Our Holiday Happy Thread About Hope Not Dope.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Today, I am so grateful for dental insurance. After a long and draining day, I had to sit in the dental chair for far too long.
Oh, that reminds me, I am very grateful for having teeth.
I am off to have some soup, see you all tomorrow!
Oh, that reminds me, I am very grateful for having teeth.
I am off to have some soup, see you all tomorrow!
It ties in with my motto: FIND THE GOOD AND PRAISE IT. 
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,672
Today's lesson - is on not judging.
I was very good at judging the first year sober- mainly a safety mechanism..if someone drinks- they are a danger to my recovery, thus avoid..BAD!
Now I make decisions based on people's behavior. I have a friend from the recovery program, she does try very hard- but inevitably turns back to booze to cope. Thing is she is still able to hold down a job, pay the rent and most days keep it together. When she cannot keep it together- she rings me, usually in tears. She then downloads feels better, compliments my qualities and is then silent until the next minor breakdown.
We were meant to catch up today- she was going to visit my new abode, then lunch- but she cancelled because she was meeting some one else- I imagine for drinkies.
I thought she would cancel- a recurring theme with her.
On reflection- it does not cost me anything to listen, have a coffee and understand. Hell- I was 52 before I got sober. If it helps her just to cope a little, and she respects my boundary about respecting my need not to be around booze- then I will help. I do like her and when she is sober- is funny and good value. So I am not being a martyr - but not judging and keeping myself safe.
I spent a very constructive day planting about 15 very root bound plants in the front garden.
I was very good at judging the first year sober- mainly a safety mechanism..if someone drinks- they are a danger to my recovery, thus avoid..BAD!
Now I make decisions based on people's behavior. I have a friend from the recovery program, she does try very hard- but inevitably turns back to booze to cope. Thing is she is still able to hold down a job, pay the rent and most days keep it together. When she cannot keep it together- she rings me, usually in tears. She then downloads feels better, compliments my qualities and is then silent until the next minor breakdown.
We were meant to catch up today- she was going to visit my new abode, then lunch- but she cancelled because she was meeting some one else- I imagine for drinkies.
I thought she would cancel- a recurring theme with her.
On reflection- it does not cost me anything to listen, have a coffee and understand. Hell- I was 52 before I got sober. If it helps her just to cope a little, and she respects my boundary about respecting my need not to be around booze- then I will help. I do like her and when she is sober- is funny and good value. So I am not being a martyr - but not judging and keeping myself safe.
I spent a very constructive day planting about 15 very root bound plants in the front garden.
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I envy you Australians your endless summers, PJ. Your post is an excellent example of not having expectations, or at least not letting them get in our way. Your lunch plan went awry, so instead of lingering in disappointment...you planted your garden.
That would be a good topic for today, "handling expectations".
One of my favourite Melody Beattie quotes is (I hope I have it right)...
"Nothing is more frustrating than expecting something from someone who has nothing to give."
Waiting for apologies from those who really need to apologize to themselves, is futile. Expecting active addicts to answer the question "Why?" is asking something even they don't have the answer to.
I used to live north of where I live now, ski country, where the snowfall each year was three times what it is other places not much south of there. Their winter mantra was always "weather permitting". When planning to visit my brother, an hour away, it was always "I'll see you Saturday, weather permitting". Or even simple things like grocery shopping..."We'll go tomorrow, weather permitting".
In the south I believe there is a saying something like that, that goes "God willing and the creek don't rise".
Both of these are a good way to keep expectations in check. Not a cop out, just a way of letting go of the expectation that life (and people) WILL always go EXACTLY as we plan.
There came a time, in my son's active addiction life, when rather than nag him every time we met, rather than crying or begging or insisting that he seek immediate recovery and why wasn't he going to meetings anymore, anyway....I could just meet for a coffee or lunch and talk to each other like friends. Sure, the elephant in the room was nearby, but no longer invited to pull up a chair at our table. We both left our expectations at the door and managed to have some quality time together, however brief and unusual.
That would be a good topic for today, "handling expectations".
One of my favourite Melody Beattie quotes is (I hope I have it right)...
"Nothing is more frustrating than expecting something from someone who has nothing to give."
Waiting for apologies from those who really need to apologize to themselves, is futile. Expecting active addicts to answer the question "Why?" is asking something even they don't have the answer to.
