was also forced (if he wanted anything) to pay for good 'ole Sis and her husband to use. Otherwise he wouldn't have gotten anything since it's her dealer. He's also been buying dinner, snacks, and other BS.
One thing I can share honestly, in the years I've known him, he's never gotten "off the charts" high. You can tell he's using because he has a tendency to ramble or zone out, but he's never been high to the point of nodding off. He takes enough just to feel "nice" as he puts it. Never violent, sober or using. I know it sounds like I'm defending him but it is the truth on all levels. Even when he was on Suboxone for years though, it was the same addictive behavior with the lies, etc.
Smallbutmighty:
We live in a condo, rented. The lease has been up for years but it was in both of our names. So he has no claim to the condo.
When I said I was going to "lay things out for him" I meant my boundaries. And I hope you all are proud, I stuck to them!!!! He wanted to basically get another week's worth, come back home and use, while seeking therapy and working on his habitual lying in therapy eventually. Basically telling me that he doesn't know if he can stop the lying and manipulation, and that he might be able to take it down to only a few lies a day. I told him ABSOLUTELY NOT. So he's gone...again. Sis picked him up and they are on the way to get more pills.
I know I shouldn't take pleasure in this (since it was my money, lol) but his sister is screwing him over. Owes him over a dozen pills and a few hundred dollars. I'm smiling a little bit, only because I warned him not to trust his "loving sister".
So the money that I put aside for him to have transportation, a roof over his head and food is almost gone. He was forced to put aside about 2k of it for child support arrears and is down to about $1600. I told him there is no way he's going to spend that money and ask to come home. So in a few weeks he'll be homeless. THAT hurts, because even though he's an addict, I think we all can agree that we never want to see anyone we love out on the street. But it is what it is.
I know I'm weak right now (this coming and going sh!t is killing me) but it's like I told him....every day without him gets easier. So I'm trying to hang in there.
Sorry if I missed replying to anyone's questions or advice, not being able to quote makes it difficult. Thank you all so much!
Last edited by Katerina1072; 04-10-2019 at 02:51 PM. Reason: spelling
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well good for you in not buying his latest "i'll just keep using and then...." song and dance. as long as USING comes first, nothing else comes second.
don't feel that bad. i doubt sincerely he'll be making home under a park bench or an overpass. he's resourceful. he has his sister. he has other addicts. how much he has left (don't believe a word HE tells you) or how much he owes, or much sis owes him, none of that matters. that is all crap on HIS side of the street.
today you can see his agenda. it's no longer hidden. his covers have been pulled. for all his words and promises, in the end he took the money and ran. so be it.
don't feel that bad. i doubt sincerely he'll be making home under a park bench or an overpass. he's resourceful. he has his sister. he has other addicts. how much he has left (don't believe a word HE tells you) or how much he owes, or much sis owes him, none of that matters. that is all crap on HIS side of the street.
today you can see his agenda. it's no longer hidden. his covers have been pulled. for all his words and promises, in the end he took the money and ran. so be it.
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Thanks, Anvil.
I was doing SO well and now I'm just feeling completely broken again. These forums and your responses help.
He looked at me crying today and I could see he was getting aggravated. And that made me cry even more. He's left three times now in one week and I just cannot believe that he cannot SEE why this has been so hard, especially with the mind games. He knows it's cruel and heartless and I although I understand addiction being a disease I guess I will never understand how an individual can see someone being so broken and just not care. It just really hurts.
I was doing SO well and now I'm just feeling completely broken again. These forums and your responses help.
He looked at me crying today and I could see he was getting aggravated. And that made me cry even more. He's left three times now in one week and I just cannot believe that he cannot SEE why this has been so hard, especially with the mind games. He knows it's cruel and heartless and I although I understand addiction being a disease I guess I will never understand how an individual can see someone being so broken and just not care. It just really hurts.
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Originally Posted by Katerina1072
Basically telling me that he doesn't know if he can stop the lying and manipulation, and that he might be able to take it down to only a few lies a day.
