PhoenixJ

I have c-PTSD (so what's to know?)..and get an e-journal thingy ...about this.

One young lady with a terrible past wrote about how she felt now.
Worse- but that this is okay.
Because she is now in a safe place, physically- with support and no threats to her well being...so the feeling worse is a way pf deconstructing the terrible memories, putting those recalcitrant past feelings to rest and moving on.
She suggests to her (and I like this) it is like her brain has said 'ok, we are safe now, no longer in survival mode- so how about we look at some of the stuff from the past and finally start dealing with it?'.

I know, understand and do accept....still at the deconstructing those old feelings and memories stage...but I know emotions and feelings do not hurt or kill or damage..that is my choice.

LoveMeNow

I, too, had to accept my marriage had become very toxic and I had to leave it behind. I had to accept so many losses. My closest aunt died, my father died and then my only sister died....pretty much my support system.

I have had to learn and accept that life isn't always fair or easy. But in all these experiences, I have learned to like myself and accept that I will be ok!

Ann

LoveMeNow, I am so sorry for your losses. Losing loved ones at a time when we need them most, is a doubly dose of emotional pain.

Survival mode serves us well, we find that we have courage and strength and endurance that we didn't know we had, and as much as it all wears us out...we survive, we rebuild, and we go forward stronger than ever before.

LoveMeNow and PJ, you have both been through terrible times, the worst is behind you but the scars remain. So maybe let's talk about "healing" today.

Ralph Marston is one of my favourite inspirational writers, I like what he says about healing.

Heal the hurt

When you blame others for your troubles, you give them control of your life. Free yourself from your own anger, from your own resentment, and you’ll find vastly more room for serenity and abundance.

It’s bad enough if someone has wronged you in the past. Is it of any value for you to continue suffering from it?

Your best strategy is not to prolong the pain, or expand upon it. Your best strategy is to get past it as quickly as possible.

Whether or not anyone deserves your forgiveness is not the point. The point is, you deserve to forgive, to take back control of your life, so that you can live abundantly.

Your forgiveness may not even make a difference to those you forgive, if they’re even aware of it. For you, it makes all the difference in the world.

When it is you who is feeling the hurt, it is also you who can heal the hurt. Heal the hurt, and move past the pain, with forgiveness.

— Ralph Marston

Ann

Ann

Thoughts on healing? Recovery tools that help along the way?

I'd love to hear your thoughts.

PhoenixJ

Healing?
State of mind.
Humour helps- laughing at something makes it less something to be fearful, can then seem absurd
If I feel ANY pain- be it physical, mental or emotional- there is still work to do

and of course, my art

hopeful4

Ann....I am so grateful for you as well friend! And all of you.

The tools that helped me on my journey are SR of course, as you all are amazing. Therapy. Honesty. Celebrate Recovery. Meditation. Prayer. Joyce Meyer books.

I would say most importantly opening up. We isolate so much. Shame, pride, you name it and it causes it. Once you realize you need a support system that you can be honest with and open up to it all changes. Stepping out of the dark if you will.

Ann

Hopeful, I remember, when I first began attending my CoDA meetings, thinking "FINALLY, people who understand, who have some clue what I am going through." I could share safely with them, no judgement, no pressure to do anything, just suggestions and letting me know what worked for them.

They had a peace about them, these people who had been through far worse than even I had, when I listened to them share and I saw that peace, I wanted what they had. And that was the beginning of finding my way to the path of recovery.

PJ, when I first came to SR, almost 17 years ago now, some of the members here made me laugh, laugh so hard it hurt. I had not laughed in a very long time and it felt so good. There were only about 1000 members back then. I knew most of the"family and friends" people, and how they could make me laugh, at myself and my circumstance. Not in a berating way, just people who had been through bad times who got together here to heal and find hope and a better way to live.

This all led to my healing. I remember a wise lady here, who landed at SR the same day I did, telling me once that the only way to get past pain was to look it square in the eye and walk through it. Those may have been the wisest words I ever heard, because it gave me the courage to do just that and when I came through the darkness of the pain, I emerged into a new light that shines for me each day now.

How very grateful I am for those who went before me and for those who have walked this path with me, some for many years now.

Ann

Maybe today we could talk about self-care and self-esteem.