I used to live north of where I live now, ski country, where the snowfall each year was three times what it is other places not much south of there. Their winter mantra was always "weather permitting". When planning to visit my brother, an hour away, it was always "I'll see you Saturday, weather permitting". Or even simple things like grocery shopping..."We'll go tomorrow, weather permitting".
In the south I believe there is a saying something like that, that goes "God willing and the creek don't rise".
Both of these are a good way to keep expectations in check. Not a cop out, just a way of letting go of the expectation that life (and people) WILL always go EXACTLY as we plan.
There came a time, in my son's active addiction life, when rather than nag him every time we met, rather than crying or begging or insisting that he seek immediate recovery and why wasn't he going to meetings anymore, anyway....I could just meet for a coffee or lunch and talk to each other like friends. Sure, the elephant in the room was nearby, but no longer invited to pull up a chair at our table. We both left our expectations at the door and managed to have some quality time together, however brief and unusual.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I have a young adult daughter who is living w/me during her college years, or at least the beginning. This is the first semester for her. We do counseling together. It's interesting to me that today's topic is handling expectations.
I am having a hard time with my expectations about how she will act as an adult. In other words, sometimes I realize I expect her to...be me LOL. I am having to change my view of her as my child to my child as a young adult. It's really hard. She is still young, so immature in some ways. A great person, wonderful goals, but can sometimes act crappy or in a way I deem that I would act differently.
Today...and this week after counseling, I have been tasked with challenging myself to just tell her when I think we need space from each other, and staying calm about that, instead of reacting. It's very hard, but it's working.
I am seeing that just because someone does not act how I expect them to does not mean they are wrong, it just means we see things differently. Ultimately, I am so lucky to have a bright and wonderful daughter (two actually, this is just the one I am struggling with right now), and have to keep my focus on that.
Thank you for letting me ramble, and thank you for this topic. It fits right into my life right now.
I am having a hard time with my expectations about how she will act as an adult. In other words, sometimes I realize I expect her to...be me LOL. I am having to change my view of her as my child to my child as a young adult. It's really hard. She is still young, so immature in some ways. A great person, wonderful goals, but can sometimes act crappy or in a way I deem that I would act differently.
Today...and this week after counseling, I have been tasked with challenging myself to just tell her when I think we need space from each other, and staying calm about that, instead of reacting. It's very hard, but it's working.
I am seeing that just because someone does not act how I expect them to does not mean they are wrong, it just means we see things differently. Ultimately, I am so lucky to have a bright and wonderful daughter (two actually, this is just the one I am struggling with right now), and have to keep my focus on that.
Thank you for letting me ramble, and thank you for this topic. It fits right into my life right now.
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Oh I feel your dilemma, Hopeful. Thinking of her as your grown daughter rather than grown child, may be helpful too...or not...I know nothing of daughters. 
Giving each other space is such a wise thing to do, and acknowledging not only that you are two different people but that you are two different people a generation apart, is huge.
There is bound to be some friction, but what a great time to learn that it's what you DO with the friction that counts.
Her expectations of you may be shaken, because you may not be the same person you have always been...if that makes sense. And your expectations of your daughter may be shaken because she is in a growing stage of her life, from adolescence to adulthood and is uncharted waters for her. The dynamics of your relationship with her has changed from when she was a small child.
Please keep us posted, I think we can all learn from you and how this all unfolds. I suspect (not expect) the wisdom of the mother will soon befall the daughter too.
Thank you for contributing so much to this thread.
Giving each other space is such a wise thing to do, and acknowledging not only that you are two different people but that you are two different people a generation apart, is huge.
There is bound to be some friction, but what a great time to learn that it's what you DO with the friction that counts.
Her expectations of you may be shaken, because you may not be the same person you have always been...if that makes sense. And your expectations of your daughter may be shaken because she is in a growing stage of her life, from adolescence to adulthood and is uncharted waters for her. The dynamics of your relationship with her has changed from when she was a small child.
Please keep us posted, I think we can all learn from you and how this all unfolds. I suspect (not expect) the wisdom of the mother will soon befall the daughter too.
Thank you for contributing so much to this thread.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,672
A good subject Ann- expectations.
Hmmm
'specially with Christmas. It was a huge deal for my foo and my ex's. Weeks of build up with planning and preparing food mainly. Midnight church- open presents (kids only) , food....sharing...or in my case- get pissed slowly.
The first Xmas post burns- I drank myself into a stupor.