I am proud of you that you stuck to your guns! Keep doing the next right thing FOR YOU and try not to pay too much attention to the train wreck his life is about to become when the money runs out.
I know it hurts like "heck" right now but you are making the right choice. Stay strong. *hugs*
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I agree, you are making the right choice. It is great that you stuck to your boundaries/decisions.
He has no empathy right now. He is living the addict dream. No responsibility, plenty of money for drugs (although roughly calculated he's spent about $900.00 in two days, so he will probably be back in a few days looking for more).
This may be hard to accept, but please try not to take this personally. I really mean that. This is not personal. Right now he is completely self-absorbed. To people that are not addicts (or narcissists) this is hard to accept. To be so self-centered, to be so busy looking for your next high that you really could care less who gets hurt in that process.
You are the enemy, you are trying to come between him and his drugs.
When you are involved with an active addict, drugs are running the show. Not just the "show" of his life, your life too. You spend your days worrying about him being homeless etc, your life is hugely affected by his behaviour and lack of any kind of normal motivation.
Truly, cutting him out of your life may be doing him a favour at this point because you have become his enabler.
Try to focus on yourself and what you want in your life as much as possible. Remember to eat well, take care of yourself, be kind to yourself and try not to isolate.
I'm sorry it has ended up like this. Remember we are here for support.
He looked at me crying today and I could see he was getting aggravated. And that made me cry even more. He's left three times now in one week and I just cannot believe that he cannot SEE why this has been so hard, especially with the mind games. He knows it's cruel and heartless and I although I understand addiction being a disease I guess I will never understand how an individual can see someone being so broken and just not care. It just really hurts.
This may be hard to accept, but please try not to take this personally. I really mean that. This is not personal. Right now he is completely self-absorbed. To people that are not addicts (or narcissists) this is hard to accept. To be so self-centered, to be so busy looking for your next high that you really could care less who gets hurt in that process.
You are the enemy, you are trying to come between him and his drugs.
When you are involved with an active addict, drugs are running the show. Not just the "show" of his life, your life too. You spend your days worrying about him being homeless etc, your life is hugely affected by his behaviour and lack of any kind of normal motivation.
Truly, cutting him out of your life may be doing him a favour at this point because you have become his enabler.
Try to focus on yourself and what you want in your life as much as possible. Remember to eat well, take care of yourself, be kind to yourself and try not to isolate.
I'm sorry it has ended up like this. Remember we are here for support.
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Originally Posted by Katerina1072
He was forced to put aside about 2k of it for child support arrears and is down to about $1600. I told him there is no way he's going to spend that money and ask to come home. So in a few weeks he'll be homeless. THAT hurts, because even though he's an addict, I think we all can agree that we never want to see anyone we love out on the street. But it is what it is.
Truly you can't believe anything he says. He may have the best intentions but when he runs out of money he won't hesitate to use that 2k.
Try to look at him realistically.
Sometimes making a list of all the horrible things he has said and done helps. Keep it with you. refer to it 20 times a day if needed, anytime you start to think how "sweet" he is.
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Thank you, Trailmix. He actually did hand me the $2000 for child support, I have it locked in my safe. I know it killed him to do it, but he knew he'd do jail time if he didn't because the judge gave him 30 days to pay it to his ex-wife. (Not sure if I explained in the past about the ex-wife and 3 kids) So basically, in addition to me funding his little "vacation" from real life (which was supposed to be time away to think about his issues, lol) I also paid off his child support arrears, although not by choice.
Have I mentioned that he's on probation? I believe I posted about it last year. Got arrested 5 years ago for selling coke (he never used, did it just to support the opiate habit). While waiting for sentencing, he was forced to rehab for 3 months. Then another 6 months in rehab. Finally, his sentencing. He managed to escape prison as a first time offender, they gave him 18 months of house arrest and 3 years probation...in addition to 1 year of outpatient meetings.
