Advice and support pls

Old 05-08-2017, 09:26 PM
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Advice and support pls

Sorry in advance for this long post. My dear friend who had struggled with severe mental health/addiction issues since high school died this weekend. I believe she overdosed on heroin. I had lost contact with her after noticing altered behavior and learning bits and pieces about her abusing prescriptions. We had been close as sisters at one time but had had ups and downs because of her various issues. I told her my concerns about her behavior, she was angry, and I just realized that I didn't need to be around someone hell bent on self destruction. She told mutual friends in the last 15 months of us not talking at all that we didn't speak anymore because I didn't approve of her 'life style'. I considered this the end of a friendship that had run its course. I also had a gut feeling she was hiding the severity of her drug use from me and I felt like I didn't need a front row seat to a prolonged suicide. My husband struggles with a drinking problem and I have an a child and work and school and it was a big healthy step for me to move away from situation that was unhealthy for me. Its strange to say, but I think deep down, without any real proof, I knew I would eventually get a call that she had died and I knew I couldn't be right there when it happened.

So anyways, I find out she died through her father's social media post. I assumed it was from an overdose or suicide because of her history but to this moment don't have confirmation. I emailed back her father to offer condolences and after very vague exchange of emails during which I said I was devastated to hear the news and I had hoped she would get better, he emails me to say he had NO IDEA SHE WAS DOING DRUGS and how really I should have told him so he could fix it. It was far more directly blaming then my paraphrasing and full of judgment about what I should do for future addicts I know. Please note my husband has publically struggled with alcoholism including a DUI and job losses ect. I am no stranger to addiction and I know damn well an addict can become a rock dragging you down to the ocean floor if you don't have boundaries. I never could fix them. They help themselves when they can and will.

I am hurting from this blame and sitting with my own tremendous grief. 1) because I was never TOLD my friend was doing drugs. I noticed her altered behavior and asked her questions and set boundaries because I cared. Why didn't he? 2) I still don't know what she was or wasn't doing or how she died and I have no idea if she also cut her father off and he thinks I knew she was using for all that time 3) Because I witnessed her nodding off and other tell tale signs of drug abuse IN HIS COMPANY and assumed he also noticed her altered behavior 4) Because when I first emailed him to offer condolences I said I am sorry she was hurting so much and I hoped things would get better. I meant this not knowing if she has committed suicide or overdosed. Because of her long term struggle with depression it was more of an acknowledgment that she has had a very painful struggle that got the best of her.

I can't imagine the grief of loosing a child to drugs. I don't pretend to. And I know anger and blame is probably natural. But I'm really feeling f***ed about his laying a hefty load of responsibility on my shoulders for someone else's drug use. I feel like if you have a kid who has was in rehab for ODing on heroin in high school you at least know signs of addiction. I also feel like the struggle between mental illness and substance abuse overlaps. So why is he saying that oh he knew she was massively depressed but if he had known it was addiction he would have done things differently.

I'm sorry for the long rant. I feel like I'm in a place where I have lost a dear friend to a f***ed disease. I picked myself and distance over her specifically because I didn't want to be so closely intertwined with an addict because it wasn't helping either of us. To have her father project blame on me for the steps I took to save myself feels like more bs back to being responsible for someone else's choices.

To be clear, I had no proof of her using, no reckless or illegal behavior to report to authorities and no idea she was in imminent danger. I would never have enabled or covered her drug problem. I just didn't think it was my place to blow up her life and contact her parent about my opinions about her choices. all the signs of addiction were there for anyone to see. I am understanding that she had been doing heroin but I was never told that. I cannot believe that if I saw the symptoms of opioid use BEFORE heroin was in the picture, and I have been out of her life for nearly 2 years, that there were not way worse signs as her disease progressed. On facebook, random people she worked with were expressing how troubled and lost she had been. It didn't seem like a secret.
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Old 05-08-2017, 09:51 PM
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Sending you a hug.

Her father is wrong to blame you in any way, shape, or form, but he is a grieving parent and therefore he's truly not in his right mind now. Whatever he thinks he could have done differently "to fix it" would not have made any difference...it's clear he knows very little about addiction or addicts.

Take a deep breath and don't let his grief-borne anger and ignorance make this your load to carry. Remember your troubled friend is now free from her pain and there is some small grace in that.

You did what you needed to do. It's okay.
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Old 05-09-2017, 06:21 AM
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Hugs to you!

He is lashing out. Anger is a part of grief, and he has no one to lash out around. There is no possible way he could have fixed it.

Go forward in peace knowing you did the right thing. It's ok to love someone from afar when their lifestyle will be destructive to you. That's a fact.

Tight hugs. I am so sorry for the loss of your friend.
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Old 05-09-2017, 07:27 AM
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GRIEF REARS UP IN PEOPLE IN DIFFERENT WAYS lashing out, fear, anger at losing a loved one..guilt- sharing the blame? empathy and support to you- out of your control
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Old 05-09-2017, 08:37 AM
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Thank you everyone for your empathy. I *know* I did not contribute to my friends death but that inkling of guilt is there. Having someone else directly blame me feels horrible. I feel like I accepted this was coming and now I have to grieve all over again.

Her dad continues to vasilate between anger at me and anger at her. I guess i'm just going to let him express himself and try to find empathy.
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Old 05-09-2017, 11:15 AM
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When someone that close to you dies from something preventable, you feel the need to blame whoever you possibly can. It is not your fault. He IGNORED the signs on his own, you didn't make him do that. HE did it. He probably feels the guilt, as well as the blaming feelings, but is just overwhelmed with emotions of anger and sadness. It's just feelings in him that he is trying to vent out in whatever way.
I think it is amazing of you to say that you will let him express himself and try to find empathy because I think that is kind of what he needs. Just to vent and get it all out. Please don't let it hurt you or make you feel worse- don't take it personally, he is overwhelmed and you know you are not to blame for her adult choices and his choosing to ignore the problem.
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Old 05-09-2017, 01:50 PM
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I feel like the only reason I am finding any empathy is because almost for the first time in my entire life, I followed my intuition and put my own health first. I trusted myself, and I think that's allowed me to process this horrible outcome realistically. I don't feel flooded. Like I personally know what to do for my own health. And I haven't come on here in years and instead of freaking out when her dad emailed me I came here for support. Thank you all for listening and responding.
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