The second- I was grimly aware of my alone-ness and ran an AA meeting Xmas day for all the other alone-ness people.
Third year- made some effort to invent a new Xmas 'tradition' for me- but it don't work that way.
This year I have no expectations and do not so acutely feel the alone bit. I expect nothing of it this year- which is a step up from being miserable.
Not having expectations means, to me- having a higher understanding of the why's of life, accepting them (which I do quite well now) and the biggie- which I am working to- but have not yet reached- letting go.
Hmmm
'specially with Christmas. It was a huge deal for my foo and my ex's. Weeks of build up with planning and preparing food mainly. Midnight church- open presents (kids only) , food....sharing...or in my case- get pissed slowly.
The first Xmas post burns- I drank myself into a stupor.
The second- I was grimly aware of my alone-ness and ran an AA meeting Xmas day for all the other alone-ness people.
Third year- made some effort to invent a new Xmas 'tradition' for me- but it don't work that way.
This year I have no expectations and do not so acutely feel the alone bit. I expect nothing of it this year- which is a step up from being miserable.
Not having expectations means, to me- having a higher understanding of the why's of life, accepting them (which I do quite well now) and the biggie- which I am working to- but have not yet reached- letting go.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Ann, it's interesting that you say this because I am pretty sure she is reacting that I have changed a lot. I put so much focus on my children for so long, that they are not usto me having a life of my own. Not that they don't want me to do things, but more so that they have to adapt to me changing at the same time they are changing, especially my older daughter that I put in my post.
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hopeful, and won't she be surprised (and delighted) when she see's that you are a woman who reclaimed her life and is living it well. What a great example that sets for her.
PJ, the first few years my son was missing, I just tolerated Christmas. That was not only no fun, it made me even more miserable because it was "the holidays" donchaknow, and others were embracing the joy and peace of the season. I could not get in the groove or even fake it.
So I made new traditions, I volunteered with the Salvation Army to give out food baskets and my husband and I spent a day driving all over to make sure the baskets got to the right people. And we donated huge turkeys to two rehabs that had helped my son in the past. They didn't fail him, he just didn't embrace what he learned there hard enough to hang on to it.
When we moved north, I volunteered at a Women's Shelter, mostly helping with fundraising, but also going Saturdays to entertain the children while the mothers were in counseling. It was there that I became "the world's oldest elf", when I wore my awful green elf costume, complete with tights, and helped Santa give out his gifts.
All these things helped ME to feel better. I became grateful for all that I had and how peaceful my life had become. I felt good helping others, others who really needed help and not just others who required enabling...I learned the difference during that time.
There are many ways to start new traditions. It can be just joining a support group that celebrates quietly. It can be going to church and listening to a children's choir sing or watch the pageant's.
Maybe others have suggestions here, I'd love to hear them. What can we do to raise our spirits and embrace the joy of Christmas...no matter how much we really don't want to?
PJ, the first few years my son was missing, I just tolerated Christmas. That was not only no fun, it made me even more miserable because it was "the holidays" donchaknow, and others were embracing the joy and peace of the season. I could not get in the groove or even fake it.
So I made new traditions, I volunteered with the Salvation Army to give out food baskets and my husband and I spent a day driving all over to make sure the baskets got to the right people. And we donated huge turkeys to two rehabs that had helped my son in the past. They didn't fail him, he just didn't embrace what he learned there hard enough to hang on to it.
When we moved north, I volunteered at a Women's Shelter, mostly helping with fundraising, but also going Saturdays to entertain the children while the mothers were in counseling. It was there that I became "the world's oldest elf", when I wore my awful green elf costume, complete with tights, and helped Santa give out his gifts.
All these things helped ME to feel better. I became grateful for all that I had and how peaceful my life had become. I felt good helping others, others who really needed help and not just others who required enabling...I learned the difference during that time.
There are many ways to start new traditions. It can be just joining a support group that celebrates quietly. It can be going to church and listening to a children's choir sing or watch the pageant's.
Maybe others have suggestions here, I'd love to hear them. What can we do to raise our spirits and embrace the joy of Christmas...no matter how much we really don't want to?
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I thought, today, that maybe we could think about the little things we can do to make the holidays more cheerful. No matter how dark our world is right now, sometimes just stepping out into the light for even a short time each day, will bring a better feeling of well-being.
I will list a few things, in the hopes that others will contribute too. Please do, this thread is for everyone.
