Ann

PJ, I often avoid highways and take country roads to my destination, it doesn't take much longer and is a much more pleasant drive...and I often do it without radio or any noise distraction. I can look at the hills (I too live in hilly country) and notice the horse farms and wild turkeys in the fields. I sometimes crack my window, even in winter, just to get some fresh air and to hear the birds. This IS peace, PJ. I am glad you have found it.

Beautiful, Ophelia. Isn't it nice sometimes to just withdraw from the chaos of the day and find our own quiet place to relax and regain the peace in our own life?

There is a lot of forest and lakes in my area and I love to drive north a little to one particular area where there are herds of deer, not one or two but herds of 10 or more each. It is a lovely area to drive and walk through, whether I see a deer or not, but my heart fills with joy when I do. All this puts my world back in perspective, it connects me with nature and the outdoors and makes me feel very alive and happy. Just a walk in a forest of deer, who knew peace and joy could be found as simply as that.

Last Sunday I took these. I find if I stand quietly and humbly, let them see me and that I am not a predator. I can avert my eyes and walk quietly closer and then just stand and wait and before long at least one deer will approach me, as if to welcome me to his home. Like any good visitor I respect that I am a visitor here and try not to disrupt what they are doing, whether grazing or sleeping in the snow. This fellow came so close I could have touched him, but I didn't. Instead I spoke quietly, thanked him for allowing the picture and I think I saw him nod a "you're welcome" as he returned to his group.

OpheliaKatz

I missed fear and forgiveness. So here goes. This past year I have been thinking about all my relationships. I am at a stage in my recovery where I want my life to be filled with people who value and respect me... and I have discovered that the people I have had in my life were not people who really respected me... and this is part of the reason why I was in a dysfunctional relationship for so long (I just didn't know that I had options, I had tolerated everything and everyone). So now that I know I have options, I'm seriously thinking about if I should cull my list of so-called friends down to... zero. There were literally zero people I could think of who I felt actually respected me or shared my values, who I felt I had a valuable relationship with. None of these people were uplifting; sometimes I felt worse after talking to them because they never asked me about me. Although they have good qualities, they are competitive, greedy, and shallow. I felt they sometimes put pressure on me to conform. One of the values I unconsciously upheld while I wasn't looking too closely at our friendship was the idea that if you get a husband, you "keep" him. You dress a certain way, you learn how to make sauces, and you do laundry... and don't forget to also have babies and not get fat, and have a career (even if your man is busy leveling up his MPG character or doing anything else totally self-serving, like drinking). I feel that fear makes them act this way -- they fear being socially or culturally unacceptable. It's odd that the least open-minded, most "traditional" person I know is actually an atheist.

In the past, being with an addict simply distracted me from the other dysfunctional people in my life... now that, that's no longer an issue, I see things more clearly. Fear of being alone kept me in the wrong situations. Now fear of people is keeping me from finding my people, whoever they are.

If I forgive everyone and just accept that they are going to act the way they are going to act, and I should just grey rock them, I may avoid a hermit's fate until I find my magic tribe of authentic humans.

Ann

It seems once we let fear into our hearts and minds, it wants to take over and gnaw away at our hope for a better life. And it sticks like glue and is very hard to shake.

I shared before that, for me, faith is the antidote to fear. And although I have a strong faith in God, it's also about faith in ourselves, I think. It's hard to have self-esteem and faith in ourselves when everything we were every taught or have ever known left us not even knowing who we were or what we wanted.

Ophelia, you have good vision to see that your "friends" are not contributing healthy things to your relationships. And I totally get the fear of making new friends. This time you know what you want from a friendship and you know how to spot the values you seek.

Maybe share some of the ways or places you can find new friendships, I know it takes courage to just get out there. Hobbies, Clubs, church groups, interest groups? I'd love to hear how you do this or what your plan may be to begin.

And I am happy to think of you as my friend, recovery has brought many good people into my life.

LoveMeNow

Good Morning Friends,

Oh Ann, those pictures are beautiful. I allowed myself to believe I was there you. What a wonderful experience. Thank you!

So interestingly enough, my son too was just released from jail and has tried to contact me through Facebook. I have not responded and do not intend too. Based on his Facebook postings, nothing has changed in his world.

While he was in jail, his birth mom died of an overdose. I know he was in contact with her and i felt sad for the pain this may have caused him. However, I am not going to use this as a reason/excuse to allow him back into my life. He is wayyyy too toxic and dangerous.

Forgiveness? Funny, I was going to ask if that could be our next topic. I have really struggled with forgiveness for my EXAH. I know he is sick but....
My friends say I have come a long way but I know I am not completely there yet. I know it is for me yet I still struggle. I will continue to work on it through prayer.

Peace.... I have created a very peaceful home with lighting. I just love turning on my lights (candles, lighted branches in a large vase, interesting lamps, etc) and listening to some music. The relaxed ambience of my home gives me so much peace.

Ann

For me, forgiveness has to start with prayer. Although the load of resentments is heavy, it is just very difficult to put it down.