At some point in our healing from unfortunate relationships, we go from being victims to survivors. For me, the process began with self-care and rebuilding self-esteem.

I wasn't a failure as a mother, or as a person. I did the best I could at the time...and when I knew better, I did better.

More importantly, my self-worth was based on my own values and living them in my everyday life. As long as I was the best person I knew how to be, it didn't matter if everyone loved me or not. When I got to know "that stranger called me", what mattered was if I could love myself...and I could...and can...if I am true to my values and spirit. I didn't love every person I met, and every person who met me didn't have to approve, or love me. I learned to stand for what I believed, even if I stood alone. That part was the special gift in all this.

I got to have healthy relationships with people, give and take relationships and not relationships based on me trying to please others all the time.

Soooo, let's talk about this today. Self-care, learning to love ourselves. The turn in our lives from "victim" to "survivor"...or anything about how this all works in your recovery.

hopeful4

Oh boy. Self care is a biggie for me right now. Only because I did not take care of myself for so long.

Obviously, the healing things carry over to self care. Celebrate Recovery got me to see that I had my own needs/issues/codependency to take care of. Then things continued and I put ALL of my focus on my kids. On making sure that they were ok, and taken care of. And I got so caught up in that that I completely ignored myself and my needs. I was living under a huge amount of stress and in constant fight or flight mode.

This year really is when I have been addressing this. I have become much more relaxed and grounded in myself as a person. Through a lot of therapy and with my kids getting older, I have been able to focus on me. I go out with friends and have fun. I just did so last night. My daughter wanted me to come home but she was fine, so I spent a couple hours doing something for me.

I go to a new person to cut my hair. This sounds minimal but it's not a haircut...it's an experience. Heated towels, head massage, the works. It's amazing. I am involved in things at my church and with friends so that I can pay it forward, which I have realized is really big in your own well being. I am a type person who thrives on helping others, and when I do so, I feel better about life in general. And...I meet amazing people.

I have done some nice things to my house and am proud of it. Some bigger when I can afford it, but some just small things. This makes me feel good in my space and love being there. It's my happy place. With that comes my animals. I have cats and dogs. I love them all even when they are naughty LOL. Who cannot come home to that and just fall in love with them?!

I have formed an identity outside of my XAH and my children. I have found ME, and that feels really good. We were together for so long, 20+ years, that it was hard to see outside of that. Especially since we share children. More importantly, I like me. And I don't so much care if other people don't.

Lastly, I recently got a tattoo that symbolizes some things to me that are important. I love it. I did not tell anyone, I just went and did it. I did not need anyone else's opinion or help to pick it out. I got what I wanted and was confident in myself to do so. Sounds small, but to me it's big.

Again I find myself rambling LOL! These topics really make me think and look at the big picture. Thank you for allowing me to share, and for sharing about yourselves. The friendships here are invaluable in my life.

PhoenixJ

Self care I get, a barometer of my status quo. So a routine- dishes, shopping, making the bed, cleaning floors etc. If any of these fall by the way, it usually means I am getting depressed. This can lead to isolation- and that is dangerous to relapse.

Even more basic is HALTS. Rest, eat , hydrate- these make such a fundamental diff to my state of mind. Because of my burns and the lack of nerves where I fried- pain mainfests itself in fatigue. Put emotional tiredness with this and maintaining physical health becomes a priority. Back to HALTS.


Daily injection of effort in my recovery- here, meetings (2 a week now- used to be daily, but understanding that in life- with all things balance is essential, so doing - MAKING myself do stuff outside my comfort zone is essential for growth and recovery), journal, health professionals.


Burns- again a barometer- not only pain, but itching, moisturising, hysio exercises, and woiund healing- I have to be very careful, as the biopolymer skin sites heal very slowly. Thus high protein- again it comes down to balance.

Depression- again balance...I see my health, my life in a holistic way. Music and driving is a good 'out'.

I am not a victim now- am a survivor. Otherwise it goes back to recovery, growth- preventing relapse.

If I drink, I die...if ANY part of self care is neglected- relapse is a threat.


