Iris1

FeelingGreat

Of course you can do this. If you're not already, don't forget to talk to your little boy, tell him mama loves him and is going to look after him. Soon you're going to be rewarded with a lovely smile, just for you.

trailmix

I agree with FeelingGreat - you absolutely can do this.

And no, I'm not just saying that to make you feel better. You have been going through a trying time, that's very true and you probably think you haven't been handling it as well as you should.

You know what, you haven't run away, you haven't given up, you are where you need to be right now, today. I think you are a lot more courageous than you think you are and you probably won't see that until you are really back on your feet, but that's ok, you only have to keep doing the next right thing.

Eat well, sleep when you can, watch lots of tv! Find funny things on youtube to watch. I really like Graham Norton's show. He has tons of short clips of his show on youtube and the guy is so likeable and some of the stuff in the interviews is so funny, you can't help laughing. The clips are usually from a minute and a half to four minutes, so you don't have to commit a lot of time, just something to watch that's easy and fun.

I understand the loneliness, however, you aren't alone, you have your Son with you now. I like FG's idea of talking to him a lot. He may not understand what you are saying but he knows your voice and that will calm him (and probably you at the same time).

Maybe a suggestion the next time the exbf calls from jail would be that he can write his Son some letters, if he's the type of person who would do that. Another would be, he has several years in there so perhaps there are learning opportunities, courses he would be eligible for so he can get a job when he is out.

If you find his calls hurtful, perhaps you need a break from them? How do you feel about that, do they make you feel better at all, is he at all encouraging?

So glad you have your appt on Monday, you can clear the air with the therapist and ask for tools for lowering your anxiety, that would a relief for you.

Zevin

Congratulations Iris!

dandylion

trailmix…..I am so glad t hear that you are seeing your therapist, tomorrow. You need someone that you can talk openly with, face to face. That is so important.
I hope you won't hesitate to tell her how lonely you are and how much you need some help and company, in the home....she should know how to find you a social worker who can provide these things for you....
I hear that you are overwhelmed with your feelings about you boyfriend....and, I think, grieving..... No wonder you are anxious, with all of this on your mind....
I am thinking it must be very hard to care for your own self and the baby, with all of this looming over you.....
From what you share, I am guessing that you may have become somewhat isolated from your family and any friends...? Would I be "warm" about this....?
Isolation is no good, when one is going through hard times....

I sure hope that you will keep reading and posting, here...there are ways, baby steps, to get you out of this hole....

Iris1

FeelingGreat

Firstly Iris, you're doing just fine. Babies are very tiny, and sometimes they can't handle too much food at once. I'm not sure how you're feeding him, but if breast feeding sometimes the milk comes in with a rush and the baby can't swallow fast enough. Try little feeds often, as often as you like. It won't be long before he gets the hang of things and you get into a routine. If bottle feeding same principle applies.
You could visit your doc and ask for a health visitor to come and reassure you if you're really worried. Glad you love him; sometimes that takes a while if you're super stressed.
Remember, most new mothers and babies take a while to get used to the new routines. You're not a failure; you've only just started. Use all the support services available to you.

trailmix

Iris, you are probably doing better than you imagine in caring for him - but, there is no problem with asking for help.

Being a new Mother is a big deal.

If you need help right away and I mean now, don't hesitate to call 911. Tell them you are a new mother and you are not coping and you need help now, they will completely understand and they will send help for you.

Please don't hesitate to do that, they can help you and take care of the baby while you get that help, you don't need to suffer like this.

dandylion

Iris.....I just read your last post....
About the baby....what FeelingGreat says is right...it takes a while to get into the routine of baby care and, often, new mothers can be very nervous about this. But, I do think that you should call the pediatrician, and discuss the baby's feeding habits....If you don't have a pediatrician, yet, call the GYN doctor and ask for one, now.
You will be seeing the therapist, in a few hours...(if you are in my country--USA)….tell all of this to the therapist, and don't hold back....! You have to be telling the doctors...the Pediatrician, the GYN, and the therapist everything that is going on...just like you are telling us.
You won't be able to get help, unless you ask for it, by those who can do something about it.....I am glad...very glad...that you are talking to us, and I so hope that y ou keep it up...however, we are not actually there with you, so we can't actually MAKE things happen....but, you can, if you ask for the help.....
Remember, it is the job of these people to take care of you and the baby......so, let them....
Please let us know what the therapist says, after you see her....and, let us know how the baby is getting on.....
And...as trailmix said...call the emergency number (for your country), if you need immediate help...it is their job to respond to you and they will help you.....

