alterity

25 years! That's awesome! (I myself am at fifteen years. I was much like my B up into my late 20s.)

Doesn't the drug court team get copies of the hospital records? There were nanograms of amphetamine/etc in his system but b/c the level were "below threshold" they are reported as "negative." From what it sounds like, he was binging during the period up shortly before May 27th (his appearance at Dad's was as if crashing), possibly used bath salts on May 28th, then was urine tested May 30th. Then on June 22, there was the same substances but at like a fraction of the level from the month prior. Could there still be nanograms from one whole month earlier?

I am also trying to get a copy of the ER records from the night of the 28th. I think he was having seizures. Testing done June 3 shows heart pumping problems and the CAT scan shows prefrontal lobe abnormalty. The blood chemistry analysis shows a system basically out of whack.

I don't know if the drug court gets copies of this, but it should! His attorney was going to get his permission to give new PO the documentation I have compiled but I don't know the status of that.

I got an email this morning from caretaker that she sent last night saying he has been having a good day. I slept pretty well with my technology turned off. I am going to go do something today that will take my mind off his addiction for the day and will try not to check phone or email until tomorrow morning.

Thank you everyone so much for being "here." I'm sure I am going to have to keep posting.

hopeful4

Do you or your dad communicate with his PO? I know here, when my X was on probation, it was a very open relationship with his PO and I could call him at any time and give him info on things. I am sure it largely depends on who you get. I wish I had utilized his services more in hindsight. My thinking would be that if the PO does not have those records, send them yourself.

Much love. Glad you are taking some time out for yourself to be able to step away sometimes!

alterity

His old PO was very cagey. Wouldn't talk to anyone except B's mom and the family friend B has authorized to speak on his behalf. She wouldn't even let me sit in on a session they had together when he asked her if I could. Even worse, she refused to take the information I emailed her and told B's attorney to tell me to stop sending her documents. I don't get it. No one is asking her to break privacy laws (i.e. give information), but I would think it is her legal duty to receive information.

I don't know his new PO, but I do know that attorney was supposed to ask B permission for him to give the document to him. Not sure he ever did that, though.

hopeful4

I would go in and ask to speak the the PO. If that did not get anywhere, I would then ask to speak to the PO's boss. I know my X's PO was relieved that he had family that cared enough to actually show concern about what was happening. I know they are not all the same though.

XXX

alterity

My wedding is coming up in 2.5 weeks. Worrying about B has been the biggest stressor of this time of planning. I don't even have a definitive RSVP from him! The deadline was the end of August. I saw him on 8/29 briefly when I visited family for a few hours for nephew's birthday party. He showed up, well over an hour late, and only stayed for about 45 minutes. I had not seen him since the day I tried to drive him to probation, the day he scared the living daylights out of me. We took a little time to catch up in private. Apparently, the meds they have him on are making him extremely depressed, irritable, lethargic, and causing severe liver pain. I encouraged him to tell his team about these problems. I worked behind the scenes over the past few weeks to advocate for better monitoring of the symptoms, and questioned why the psychiatrist prescribed greater than double the recommended maximum dosage of one of the medications. I also sent him the letter that I had written just before I had departed for there when I went there to manage the crisis. I wanted him to know how worried I was about him and still am.

He's been acting out, argumentative with caretaker, may not be complying with meds (we do not know), quit his job, and might be relapsing (we do not know).

So, that brings us to recent events. I'm getting three very different vibes from people who have regular communication with B: his "caretaker", our dad, and his mom. Our dad informed me that he's going to take my B to rent a tuxedo and confirmed that the hotel room I booked for B is still available. His mom says not to count on him coming to the wedding, that it's probably not even on his mind, that he might not even show up (i.e. be there when our dad goes to pick him up the morning of the Big Day), and that something bad is probably going to happen soon. His caretaker says that she thinks he'll be fine to go to the wedding, to just make sure he is sitting next to Dad, and serve him ginger ale.

I wrote him a letter today to give him a text app number to text me his RSVP. I don't want him to having my phone number because then I might be getting those "rescue me" calls. I expressed how I want him to consider how the event is not a sober affair, told him that we would understand if he decides not to go (but that we do want him there), and that we'd understand if he does go but retires to his hotel room early. I wanted to send them message that we'd love him there but only if he can keep himself together.

