Just need some advice.
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Originally Posted by dandylion 
Iris....I hear that you are really miserable...and alone...and isolated. This is hard for anybody...but, especially so with a newborn....no doubt about it....
Letting go is really hard....and, as I have said...mourning is a part of the process...and, we know that it doesn't happen overnight...it takes time to get past it.
Isolation is the worst thing when one is in mourning....human contact...with caring people is sooo helpful.
I am not surprised that you are crying a lot. I can remember when I went through a very difficult break-up. I cried, and cried...in fact, I cried so much that I am pretty sure that the water table probably dropped...Crying is one way that we can get a bit of emotional release, when we feel sad, helpless, afraid, or overwhelmed....It is Mother Nature's way of letting some of the negative energy out of our bodies...
With pregnancy, and, postpartum....the hormones make it even easier to cry.
I am so sorry that you missed this much needed appointment..Remember, that you can take a small baby to your appointments. The baby can just sit in it's seat and you can give a bottle, if necessary. No problem. You can also, contact the therapist office, and tell the situation of no sitter...and almost any therapist will agree to have a session over the phone. You really need your therapist, now....
It is a real bummer that you don't have the family help that you need, right now. I can feel your disappointment. Nowdays, it can be harder for some people to get family support, with many women working and not able to take a lot of time off...or, lose their jobs. That makes it necessary to turn to other sources of help....that is just the reality of it for many mothers, today.
I hear you, about the options...but, it sounds, to me, like you have already bonded with your baby.....you can still talk about these feelings with the therapist or the social worker....
Iris...I am going to talk some turkey with you, now...lol.....
This is about getting some real-time, tangible, practical help...and getting away from your extreme isolation....Even though I recognize how overwhelmed and helpless you feel, just now....I am encouraging you...asking you...to take some baby steps. with the following....
In the US...(I am going to assume that you are in the US)….every county has a department of Maternal and Child Health....sometimes, it is listed under the main heading of Public Health. They all have social workers on the staff.
You can google...."County Government".....and see all of their departments, listed. Choose the one that says something about maternal or child health/services. Get the number, and call and ask to speak to a social worker.
Tell them that you are in a crisis, as a mother of a newborn who is alone. It is critical to tell them that...up front. They will jump into action. They may send someone to your home, right away, to talk to you...In the event that they want you in an in-person appointment....go, and take the baby with you. that will be o.k.
You may wonder why I harp on seeing a social worker, so much...it is that I know that social workers have so many resources, at their fingertips...that you probably have never even knew that existed! They can get all kinds of help for you...including child care...babysitters....someone to just come and spend time with you....they know where there are volunteers who just do that kind of thing. They can hep with transportation services and financial help, if you need it. They can offer counselors, special classes for babycare, support groups of other mothers...People that you can talk to and form friendships with. They can even get special help for those who have been through trauma (like you...with the near death experience with BF overdose)….
In short...they will respond to whatever needs that you tell them about.
You will not be left alone!
Perhaps, you can take the time to do this, while baby is asleep.....
This might feel "unnatural" for you, at first...but, do it anyway.....babystep,,,,,
You sound like an intelligent woman...and, if you have been able to deal with a boyfriend who is addicted....you have enough strength inside you to cope with anything!! We never know now strong or brave we can be...until that is the only option left....
I am hoping that you will trust me, enough, to do as I am suggesting, about this.
Iris, you know....sometimes, it is just about knowing WHERE to go, and who to ask for help.....
Knowledge is power.
Action before feeling. It is a fact...that if you feel lousy...do something (babystep)...and then, you feel better. Don't wait to "feel better" before action....it doesn't work in that direction...lol....
You can do this. You are not alone....as you feel
Letting go is really hard....and, as I have said...mourning is a part of the process...and, we know that it doesn't happen overnight...it takes time to get past it.
Isolation is the worst thing when one is in mourning....human contact...with caring people is sooo helpful.
I am not surprised that you are crying a lot. I can remember when I went through a very difficult break-up. I cried, and cried...in fact, I cried so much that I am pretty sure that the water table probably dropped...Crying is one way that we can get a bit of emotional release, when we feel sad, helpless, afraid, or overwhelmed....It is Mother Nature's way of letting some of the negative energy out of our bodies...
With pregnancy, and, postpartum....the hormones make it even easier to cry.
I am so sorry that you missed this much needed appointment..Remember, that you can take a small baby to your appointments. The baby can just sit in it's seat and you can give a bottle, if necessary. No problem. You can also, contact the therapist office, and tell the situation of no sitter...and almost any therapist will agree to have a session over the phone. You really need your therapist, now....
It is a real bummer that you don't have the family help that you need, right now. I can feel your disappointment. Nowdays, it can be harder for some people to get family support, with many women working and not able to take a lot of time off...or, lose their jobs. That makes it necessary to turn to other sources of help....that is just the reality of it for many mothers, today.
I hear you, about the options...but, it sounds, to me, like you have already bonded with your baby.....you can still talk about these feelings with the therapist or the social worker....
Iris...I am going to talk some turkey with you, now...lol.....
This is about getting some real-time, tangible, practical help...and getting away from your extreme isolation....Even though I recognize how overwhelmed and helpless you feel, just now....I am encouraging you...asking you...to take some baby steps. with the following....
In the US...(I am going to assume that you are in the US)….every county has a department of Maternal and Child Health....sometimes, it is listed under the main heading of Public Health. They all have social workers on the staff.
You can google...."County Government".....and see all of their departments, listed. Choose the one that says something about maternal or child health/services. Get the number, and call and ask to speak to a social worker.
Tell them that you are in a crisis, as a mother of a newborn who is alone. It is critical to tell them that...up front. They will jump into action. They may send someone to your home, right away, to talk to you...In the event that they want you in an in-person appointment....go, and take the baby with you. that will be o.k.
You may wonder why I harp on seeing a social worker, so much...it is that I know that social workers have so many resources, at their fingertips...that you probably have never even knew that existed! They can get all kinds of help for you...including child care...babysitters....someone to just come and spend time with you....they know where there are volunteers who just do that kind of thing. They can hep with transportation services and financial help, if you need it. They can offer counselors, special classes for babycare, support groups of other mothers...People that you can talk to and form friendships with. They can even get special help for those who have been through trauma (like you...with the near death experience with BF overdose)….