AnvilheadII

please contact your doctor or the 24 hr nurse line.

Iris1

dandylion

Iris.....Please don't consider it "complaining". I don't. After all, we have been urging you to open up and be honest with others, and your doctors/etc. about how you are feeling and how much help you need. People can't help, if they don't even know you need I t.
You have shared that you are a person who always keeps everything inside. Sometimes, that works against you...especially, with those who are SUPPOSED to help you. LOL--change your wording to being "honest"...or..."candid".
As I have mentioned, before....in addition to adjusting to being a new mother...I strongly believe that you are grieving....grieving the loss of the dream for you and your boyfriend...to have a family, together...a "normal" marriage of mutual support....and happiness...devoid of the nightmare of addiction.
Add to that, the trauma of the near-death overdose, in front of you...while you are pregnant.
I don't know if you tend to have anxiety, under normal circumstances....lots of people do...but, with all that you are dealing with...and keeping it inside, and being isolated, to boot---it is no wonder that you feel overwhelming anxiety!!

Even if all of the above didn't exist...just grieving over a broken relationship is one of the most painful experiences that we humans can experience. That is the way we humans are put together...Mother Nature arranges it that way, for good reasons.
In reality, grieving is the very first step to healing...we have to go through it--there is no choice. And, it doesn't go away, overnight. It is a process that takes weeks to months...depending on how much of themselves a person has put into the relationship...and, it sounds, to me like you put a lot...a lot...of yourself into this relationship....
Grieving can be likened to the waves of the ocean....At first, the waves come big and hard...then, slowly become less big and less hard. Then, after a while, the waves come less and less often....until, finally, the surface of the water is smooth and quiet.....
You need to believe, that, no matter how unbelieveably painful it feels, right now....it will not always feel like this. It will not. The day will come when you feel different....
Those of us who have been through pain that seemed too difficult to even bear, can attest that this is true....
This too, shall pass.....
I know that you have been somewhat isolated....Isolation is no good...just having human contact, is in itself, therapeutic.....

I hope you will let us know how your appointment with your therapist went....

I am sure glad to hear that baby is doing some better....
I had one baby that spit up a lot, for the first month....

Kdg

Hi Iris,
i am new to the forum and my heart goes out to you. There are many people who care on this forum. I have just joined them. It sounds like your family isnt supporting you how you need them to right now. Keep asking though. You are getting good advise here. Sending hugs and some bravery. Forgive yourself for being scared and feeling depressed. It is ok and natural to feel that way in the face of so much adversity.

trailmix

Hey Iris, hope you are feeling a little bit reassured after your therapist visit today.

Anxiety is really tough, I know. Add on top all the things you have been through lately and I'm sure you feel so overwhelmed at times, as you have mentioned.

Always remember that the anxiety will pass. If you think about times when you have had acute anxiety, remember the times when you have felt calmer and more in control. Those times will come again, just need to work through the anxiety the best you can.

Do you have any other support right now? I know here they have public health nurses that visit all new Mothers to check on the baby and Mom to make sure all is well.

Robert88

You can PM me if you need to chat? I am usually on late at night. It is 8:34 PST here.

Iris1

OpheliaKatz

Iris please contact a domestic violence service. They can talk to you on the phone. You don't have to leave the baby. It sounds like your family are quite selfish... much like your boyfriend. I urge you to think of him as not your "boyfriend" but some selfish guy who chose his path in life. He choose to abandon you and your baby. Please don't wait for him. There are other options for you. Can you take your baby with you if you go to a doctor's appointment? It seems like you might need help from a doctor.

