gemini7

Hello all.

I thought I would come on here and give an update of how I've been doing. I haven't been on the site very much lately. For those who aren't familiar with my story, just check out my prior threads.

I still haven't heard from my ex since Oct 28th. It still seems surreal at times the way things happened. It will still sting now and then when I think about it. I've even cried over it at times where I felt I was doing great, then it would come out of nowhere. Overall though, I'm glad that dude is gone!! I didn't want him back then (even though I wanted answers, apology, etc.) and I def still don't want him back. I also don't care about an apology anymore or "closure".

Closure is overrated and keeps you stuck. It can keep you from moving on. I hope that resonates with whoever may need to hear it.

I don't talk to his family anymore even though we're all still friends on Facebook. Luckily, my ex never had social media or I know I def would have stalked it after all this initially happened. But cutting contact with them, esp his mom, has helped immensely. I miss her and I'll send her messages here and there just telling her I love her. She'll tell me she loves me back, and that's it. We don't have conversations. I think we both understand it has to be this way right now. I don't care to hear anything about my ex at all.

So as far as how I'm doing overall, I'm doing well. I have restarted my weight loss journey after getting completely off track last year. Then I was sick for all of Jan, and most of Feb. I restarted about 2 weeks ago. I've lost about 7lbs so far. I have been binge watching certain youtubers that really motivate me and help me to focus on myself. I am very active on Instagram. I have a pretty large following on my weight loss page. That keeps me busy. I am in a much better place and wonder why I ever settled so much. Why did I ever entertain a drug addict felon? Why? Why did I not feel I deserved more? I'm still working on that. I'm def not dating. Not interested.

All I care about now is building myself up, working toward my dreams and goals and being around people who really care about me. I want people to know life goes on and you are worth more than being at the mercy of someones addiction(s). I'm nowhere near where I want to be in life, but I'm getting there, so this def will not be my last update.

I wanted to thank everyone who responded to my past threads. A lot of it was tough love, and I needed it, although at times it was tough to swallow. I really feel I may not be here without this site. I will always be grateful to you all. I literally feel it helped save my life. I was suicidal back then. I don't think I ever said it in that way in any of my threads, but I was. Then my grandma passed right after, and then I really felt like giving up.

But through the support of my family, a few friends, and you all, I made it! And whoever may read this, know you can make it too! There is life after a relationship with an addict. Put the energy you put into them, into you! Love yourself just as hard, actually more, like you did them. Much love.

P.S. No contact is the way to go people! When people on here tell you "new contact=new hurts", believe them! Just read my past threads to see how hearing about my ex from his mom opened up the wound all over again when I was trying to heal. I understand not everyone can cut all contact esp when children are involved. But let that be the only contact you have, is about them. Cut every piece of contact you can otherwise! Delete them off social media, don't check up on them through family and friends, etc. Cut contact! I can't stress it enough! I didn't have to deal with my ex trying to call me, etc, but if yours is, ignore the calls. Block the number! Do whatever you have to do! Put yourself and your healing first!

trailmix

gemini you sound great, so glad you posted your update! I'm so happy for you and hope you will keep posting.

gemini7

Thank you so much! I appreciate that!

hopeful4

Good for you Gemini! I am so glad to hear from you. You are right, if a person can go N.C. that is the best way. It gives you the space you need to heal.

Big hugs!

Ann

Amen, sister. You are thinking straight and on a good path. Thank you for this lovely update.

The pain of separation does end, and is so much more healing that staying and living in a world of addiction.

I am so glad you came back. Your posts will help the newcomers find hope that they too can move on and have a good life after addiction.

Hugs

gemini7

Thank you so much! Yes, no contact is best! For me, I didn't have to deal with avoiding him, b/c he just disappeared, but I also never tried to contact him once. I also had to make sure not to contact his family and have discussions with them about him. It made a big difference.

gemini7

Thank you Ann. That means a lot to me. Like you said, there's def still healing to be done, but I am soooo much better than I was. And again, the no contact thing is what helped most. I never tried to contact him once after he did his thing, and I stopped contacting his family also and that made it so much easier. I appreciate your support so much.

CanadianRose

This is beautiful, gemini. Isn't it amazing how much life really does go on after them no matter how much you thought the world ended because of them? The happy endings I've seen here generally involve the people who were entangled with the addict moving on with their own lives. That's sad in itself, but it's reality and life does get better on the other side.

gemini7

Thank you so much. I have my times/days. I'm still not completely healed from it at all. But, I'm much better than I was! I think if he wasn't who he is (my first love from when I was 16, I'll be 46 this year), I never would have entertained him nor would it be as hard to get over. He was a big part of my life back then. And then he came back into my life for the past 6 years. So it still sucks at times, but overall I'm doing well. I appreciate your words.

And no! The world doesn't end at all! It can actually get much better!

NWDad

hello Gemini,

Sounds like you're recovering. I recall when I was in graduate school, they showed us lab rats with small babies. The lab assistants started to give the rats meth. Within two days the baby rats died when their "mothers" stopped feeding them and just ingested meth. My point being that even something so hard-wired as feeding your baby is over-powered by drugs like meth.

It occurs to me that you can't be in a relationship with an active addict. The part of the brain that 'loves" is not available. They are already in a relationship with drugs and that's a relationship you could never compete with.

God bless

pdm22

Oh yay, that’s such good news! Being cut off like that is so painful, but it’s true, if you keep the no contact going and put your focus on other things, it can be parlayed into a good thing. It usually doesn’t feel like it in the beginning, and sometimes it takes a while, and there can be a period of immense pain..But once you get through the ick and the muck, and get through to the other side, you can look back and realize you dodged a huge bullet, and see that the cut off was a blessing in disguise. So happy for you, gemini7.

gemini7

This is true. He couldn't love me the way I needed to be loved anyway. He can't even love himself. He was never a great partner. He had good qualities (while sober), but overall he was still emotionally unavailable and very self-centered. He didn't see that though.

Thank you for your words and sorry I'm just seeing this.

gemini7

Yeah him never contacting me after that (at least that I know of, I had a lot of calls from unknown numbers, but I never answered them and no messages were ever left) was, and still is, painful. I still to this day am not over it all. I'm just a lot better than I was.

I always knew even back when it happened I would never get back with him and never wanted to be back with him. I even said that back when it first happened. But I got stuck on him not even showing he cared at all by at least calling and saying something. I mean that was crazy to me after all we'd been through. It was so abrupt and it made my head spin.

But I guess not hearing from him was a blessing in disguise. It would have been harder had he continually tried to contact me when I knew I wouldn't ever go back to him.

I def dodged a bullet! Thank you so much for your words and sorry I'm just seeing your response.

trailmix

Hi gemini, glad to hear you are feeling even better.