CanadianRose

LOL, yeah, I said it must have some kind of hold on you or you wouldn't be so broke right now. You're right, I'm wasting my time listening to any of that and it probably isn't helping either of us. I'm more okay than I feel I have any right to be. I know my going cold thing is not the healthiest reaction, but I'm gonna ride it out using my unhealthiness for a while anyway. It helps.

CanadianRose

He's having a hard time finding somewhere that will take him, he says. Getting frustrated and I think he's giving up. Well, that tells me what I need to know, doesn't it?

atalose

To play devils advocate, the detox part of rehab is dependent on bed status and if they have a bed available. Given the drug epidemic happening right now in our country the beds can be very limited.

But on the other hand, given his current status and excuses he’s been arriving at maybe he’s just not ready yet.

Rehab is just one tool in the recovery tool box, if he really wanted to get clean he’d be sitting in NA or AA meetings, checking into out-patient while waiting for a bed to become available, doing something to show he’s moving in the right direction instead of just spinning his wheels in the sand.

CanadianRose

Those are fair points. I'm letting him figure it out regardless. If he wants help, he will find a way to get it. You're right, I don't expect it's that easy. Thankfully I've never had to find out for myself!

Txbuttercup

I've become a Nancy Drew of addictive substances as well. It is amazing how clever I can be tracking stuff down.

Most of the time it is to prove to myself I'm not crazy, but I also feel I "need" to know so I know how to act. One Saturday morning I was up at 7 and hadn't heard him leave (usually the garage door wakes me up). By 9 he was slurring. At this point I don't know if that's just the way he speaks, alcohol, or the meds from rehab he continues to take. If I know how much he's drank and how much he has left I can often predict what will happen and prepare myself. I relax if I see he's drank enough he will pass out soon, but I "need" to know if there is enough left to start over again when he wakes up (I used to pour some out or water it down in desperation). If he has drank it all and it's late enough, I know he likely not go out for more so that feeling in my stomach settles. If there will be a round two, I just pretend to be asleep. Twisted way to use knowledge as power. Sad thing is I'm doing this completely sober.

I don't think it has so much to do with mental fortitude as it is just a form of self preservation. If something continously causes you harm, it is natural to try to stop it or atleast brace yourself for impact.

I told him one night a couple weeks ago I just needed an evening of peace to watch a Hallmark movie and didn't want to have the same arguments we always have. His response was to say said I don't handle stress well and need to work on that. This coming from a man who once got so drunk he could barely stand because some one cut in front of him in line at the convience store.

Reading your situation through your eyes is horrifying, yet familiar. I feel immense empathy for those who have lost loved ones to addiction, but I'm really starting to wonder if that could be any worse than living with a monster in their skin.

It sounds like you are moving forward. Please keep us posted.

hopeful4

If he is worried about depression as well, he should look for a dual diagnosis facility, which would help him with both. It would also keep his BS about crack not being a problem to a minimum. Yes, it's hard to find the right place. If he really wants it, he will find it.

CanadianRose

Oh my lord, you don't handle stress well and I don't handle chaos well. What is wrong with us? lol. Yeah, I am not proud of thinking that it would have been easier if he had just died in a car accident or something instead of turning into a stranger and having the bald-faced nerve to still look like my husband. I obviously don't want him to die, but I know what you mean. That experience takes your brain and turns it inside out while it twists your heart into a pretzel.

Yeah, I snooped to try and convince myself that I wasn't crazy too. It doesn't take long in this world of addiction to start questioning everything, does it?

CanadianRose

I almost offered my web-searching expertise but stopped myself immediately. If he had been looking for a pair of shoes or whatever online, I wouldn't have thought twice about it and I guess that habit dies hard when dealing with recovery stuff. If I, who don't have the addiction, can find things, he should certainly be able to. He's a grown man. Seems he did spend a lot of time looking this morning only to find out that his insurance doesn't cover inpatient rehab, only outpatient. I left it alone. He can use this as an excuse to give up or he can take what he can find and work towards recovering.

incomprehesible

I went all Sherlock Holmes, with a magnifying glass (well, my phone), magnifying the writing on pill packets and then obsessively googling what they were. I went through credit card statements and then obsessively googling company names. At no point did I find anything I didn't already know in some way. I moved out of our shared home a few weeks ago - and still knew when he was using and when he stopped, without even being anywhere near him or the house. I did learn a lot from the initial snooping but had to remove myself from it, as it wasn't helping me. I think many of us are guilty of snooping, it's hardly surprising seeing what we are being/have been put through!