In short...they will respond to whatever needs that you tell them about.
You will not be left alone!
Perhaps, you can take the time to do this, while baby is asleep.....
This might feel "unnatural" for you, at first...but, do it anyway.....babystep,,,,,
You sound like an intelligent woman...and, if you have been able to deal with a boyfriend who is addicted....you have enough strength inside you to cope with anything!! We never know now strong or brave we can be...until that is the only option left....
I am hoping that you will trust me, enough, to do as I am suggesting, about this.
Iris, you know....sometimes, it is just about knowing WHERE to go, and who to ask for help.....
Knowledge is power.
Action before feeling. It is a fact...that if you feel lousy...do something (babystep)...and then, you feel better. Don't wait to "feel better" before action....it doesn't work in that direction...lol....
You can do this. You are not alone....as you feel
I currently am typing this with one hand as I have my son,so it’s going to be short for now. My boyfriend was sentenced to 5 years today. I’m a little shocked still I guess. Trying to keep myself distracted but it’s hard. Also it won’t let me reply to messages because I hadn’t posted enough or something. Maybe now it will,not sure? I’m in such an indifferent mood right now. I don’t know how to feel about anything. At least I’m getting more comfortable with my son. He seems to be getting comfortable with me as well. So that’s a plus. I’ll write more back later. Thank you.
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Iris.....thanks for letting us know. No doubt, you are in shock, to some extent.,,,and, that is to be expected, I think. I imagine it is going to take you a while to process this new information and wrap your head around it. Don't pressure your self too much...it will happen as it is supposed to happen....
Even though you don't have great expectations for the relationship, and don't necessarily want him there, to cause you more stress....I totally get that you have strong feelings for him and don't like to think of him in jail...especially for that long.....who really wants to see their loved one lose their freedom?
For right now...try to take it one day at a time...just getting through each 24hrs. can be seen as a victory, in itself.
Don't get lost in future-tripping. Fears are not, necessarily, fact. Try to remember that....
I don't think I even need to point out, to you...is that he is physically safer, in jail, than he is out on the street. Perhaps, you can get some consolation...or, at least, sleep better, at night.
Most of the people that I know of, who had prison sentences...got them cut in half for good behavior....so, 5yrs,,, might be more like 2 and one half years....I don't want to say more, because I don't really know any details about his situation.
Grieving can be sooo tough...so, keep taking care of yourself and the baby as well as you possibly can...and keep the baby steps going....
The future has not unfolded, yet....and you can have a great life...…
Remember that many...millions of women have gone through what y ou are going through, and have good lives.....
I promise you that it won't always feel this way.....
Even though you don't have great expectations for the relationship, and don't necessarily want him there, to cause you more stress....I totally get that you have strong feelings for him and don't like to think of him in jail...especially for that long.....who really wants to see their loved one lose their freedom?
For right now...try to take it one day at a time...just getting through each 24hrs. can be seen as a victory, in itself.
Don't get lost in future-tripping. Fears are not, necessarily, fact. Try to remember that....
I don't think I even need to point out, to you...is that he is physically safer, in jail, than he is out on the street. Perhaps, you can get some consolation...or, at least, sleep better, at night.
Most of the people that I know of, who had prison sentences...got them cut in half for good behavior....so, 5yrs,,, might be more like 2 and one half years....I don't want to say more, because I don't really know any details about his situation.
Grieving can be sooo tough...so, keep taking care of yourself and the baby as well as you possibly can...and keep the baby steps going....
The future has not unfolded, yet....and you can have a great life...…
Remember that many...millions of women have gone through what y ou are going through, and have good lives.....
I promise you that it won't always feel this way.....
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Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 84
Originally Posted by dandylion
Iris.....thanks for letting us know. No doubt, you are in shock, to some extent.,,,and, that is to be expected, I think. I imagine it is going to take you a while to process this new information and wrap your head around it. Don't pressure your self too much...it will happen as it is supposed to happen....
Even though you don't have great expectations for the relationship, and don't necessarily want him there, to cause you more stress....I totally get that you have strong feelings for him and don't like to think of him in jail...especially for that long.....who really wants to see their loved one lose their freedom?
For right now...try to take it one day at a time...just getting through each 24hrs. can be seen as a victory, in itself.
Don't get lost in future-tripping. Fears are not, necessarily, fact. Try to remember that....
I don't think I even need to point out, to you...is that he is physically safer, in jail, than he is out on the street. Perhaps, you can get some consolation...or, at least, sleep better, at night.
Most of the people that I know of, who had prison sentences...got them cut in half for good behavior....so, 5yrs,,, might be more like 2 and one half years....I don't want to say more, because I don't really know any details about his situation.
Grieving can be sooo tough...so, keep taking care of yourself and the baby as well as you possibly can...and keep the baby steps going....
The future has not unfolded, yet....and you can have a great life...…
Remember that many...millions of women have gone through what y ou are going through, and have good lives.....
I promise you that it won't always feel this way.....
Even though you don't have great expectations for the relationship, and don't necessarily want him there, to cause you more stress....I totally get that you have strong feelings for him and don't like to think of him in jail...especially for that long.....who really wants to see their loved one lose their freedom?
For right now...try to take it one day at a time...just getting through each 24hrs. can be seen as a victory, in itself.
Don't get lost in future-tripping. Fears are not, necessarily, fact. Try to remember that....
I don't think I even need to point out, to you...is that he is physically safer, in jail, than he is out on the street. Perhaps, you can get some consolation...or, at least, sleep better, at night.
Most of the people that I know of, who had prison sentences...got them cut in half for good behavior....so, 5yrs,,, might be more like 2 and one half years....I don't want to say more, because I don't really know any details about his situation.
Grieving can be sooo tough...so, keep taking care of yourself and the baby as well as you possibly can...and keep the baby steps going....
The future has not unfolded, yet....and you can have a great life...…
Remember that many...millions of women have gone through what y ou are going through, and have good lives.....
I promise you that it won't always feel this way.....