How to Find Happiness During the Holidays..Even When You Don't Feel Like it.
If you have children, they too will benefit from all this...and the cost to do these things is minimal or nothing at all.
You can adapt these outings to suit your religion or beliefs, or just join in as all are welcome.
Take a walk in early evening, and look at Christmas lights. Most towns and cities have at least one area where their tree and lights are glowing.
Plan to attend a candlelight service at a local church. You don't have to be a regular, all are welcome. Often a children's choir will sing or perform a pageant of the nativity.
Go skating on a city rink, usually they are well lit and safe, and often offer coffee or hot chocolate to warm you. If you don't have skates, check out repair shops for used skates, you can often get a very good pair for not much money, and they will have been already sharpened for you.
Visit a library and pick up books about something that interests you...travel, history, novels, poetry, children's books...there is something for everyone.
Walk..in a park or nature area near you, or just around the local streets grabbing some sunshine (if you can find it) and fresh air.
Well, that's a start. How about you? Please offer more ideas.
I will list a few things, in the hopes that others will contribute too. Please do, this thread is for everyone.
How to Find Happiness During the Holidays..Even When You Don't Feel Like it. If you have children, they too will benefit from all this...and the cost to do these things is minimal or nothing at all.
You can adapt these outings to suit your religion or beliefs, or just join in as all are welcome.
Take a walk in early evening, and look at Christmas lights. Most towns and cities have at least one area where their tree and lights are glowing.
Plan to attend a candlelight service at a local church. You don't have to be a regular, all are welcome. Often a children's choir will sing or perform a pageant of the nativity.
Go skating on a city rink, usually they are well lit and safe, and often offer coffee or hot chocolate to warm you. If you don't have skates, check out repair shops for used skates, you can often get a very good pair for not much money, and they will have been already sharpened for you.
Visit a library and pick up books about something that interests you...travel, history, novels, poetry, children's books...there is something for everyone.
Walk..in a park or nature area near you, or just around the local streets grabbing some sunshine (if you can find it) and fresh air.
Well, that's a start. How about you? Please offer more ideas.
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
More fun things to do...even if you don't feel like it...
Bake something, I forgot to add bake something because...well, because I am famous for my lack of baking skills.
But I can bake biscuits!!! Dang it, I WILL bake something,
maybe my mama's sugar cookies, how hard could they be?
url image upload
Bake something, I forgot to add bake something because...well, because I am famous for my lack of baking skills.
But I can bake biscuits!!! Dang it, I WILL bake something,
maybe my mama's sugar cookies, how hard could they be?
url image upload Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I love going for rides through the mountains, hoping to see a variety of wildlife. (And I usually do and I get so excited, lol)
I also love to light a lot candles. Sometimes, I take a long bubble bath with candles. I use all my "fancy" scrubs and creams. Pampering myself feels so good and relaxing. Also, I love a good nap too!
I have friends I can spend holidays with but last year I just enjoyed being alone. It was a well needed day off, some well needed rest and/or a chance to catch up on my list of things to do!
I have spent many, many busy and chaotic holidays. I have had my share of shopping, wrapping, decorating, cooking, etc. Right now in my life, I am enjoying the tranquility. I am very content with having a relaxing day and remembering the reason for the season!
I also love to light a lot candles. Sometimes, I take a long bubble bath with candles. I use all my "fancy" scrubs and creams. Pampering myself feels so good and relaxing. Also, I love a good nap too!
I have friends I can spend holidays with but last year I just enjoyed being alone. It was a well needed day off, some well needed rest and/or a chance to catch up on my list of things to do!
I have spent many, many busy and chaotic holidays. I have had my share of shopping, wrapping, decorating, cooking, etc. Right now in my life, I am enjoying the tranquility. I am very content with having a relaxing day and remembering the reason for the season!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,672
Another meditative drive to parts hitherto not driven. I have found myself changing lately, with reflections of the past. Once I would have told myself I was ruminating and attempted to repress such memories. Or that I was obsessing and this also is unhealthy. BUT no- I think (I decided on my drive today) this is sober, still healing brain's way of deconstructing the past- looking at it with safe, in the moment eyes- and then putting them into a new context- namely they are from the past, and that is where they remain...they are just that memories. Another step towards letting go from understanding and acceptance.
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
LMN and PJ, I love your healing thoughts and ways of doing what works for you, not necessarily what tradition dictates.