CanadianRose

I know what you mean. It has gotten to where I can tell when he is going to use before he succumbed. There is never a question when he is actually using. The snooping showed me how bad the financial part really was, and that was scary enough. I do need that knowledge though, so I don't know if that was bad snooping or not. Either way, I'm done snooping. He'll do it or he won't and I'll know.

incomprehesible

Thank you for pointing that out actually, you're right. I discovered debt through snooping too, and it gave me a huge kick up the backside, so there is an element of self preservation. I did feel like it started to become an obsession to look for stuff, which is really exhausting and pointless!

CanadianRose

He's got a rehab. Thank goodness. I hope it helps.

Sodevastated

I think it's a good thing you found out about the financial part. You need to know that for your own sake but snooping for evidence of him using is pointless. Like you said, You know and you are able to tell when he actually is using. My AH hid his addiction and when he was using in a fantastic way, even though he was spiraling towards his death. I never found any evidence of him using- no residue, no phone calls, texts etc. We never moved in together after we married ( he died before that) and keeping me at a distance gave him a chance to hide it all so well. But my point is that I couldn't have changed anything by snooping. I couldn't have changed anything by doing anything. Neither can you. It's up to him to do that. His acts will show how serious he's about quitting versus not quitting. Wait and see and don't listen to what he says. Look into his actions. Very wise words I've heard on this board so many times and they are so true.

Hang in there

AnvilheadII

how are YOU today, Dee?

CanadianRose

I am so sorry that your AH didn't make it out of this. That is just so tragic. You're right, though. I can't do anything at all about this any more than you could. I'm really glad I kept out of his rehab planning. I'm hands off. If he wants to save his life, that would be great.

CanadianRose

I think I'll be better when he leaves for rehab on Monday, lol. Way out of state and everything. I need a month of peace! Maybe that will help me get some perspective...getting a break from the madness. Three more days and maybe I can breathe again. Lord I hope he doesn't screw this up and not go.

hopeful4

I caution you to let him do his own thing while he is there. I took every phone call, was on the phone constantly when my XAH was in rehab.

Now, I realize I should have had no contact and been working on the support I needed when he was there.

Hugs.

AnvilheadII

don't be surprised if he has "one last blast" - that's very common for addicts, wanting to say "goodbye". and don't be surprised if he somehow fails to go.

you have done a VERY good job of staying out of it to the best of your ability. couple more days. hang in there.

CanadianRose

I really appreciate your advice. I had been wondering how this all works. I didn't know if he was supposed to not call me or not or what was better to do. I hope he's too busy working on himself to call me constantly. I don't know how I'll feel once he's there, but I know for an absolute certainty that I need a break emotionally to get perspective and just freakin' relax for the first time in a couple of months. I think I messed up when I kicked him out for a couple of weeks by answering his calls and texts. I didn't get any break from the craziness. It was all so new then, though. I didn't know anything at all at that point and I was still heartbroken and in shock. I may still be heartbroken, but at least I'm also more educated, frustrated and angry to balance that out, lol.

CanadianRose

I half expect him to do so. I will be so pissed if he does that while his daughter is here this weekend. SO pissed. If I have to explain to that sweet girl that her dad is high on crack....oh man. I can't even. That might not be something that I can ever let go. So far she doesn't know that he actually relapsed. If she sees that and I have to try and help pick the pieces of her heart up....oooh. She was 7 the last time he used and she didn't really understand it. At 15, she'll get it. I know he has limited sense and empathy right now, but I don't.

I am at the point that he's going to go one way or another. He might not go to rehab, but that one last blast and not going is an absolute breakup-level act. He knows where I stand right now. He goes to rehab or he just goes away.