I forgive my son for a life of bad choices, he has suffered more than I have with it. I forgive him and I love him, I just cannot engage with his mindset and lifestyle when he continues to use...that's why I am giving it time, he may have got clean in prison but now he's back in the real world and, once again has choices...the old path, knowing where it leads or a new path of recovery, also knowing where it leads because he's had as much as 3 years clean...a long time ago now. I need to see his choice and his actions to support it. Then I will decide but I feel no sense of urgency to do anything right now.

LMN, I keep your son in my prayers too. He too has choices and he's the only one who can make them. Keeping a safe distance is wise, and I know you have a good heart, but it's also a smart heart and this time it is working with you. How do you forgive? What does it take to let go of the pain attached to your past? I'd love your thoughts, you have come a long way and your recovery shines.

Ann

PhoenixJ

I have 2 sins- for their own reasons, based on the hurt and damage I caused when drinking do not talk to me. I love them both fiercely and if anything should happen to them- I do not know what I would do- I can think on no worse place for a parent to be. So first off- my prayers and support to your sons LMN and Annand of course to you both as well.

This carries over to forgiveness and Ophelia's post. I can understand the reflections of feeling worse around people after- because of what they do- or not do. When I actively drank alcohol, I used people- unknowingly, not maliciously - but used them all the same. I understand this now and can use that information to assist me in having empathy for others still in active addiction, but more and more from a healthy distance.

Such people DO cause me to make myself feel the worse off for being in their company. I have a new social network, in the Art School I am in. I do not share 'me' much- wrapping myself in a cocoon of protective isolation (although I force myself to do human things) because survival mode was my priority these last 3Y. l so- despite what I achieve, I often find myself feeling inadequate, 'wrong', or not worthy of positive stuff like love and healing and stuff. This comes down to acceptance, forgiveness and letting go of the past- with myself.

Ann

So true, PJ. We must forgive ourselves first. I was a huge enabler to my son, and no matter how many times I got taken in, I came back for more. I jumped through hoops to try to save him, I used up all my energy and sanity trying to save what was not mine to save. And in the process, I totally lost sight of who I was and what I wanted/needed from life.

I forgive myself for what I did to my son, thinking it was love. And I forgive myself for the damage I did to myself, my soul, my spirit.

In most cases HE wasn't the problem, it was me all along, I allowed myself to become a person I didn't like, a person who lived in fear and who was too stubborn to listen to those wiser than me, who had been where I was. I allowed myself to become an exhausted, neurotic woman and there is nobody else to blame for that.

Thank God for recovery, literally. I thank God for answering my prayers when I hardly knew what to pray for, and for shining His light on a path I could follow. I still work to stay on that path but one thing I know is that I shall never turn back to where I came from. I travel light, leaving resentments behind, and some days I just let life lead me to where I am supposed to go. It's always always a good place.

Sheesh, PJ, sometimes I get started and can't just shut up. That's what you get for putting out such a good thought.

PhoenixJ

Such thoughts help me clarify my own Ann. Such as- why do, with each external achievement I make (outside of me)- like art, or CBT or whatever- do I continue to berate myself- answer? In part because I cannot, still- let go and forgive myself for what I became...that is only part of it, but a place to work from.

I still have a long way to go.

I have a friend from recovery, she is another little sister, but she fights and tries and slowly succeeds.

Between us, we agree we would probably make quite a good human.

LoveMeNow

I had kind of a long commute to work so I started listening to podcasts. One of the ones I liked was about "forgiveness." I think it was on Oprahs Super Soul Sunday podcasts. Anyway, this particular podcast suggested to pray for that person for 30 days. At the time, I could barely stand the thought of him, much less praying that he was doing well and was happy. By the 4th day, it got much easier. God knows my heart. He knew I struggled with sincerity. But the most amazing thing happened, I started to really wish him the best.

I think it may be time for a refresher course. LOL

OpheliaKatz

Maybe I should try this. It sounds like it might work.

PhoenixJ

I do that- pray for those who are not in favour with me. It usually turns out my brain finally works out- it is me, not them.

Ann

LoveMeNow, I too was told to pray for those who I resented and first I started out snarky... poor God got used to my ploys and was patient, and eventually the snarky became civilized, then sincere. Kind of like the southern "Bless his heart" when insulting someone. "He's as stubborn as a mule and would rather turn blue then agree to breathe...bless his heart."

My prayers started something like..."God, please make my lying, thieving, devious son trip over his own feet next time he tries to take something...maybe You can stop him in his tracks. Amen" Then "God, help my son from being such an unpleasant, miserable little *******, he's nasty to be around." And eventually to "God, please help my son."

There were lots more in between but I could see by the time I got to the last one that MY resentments had vanished and my prayer was now pure compassion. And, once I reached that point, the resentments were gone for good.

I read this when looking for words wiser than mine and I like very much how simply he puts it.