If you give up now, you will never know what will happen in the future and even though you don't see it, the future could be good.

dandylion

Iris....I hear that you are really miserable...and alone...and isolated. This is hard for anybody...but, especially so with a newborn....no doubt about it....
Letting go is really hard....and, as I have said...mourning is a part of the process...and, we know that it doesn't happen overnight...it takes time to get past it.
Isolation is the worst thing when one is in mourning....human contact...with caring people is sooo helpful.
I am not surprised that you are crying a lot. I can remember when I went through a very difficult break-up. I cried, and cried...in fact, I cried so much that I am pretty sure that the water table probably dropped...Crying is one way that we can get a bit of emotional release, when we feel sad, helpless, afraid, or overwhelmed....It is Mother Nature's way of letting some of the negative energy out of our bodies...
With pregnancy, and, postpartum....the hormones make it even easier to cry.
I am so sorry that you missed this much needed appointment..Remember, that you can take a small baby to your appointments. The baby can just sit in it's seat and you can give a bottle, if necessary. No problem. You can also, contact the therapist office, and tell the situation of no sitter...and almost any therapist will agree to have a session over the phone. You really need your therapist, now....
It is a real bummer that you don't have the family help that you need, right now. I can feel your disappointment. Nowdays, it can be harder for some people to get family support, with many women working and not able to take a lot of time off...or, lose their jobs. That makes it necessary to turn to other sources of help....that is just the reality of it for many mothers, today.
I hear you, about the options...but, it sounds, to me, like you have already bonded with your baby.....you can still talk about these feelings with the therapist or the social worker....
Iris...I am going to talk some turkey with you, now...lol.....
This is about getting some real-time, tangible, practical help...and getting away from your extreme isolation....Even though I recognize how overwhelmed and helpless you feel, just now....I am encouraging you...asking you...to take some baby steps. with the following....
In the US...(I am going to assume that you are in the US)….every county has a department of Maternal and Child Health....sometimes, it is listed under the main heading of Public Health. They all have social workers on the staff.
You can google...."County Government".....and see all of their departments, listed. Choose the one that says something about maternal or child health/services. Get the number, and call and ask to speak to a social worker.
Tell them that you are in a crisis, as a mother of a newborn who is alone. It is critical to tell them that...up front. They will jump into action. They may send someone to your home, right away, to talk to you...In the event that they want you in an in-person appointment....go, and take the baby with you. that will be o.k.
You may wonder why I harp on seeing a social worker, so much...it is that I know that social workers have so many resources, at their fingertips...that you probably have never even knew that existed! They can get all kinds of help for you...including child care...babysitters....someone to just come and spend time with you....they know where there are volunteers who just do that kind of thing. They can hep with transportation services and financial help, if you need it. They can offer counselors, special classes for babycare, support groups of other mothers...People that you can talk to and form friendships with. They can even get special help for those who have been through trauma (like you...with the near death experience with BF overdose)….
In short...they will respond to whatever needs that you tell them about.
You will not be left alone!
Perhaps, you can take the time to do this, while baby is asleep.....
This might feel "unnatural" for you, at first...but, do it anyway.....babystep,,,,,
You sound like an intelligent woman...and, if you have been able to deal with a boyfriend who is addicted....you have enough strength inside you to cope with anything!! We never know now strong or brave we can be...until that is the only option left....
I am hoping that you will trust me, enough, to do as I am suggesting, about this.
Iris, you know....sometimes, it is just about knowing WHERE to go, and who to ask for help.....
Knowledge is power.

Action before feeling. It is a fact...that if you feel lousy...do something (babystep)...and then, you feel better. Don't wait to "feel better" before action....it doesn't work in that direction...lol....

You can do this. You are not alone....as you feel

TropicalWinter

Big hugs to you.

When I had a newborn, I brought him to my therapy appointments and kept him with me. If I needed to, I nursed him right there on my therapist's couch. You might check with your therapist about bringing your baby with you - the ones that I know would have no problem whatsoever with that.

dandylion

Iris...I sent you a PM (private message). Look for the blinking black box in the upper, right hand corner...and, click on it....