Five Years Here, So Sad to Still Be Here
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Originally Posted by Refiner 
Good grief, that MAN has been trying to get "recovered" for years and years now. Alt has been thru recovery herself and knows this person better than any of us. He's been babied and enabled his whole adult life and we see how that's worked out for him. I agree with Alt, but we're all entitled to our own opinions.
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The edits that I made are reflected in this new version (I can't send it until I get some technical issues with my printer resolved):
Dear B,
I hope you got through the holidays okay without too much loneliness. I don’t know if you know, but Aunt J cancelled Christmas this year (first time in over 20 years!) because of all the stress and craziness in the family of late (Nana dying this year, Ja’s suicide, etc.). I was thankful to get a break and just spent the day with M and Jack (our dog). I made green bean casserole to go with our dinner. Do you remember how much you love green beans?
Anyway….of course I have been thinking of you and hoping your recovery is going well so far. I hope the treatment team has made you aware that dealing with a meth addiction can be very, very difficult and takes a very long time. Everything that I have learned about meth/amphetamine (yes, you had that in your system, so whether you are aware of it or not, you had been using it) is just so scary.
The withdrawals and cravings for it must be intense and you’ll probably be wanting to substitute with anything that is going to release dopamine (sugar, caffeine, etc) to even get a tiny effect on the “pleasure” receptors of the brain that are largely affected by meth/coke/all drugs basically. It takes an average of 18-24 months before the brain returns to normal. 1 out of 4 of meth users attempt suicide. Meth users commit murder and aggression is one of the common side effects (I saw it when I was there with you in NJ this summer. You scared the **** out of me.). As someone at nar-anon said, “meth can turn the kindest, nicest soul into a completely different person, one that you don't even recognize.” Etc etc etc…. Needless to say, that K2/spice **** is just as bad. One guy on it strangled his dog and ate it.
Lastly, I know that meth/heroin/etc withdrawal can be very painful and long lasting. I hope you can take advantage of everything that the program you are at can offer you. I think it is especially important to use the help of the social workers. I hope you are thinking long term (housing, health insurance, etc.) as that is essential to survival.
Anyway, you know I love you, as does Dad and the rest of the family. We are rooting for you and will never stop.
Love,
Dear B,
I hope you got through the holidays okay without too much loneliness. I don’t know if you know, but Aunt J cancelled Christmas this year (first time in over 20 years!) because of all the stress and craziness in the family of late (Nana dying this year, Ja’s suicide, etc.). I was thankful to get a break and just spent the day with M and Jack (our dog). I made green bean casserole to go with our dinner. Do you remember how much you love green beans?
Anyway….of course I have been thinking of you and hoping your recovery is going well so far. I hope the treatment team has made you aware that dealing with a meth addiction can be very, very difficult and takes a very long time. Everything that I have learned about meth/amphetamine (yes, you had that in your system, so whether you are aware of it or not, you had been using it) is just so scary.
The withdrawals and cravings for it must be intense and you’ll probably be wanting to substitute with anything that is going to release dopamine (sugar, caffeine, etc) to even get a tiny effect on the “pleasure” receptors of the brain that are largely affected by meth/coke/all drugs basically. It takes an average of 18-24 months before the brain returns to normal. 1 out of 4 of meth users attempt suicide. Meth users commit murder and aggression is one of the common side effects (I saw it when I was there with you in NJ this summer. You scared the **** out of me.). As someone at nar-anon said, “meth can turn the kindest, nicest soul into a completely different person, one that you don't even recognize.” Etc etc etc…. Needless to say, that K2/spice **** is just as bad. One guy on it strangled his dog and ate it.
Lastly, I know that meth/heroin/etc withdrawal can be very painful and long lasting. I hope you can take advantage of everything that the program you are at can offer you. I think it is especially important to use the help of the social workers. I hope you are thinking long term (housing, health insurance, etc.) as that is essential to survival.