A Few Ideas About How to Forgive
~Galen T (from AA personal stories)

If we want help in learning how to forgive others, we can find plenty of advice from philosophers, psychologists, lifestyle consultants, and spiritual gurus. Some of it is glib and simplistic, but much is sensible. Most of us need to put together a combination of strategies that work for us. Our personal recipe for forgiveness will depend on several factors, including the nature and severity of the harm we suffered. Some offenses we may be able to forgive quickly and easily while others can take months or even years of persistent effort.


With this in mind, let’s look at several aids to forgiveness attested to in the literature and verified by people like us in practice.


When I was young in the program I was taught to pray for the person I was angry with. I was taught to pray on this every day for at least two weeks and to pray it out loud. When I followed these instructions, it was effective in reducing, if not completely eradicating, my resentments.

In recovery circles, we sometimes hear the question, “How important is it?” Contrasting my own situation with those of those suffering under far worse burdens puts my own struggles into perspective and helps me from over-catastrophizing my circumstances. I can draw courage and resolve from those who have forgiven far worse than what I am faced with.

The practice of loving-kindness meditation can also be effective. This often begins with several minutes of simple breathing meditation followed by a calling to mind of a person on whom we wish happiness, health, and well-being and an absence of fear, stress, and illness. We then wish the same things for ourselves. Third, we bring to mind a person for whom we have a resentment or toward whom we carry anger. We wish for them same well-being we desire for ourselves along with a similar absence of fear stress and illness. You can find more information about loving kindness meditation at contemplativemind.org and buddhanet.net.

Buddhists have a notion called dependent origination. It suggests that people commit hurtful acts because they themselves have been hurt. When we can understand and identify with the other person’s weakness and pain, and the reasons for it, this can help us sympathize with the other person and to take the hurt they have caused less personally.

Another way of maintaining perspective is to feel and express gratitude for sources of joy and well-being in our own life. Gratitude does not annul interpersonal pain, but it cultivates humanity, humility, and benevolence toward others.

I remind myself that my anger toward the other person does him less harm than it does me and that it is for my own sake that I forgive. Why should I allow the actions of another person affect my measure of serenity and contentedness?

Finally, there is something to be said for a change of focus. I recently aired a resentment I had toward a person in the program with my sponsor. I had tried some of the advice I just passed along above but made little headway. So, I took a deep breath and laid it all out in front of him, embarrassed though I felt that I had not achieved greater spiritual stature. I then awaited his sage advice. After thinking for a moment, he said, “Ah, what the hell. Just don’t think about the guy so much. Think about something more pleasant, like giving your wife a hug when you get home tonight.” Initially, I was a bit taken aback by the, well, the simplicity of this counsel. I had expected something deeper, more complicated. I sat for a moment. A mutual friend sitting in on the conversation said, “That’s right, or think about how lovely your Christmas tree will look after you decorate it. I nodded and eventually headed for home rather bemused. But, what do you know, it worked.

Ann

Well put, PJ.

Ann

It is Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Soon the light will return and our worlds will be bright once more.

Isn't this a reflection of life in general? The natural flow of life dictates that we will all have some dark days, everyone does no matter what their status in life.

But there can be beauty in those dark days, a strangely wrapped gift, because in the darkness we can find our way to the light, we know it will follow because it always does. That too is part of the natural flow of life. We can take the lessons from the darkness and use them well in our journey to the light.

Ann

So, today's topic?

How to find the light?

Lessons learned in the darkness and how to use them constructively?

Faith, that light will come because light always does?

You choose.

PhoenixJ

need to ponder this topic a little..

LoveMeNow

Good morning!

Ah the darkness! I learned many things during my darkest days. I learned I can not change people. That was a tough one for me. I wanted to change my EXAH. I wanted him to get clean and sober and I tried every Codie trick in the book.

Finding the light seemed easier but took a long time. I am thankful for FAITH, counseling and my friends here at SR who walked before me and kept the light shining bright. I had many setbacks, many stumbles, and a few big falls but I kept baby stepping my way to the other side. I am so thankful for those who helped keep my path lit and help me out of the darkness. I am forever grateful to my friend Ann whose patience, friendship and humour helped me realize there was a light at the end of the tunnel and I was strong enough to find it. I was so lost and in so much pain, but as Ann shared her own journey, I found renewed hope for myself.

PhoenixJ

All I got is - light is hope.

Anew day dawns with new light...a new beginning, so much promise and nothing has had time to get stuffed up yet (he remarks with healthy cynicism)

Ann

LoveMeNow, here all along I thought it was YOU leading ME!! That's the thing about recovery, we learn from each other.

and PJ, Light IS hope. A mind bending thought that I heard a long time ago now is this...

In a room filled with light, darkness cannot exist. It can hang out at the window outside or but it cannot enter a room filled with light.

In a room filled with darkness, the tiniest candle can light up the room and drive the darkness away.

All we need is that one little candle of hope, and faith will follow and the light will take away our dark past and lead us to a brighter future.

In recovery we each share our light, so that those who have lost theirs can follow and one day find their own. I like how that works.

It is very dark outside my window right now, the full moon has not risen yet but my tree is lit, my candles are glowing and all is well in Ann's little world.

Thank you PJ and LMN for sharing your light here. The glow of recovery is bright today.