Thank you for being so supportive,along with everyone else. I haven’t had the time to reply to everyone but it means a lot to me...my heart hurts. Really bad, over the news I got today. But it hurts too because I don’t even know if he even cares about me so why am I so hurt by it? It’s many emotions. But then here I am with his baby and I feel like a fool for even being with him. I don’t even know honestly. It’s just confusing. But none the less I am hurting over the news. It’s kinda like how did I get myself in this situation? My chest has been hurting from anxiety lately anyway,then today it feels like someone is sitting on it. I feel trapped and I’m really just on the edge. Is it wrong to say that I miss my old life? Free and happy... not being hurt so much by a heroin addict that didn’t think of how his actions would affect others or the fact that he had a baby on the way? Now I’m stuck picking up the pieces and feeling devastated over someone who probably doesn’t even give a crap about me. I feel guilty for wishing I could go back because I have a beautiful baby who never asked to be brought into the world. Yet I can’t help but feel a strong urge to just travel back in time and never ever talk to his father. But I’m glad I have him. If that makes sense? And I know at this point you’re probably tired of seeing me complain so I apologize. Just been on the verge of tears for the past two hours. I keep thinking how did my life get so bad in a span of a year? I wanna run away and that’s not even a joke. I want to hop in the car and drive somewhere quiet and just sit there,no responsibilities. No one to hurt me. No one to worry about. Sometimes it’s so tempting I have to remind myself Why that’s not a good idea. But like you say,baby steps. And lately I’ve been taking them..which has helped A LOT. Like you say he’s safe in there. He’s gonna be okay. Yet I keep thinking how I’m a single mother and it’s so damn hard. I’m lonely and sad and my son will not know his father nor meet him until he’s probably 2 or 3 at the earliest. It just blows my mind. This whole thing. I’m sorry. I’m rambling but I really am in shock at the news today. 5 years,he has to at least pull three. How in the world did it get to this point I don’t even know. I was so happy before I met him and had everything the way I wanted it. He really turned my whole world upside down in a matter of a year. Also I am going to reschedule my appointment tomorrow. I think I’m suffering from postpartum depression as well. Going to let them know about that and see what kind of options I have with medication maybe. My chest really aches here lately. It’s bad. I feel like I’m suffocating from stress and there is no one that understands me except here. So thank all of you. Seriously.
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Originally Posted by Iris1
Thank you for being so supportive,along with everyone else. I haven’t had the time to reply to everyone but it means a lot to me...my heart hurts. Really bad, over the news I got today. But it hurts too because I don’t even know if he even cares about me so why am I so hurt by it? It’s many emotions. But then here I am with his baby and I feel like a fool for even being with him. I don’t even know honestly. It’s just confusing. But none the less I am hurting over the news. It’s kinda like how did I get myself in this situation? My chest has been hurting from anxiety lately anyway,then today it feels like someone is sitting on it. I feel trapped and I’m really just on the edge. Is it wrong to say that I miss my old life? Free and happy... not being hurt so much by a heroin addict that didn’t think of how his actions would affect others or the fact that he had a baby on the way? Now I’m stuck picking up the pieces and feeling devastated over someone who probably doesn’t even give a crap about me. I feel guilty for wishing I could go back because I have a beautiful baby who never asked to be brought into the world. Yet I can’t help but feel a strong urge to just travel back in time and never ever talk to his father. But I’m glad I have him. If that makes sense? And I know at this point you’re probably tired of seeing me complain so I apologize. Just been on the verge of tears for the past two hours. I keep thinking how did my life get so bad in a span of a year? I wanna run away and that’s not even a joke. I want to hop in the car and drive somewhere quiet and just sit there,no responsibilities. No one to hurt me. No one to worry about. Sometimes it’s so tempting I have to remind myself Why that’s not a good idea. But like you say,baby steps. And lately I’ve been taking them..which has helped A LOT. Like you say he’s safe in there. He’s gonna be okay. Yet I keep thinking how I’m a single mother and it’s so damn hard. I’m lonely and sad and my son will not know his father nor meet him until he’s probably 2 or 3 at the earliest. It just blows my mind. This whole thing. I’m sorry. I’m rambling but I really am in shock at the news today. 5 years,he has to at least pull three. How in the world did it get to this point I don’t even know. I was so happy before I met him and had everything the way I wanted it. He really turned my whole world upside down in a matter of a year. Also I am going to reschedule my appointment tomorrow. I think I’m suffering from postpartum depression as well. Going to let them know about that and see what kind of options I have with medication maybe. My chest really aches here lately. It’s bad. I feel like I’m suffocating from stress and there is no one that understands me except here. So thank all of you. Seriously.
& I honestly don’t wanna hurt anymore. I am trying hard to stay positive but I feel like I’m not supposed to be in this situation and this wasn’t supposed to be my life. Like I’m in the wrong story and I can’t get out. Just a trapped feeling and it makes me want to panic. Wish I knew how to stop feeling that way and enjoy the life I have. I keep telling myself that life doesn’t always go as planned and that’s okay. This is okay. Having s baby by a heroin addict is okay because things happen and sometimes we can’t control it. So. I don’t know but that’s where I’m at tonight. I have a really heavy,sad feeling in my chest. I wanna cry all the time. I wanna run away. I don’t wanna be responsible. I wanna run. Just don’t know how to handle that feeling of being trapped. It scares me honestly because I have felt like that to the point where I wanna go to the ER and just tell them to take me away. I never thought I’d lose that much of my composure but the past year has been hell for me. I just feel emotionally exhausted. Sorry. Rambling on again.
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Hi Iris, no need to apologize, I don't think you are rambling at all, you're just telling about your life and that's a good thing.
I think sometimes when we are overwhelmed and feeling so much anxiety we can forget there are options.
While you might think you are stuck in a house, isolated, with a baby and no job and etc etc, that's not all there is.
All those things are true, to some extent, but there is a whole flipside that we don't tend to think about when we are anxious. You know how you mentioned that taking a few baby steps has made you feel so much better? That's the way to go. Doing that will make you feel better little by little each day.
The other thing is, you have options. There are such things as open adoptions for instance. Now, you may not be interested in that at all, and that's ok too, but the options are there. Those are the kinds of things you can discuss with a social worker or your therapist even. No matter what you are thinking, whether that is just getting in the car and driving away, about adoption or temporary care - whatever it is, don't be afraid to tell your therapist or a social worker, or even the people at the ER if you decide to contact them.
I absolutely guarantee you that nothing you say will "surprise" them or make them think you are "terrible" or anything. People struggle sometimes, that's the truth and sometimes people need help and that's why there are organizations and people to help.
