Not as strong as I thought

Old 05-01-2017, 09:28 AM
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post
Yeah something else out of the playbook…….justification to carry on their current trajectory of using……blame the disease.

My ex was never violent and also didn’t have a history of violence but I did in fact need to get a restraining order after I left because of his threats and extreme erratic behavior.
Aha, so it's not necessarily a sign of anything that matters. Blaming the disease. I'll definitely keep your words in mind in the coming month.
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Old 05-01-2017, 09:38 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
insert seriously inappropriate snickering on my part. lordy, that is definitely QUACK worthy. and such a load of crap.

ah yes, the day after the day after. i totally felt that but hank - geez - he'd just swan dive into the cesspool of despair and crawl around the bottom with it. but then come day 3 and suddenly it's all hey, that wasn't so bad, heck i'm feeling pretty darn good actually. and then the VOICE says........well then maybe we should get a little, eh? yeah yeah we should!! and we'd be making the call, convinced it will be different THIS time. and it was different all right, just not different BETTER.........different worse.

stand firm, dear Dee. review your plan B.
Even I found that pretty funny amidst the sadness and anger, lol.

Good lord your feedback is helpful! Just understanding the cycle is huge! When he first relapsed, it looked just like that. He binged and then felt terrible and so depressed about it. Then 3 or 4 days go by and he's acting happier and he binged again, felt terrible about it. 2 to 4 more days, etc. After I first kicked him out, he abstained for a month before going at it again. Despair again, and he was pretty much fine for a week before he struggled hard again and lost to it two weeks later. Truthfully, I expect him to be depressed and thinking about recovery tonight and maybe tomorrow and then it'll start working on him again. I don't expect him to actually tackle this. I expect him to keep using and I expect me to be getting out of here within a month and a half, during which time hopefully he'll be out of here while I pack so that I can do it peacefully. It's not what I want, but it's what I expect.
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Old 05-01-2017, 06:44 PM
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here for ya, kiddo.
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Old 05-02-2017, 03:36 AM
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I appreciate it more than I can say. I suspect the coming months are gonna suck. I think he's in his addict brain deep. There's a part of him that has given up and I think that part is going to win. He isn't actively seeking help. Talks about it, but isn't acting as if it's the most important thing. He doesn't like himself, says he has lost himself. There's almost an aura of dead man walking about him. He seems unable to feel the severity of the situation. If something doesn't click in his brain soon, he's lost. He is not the same person I married. That man would be ripped to shreds over what's going on with us and wouldn't be able to stand hurting me like that. Definitely empathy-challenged. So I continue to move forward with Plan B with no expectations that anything is going to get better here.
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Old 05-02-2017, 04:57 AM
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It's good to have a plan. One day at a time, just like the addict. You don't need to pressure yourself into long term decisions about the relationship at this point. Just focus on short term goals, and getting out of the circus physically. There's more than enough time to deal with the long term issues. I'm sorry for your pain.
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Old 05-02-2017, 03:04 PM
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He called his boss this afternoon and spoke to her about a leave of absence and is now looking at rehabs online so that he can present a plan to her tomorrow.

Well. Now that's the sort of initiative that I've been looking for. I know it's far from a guarantee and is just one step towards potential recovery. I hope he follows through.
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Old 05-02-2017, 03:23 PM
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good. now, keep your eager little fingers out of it! LET him do this, just observe how far he takes it. go knit something! LOL
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Old 05-02-2017, 03:46 PM
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Okay, I'm an old cynic...you know this call happened for certain? As in you heard it happening?
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Old 05-02-2017, 06:28 PM
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I hope he follows through.
That's the important part!!!!

I witnessed my ex on the phone a number of times calling rehabs and talking to his HR department about a medical leave.

He actually even went to one for a day and half and checked himself out - his excuse..............now wait for it.......was that they were all addicts in there and he didn't want to be around addicts!!!!! wasn't good for him to try and recover!!! hahahahahaha he was high again in 2 hours.

He then went and signed up for an out patient treatment and went once a week for a week!!!

No matter what he does and hopefully he will actually go to an inpatient rehab time is what matters..............lots of time...........lots of your time witnessing recovery for a long period of time. And what becomes even more important then going to rehab is what his recovery plan looks like when he gets out.

Hoping he follows through, praying you get some relief soon.
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Old 05-02-2017, 06:38 PM
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I know it would take a ton of crystal clear, long term actions for me.
They set it up, they make the choice. They make it visable and tangible.
I heard a lot of words over the years. Actions are what I should have listened too
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Old 05-03-2017, 03:29 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
good. now, keep your eager little fingers out of it! LET him do this, just observe how far he takes it. go knit something! LOL
Hee hee, I would be the last person you'd want knitting something! I can barely sew a button on! I went so far as to show him how to navigate his insurance company website to find where you look for coverage and switched the mouse buttons from left-handed to right-handed, lol. I'm hands off otherwise. He'll do it or he won't today.
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Old 05-03-2017, 03:31 AM
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain View Post
Okay, I'm an old cynic...you know this call happened for certain? As in you heard it happening?
I heard parts of it and saw him teary-eyed after he hung up. I don't doubt he made the phone call to his boss. Beyond that, I wait and see.
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Old 05-03-2017, 03:44 AM
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post
That's the important part!!!!

I witnessed my ex on the phone a number of times calling rehabs and talking to his HR department about a medical leave.