Self love?


no


Too much conditioning- BUT I no longer loathe myself or think my existence is an offence to the universe. I still feel as if I am not 'good ' enough, despite logic presenting evidence to the contrary- unlearning is a hard one.
Humaning is the way to go with this- not isolating, a long way to go.

Ann

PJ, you have made remarkable progress in your life, you actually have an interesting, stimulating, creative active life today...and that is huge. Your self-care is as much physical and emotional and you take care of both...more "huge". The self-love will come, until then we will love you enough to keep the light shining.

Hopeful, you make a good point about how, sometimes, we can just transfer our over-caring from one situation to another, yet when children are involved, especially young children, I think the extra care is as much nurturing and being a good mom. It is care directed properly, to that which is yours to care for.

I notice both you and PJ have being active as an important part of your recovery, and today so do I. Before and early in my recovery, I tended to isolate to the point of becoming almost agoraphobic. I felt safe in my house and did not want to venture into the world outside. I had to begin with baby steps, making myself walk around the block and actually speak to my neighbours. Or to walk to the stores not far from my home and go inside and talk to people in the store. It became easier with time.

Perhaps all that is why, today, I clearly recognize the difference between isolation and solitude. Today my alone time is peaceful and productive in its own way, and it is part of my self-care. Using the quietude to meditate or listen to classical music and read, it about taking care of me. So is going out and socializing, today I have boundaries that protect me...I won't be anywhere people are drunk or heading that way. And I have an escape plan in place, so I can leave whenever I want to. I go to weddings, attend the dinners and listen to the toasts. Then I remain for maybe an hour and head out as the party gets going. I have never regretted leaving when I am comfortable to do so.

I need to ponder on this some more. Dinner calls...or begs to be made. and eating is part of my self-care too.

PhoenixJ

AGREED! Solitute I get with my loooo(ooo)ng drives- a time to think and reflect. Isolation is , I think where one does not have control over not being able to go out (part of it anyway).
That is half the reason I have accepted a relie's invite to their extended family Xmas do- to MAKE myself be with 'humans'. They are no (if at all0 drinkers.
ALSO- my home is a safe haven- but for the first, I had a friend over yesterday for 2 hours. That is a definite change.

As for activity- everything I do is in the spirit of recovery. Doing nothing is something I hate. Mind- doing nothing as a doing something activity is one I need to work on.

Today - going to be 100F, so a good time to try and do this.

Ann

We have talked about taking action in our recovery, on this thread, and perhaps I put the cart before the horse. Before we take action...we need to be "willing" to do something, anything to begin that process called recovery and change.

I like what Meloday Beattie says. I am bringing a lot of her stuff here because she says it so well, and I know that for me, in early recovery, I hung on every word that woman wrote.


“How do I change?” a woman asked her friend.

“HOW,” the friend replied.

“Yes, that’s what I’m asking. How do I change?”

“I told you,” her friend said. “HOW is how you change. Honesty. Openness. Willingness to try.”

HOW isn’t new. It’s not groundbreaking. But sometimes the best road to take is ground that’s been trod.

A friend called one day when I was struggling to take an action in my life that just wasn’t coming together. “Are you willing to try?” she asked.

“Right now I’m working on wanting to want to,” I said. “That’s the best I can do.”

Inventory Focus: Are you willing to take actions, small baby steps, even when those steps feel awkward and uncomfortable? If you’re not willing to take action to change, are you at least willing to become willing? That’s an action too. Willingness is a prerequisite to receive the power to act.

From the desk of Melody Beattie

Ann

This poked me in the ribs. One of the hardest things in recovery was doing the "do" things...when I really didn't feel like it. As it happened, those were usually the times I needed to do them most.

Tuesday night was my home group of CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) meeting. This was my lifeline, I found my sponsor at this meeting, a she-devil with a heart of gold who literally saved me from myself. I worked full time in my accounting practice and when I was done I would go help my husband in his two businesses. I was often very tired at the end of the day and once home, I didn't feel like going out again...but I did. Every single time I made myself go to a meeting, I was glad in the end that I had gone. I heard something I needed to hear, I shared something that surprised even me. And I knew that my adjusting my Tuesday work routine just a little, there would always be time for my meetings and I would not be exhausted when I arrived.

Willingness...I had needed to find the willingness to go. And then, I had needed to find the willingness to choose a sponsor and start working those 12 little steps that became a foundation of my recovery. I used them to change and I use them today to keep my life safe and serene.