I am on the run this morning, but will be back this afternoon to ponder and to think on a topic for today.
I know...LoveMeNow inspired this and PJ has put it into action...what about "self-care". Finding something that pampers our spirit, be it nature, a good read, a drive in the mountains/country/shore?
Who has suggestions or experience to share on what they do to give themselves the care they need?
Love you all, back later to ponder.
I am on the run this morning, but will be back this afternoon to ponder and to think on a topic for today.
I know...LoveMeNow inspired this and PJ has put it into action...what about "self-care". Finding something that pampers our spirit, be it nature, a good read, a drive in the mountains/country/shore?
Who has suggestions or experience to share on what they do to give themselves the care they need?
Love you all, back later to ponder.
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow 
I have spent many, many busy and chaotic holidays. I have had my share of shopping, wrapping, decorating, cooking, etc. Right now in my life, I am enjoying the tranquility. I am very content with having a relaxing day and remembering the reason for the season!
PJ, acceptance sounds so easy, just accept things as they are...well it was a huge task for me, how could I "accept" that my life and world were falling apart?
Well, acceptance was both the question and the answer. My world was only falling apart because it wasn't doing what I wanted it to do. The thing is, running the world, even my little world called family, wasn't mine to run. My son was a grown adult, quite capable of making his own choices and decisions...however good or bad.
I discovered that "acceptance" didn't mean approval, but instead it was my heart and mind agreeing that life was what it was and it was time for me to let go of trying to control anyone else but me. "I" was the only one who could change...and I had never looked at it that way before.
Today I find it much easier to let go of the struggle and accept what life hands me. It doesn't mean that I am complacent and don't bother to try to make things better...it means that I make things better my adjusting my attitude and learning to take what is and make the best of it. And it also means dumping anything in my life that is bringing me down, cleaning house so to speak.
I'd love to hear how others see acceptance. How they approach it and how it affects their lives today. Any thoughts?
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I think I have wrestled with acceptance for the past 20 or so years. I wrestled with accepting that my marriage to an addict was falling apart. Accepting that I had to face that. Accepting that my kids were struggling, and that I had a part in that too. Facing my own faults and things about myself that I don't like. At some point, I began to put the focus on me. Accepting other people for who they are, and myself for who I want to be. To have my actions always follow my words. To accept that my life is not perfect, but that there are so many great things, and that it's totally OK for me to be a work in progress.
It's been a long road. At first it was a lonely one because I thought I had to do it all by myself. Then I realized if I would reach out to others and build up my support system, that people will accept you for who you are too. That they don't expect perfection, and I cannot expect that of anyone else either. Who I am today is just fine.
Today I just strive for peace and happiness. I also realize that I have to work on creating that for myself, find my own happy. With that comes a lot of acceptance. I don't have to control everything around me. I accept that, and that took a very long time. Like Ann said, I was unhappy because I could not control all that was happening. I am now absolutely fine with saying I cannot control anyone else's actions, only my own reactions....and working on that.
Boy...I feel like I am a rambling mess today LOL! Sorry for that. I like this topic as it's something that did not come easy to me, so it's nice to see the progress I have made, even though I still have a ways to go!
It's been a long road. At first it was a lonely one because I thought I had to do it all by myself. Then I realized if I would reach out to others and build up my support system, that people will accept you for who you are too. That they don't expect perfection, and I cannot expect that of anyone else either. Who I am today is just fine.
Today I just strive for peace and happiness. I also realize that I have to work on creating that for myself, find my own happy. With that comes a lot of acceptance. I don't have to control everything around me. I accept that, and that took a very long time. Like Ann said, I was unhappy because I could not control all that was happening. I am now absolutely fine with saying I cannot control anyone else's actions, only my own reactions....and working on that.
Boy...I feel like I am a rambling mess today LOL! Sorry for that. I like this topic as it's something that did not come easy to me, so it's nice to see the progress I have made, even though I still have a ways to go!
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hopeful, there is nothing rambling about that at all. It's all a process and you explain it well. We don't change overnight...first we find the will to change and then we begin the work. It's worth every effort and you are a lovely example of someone who came through the dark days and struggles and found your own new path of light.
I am grateful to be walking with you on this path.
Who you are today is an inspiration to each one of us. Thank you for sharing your light. 
I am grateful to be walking with you on this path.
Who I am today is just fine.
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