He actually even went to one for a day and half and checked himself out - his excuse..............now wait for it.......was that they were all addicts in there and he didn't want to be around addicts!!!!! wasn't good for him to try and recover!!! hahahahahaha he was high again in 2 hours.

He then went and signed up for an out patient treatment and went once a week for a week!!!

No matter what he does and hopefully he will actually go to an inpatient rehab time is what matters..............lots of time...........lots of your time witnessing recovery for a long period of time. And what becomes even more important then going to rehab is what his recovery plan looks like when he gets out.

Hoping he follows through, praying you get some relief soon.
Yeah, I'm thinking if he winds up blowing this off, he's done for. He seemed really depressed this morning. And that's so funny about yours not wanting to be around a bunch of addicts, LOL! He said yesterday that his major problem was depression, not crack. That crack wasn't that big of a deal. I was like "uh huh". I wouldn't have been surprised if he'd looked for a depression inpatient center because he has a real problem with the idea of being a crackhead. I'm thinking that the best way to avoid being thought of as a crack addict is to not go and blow your paychecks, savings and credit cards on crack, but what do I know?

So yeah, we shall see.
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Old 05-03-2017, 03:46 AM
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Originally Posted by TiredDad View Post
I know it would take a ton of crystal clear, long term actions for me.
They set it up, they make the choice. They make it visable and tangible.
I heard a lot of words over the years. Actions are what I should have listened too
I'm learning that, yeah. I know that this is far from a guarantee that he's going to try and actually recover. It's just one little move in the right direction, assuming he actually does this. If he doesn't, he'll be high again in days and I'll be getting out.
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Old 05-03-2017, 05:21 AM
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Hi there Deelilah,

I'm a late comer in posting on your thread. However, I have read everything you and the other posters have said. Just want to say you are doing the right thing. Your AH might change or he might not, but you should look after YOU and do what is best for you. The depression thing you mentioned your AH mentions just made me laugh. I call that total BS! My now late AH used to say he was depressed and filled with anxiety, went into counseling and was prescribed antidepressants after persistently asking for it. Thing was the depression was a symptom oh him USING, which of course I didn't know because he lied big time. What he should have done and needed to do was to deal with his addiction, just that he didn't want to. It was easier to blame the depression for being the problem. Could be the same with your AH. Watch out.

Sending you hugs,
SoDev
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Old 05-03-2017, 05:33 AM
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Originally Posted by Deelilah View Post

He almost went back out last night. He is not in recovery. He's trying to abstain, which means he's going to fail. He will relapse.


So my problem is that suddenly I have become a person who checks phone records online, checks to see if his keys are in the room instead of his pockets, searches his truck to look for paraphernalia, constantly assesses his behavior, obsess about what I'll do when he uses again, etc.
It's understandable that you don't trust him. Sad because relationships must be built on trust or it seems that in time love will be lost.

M-Bob
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Old 05-03-2017, 06:13 AM
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Originally Posted by Sodevastated View Post
Hi there Deelilah,

I'm a late comer in posting on your thread. However, I have read everything you and the other posters have said. Just want to say you are doing the right thing. Your AH might change or he might not, but you should look after YOU and do what is best for you. The depression thing you mentioned your AH mentions just made me laugh. I call that total BS! My now late AH used to say he was depressed and filled with anxiety, went into counseling and was prescribed antidepressants after persistently asking for it. Thing was the depression was a symptom oh him USING, which of course I didn't know because he lied big time. What he should have done and needed to do was to deal with his addiction, just that he didn't want to. It was easier to blame the depression for being the problem. Could be the same with your AH. Watch out.

Sending you hugs,
SoDev
OMG, they're all the same person! He said last night that he originally relapsed because of depression and that crack isn't really the biggest problem. I was like "Dude, that's like drinking poison to recover from a rattlesnake bite". He's so full of depression and anxiety, and I'm saying yeah man, you're coming down off a weekend of crack binges. OF COURSE your brain is all messed up! That's kind of what happens. See, he knows this...I learned that first from him telling me how it works a while back. Denial is some serious stuff.
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Old 05-03-2017, 06:16 AM
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Originally Posted by Mountainmanbob View Post
It's understandable that you don't trust him. Sad because relationships must be built on trust or it seems that in time love will be lost.

M-Bob
I think that's the saddest thing right now. I've grown cold. I think I'm more excited about the idea of getting my own place than I am about him recovering. I wouldn't have dreamed that I'd be feeling that way now. This past weekend changed me. I actually felt it happen. One second I'm me and the next second I'm an ice cube with the Great Wall of China around my heart. The lack of trust has eroded the love fast. Either that or I've buried it for now because loving him hurts entirely too much at the moment.
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Old 05-03-2017, 06:20 AM
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I'm thinking that the best way to avoid being thought of as a crack addict is to not go and blow your paychecks, savings and credit cards on crack, but what do I know?
Hahahaha

Laughter is the best medicine!! I had to find humor in it all other wise I would have been in a padded 8 X 8 cell.
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Old 05-03-2017, 06:59 AM
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He said last night that he originally relapsed because of depression and that crack isn't really the biggest problem.

ermagad. well then if that is the case then stopping the crack shouldn't be a problem at all! easy peasy lemon squeezy!

it's probably time to stop engaging in these discussions with him. if he spouts this crap AND there's an audience, even one that doesn't agree with his, um, rationale, then it helps to validate his messed up thinking.

denial is a very powerful force.

hope you are doing ok.
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