Willingness can be fleeting, often we are too busy or tired or feel too hopeless to even try. Yeah, well we always seemed to find the energy to try to run other people's lives...I know I did. I always found the energy to feed my own codependency so why not use that energy to save myself from it?

Willingness? To save my soul and my life? Yes, I think I could make room for willingness in my life, then and today both.

So.... let's talk of willingness. How to find it, how to make it work, how to hang on to it long enough to put it into action?

hopeful4

Yes, yes, yes! Ann, I have felt the same way so many times. I still find myself doing things, but I still have to come to a place that I give myself a push. I don't always want to, but every single time I do, I feel better for it.

I went to Celebrate Recovery for years. I became a leader there. Amazing experience. However, it was on the weekend, and sometimes I just did not feel like leaving my house and going. However, there has never been even one time I regretted it. I ALWAYS came out feeling better for it.

Same with the things I am involved with now. I am heavily involved at church and my child's school. I sit on several boards. They take up time. I don't always want to go. I have to go tonight as a matter of fact. However.....I know it will be good. I choose to put my time in things that are rewarding for me, so I know it will be good. If it's not rewarding, I simply say no. That in and of itself was something for me in that I am a codependent. I had to learn that it's ok to put me first and say no. I have become so much better at that.

I hope I have modeled enough of both that in my children's lives they will be both willing....and unwilling. Willing to do the things that they find rewarding and strong enough to recognize they don't have to do everything everyone wants of them to please others. It's a delicate balance that has taken me a long time to find.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day today. I am going to go to my board meeting with a much better feeling tonight because of this post!!!

Ann

Your children are double blessed...blessed to have you for a mom and blessed to be able to learn by your example.

You are the person you are today because of the willingness to to the things you needed to do to get there.

And yes, learning to say "no" is big, especially for us codependents.

Also, I learned that sometimes "doing nothing is an action". When I cannot decide what the right thing to do is, choosing to take pause and do nothing and giving it time, has never failed. me. Also, when I am tempted to jump in and solve someone else's problems...that are not mine to solve...doing nothing may just take all my energy but it's the right thing to do.

Good luck tonight, Hopeful.

hopeful4

Thank you!

It has been so very hard because my oldest daughter is now making choices for herself. Some good, some not. I have had to learn that I can listen, advise when she wants that of me, and other times sit back and just let her make her own choices. Mostly they are good ones and I see her strength. However, she is still very young, and sometimes makes choices accordingly. I am not her rescuer...and she knows that.

It's been a journey. It's been hard, and some days it still is. It's been rewarding. Mostly, I can see a measured difference in myself as a person, and that feeling is a good one!

Thank you for your kind words Ann. As a parent you are questioning yourself all the time, talking (or writing) this all out helps me in my own choices when I feel weak.

PhoenixJ

hope is a wonderful thing

Ann

Since this was designed to be a Holiday thread, let's talk about gifts...gifts we can give ourselves. Gifts that don't cost anything, but that are invaluable to our recovery.

I'll start but hope others will join in. We're a small group here but I see a lot of "viewing" so hope you will come out of the shadows and join us too.

Find outdoor celebrations and make a decision to join in. Our little city has a Night of Carols, choirs made up of local school children will be there and an adult choir of citizens that just like to sing and who get together for occasions such as this. There will be song sheets for everyone. It will be outdoors in a city park, with a tree and hot chocolate and rumour has it that Santa may show up with some treats for the little ones. I can go...and share the joy and fun. Or I can stay home...my choice. Making myself go, even if I don't feel like it, is a gift I can give myself. If my husband doesn't want to go, I may invite one (or more) of my neighbours who would love to go if they just had a ride.

Or...another gift...

I can find a local charity that is doing something special for Christmas and offer to help. The Salvation Army delivers baskets, the Food Banks are very busy this time of year, the "out of the cold" programs provide soup and coffee and can always use volunteers. The gift is in the giving.

Or...

I can plan a nature walk in a park, or along the river here, or go see the little zoo that is decorated for Christmas and just walk and let nature show me the beauty.

I haven't thought of any "in house" things yet...please offer your ideas.