Anyway, you know I love you, as does Dad and the rest of the family. We are rooting for you and will never stop.
Love,
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
I think your letter is honest, compassionate, and
shows the love you feel very clearly.
He needs to know what he faces, and that all of you know
as well.
I agree with Refiner--too much coddling at this stage isn't helpful.
You make it clear that you care, but that he needs
to develop his own resources at this point.
That last part is very important. . .
I hope 2016 is a much happier year for you and your family alterity
shows the love you feel very clearly.
He needs to know what he faces, and that all of you know
as well.
I agree with Refiner--too much coddling at this stage isn't helpful.
You make it clear that you care, but that he needs
to develop his own resources at this point.
That last part is very important. . .
I hope 2016 is a much happier year for you and your family alterity
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
Originally Posted by alterity
I think some users here just like to argue and be negative with others.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 379
Originally Posted by cynical one
No not really. I just hate to seen anyone being controlled, manipulated, belittled, or abused. And, it doesn't matter which side of the fence they sit on. But, I will bow out and I do wish your son/brother the best. I understand better now.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 379
THIS is inappropriate:
-------------- If your intention is to be the fuel for a huge relapse, anger, severe depression, shame, resentment, and complete loss of hope...you will accomplish it well with that letter.
If he were to receive a manipulative letter such as this, it would most likely trigger a case of the *f*-its.
This letter made me want to go out and use, and I’m not an addict.
I just hate to seen anyone being controlled, manipulated, belittled, or abused….. I understand better now. --------------
That’s right, insinuating that I am controlling, manipulating, belittling, and ABUSING my B, for god’s sake.
Please, if your comments are of that ilk, yes, I would appreciate it if you would stay away from my threads.
-------------- If your intention is to be the fuel for a huge relapse, anger, severe depression, shame, resentment, and complete loss of hope...you will accomplish it well with that letter.
If he were to receive a manipulative letter such as this, it would most likely trigger a case of the *f*-its.
This letter made me want to go out and use, and I’m not an addict.
I just hate to seen anyone being controlled, manipulated, belittled, or abused….. I understand better now. --------------
That’s right, insinuating that I am controlling, manipulating, belittling, and ABUSING my B, for god’s sake.
Please, if your comments are of that ilk, yes, I would appreciate it if you would stay away from my threads.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 379
I just read an interesting post on facebook "6 Lies All Addicts Tell Themselves (and You)."
Lie #5: My addiction doesn't affect anyone else
This is probably the most universal lie among addicts. Despite seeing pain and confusion on the faces of loved ones, it's easier to deny that reality. Instead, they see friends and family members as enemies, constantly judging and trying to dictate their path in life. They confuse concern with control and often respond with, "If I want to do drugs, then that's what I'm going to do, and you can't stop me." This lie represents the selfishness that plays such a large role in addiction.
So, reading this, I can see the reasoning behind proceeding with caution with the letter. I think I edited it well enough and I know that my B has never, ever seen me as an enemy except when he was having his psychotic episode in June. I am sure he will read the letter as one that is expressing concern, especially with the edits.
Lie #5: My addiction doesn't affect anyone else
This is probably the most universal lie among addicts. Despite seeing pain and confusion on the faces of loved ones, it's easier to deny that reality. Instead, they see friends and family members as enemies, constantly judging and trying to dictate their path in life. They confuse concern with control and often respond with, "If I want to do drugs, then that's what I'm going to do, and you can't stop me." This lie represents the selfishness that plays such a large role in addiction.
So, reading this, I can see the reasoning behind proceeding with caution with the letter. I think I edited it well enough and I know that my B has never, ever seen me as an enemy except when he was having his psychotic episode in June. I am sure he will read the letter as one that is expressing concern, especially with the edits.
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The card and letter were "returned to sender" because I think I was mailing them to the wrong address. Strangely, not all my cards were returned. Anyway, my B called me the other day. As usual, my initial reaction was fear. I was also a little annoyed, to be honest, because I have deliberately not provided him my new phone number ever since he first was arrested and went to jail.