He's been a friend since we were 15 years old, and we reconnected shortly after his sentencing. He was honest about everything and CLEAN when I met him. He started using again about 6 weeks after (8 weeks after he got out of rehab).
I have tried desperately not to take this personally, but I don't know how to do that. I KNOW I can't reason with an addict. I KNOW I am the enemy (to the addiction). It doesn't make it any easier, sadly.
I talked to him a little while ago, he called. Just to talk to me, not about our relationship or what he's doing, but about how his sister refuses to heat the trailer and how he can't sleep, blah blah. I pretty much (very calmly) told him that I know why he's not here, and with his sister. I know this wasn't "time away to think" and that it was only to get high. I know that he's not doing any time thinking about US or his future, and he admitted that he "can't" because of his anxiety because it gets him too depressed and agitated to think about what he's doing, so he has maybe given it a few minutes of thought a night as he wakes up alone on a cold floor. And I told him I know that I am a resource, and that once the money runs out (or he at least buys enough pills to last him another week) he will be begging to come back to me. I know he will "play nice" for a couple months, and that I know once his settlement comes in he will be right back out the door doing the same sh!t. He insists I am wrong about the money/settlement thing. I explained that I cannot and do not see it that way, especially with what he's doing now. I asked him when he's going to therapy, since he claims that's his plan. Of course he hasn't even looked up a therapist. He just kept repeating that he didn't want to "argue" and I gently explained there was no argument. No yelling, no fighting. Just talking. But again, I'm the enemy in his addicted mind (even though I still hear the words "I love you" 10 times a day) so he just kept trying to get me off the phone. This back and forth crap is making me lose my mind.
I just wish he'd stop claiming to care about me and calling to tell me I'm the love of his life, etc. I hate the mind games. I never know if it's a moment of clarity when he's speaking to me or what. And it's killing me.
Have I mentioned that he's on probation? I believe I posted about it last year. Got arrested 5 years ago for selling coke (he never used, did it just to support the opiate habit). While waiting for sentencing, he was forced to rehab for 3 months. Then another 6 months in rehab. Finally, his sentencing. He managed to escape prison as a first time offender, they gave him 18 months of house arrest and 3 years probation...in addition to 1 year of outpatient meetings.
He's been a friend since we were 15 years old, and we reconnected shortly after his sentencing. He was honest about everything and CLEAN when I met him. He started using again about 6 weeks after (8 weeks after he got out of rehab).
I have tried desperately not to take this personally, but I don't know how to do that. I KNOW I can't reason with an addict. I KNOW I am the enemy (to the addiction). It doesn't make it any easier, sadly.
I talked to him a little while ago, he called. Just to talk to me, not about our relationship or what he's doing, but about how his sister refuses to heat the trailer and how he can't sleep, blah blah. I pretty much (very calmly) told him that I know why he's not here, and with his sister. I know this wasn't "time away to think" and that it was only to get high. I know that he's not doing any time thinking about US or his future, and he admitted that he "can't" because of his anxiety because it gets him too depressed and agitated to think about what he's doing, so he has maybe given it a few minutes of thought a night as he wakes up alone on a cold floor. And I told him I know that I am a resource, and that once the money runs out (or he at least buys enough pills to last him another week) he will be begging to come back to me. I know he will "play nice" for a couple months, and that I know once his settlement comes in he will be right back out the door doing the same sh!t. He insists I am wrong about the money/settlement thing. I explained that I cannot and do not see it that way, especially with what he's doing now. I asked him when he's going to therapy, since he claims that's his plan. Of course he hasn't even looked up a therapist. He just kept repeating that he didn't want to "argue" and I gently explained there was no argument. No yelling, no fighting. Just talking. But again, I'm the enemy in his addicted mind (even though I still hear the words "I love you" 10 times a day) so he just kept trying to get me off the phone. This back and forth crap is making me lose my mind.