If you get to the point where you want to go to the ER, don't hesitate to pick up the phone, again, nothing you tell them will make them think you are "crazy", just that you are asking for help. All you would need to tell them is that you are a new Mother, you are not coping well at the moment and you need them to send help - you need help now. That's all. The person on the phone might ask you a few questions, but it won't be too scary and you can do it, shortly after that you will have help at your doorstep.
I think sometimes when we are overwhelmed and feeling so much anxiety we can forget there are options.
While you might think you are stuck in a house, isolated, with a baby and no job and etc etc, that's not all there is.
All those things are true, to some extent, but there is a whole flipside that we don't tend to think about when we are anxious. You know how you mentioned that taking a few baby steps has made you feel so much better? That's the way to go. Doing that will make you feel better little by little each day.
The other thing is, you have options. There are such things as open adoptions for instance. Now, you may not be interested in that at all, and that's ok too, but the options are there. Those are the kinds of things you can discuss with a social worker or your therapist even. No matter what you are thinking, whether that is just getting in the car and driving away, about adoption or temporary care - whatever it is, don't be afraid to tell your therapist or a social worker, or even the people at the ER if you decide to contact them.
I absolutely guarantee you that nothing you say will "surprise" them or make them think you are "terrible" or anything. People struggle sometimes, that's the truth and sometimes people need help and that's why there are organizations and people to help.
If you get to the point where you want to go to the ER, don't hesitate to pick up the phone, again, nothing you tell them will make them think you are "crazy", just that you are asking for help. All you would need to tell them is that you are a new Mother, you are not coping well at the moment and you need them to send help - you need help now. That's all. The person on the phone might ask you a few questions, but it won't be too scary and you can do it, shortly after that you will have help at your doorstep.
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Hi Iris. I am so sorry you are hurting. Please don't be sorry that you are getting it all out. You don't have to suffer alone. We are here with you. I think if sounds like you are suffering with a lot of anxiety. Please if you don't feel good, seek medical advise. It may also help to get into therapy. It helped me with my anxiety a great deal.
We are here for you!
We are here for you!
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Iris.....this is what I am thinking about----I am remembering how you were able to jump into immediate action...and get help for your boyfriend...within minutes...during his near-death experience...most likely, saving his life!
You didn't question yourself....you just jumped into immediate action......
You didn't question yourself....you just jumped into immediate action......
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Iris.....this is what I am thinking about----I am remembering how you were able to jump into immediate action...and get help for your boyfriend...within minutes...during his near-death experience...most likely, saving his life!
You didn't question yourself....you just jumped into immediate action......
You didn't question yourself....you just jumped into immediate action......
I always put his needs first...even when I suffered. Somehow I’ve never been able to do that for myself. But this site has helped me a lot and I continue to keep trying to become a better person. Just hard. I keep thinking 5 years...5 years...god it just blows my mind. He at least has to pull 3 years of it. That’s still a big chunk of time. I’m just overwhelmed. I’m confused..I don’t know what to do. Thank you guys. I’m just venting,I don’t want anyone to feel like they have to give me advice. It’s just nice to know someone understands. I sometimes wish I had never met him. I wish I could go back and then I have to stop myself because of the baby. I feel bad for thinking that way but my boyfriend has put me through so much hell. I just wanted him to love me.
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, also, nIris.....I think that anyone who gets entwined with an addict ...or anyone who takes more than they can, or will give...goes through a form of "hell"....like you describe. It is normal to have compassion for someone that they have loved and put themselves into....
When a person is going through the grief process...there is such a mix of emotions and, a lot....lot....of ruminating....going over, in their minds, of everything about the relationship...rethinking everything...over and over. So many different feelings...and, uncomfortable, conflicting feelings. There are, also, stages of "bargaining"...like...wishing it had never happened...wishing one could go back in time...or, wanting to just "escape" the whole thing....
None of what you have said, makes you a bad person. You said that you are trying to be a "better person"....think about that ----it sounds like you think badly about yourself....You are not a bad person just because you have been hurt, and are hurting....You deserve your feelings, just l ike everone else deserves their feelings. Feelings jus are...they belong to you and you are entitled to them...and, they belong to you. Now, how a person deals with their feelings, is another matter, of curse....
Iris....am I hearing some low-self esteem....lol....? Lots of very good and wonderful people, do struggle with self esteem...and, truthfully, the seeds of that are usually planted when they are growing up...when they are still young, by the people around them...somehow. Not your fault, if you do....
LOL...I have to point out something obvious---you say that you don't want nyone to have to give you advice....but, I have to point out that your last two threads actually have the word "Advice" in the title...They said thst you "just need some advice' and "need advice badly"....Maybe, you meant to say "understanding", instead...?
Sometimes, others who are on this site, have been through the same things as you have, and have a lot of compassion...how they show their compassion is to share what they have learned, that have helped them...in hope that it will help others....They don't mind sharing, because they have compassion and are ususally they type of people who respond to those who are in pain....
I would like to say this...Please don't think that giving "advice" or suggestions to you, is to be taken as any kind or criticism or judgement of you....because it isn't....it is just caring....
don't forget that grieving is an ongoing process...and it will have stages, but it will become less and less over time....it won't always feel like this...
I can remember when I was grieving a loss, myself...and I was a hot mess!! For quite a while....sometimes, it felt like I could hardly breathe....I couldn't even imagine feeling "normal" and happy, again...yet, within a year, everything in my life had changed...for the better....there was no way I could have seen that coming.....but, it did. So many good things came my way.....
I am guilty of giving you a lot of advice..I must admit....I have worked with a lot of people who are going through what you are going through....so, I guess it comes "natural" for me....lol....
When a person is going through the grief process...there is such a mix of emotions and, a lot....lot....of ruminating....going over, in their minds, of everything about the relationship...rethinking everything...over and over. So many different feelings...and, uncomfortable, conflicting feelings. There are, also, stages of "bargaining"...like...wishing it had never happened...wishing one could go back in time...or, wanting to just "escape" the whole thing....
None of what you have said, makes you a bad person. You said that you are trying to be a "better person"....think about that ----it sounds like you think badly about yourself....You are not a bad person just because you have been hurt, and are hurting....You deserve your feelings, just l ike everone else deserves their feelings. Feelings jus are...they belong to you and you are entitled to them...and, they belong to you. Now, how a person deals with their feelings, is another matter, of curse....