He sounded a bit self absorbed but otherwise clear headed and "normal." A short while ago, he finished his three months of outpatient and was again on the verge of homelessness when his time was up. With 48 hours left to go, he got a call from someone who had an opening at a sober living house. He thankfully was able to move in there. The location is close enough to were he has been working so there was no major disruption in his life. While of course I hope he is focused on recovery, I sure hope he is starting to become far more self reliant and stable so that he can weather these strains.
His status with probation is unchanged but he does face a hearing in the town where he had been living when he stole the $2,500 worth of jewelry from his caretaker. Since it is held at the level of municipality, the assumption is that the charge is a misdemeanor and won't carry any jail time if found guilty. I hope he has to pay a fine or face at least some consequence for the theft. The hearing is sometime in May.
He expressed a desire to visit me but that won't be feasible since I am over five hours away. I can tell he really misses me, but what am I going to do? I still want the same distance between us so I am protected in the possible case of major relapse and back to square one. Besides, I honestly just can't afford to travel anywhere these days. I gracefully changed the subject but I did make it clear that I am "here for him" in his recovery. I hope that he understands but I really don't know. I sent him a card and letter today telling him that it was good to hear from him and to keep in touch but I certainly did not mention any visits or hope to see him.
Praying that this time is the charm for him.
He sounded a bit self absorbed but otherwise clear headed and "normal." A short while ago, he finished his three months of outpatient and was again on the verge of homelessness when his time was up. With 48 hours left to go, he got a call from someone who had an opening at a sober living house. He thankfully was able to move in there. The location is close enough to were he has been working so there was no major disruption in his life. While of course I hope he is focused on recovery, I sure hope he is starting to become far more self reliant and stable so that he can weather these strains.
His status with probation is unchanged but he does face a hearing in the town where he had been living when he stole the $2,500 worth of jewelry from his caretaker. Since it is held at the level of municipality, the assumption is that the charge is a misdemeanor and won't carry any jail time if found guilty. I hope he has to pay a fine or face at least some consequence for the theft. The hearing is sometime in May.
He expressed a desire to visit me but that won't be feasible since I am over five hours away. I can tell he really misses me, but what am I going to do? I still want the same distance between us so I am protected in the possible case of major relapse and back to square one. Besides, I honestly just can't afford to travel anywhere these days. I gracefully changed the subject but I did make it clear that I am "here for him" in his recovery. I hope that he understands but I really don't know. I sent him a card and letter today telling him that it was good to hear from him and to keep in touch but I certainly did not mention any visits or hope to see him.
Praying that this time is the charm for him.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Originally Posted by alterity
I posted the scenario five years ago when my son was age twenty. In five years, his mental health and criminal tendencies have only gotten worse and worse. The situation:
At around age 5 or 6, played with fire with a friend, dangerously starting a fire in the basement of the house.
Up until age 9, B was a very well-liked and likeable kid. Frequently clumsy and uncoordinated, was accident prone. Sister nearest in age was violent with him. In fact, it is suspected that when he was just a toddler, she pushed him down the stairs while in his walker. No evidence that he was injured as he was found still upright at the bottom of the stairs. Household was always full of chaos and he was exposed to a quite a lot of trauma.
Between age 9 and 11, threw rocks at cars with a friend for fun. Threw a basketball at a moving vehicle, breaking its windshield. His father and I divorced when he was 9.
From age 11 or so (2000) until when he was sent to a residential treatment program in 2002, B engaged in the following risky and delinquent behaviors:
- punched a student in school for saying something about his Dad
- ran out of school
- stole from his Dad
- stole from the school basketball team
- with a friend (who later turns out to be a drugdealer) shot a firework at a group of people
- punched me
1999-2002: In the midst of aftermath of the divorce, no structure to his environment. I was working, and he had no parental supervision after school. Older sister would have large groups of her friends at the house, partying. Father tried to have him spend time with him, but there was no schedule to this.
