CanadianRose

His dumbass came home because he was coming down from his high. I expressed myself to his ghostly spectre and he stood there for it, apologized (whatever), said he really is going to rehab, and moped off into the shop. I wasn't terribly kind, but I also don't really care. I then went and hung out with my daughter and had some good talk with her, dyed my hair, and I'm much better now. Hopefully he'll stay out there all night and I won't have to deal with him until tomorrow.

Sodevastated

I'm so sorry Deelilah. You are entitled to have all those feelings. You had a horrible weekend and your AH behaves irresponsibly and very self-centered. Like the others said- vent, just get it all out. You are doing a great job taking care of your kids and home in this total madness. Take care of you as well, as much as possible. I hope your AH will leave for rehab, at least to give you and the kids some serenity and a normal home to come to. You sound like a very independent and intelligent woman and I'm amazed and proud of you being so strong and clear-sighted in all the insanity. Keep on posting.

My heart goes out to you.
Hugs.

CanadianRose

I could definitely stand to clean my home, lol. I didn't exactly keep it all together last night. Wound up crying around my daughter. So much for "everything's cool". I appreciate you saying all that. I'm trying, but I don't know that it's possible to live in this and not be a mess. I guess he used my rant as an excuse to go back out and get more crack all night long. Until 1:30am at least. Now he's all self-pitying "I understand you don't like me much anymore" and "Does it bother you that I'm here?". Ugh. Grow up, man. He's like a child. All the adult in him is just gone. I swear, I think he wants me to kick him out right now. I think he really does. I want him to get on that plane this evening. Whatever is or isn't ever there between us, his daughter is going to need him to be a grown-up. I don't know what the odds of that happening are, but damn it. Me being an adult doesn't fix her problems. He's the only one who can really do anything about that situation, and he's broken right now.

AnvilheadII

and what if he doesn't get on the plane? smoking crack on the property out in the shop is not sustainable - that could come back against you. have you considered calling the cops? i know that seems drastic and man would that be a buzzkill for him. but he is beyond caring or capable of making any type of clear headed decision. and, IMHO, he really shouldn't even be allowed in the home.........this is going from bad to worse quite quickly. i appreciate you want him to get his act together for his daughter, at the very least, but something seems to have come unhinged in him..........

Ariesagain

Sending you a hug.

You ARE being strong...but you're human. Your daughter needs honesty more than anything. She needs to know that this is all him and she didn't cause any of it. She needs to know you are putting her first.

Life frequently sucks. Watching you handling that reality head-on is the best lesson you can give her, yes?

Be kind to yourself, best you can.

CanadianRose

So far all indicators are that he's getting on the plane. We leave here in about 2 1/2 hours for the airport. Hmmm...coming from someone who has been there on both sides, you're making me think. I guess he's my only real world up-close sample of a crack addict, so I assumed this is just what happens, but it has seemed to me that he's losing himself really quickly too. Every time he uses, less of him comes back. It seems to be significantly less.

I honestly didn't know what to do last night when he had gone back out to get more and was smoking it in the shop...again. The cops crossed my mind, but rehab today kind of make me say "whatever...less than 24 hours and I won't have to deal with this kind of decision for at least 30 days".

CanadianRose

Maybe at the very least my kids are seeing the destruction of a person that drugs can cause. Maybe it will make them less likely to pick anything dangerous up. Yeah, maybe it does help her to see me dealing with the reality of it. She loves him and feels badly that he's suffering, but she totally understands that all of this is his fault. I hugged her and told her I was sorry that she was having to deal with this situation and she told me "It's not your fault, Mom! This is his fault.". I'm kind of glad my step-niece told them right up front. I didn't have to decide whether or not to be 100% honest with them. That decision was made for me and I just rolled with it.

Ariesagain

Kids always know. The damage comes when they see truth and are told a lie, because then they have no one they can trust.

Sending you a hug.

AnvilheadII

ok, fingers crossed for you for the next couple hours.

CanadianRose

Me too. Ugh. I need this part to be OVER.

Ariesagain

You might want to move that ETD up an hour?

Delaying until its too late to make the flight would be a pretty obvious tactic, yes?

CanadianRose

Maybe so. We should get there 2 hours and 15 minutes before the flight at my leaving time. I hope that's early enough?

Ariesagain

Have you seen him vertical yet?

CanadianRose

Yeah, he's up. Says he can sleep on the plane. Grumpy, super irritable, but vertical.

Ariesagain

Sounds good so far...

Sending you a hug.

CanadianRose

I need it, lol.

incomprehesible

I've been following your thread and have been thinking about you all day. I take it he's on the plane?
Many, many hugs and so much love

Jaeger

Thinking about you, Deelilah! I know you are ready for some peace and quiet.

Sodevastated

It's ok that you can't keep it together. Who would be able to do that in this kind of insanity?Just let eveything out, tears, anger... Don't repress your feelings. I really really hope he's on that plane /and that you'll have some peace and quiet and time to digest everything.

Thinking of and praying for you❤

CanadianRose

Thank you all so much! He's in the air and approaching his destination. I'm feeling sad, relieved, etc. The kids and I had dinner with my parents and I could drive home and know that crack was not something I had to worry about tonight. I knew what was waiting for me at home. I can't even describe how incredible that felt. It felt....normal. Like how it's supposed to be. How it used to be just 2 1/2 months ago. I hope that he can embrace this opportunity. I told him to go find my husband and bring him back. I miss that guy. He texted that he misses me already and I didn't say back what I wanted to, that I had been missing him for months. It's on him to work on himself. I'm going to work on myself, but I think right now I'm just going to bask in the fact that I do not have to worry about crack for 30 days. He'll be in detox for 5 days and not have access to his phone. I think that will be really good for me.

We have some really great friends. I got a bunch of texts from his friends and mine, telling me to reach out to them if I need anything and offering emotional support. Almost made me tear up. They have seen what's happening and they're affected too. I expected that from mine, but for his friends to reach out felt really special to me.