Iris....am I hearing some low-self esteem....lol....? Lots of very good and wonderful people, do struggle with self esteem...and, truthfully, the seeds of that are usually planted when they are growing up...when they are still young, by the people around them...somehow. Not your fault, if you do....
LOL...I have to point out something obvious---you say that you don't want nyone to have to give you advice....but, I have to point out that your last two threads actually have the word "Advice" in the title...They said thst you "just need some advice' and "need advice badly"....Maybe, you meant to say "understanding", instead...?
Sometimes, others who are on this site, have been through the same things as you have, and have a lot of compassion...how they show their compassion is to share what they have learned, that have helped them...in hope that it will help others....They don't mind sharing, because they have compassion and are ususally they type of people who respond to those who are in pain....
I would like to say this...Please don't think that giving "advice" or suggestions to you, is to be taken as any kind or criticism or judgement of you....because it isn't....it is just caring....
don't forget that grieving is an ongoing process...and it will have stages, but it will become less and less over time....it won't always feel like this...
I can remember when I was grieving a loss, myself...and I was a hot mess!! For quite a while....sometimes, it felt like I could hardly breathe....I couldn't even imagine feeling "normal" and happy, again...yet, within a year, everything in my life had changed...for the better....there was no way I could have seen that coming.....but, it did. So many good things came my way.....
I am guilty of giving you a lot of advice..I must admit....I have worked with a lot of people who are going through what you are going through....so, I guess it comes "natural" for me....lol....
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Perhaps he does love you as much as he is capable of loving anyone. As I'm sure you already know from reading around the site, addicts are a very self-centered bunch, their addiction demands it.
3 years from now, not much may have changed for him, he might get out of jail and go right back to what he was doing. There is actually a member here on SR - Gemini7, who was in a not so different situation, except not with a baby.
Her boyfriend and she had basically broken up but while he was in jail (for 4 years) and clean they kept in touch and they got back together the day he was released, despite her best intentions. He stayed with her one day I think it was before he was out using again.
Addiction is hard to beat and the person has to want it so much they are willing to put in a lot of work to get straight. I hope he gets lots of help while in prison but that still doesn't guarantee it will work.
I know it's early yet but what are you thinking? Do you think you even want to wait for him or might you be happier moving on? Does doing that make you feel guilty?
This is Gemini's update from the other day:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ed-awhile.html (Update-Haven't Posted In Awhile)
This is one of her other threads:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ng-so-bad.html (New Here-Hurting So Bad)
I don't know if you know, but to see someone's other threads you just click on their name in the thread, by their picture and a drop down menu appears, just choose Find all threads started by to get a list.
3 years from now, not much may have changed for him, he might get out of jail and go right back to what he was doing. There is actually a member here on SR - Gemini7, who was in a not so different situation, except not with a baby.
Her boyfriend and she had basically broken up but while he was in jail (for 4 years) and clean they kept in touch and they got back together the day he was released, despite her best intentions. He stayed with her one day I think it was before he was out using again.
Addiction is hard to beat and the person has to want it so much they are willing to put in a lot of work to get straight. I hope he gets lots of help while in prison but that still doesn't guarantee it will work.
I know it's early yet but what are you thinking? Do you think you even want to wait for him or might you be happier moving on? Does doing that make you feel guilty?
This is Gemini's update from the other day:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ed-awhile.html (Update-Haven't Posted In Awhile)
This is one of her other threads:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ng-so-bad.html (New Here-Hurting So Bad)
I don't know if you know, but to see someone's other threads you just click on their name in the thread, by their picture and a drop down menu appears, just choose Find all threads started by to get a list.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
, also, nIris.....I think that anyone who gets entwined with an addict ...or anyone who takes more than they can, or will give...goes through a form of "hell"....like you describe. It is normal to have compassion for someone that they have loved and put themselves into....
When a person is going through the grief process...there is such a mix of emotions and, a lot....lot....of ruminating....going over, in their minds, of everything about the relationship...rethinking everything...over and over. So many different feelings...and, uncomfortable, conflicting feelings. There are, also, stages of "bargaining"...like...wishing it had never happened...wishing one could go back in time...or, wanting to just "escape" the whole thing....
None of what you have said, makes you a bad person. You said that you are trying to be a "better person"....think about that ----it sounds like you think badly about yourself....You are not a bad person just because you have been hurt, and are hurting....You deserve your feelings, just l ike everone else deserves their feelings. Feelings jus are...they belong to you and you are entitled to them...and, they belong to you. Now, how a person deals with their feelings, is another matter, of curse....
Iris....am I hearing some low-self esteem....lol....? Lots of very good and wonderful people, do struggle with self esteem...and, truthfully, the seeds of that are usually planted when they are growing up...when they are still young, by the people around them...somehow. Not your fault, if you do....
LOL...I have to point out something obvious---you say that you don't want nyone to have to give you advice....but, I have to point out that your last two threads actually have the word "Advice" in the title...They said thst you "just need some advice' and "need advice badly"....Maybe, you meant to say "understanding", instead...?
Sometimes, others who are on this site, have been through the same things as you have, and have a lot of compassion...how they show their compassion is to share what they have learned, that have helped them...in hope that it will help others....They don't mind sharing, because they have compassion and are ususally they type of people who respond to those who are in pain....
I would like to say this...Please don't think that giving "advice" or suggestions to you, is to be taken as any kind or criticism or judgement of you....because it isn't....it is just caring....
don't forget that grieving is an ongoing process...and it will have stages, but it will become less and less over time....it won't always feel like this...
I can remember when I was grieving a loss, myself...and I was a hot mess!! For quite a while....sometimes, it felt like I could hardly breathe....I couldn't even imagine feeling "normal" and happy, again...yet, within a year, everything in my life had changed...for the better....there was no way I could have seen that coming.....but, it did. So many good things came my way.....
I am guilty of giving you a lot of advice..I must admit....I have worked with a lot of people who are going through what you are going through....so, I guess it comes "natural" for me....lol....