2001: B was bedwetting. Showed signs of PTSD.
Winter 2002 to 2005: B attended a boarding school, where he flourished, for the most part. Had a few problems, however, including stealing money from his Dad during a visit and using it to run away to NYC. Also ran away for brief periods of time from the school in dangerous winter conditions, risking his life.
Spring 2005: B attended high school for a short amount of time in NJ, where he was exposed to violent, criminal, and anti-social "friends." Quickly got out of control: "Robotripping" (at one point needing emergency room care), doing serious hard drugs, borrowing them from gang-related thugs with the promise to pay them back, and was in an extremely dangerous situation. During this time, he also "huffed", sold an exam, slapped a student who got in his face, and mimicked the action of "snorting drugs" while in class, broke curfew, stole jewelry, ransacked sisters' rooms, took my mobile phone against my wishes, and pushed his sister.
Was hospitalized after breaking down the door to his house using a sledgehammer. Diagnosed during that 72-hour observation with bi-polar. This was a very hasty diagnosis. He had not experienced any sleep changes and his use of drugs was likely not disclosed to his treatment team. I infer that because nothing was ever mentioned about it.
Summer 2005: Due to what was going on, was sent to an outdoors boot camp program in Utah. Had a psychological evaluation done which concluded that he had Conduct Disorder - Childhood-onset. (I would disagree somewhat with that finding. I think it was Adolescent-onset, given the timing of divorce and onset of problems.)
Fall 2005: Family tried to keep him at home. Talked about the rules/expectations and even negotiated a contract to set boundaries. Pretty soon, he was breaking the rules and was sent to a therapeutic school in VA.
Spring 2007: Graduated high school. Had done so well there, being a highly-structured and restrictive setting.
Summer 2007: Lived in NJ and had a job, which he performed well. He may had been doing drugs, but nothing too serious happened this summer. He was looking forward to college, which was a full free-ride thanks to the ROTC scholarship he won.
Fall 2007: Started college while living in a transitional program for kids who need extra help and structure in adjusting to adult living. Did excellent because he had structure and was sober. However, he began to relapse, started to disobey the rules, and eventually was removed from the program.
Spring 2008: Lived on campus. Was hospitalized from alcohol OD. Was sanctioned by the school for alcohol possession.
Summer 2008: Lets friend drive his car but friend doesn't have a license. Almost gets cited for dangerous entrustment. Gets a DUI-like charge for driving at the legal limit at his age, which is under 21.
Since turning 18, far too many run-ins and close-calls with the law and problems with drug abuse. The diagnosis of conduct disorder does not seem to be remitting. Instead, it is becoming its adult form of either antisocial personality disorder and/or substance abuse disorder.
2009: B has a party that the cops bust. Almost gets charged with being a social host. During argument with his girlfriend, B spits on her and gets charged with harassment. During another argument with his girlfriend, she hits B. Cops get involved. B gets suspended from college and banned from campus. B enters campus anyway and almost charged with trespassing. ODs on valium and a week later does some oral drug (Cloricidin). B gets expelled from ROTC for being suspended from college.
Summer 2009: lives in NJ with his Dad. Continues to do drugs. Escalates to the point where he takes his Dad's car without permission and doesn't come home in time for Dad to go to work. Dad on the verge of kicking him out of the house. On the verge of homelessness, I took him in for about a month during which time he was completely sober. Then gets a break by being allowed to live at his girlfriend's house.
Fall 2009 - Spring 2010 - As far as I know, was hard-drug free and only used marijuana, and was doing really well. However, he began to smoke pot more and more as the summer approached. Later admitted to having done hard drugs during this time. Gets car in March and shortly thereafter crashes car, doing $1500 damage to the other car and $900 damage to his own car. Gets a speeding ticket. Was smoking increasing amounts of marijuana.