I just wish he'd stop claiming to care about me and calling to tell me I'm the love of his life, etc. I hate the mind games. I never know if it's a moment of clarity when he's speaking to me or what. And it's killing me.
Last edited by Katerina1072; 04-11-2019 at 08:04 AM. Reason: spelling and no sleep
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
we often suggest here to stop listening to the words coming out of their mouths and just observe their ACTIONS. a parrot can be taught to say I Love You, doesn't mean they MEAN it, but it often ends with a cracker or treat, so it becomes useful.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,647
So he called to complain about his current living arrangements. Just think about that for a moment. He took the money you gave him to go on a drug run with his using buddies at the roach motel, pops in to talk to you yesterday then zooms off with his Sister to get more drugs, then calls to COMPLAIN about the facilities provided.
omg
As Anvilhead mentioned, please look at his actions, not his words, they are speaking VERY clearly here.
He is taking absolutely zero responsibility for himself, none. That is his current "action". He just talks and talks and complains.
There really is only one solution here Katerina and I know you know what that is. No contact. Tell him if you like, tell him you are done and don't want to talk for now - then hang up.
Will that be painful? Yes, for a little while. Firstly you will have a lot of free time on your hands once you stop worrying about him, you are used to being in a tornado of drama, that's going to end. Secondly, you, right now, are automatically waiting for a text or a call or a visit or an update on him from a friend, that will stop.
You will have to summon your strength and work through that. With the support here, with Al-Anon or Nar-Anon (I really hope you can get to a meeting), with any friends or family you can trust to discuss this with.
Honestly, you aren't helping him, not in the true sense. Your help is enabling him to continue his addiction, nothing more. If your help could "save" him from addiction it already would have, it's not and it won't. If you needed any more proof of it, the call tonight should seal it.
You are distressed, hurt and upset. Did he call to apologize for being such an ass? For hurting you, for wasting your money etc etc. No he called to whine about not being warm enough. As with everything he CHOSE to go there and he is a grown man, he could walk out the door right this minute and go to a hotel but does he? No he calls you to complain, hoping you will pity him, maybe even ask him to come "home".
I think once you fully look at this realistically:
- He has zero to offer you in a relationship
- He has no clarity, he is never truly "sober" at this point
- You deserve someone in your life that loves and respects you
- You are not helping him and may well be harming him
This will get easier for you. It takes time, can you give yourself some space and time for this?
omg
As Anvilhead mentioned, please look at his actions, not his words, they are speaking VERY clearly here.
He is taking absolutely zero responsibility for himself, none. That is his current "action". He just talks and talks and complains.
There really is only one solution here Katerina and I know you know what that is. No contact. Tell him if you like, tell him you are done and don't want to talk for now - then hang up.
Will that be painful? Yes, for a little while. Firstly you will have a lot of free time on your hands once you stop worrying about him, you are used to being in a tornado of drama, that's going to end. Secondly, you, right now, are automatically waiting for a text or a call or a visit or an update on him from a friend, that will stop.
You will have to summon your strength and work through that. With the support here, with Al-Anon or Nar-Anon (I really hope you can get to a meeting), with any friends or family you can trust to discuss this with.
Honestly, you aren't helping him, not in the true sense. Your help is enabling him to continue his addiction, nothing more. If your help could "save" him from addiction it already would have, it's not and it won't. If you needed any more proof of it, the call tonight should seal it.
You are distressed, hurt and upset. Did he call to apologize for being such an ass? For hurting you, for wasting your money etc etc. No he called to whine about not being warm enough. As with everything he CHOSE to go there and he is a grown man, he could walk out the door right this minute and go to a hotel but does he? No he calls you to complain, hoping you will pity him, maybe even ask him to come "home".
I think once you fully look at this realistically:
- He has zero to offer you in a relationship
- He has no clarity, he is never truly "sober" at this point
- You deserve someone in your life that loves and respects you
- You are not helping him and may well be harming him
This will get easier for you. It takes time, can you give yourself some space and time for this?
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