When a person is going through the grief process...there is such a mix of emotions and, a lot....lot....of ruminating....going over, in their minds, of everything about the relationship...rethinking everything...over and over. So many different feelings...and, uncomfortable, conflicting feelings. There are, also, stages of "bargaining"...like...wishing it had never happened...wishing one could go back in time...or, wanting to just "escape" the whole thing....
None of what you have said, makes you a bad person. You said that you are trying to be a "better person"....think about that ----it sounds like you think badly about yourself....You are not a bad person just because you have been hurt, and are hurting....You deserve your feelings, just l ike everone else deserves their feelings. Feelings jus are...they belong to you and you are entitled to them...and, they belong to you. Now, how a person deals with their feelings, is another matter, of curse....
Iris....am I hearing some low-self esteem....lol....? Lots of very good and wonderful people, do struggle with self esteem...and, truthfully, the seeds of that are usually planted when they are growing up...when they are still young, by the people around them...somehow. Not your fault, if you do....
LOL...I have to point out something obvious---you say that you don't want nyone to have to give you advice....but, I have to point out that your last two threads actually have the word "Advice" in the title...They said thst you "just need some advice' and "need advice badly"....Maybe, you meant to say "understanding", instead...?
Sometimes, others who are on this site, have been through the same things as you have, and have a lot of compassion...how they show their compassion is to share what they have learned, that have helped them...in hope that it will help others....They don't mind sharing, because they have compassion and are ususally they type of people who respond to those who are in pain....
I would like to say this...Please don't think that giving "advice" or suggestions to you, is to be taken as any kind or criticism or judgement of you....because it isn't....it is just caring....
don't forget that grieving is an ongoing process...and it will have stages, but it will become less and less over time....it won't always feel like this...
I can remember when I was grieving a loss, myself...and I was a hot mess!! For quite a while....sometimes, it felt like I could hardly breathe....I couldn't even imagine feeling "normal" and happy, again...yet, within a year, everything in my life had changed...for the better....there was no way I could have seen that coming.....but, it did. So many good things came my way.....
I am guilty of giving you a lot of advice..I must admit....I have worked with a lot of people who are going through what you are going through....so, I guess it comes "natural" for me....lol....
I just feel like you all have given me so much advice that there’s nothing left to say to me. I know that I come off as whiney and even dramatic maybe,sorry. Lol. I just feel so down lately it’s like a never ending nightmare.
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Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 84
Originally Posted by dandylion
Hi, Iris....how are you doing...?
We are thinking about you...….
We are thinking about you...….
Thank you for checking up on me.
I am pretty down as usual but I’m surviving. I visited my boyfriend today in jail and he cried when he saw me. Admitted how he was such an “F up” and how he wishes he had listened to me. It made me feel bad,and I’m not adjusting well to parenting. Single parenting at that. It’s scary for me and I’m still not completely use to the baby. I don’t feel like I bonded with him and often when he cries or spits up I feel like I’m doing something wrong. Like a complete failure. It’s tough for me. My mom doesn’t wanna stay with me anymore but I feel so bad I don’t wanna be alone at all. It terrifies me at the moment,so I practically beg people to stay with me. I don’t know if I will ever get use to this. My boyfriends mom and I had a conversation about him on the way to the jail today and how his dad would spit on him and kick him when he was little,and it just broke my heart for him. He is so messed up and I see why. His own mom comes off as cold and cynical as well. I’m just starting to see the bigger picture of why he is so messed up and I feel bad for him. I keep trying to remember that this too shall pass and one day soon it’ll be better. That’s what keeps me going. Currently my leaving the house is extremely limited and only when I have a sitter for the baby. So therapy has been put off until that changes. I’m just a nervous wreck lately and there’s no sign of that going away. Again, thanks guys...I hope soon I will be able to say that things are going the right way instead of always complaining. Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Iris, in a little while you'll be able to bring the baby with you when you go out, in a sling or pram (not sure what you call it in the US), so you won't need a sitter. Babies love going for a walk with their parents, all snuggled up against them. It's soothing, and gets you out of the house, even if just around the block.
I'm not surprised you're having some trouble bonding with the little fella when you're constantly stressed, but keep talking to him, singing, cuddling him and showing him toys and soon he'll be responding back to you and you'll feel more relaxed. Setting up a routine as much as possible will help both of you.
Please remember, newborns can be tricky until they settle into their routine, so watch your self-talk when things aren't going smoothly as you'd like. It's not your fault; any new mother has these moments.
I'm not surprised you're having some trouble bonding with the little fella when you're constantly stressed, but keep talking to him, singing, cuddling him and showing him toys and soon he'll be responding back to you and you'll feel more relaxed. Setting up a routine as much as possible will help both of you.
Please remember, newborns can be tricky until they settle into their routine, so watch your self-talk when things aren't going smoothly as you'd like. It's not your fault; any new mother has these moments.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Contrary to what they show on TV, lots of Mothers (and Fathers) don't form instant bonds with their babies. Doesn't mean you don't love them or that you are a bad parent or person.
I imagine this is especially common when other things are going on. You are already stressed and concerned about your BF in jail and you have little support right now, all these things play in to it.
You will get fond of the little fella with time, guaranteed, but don't even worry about it. You are taking good care of him I'm sure and that's all that matters right now. As long as you are close to him and he's getting hugs, he is happy.
The conversation you had with his Mom is interesting and tragic. How terrible. Anyway, yes, it's a tough upbringing. Lots of people go through horrendous childhoods, that's a fact.
I want to say, you don't sound whiny or complaining. It's good to talk this stuff out you know. Being isolated is not a good thing for you, it's not a great thing for anyone! We all need that contact and bouncing ideas and thoughts off others can be really helpful. I do it all the time. Otherwise you are just stuck in your head and have no outside perspective. Doesn't mean you have to actually do anything with those perspectives but I think it's helpful.
Now the question is, since you are so down, what steps are you taking to make things better for yourself, what steps can you take?
You aren't actually trapped, there is help available for you. Despite how it feels right now you can make changes that will make life happier for you.
I imagine this is especially common when other things are going on. You are already stressed and concerned about your BF in jail and you have little support right now, all these things play in to it.
You will get fond of the little fella with time, guaranteed, but don't even worry about it. You are taking good care of him I'm sure and that's all that matters right now. As long as you are close to him and he's getting hugs, he is happy.