Summer 2010: Gets ticket for not producing drivers license for cop after being stopped for reckless driving. Gets stopped by police in NYC for a traffic violation, risking being caught with cocaine. Starts doing hard drugs again. Gets stopped for reckless driving and is cited for DWID. His Dad was again on the verge of kicking him out and cutting him off financially. However, since the only drug he claimed was in his system was Xanax, Dad did not want to take such an extreme step.
This was the point at which I discovered this forum. I haven't posted here since then. The same history has kept repeating since then, only with higher stakes and graver consequences.
He spent some time in Virginia, and did well for a year or so until he started taking Adderall. He began to abuse it, then went off the deep end. He went psychotic, had a breakdown, and was institutionalized for 72 hours. The doctors recommended at least a month in-patient treatment but his father did not go along with that and instead brought him back to NJ. He got B an apartment and pretty soon, after a few months or so, B was back on hard drugs, probably cocaine. He was arrested for "groping" random women. His Dad did not bail him out of jail. After about six weeks, he was put on probation for this low level felony offense.
Winter 2013-2014: B got involved with drug dealers who were robbing houses to support the drug business. He either allowed them to use his car or drove it himself, but whichever it was, he was an accomplice. He ended up arrested and charged with 2nd and 3rd degree felonies. He was facing a maximum of 10 years in state prison, but the attorney hired by his Dad got him a very strict 5 year probation through the drug court program. This was settled in the fall of 2014 and included weekly drug testing and psychotherapy.
Just a little over one half year later, and B has been arrested again. I don't have all the details from his Dad, but when I do, I would like to share. There are no meetings anywhere near me. The closest is over two hours away. I sure could use the support as can many families in my neck of the woods. I'm starting to want to start a local chapter....
At around age 5 or 6, played with fire with a friend, dangerously starting a fire in the basement of the house.
Up until age 9, B was a very well-liked and likeable kid. Frequently clumsy and uncoordinated, was accident prone. Sister nearest in age was violent with him. In fact, it is suspected that when he was just a toddler, she pushed him down the stairs while in his walker. No evidence that he was injured as he was found still upright at the bottom of the stairs. Household was always full of chaos and he was exposed to a quite a lot of trauma.
Between age 9 and 11, threw rocks at cars with a friend for fun. Threw a basketball at a moving vehicle, breaking its windshield. His father and I divorced when he was 9.
From age 11 or so (2000) until when he was sent to a residential treatment program in 2002, B engaged in the following risky and delinquent behaviors:
- punched a student in school for saying something about his Dad
- ran out of school
- stole from his Dad
- stole from the school basketball team
- with a friend (who later turns out to be a drugdealer) shot a firework at a group of people
- punched me
1999-2002: In the midst of aftermath of the divorce, no structure to his environment. I was working, and he had no parental supervision after school. Older sister would have large groups of her friends at the house, partying. Father tried to have him spend time with him, but there was no schedule to this.
2001: B was bedwetting. Showed signs of PTSD.
Winter 2002 to 2005: B attended a boarding school, where he flourished, for the most part. Had a few problems, however, including stealing money from his Dad during a visit and using it to run away to NYC. Also ran away for brief periods of time from the school in dangerous winter conditions, risking his life.
Spring 2005: B attended high school for a short amount of time in NJ, where he was exposed to violent, criminal, and anti-social "friends." Quickly got out of control: "Robotripping" (at one point needing emergency room care), doing serious hard drugs, borrowing them from gang-related thugs with the promise to pay them back, and was in an extremely dangerous situation. During this time, he also "huffed", sold an exam, slapped a student who got in his face, and mimicked the action of "snorting drugs" while in class, broke curfew, stole jewelry, ransacked sisters' rooms, took my mobile phone against my wishes, and pushed his sister.