I didn't mention that the place is a very upscale, high end place, and they do not hesitate to call police and have patrons removed. I also did not mention that a county sheriff is a guest of ours but if anything should happen that involves police it could be a total nightmare for us. This is because county sheriff friend ran against the local county sheriff where the venue/hotel is in last year's election. They are bitter rivals. If anything is to happen, we cannot have any embarrassment reflected upon him. I am not even sure how to start contingency planning for any crisis.

My other concern is the drive. Father and his wife will be in the car with him for 3.5 hours the day of the wedding. Father's wife has a big mouth that she cannot keep shut. My dad (a raging alcoholic) gets very stressed when he needs to be somewhere on time. I am going to try to talk to dad about how they need to think about that and how they need that drive to be as mellow and peaceful as possible. I do not need that drive to be a nightmare.

cece1960

Alterity,
Please let others take care of themselves on your big day. You deserve to have no worries. It's one day, and a very important one for you.

The three people you are talking about are grown adults and will figure out how to get to the venue. Trying to plan every minute of the trip for them, including how they should feel, is not your job or your right to do so.

I know you want this day to be perfect. But if you consume yourself with responsibility for others, it will take away what you can and should take away from your wedding day.

hopeful4

I hope it all goes without a hitch. I tend to agree with your mom, that who knows what he is thinking. It is likely not in the front of his mind. I will also say that I hope there is no alcohol in his room.

Many hugs to you. You can only control so much, let the rest go.

XXX

alterity

A week or so before the wedding, Dad called to let me know that B had decided that indeed it would not be a good thing if he attended the wedding and that he would not go. He must have taken my letter to heart. I hope it did not hurt his heart. I wrote back to him telling him that I was proud of him knowing his limitations and that I could completely understand his decision.

The wedding was this past weekend. My father seemed extremely stressed and depressed when he arrived. I told my aunt that I was concerned and she mentioned that she thinks that what is going on with B is really taking its toll on him. I had not heard any status recently at that point so what she said raised my blood pressure a little. Then she said that B was living at C's and working but did not mention any recent events that should cause concern. I didn't ask any further.

At the wedding, Dad seemed almost catatonic at dinner and I kept looking over at him with concern. As the party continued, and my family began to have a lot of fun, he lightened up and everything was ok.

The next day, when saying goodbye to Dad, he had the happiest look on his face. He looked happier than I can ever remember seeing him.

It was a wonderful time. I will have many fond memories of the most important day of my life. I remember it all very vividly, as does my new husband, since neither of us drank! We stayed sober for the wedding, not even deliberately, but we both just intuitively knew it was the right thing to do.

I wouldn't change a thing. It was perfect.

LoveMeNow

Congratulations!! Sounds like a beautiful day!!

alterity

So, it's been exactly three months and one day since my B (substance abusing/addicted brother) was let out of jail to go stay with a family friend/caretaker under the condition that he remain compliant with his medications and with the house rules of friend/caretaker. It is said that 90% of addicts relapse within the first three months after last usage.

He has lost two jobs during this time. The first one he was working too slowly as the meds make him very lethargic and impact his executive functioning. The second job he lost a couple of weeks ago. He had gone off his meds, according to friend/caretaker, and did nothing but sit in the dark in his room for three days straight. Sounds like he lost his job as a consequence of going off the meds.

I am wary regarding the continued use of the two powerful meds he is on, as the medical consensus is that substance induced psychosis will subside after three months of being "clean." That being said, no one knows for sure if he hasn't relapsed during these past three months.

Anyway, friend/caretaker said to me that she thinks he "needs long term care" and I had a feeling that things were not going so well between them. This was a couple of days ago. This evening, I got a text from B asking me for our sister's phone number. I can only imagine that he wants to call her to ask her to live there. She works full time and has a one year old son, so that is not happening.

I have a really bad feeling. My intuition ends up being right 99% of the time. I hope this is one of the 1%.

Follow up:

About an hour or so after the text from B asking for sister's phone number, she posted a couple of photos on facebook of him and our nephew. Great photos, too.. He looks healthy and happy. I am glad that this was a false alarm. I should probably adjust my track record.

alterity

Things are really not getting any better. Our father keeps putting on more and more pressure on B to "get his act together." During the past couple of phone conversations my dad and I have had, he sounded like he really lacks understanding about B's mental illness making comments along the lines of "snap out of it." He also wants to cut B off financially, as if that would help. (NOT) I keep telling him that B has a load road of recovery ahead of him and that he is seriously mentally ill.