The conversation you had with his Mom is interesting and tragic. How terrible. Anyway, yes, it's a tough upbringing. Lots of people go through horrendous childhoods, that's a fact.
I just feel like you all have given me so much advice that there’s nothing left to say to me. I know that I come off as whiney and even dramatic maybe,sorry. Lol. I just feel so down lately it’s like a never ending nightmare.
Now the question is, since you are so down, what steps are you taking to make things better for yourself, what steps can you take?
You aren't actually trapped, there is help available for you. Despite how it feels right now you can make changes that will make life happier for you.
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Iris.....I am glad that you posted! Even so...I didn't really expect you to be doing a maypole dance.....Mourning doesn't finish, overnight...it take it's own time....and changing hormones and isolation, on top, doesn't help.....
All babies cry and spit-up, sometimes.....mine did...especially, one of them...and, that did not make me or all of the other mother's a failure. It doesn't make you a failure. When a person is feeling down or depressed...they tend to be very down on themselves....in every way.
By the way Iris....when you say that "you have given me so much advice that there is nothing to say to me".....you couldn't be more wrong....LOL!! You have underestimated me....I could talk for 100years...and, never run out of advice to give! I could talk the legs off a table, if need be.
Iris...you seem to think that your voicing your feelings (which you call "complaining" ) is the problem. That is not the problem....and, your style isn't either.....I see the problem is in your not getting the kind of help that you need. You need help....which you have admitted, yourself.....
I am going to go out on a limb, here...and suggest...or, ask you--maybe, you have heard all this advice, and just wish that we would just shut up....and, stop pressuring you to take steps...baby steps....to improve your situation....
You said that you were good at doing for boyfriend, but, not taking care of your own needs.....Maybe, it is hard for you to think of taking care of your self....maybe, it is hard for you to actually ask for or accept help? Could it be that you have always thought you had to go everything alone...and never learned who to ask for help or how to accept it...or, even that you deserve it? Was this boyfriend the first one who made you think that you were never going to be alone...and, he became your greatest source of company and security feelings? I know there have been other boyfriends, but it sounds like you put a whole lot of eggs into this one......a barrow-full of trust and investment...….
I will confess...that, I see putting the therapy off, as a down-turn of events. So needed, right now. Can I assume that the therapist said that you can't bring the baby...or, that your doctor said not to take the baby out, yet?
It is a damn shame that the person who watched the baby when your went to jail to see your boyfriend, wouldn't watch the baby for you while you go to a therapy session. Maybe, they would watch the baby if they knew how bad and depressed and anxious you are feeling.....
I'll bet that the therapist would also do a phone session for you, if she knew that you were so depressed and upset, with a newborn. Most therapists will do that, these days....
I hope that you are not one of those people who decides to just suffer along, in this life, because you think that is your fate...…
There ARE so many options and so many people who would be eager to help you.....
All babies cry and spit-up, sometimes.....mine did...especially, one of them...and, that did not make me or all of the other mother's a failure. It doesn't make you a failure. When a person is feeling down or depressed...they tend to be very down on themselves....in every way.
By the way Iris....when you say that "you have given me so much advice that there is nothing to say to me".....you couldn't be more wrong....LOL!! You have underestimated me....I could talk for 100years...and, never run out of advice to give! I could talk the legs off a table, if need be.
Iris...you seem to think that your voicing your feelings (which you call "complaining" ) is the problem. That is not the problem....and, your style isn't either.....I see the problem is in your not getting the kind of help that you need. You need help....which you have admitted, yourself.....
I am going to go out on a limb, here...and suggest...or, ask you--maybe, you have heard all this advice, and just wish that we would just shut up....and, stop pressuring you to take steps...baby steps....to improve your situation....
You said that you were good at doing for boyfriend, but, not taking care of your own needs.....Maybe, it is hard for you to think of taking care of your self....maybe, it is hard for you to actually ask for or accept help? Could it be that you have always thought you had to go everything alone...and never learned who to ask for help or how to accept it...or, even that you deserve it? Was this boyfriend the first one who made you think that you were never going to be alone...and, he became your greatest source of company and security feelings? I know there have been other boyfriends, but it sounds like you put a whole lot of eggs into this one......a barrow-full of trust and investment...….
I will confess...that, I see putting the therapy off, as a down-turn of events. So needed, right now. Can I assume that the therapist said that you can't bring the baby...or, that your doctor said not to take the baby out, yet?
It is a damn shame that the person who watched the baby when your went to jail to see your boyfriend, wouldn't watch the baby for you while you go to a therapy session. Maybe, they would watch the baby if they knew how bad and depressed and anxious you are feeling.....
I'll bet that the therapist would also do a phone session for you, if she knew that you were so depressed and upset, with a newborn. Most therapists will do that, these days....
I hope that you are not one of those people who decides to just suffer along, in this life, because you think that is your fate...…
There ARE so many options and so many people who would be eager to help you.....
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Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 84
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
Iris, in a little while you'll be able to bring the baby with you when you go out, in a sling or pram (not sure what you call it in the US), so you won't need a sitter. Babies love going for a walk with their parents, all snuggled up against them. It's soothing, and gets you out of the house, even if just around the block.
I'm not surprised you're having some trouble bonding with the little fella when you're constantly stressed, but keep talking to him, singing, cuddling him and showing him toys and soon he'll be responding back to you and you'll feel more relaxed. Setting up a routine as much as possible will help both of you.
Please remember, newborns can be tricky until they settle into their routine, so watch your self-talk when things aren't going smoothly as you'd like. It's not your fault; any new mother has these moments.
I'm not surprised you're having some trouble bonding with the little fella when you're constantly stressed, but keep talking to him, singing, cuddling him and showing him toys and soon he'll be responding back to you and you'll feel more relaxed. Setting up a routine as much as possible will help both of you.
Please remember, newborns can be tricky until they settle into their routine, so watch your self-talk when things aren't going smoothly as you'd like. It's not your fault; any new mother has these moments.