There is no indication that B has been using drugs, as far as I am aware. He is suffering severe side effects of the meds he is on. The other day, he parked at the entrance of the post office parking lot, blocking the way in, so his car was towed. What was he thinking? Obviously, he wasn't. Also, recently the neighbors of the house where he lives called the police because he was in his car for over two hours just slumped over.

He isn't get better when he should be. The meds are hurting him and withdrawal must be done with gradual taper over long period of time under medical supervision. If he takes them irregularly, as he appears to be doing, that will not be good for him. Something has to change.

alterity

Turns out I was right after all. A few weeks ago, when I posted about having a really bad feeling, B had relapsed. Three months after his last hospitalization/jail time. He was back on drugs then and sometime in the recent week he stole thousands of dollars of jewelry from the last person/family friend willing to shelter him (the woman I have been referring to as his "caretaker"). He bought drugs with the jewelry.

I just found this out tonight after learning my father's wife's son died this past weekend. He is only a couple of years older than my B and has an almost identical background. He was kicked out of his father's house and the next day was hit by a train and died. I think it was suicide but the police are considering it an accident.

I don't know where B is but the police are on the case. I would assume that he will be arrested if he hasn't already.

When his caretaker said to me that she could not believe that he would do this to her, I said I can't say that I'm surprised and that he would have done this to me, our dad, his mom, anyone.



(And that photo of him at my sister's house, he was probably at her place to try to find loot.)

hopeful4

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry. I am just reading your posts. Unfortunately, for the mentally ill, finding a combo of Rx drugs that actually work, getting them to take them when they should, and working around the side affects is just too much. So...they self medicate instead. What an evil cycle. I don't believe he is too mentally ill to suffer the consequences of what he has done however. I am sure he knows right from wrong, and I am sure he realizes that there are serious consequences for such behavior.

Sending many, many hugs and prayers for you and your family.

alterity

Thank you for responding! I just spoke with my sister who told me that she got a text from him the day before yesterday asking if he could stay with her. She said no, to summarize, but that if he recognizes that he needs inpatient help, she will be there for him in his efforts to get sober/clean. She also told me that he called his other sister (a daughter of his mom's from first marriage) to bring him to the hospital. He claimed to be suicidal but admitted to sis that he just needed a place to sleep. We assume he was there overnight the one night and was released yesterday. Then my father got the call telling him that his wife's (Dad's 3rd wife; son from her first marriage) son was dead. The expectation was that B would call dad, as that is what he always does when in a jam. No one knows if B tried to call Dad while all that was going on and no one knows where he is, at least according to my sis.

Happy thanksgiving...not.

alterity

Oh, I forgot to mention that he was apparently saying to stepsis that he can't believe that Dad won't take him in, blah blah blah. She called him out on this and said that after everything Dad has given him and done for him, that he expects to get bailed out after he does something like this?!?! I honestly don't know if he does realize there are consequences with an attitude like this.

alterity

Ugh, well, here is the latest. B, for some reason, has been ambivalent about going into rehab. He said to his mom that he wanted to go but it seems only for a place to provide him shelter and care. None of the facilities the hospital (he was still in the hospital as of this afternoon) tried to transfer him to would take him either for insurance reasons or because he has a sex charge (groping) from a few years ago. The only place he could go, without asking Dad to help him with rehab costs (potentially reimbursed) which he refused to do, was a homeless shelter in Paterson. They take the worst of the worst cases. He won't survive. I am certain he is going to wind up in the hospital within the next 48 hours one way or another.

alterity

He left the shelter. It scared him too much. Don't know where he will spend the night.

P.S. I know we aren't supposed to focus so much on our loved ones here but I have no other support and the chat room won't work.

piove

Very sorry that you and your family are going through this pain, over and over.
If talking about what has been going on helps you, why not?
The reason we are here is to tell our story and to hear other people's stories, so we can give and get help. Everything else, in my opinion, is fluff

MyJoey

Wow I haven't been on in a little so just getting caught up, I am so sorry. I know this is SO darn draining on you. He will find a place to sleep our addicts are very good at doing what they want to do. When he is uncomfortable enough he will call someone in the family. Huge hugs to you.
I'm so glad your wedding went well ��

alterity

Thank you, myjoey and piove. Myjoey, he will call someone in the family but no one is willing to take him in. I suppose if lack of sleep makes him delerious and induces schizophrenia, he can get admitted to the hospital, but that's no solution. I am glad he is finally facing the serious consequences of his actions but so very scared at the same time.