I can’t wait to get out of this house some honestly. I feel like it’s suffocating me sitting here all the time. I have been trying to stay optimistic which has been hard,but I am reaching out to more people and it seems to be maybe helping me. I still have bad days and my anxiety is still high but I’m just talking myself through it. I can do this... thank you. I keep telling myself he’s healthy this far and growing so,I’m doing something right. If I could only find someone to stay with me everyday,I’d be alright. My anxiety centers around being alone at night with him mainly. It’s very hard to cope when people don’t want to stay. I understand but I need it right now,so. Hoping I can get some assistance since his father won’t be helping. I’m not working right now and I need money for diapers and such. Not sure I’ll have a sitter come time to go back to work. So I’m gonna call tomorrow and try figuring something out. Just a lot of stress on me. I wanna just breathe and be okay. Feel like I need a sitter for the whole day and to just take a walk or go somewhere and relax. It’s only been two weeks (tomorrow) and I feel like it’s went by so slow. Gonna pop some gray hairs if I don’t stop worrying so much,lol.
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Posts: 84
Originally Posted by dandylion
Iris.....I am glad that you posted! Even so...I didn't really expect you to be doing a maypole dance.....Mourning doesn't finish, overnight...it take it's own time....and changing hormones and isolation, on top, doesn't help.....
All babies cry and spit-up, sometimes.....mine did...especially, one of them...and, that did not make me or all of the other mother's a failure. It doesn't make you a failure. When a person is feeling down or depressed...they tend to be very down on themselves....in every way.
By the way Iris....when you say that "you have given me so much advice that there is nothing to say to me".....you couldn't be more wrong....LOL!! You have underestimated me....I could talk for 100years...and, never run out of advice to give! I could talk the legs off a table, if need be.
Iris...you seem to think that your voicing your feelings (which you call "complaining" ) is the problem. That is not the problem....and, your style isn't either.....I see the problem is in your not getting the kind of help that you need. You need help....which you have admitted, yourself.....
I am going to go out on a limb, here...and suggest...or, ask you--maybe, you have heard all this advice, and just wish that we would just shut up....and, stop pressuring you to take steps...baby steps....to improve your situation....
You said that you were good at doing for boyfriend, but, not taking care of your own needs.....Maybe, it is hard for you to think of taking care of your self....maybe, it is hard for you to actually ask for or accept help? Could it be that you have always thought you had to go everything alone...and never learned who to ask for help or how to accept it...or, even that you deserve it? Was this boyfriend the first one who made you think that you were never going to be alone...and, he became your greatest source of company and security feelings? I know there have been other boyfriends, but it sounds like you put a whole lot of eggs into this one......a barrow-full of trust and investment...….
I will confess...that, I see putting the therapy off, as a down-turn of events. So needed, right now. Can I assume that the therapist said that you can't bring the baby...or, that your doctor said not to take the baby out, yet?
It is a damn shame that the person who watched the baby when your went to jail to see your boyfriend, wouldn't watch the baby for you while you go to a therapy session. Maybe, they would watch the baby if they knew how bad and depressed and anxious you are feeling.....
I'll bet that the therapist would also do a phone session for you, if she knew that you were so depressed and upset, with a newborn. Most therapists will do that, these days....
I hope that you are not one of those people who decides to just suffer along, in this life, because you think that is your fate...…
There ARE so many options and so many people who would be eager to help you.....
All babies cry and spit-up, sometimes.....mine did...especially, one of them...and, that did not make me or all of the other mother's a failure. It doesn't make you a failure. When a person is feeling down or depressed...they tend to be very down on themselves....in every way.
By the way Iris....when you say that "you have given me so much advice that there is nothing to say to me".....you couldn't be more wrong....LOL!! You have underestimated me....I could talk for 100years...and, never run out of advice to give! I could talk the legs off a table, if need be.
Iris...you seem to think that your voicing your feelings (which you call "complaining" ) is the problem. That is not the problem....and, your style isn't either.....I see the problem is in your not getting the kind of help that you need. You need help....which you have admitted, yourself.....
I am going to go out on a limb, here...and suggest...or, ask you--maybe, you have heard all this advice, and just wish that we would just shut up....and, stop pressuring you to take steps...baby steps....to improve your situation....
You said that you were good at doing for boyfriend, but, not taking care of your own needs.....Maybe, it is hard for you to think of taking care of your self....maybe, it is hard for you to actually ask for or accept help? Could it be that you have always thought you had to go everything alone...and never learned who to ask for help or how to accept it...or, even that you deserve it? Was this boyfriend the first one who made you think that you were never going to be alone...and, he became your greatest source of company and security feelings? I know there have been other boyfriends, but it sounds like you put a whole lot of eggs into this one......a barrow-full of trust and investment...….
I will confess...that, I see putting the therapy off, as a down-turn of events. So needed, right now. Can I assume that the therapist said that you can't bring the baby...or, that your doctor said not to take the baby out, yet?
It is a damn shame that the person who watched the baby when your went to jail to see your boyfriend, wouldn't watch the baby for you while you go to a therapy session. Maybe, they would watch the baby if they knew how bad and depressed and anxious you are feeling.....
I'll bet that the therapist would also do a phone session for you, if she knew that you were so depressed and upset, with a newborn. Most therapists will do that, these days....
I hope that you are not one of those people who decides to just suffer along, in this life, because you think that is your fate...…
There ARE so many options and so many people who would be eager to help you.....
Ive been really hard on myself lately... but I’m trying not to be lately. And I have been taking all of you all’s advice into consideration,I really appreciate it. It’s just difficult with no transportation. I only got to go see the bf because his mom offered to pick me up on her way there. I just have really bad anxiety and it’s hard to do exactly what I need to do. Tomorrow he will be two weeks old and I feel like it’s just been so horrible trying to adjust. I love my son and I don’t want to seem like he’s not s blessing,but it has been very hard on me. I wasn’t ready,I’ll say that. But he is loved all the same and I wouldn’t trade him for anything. I just need to learn ways of coping with everything. Feel like maybe soon things will turn around for me. I pray they do... much more stress and I’m gonna explode. I will write more when I get the time,baby is waking up.
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Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 84
Ugh.
Got into it with a family member. They called me a bad parent for needing help... really irritates me. I know I have been struggling but I’m trying and I just can’t seem to get it down pat. At night time I ask for help because I’m not sleeping well even when baby does sleep. He wakes up a lot through out the night and I just can’t sleep. I feel like crap tonight. I’m just so angry with his dad for leaving me like this... so stressed. I hate being here alone and I am tonight,all night. Someone please tell me that I’m gonna be okay. I’m so aggravated.
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