Was hospitalized after breaking down the door to his house using a sledgehammer. Diagnosed during that 72-hour observation with bi-polar. This was a very hasty diagnosis. He had not experienced any sleep changes and his use of drugs was likely not disclosed to his treatment team. I infer that because nothing was ever mentioned about it.
Summer 2005: Due to what was going on, was sent to an outdoors boot camp program in Utah. Had a psychological evaluation done which concluded that he had Conduct Disorder - Childhood-onset. (I would disagree somewhat with that finding. I think it was Adolescent-onset, given the timing of divorce and onset of problems.)
Fall 2005: Family tried to keep him at home. Talked about the rules/expectations and even negotiated a contract to set boundaries. Pretty soon, he was breaking the rules and was sent to a therapeutic school in VA.
Spring 2007: Graduated high school. Had done so well there, being a highly-structured and restrictive setting.
Summer 2007: Lived in NJ and had a job, which he performed well. He may had been doing drugs, but nothing too serious happened this summer. He was looking forward to college, which was a full free-ride thanks to the ROTC scholarship he won.
Fall 2007: Started college while living in a transitional program for kids who need extra help and structure in adjusting to adult living. Did excellent because he had structure and was sober. However, he began to relapse, started to disobey the rules, and eventually was removed from the program.
Spring 2008: Lived on campus. Was hospitalized from alcohol OD. Was sanctioned by the school for alcohol possession.
Summer 2008: Lets friend drive his car but friend doesn't have a license. Almost gets cited for dangerous entrustment. Gets a DUI-like charge for driving at the legal limit at his age, which is under 21.
Since turning 18, far too many run-ins and close-calls with the law and problems with drug abuse. The diagnosis of conduct disorder does not seem to be remitting. Instead, it is becoming its adult form of either antisocial personality disorder and/or substance abuse disorder.
2009: B has a party that the cops bust. Almost gets charged with being a social host. During argument with his girlfriend, B spits on her and gets charged with harassment. During another argument with his girlfriend, she hits B. Cops get involved. B gets suspended from college and banned from campus. B enters campus anyway and almost charged with trespassing. ODs on valium and a week later does some oral drug (Cloricidin). B gets expelled from ROTC for being suspended from college.
Summer 2009: lives in NJ with his Dad. Continues to do drugs. Escalates to the point where he takes his Dad's car without permission and doesn't come home in time for Dad to go to work. Dad on the verge of kicking him out of the house. On the verge of homelessness, I took him in for about a month during which time he was completely sober. Then gets a break by being allowed to live at his girlfriend's house.
Fall 2009 - Spring 2010 - As far as I know, was hard-drug free and only used marijuana, and was doing really well. However, he began to smoke pot more and more as the summer approached. Later admitted to having done hard drugs during this time. Gets car in March and shortly thereafter crashes car, doing $1500 damage to the other car and $900 damage to his own car. Gets a speeding ticket. Was smoking increasing amounts of marijuana.
Summer 2010: Gets ticket for not producing drivers license for cop after being stopped for reckless driving. Gets stopped by police in NYC for a traffic violation, risking being caught with cocaine. Starts doing hard drugs again. Gets stopped for reckless driving and is cited for DWID. His Dad was again on the verge of kicking him out and cutting him off financially. However, since the only drug he claimed was in his system was Xanax, Dad did not want to take such an extreme step.
This was the point at which I discovered this forum. I haven't posted here since then. The same history has kept repeating since then, only with higher stakes and graver consequences.
He spent some time in Virginia, and did well for a year or so until he started taking Adderall. He began to abuse it, then went off the deep end. He went psychotic, had a breakdown, and was institutionalized for 72 hours. The doctors recommended at least a month in-patient treatment but his father did not go along with that and instead brought him back to NJ. He got B an apartment and pretty soon, after a few months or so, B was back on hard drugs, probably cocaine. He was arrested for "groping" random women. His Dad did not bail him out of jail. After about six weeks, he was put on probation for this low level felony offense.
Winter 2013-2014: B got involved with drug dealers who were robbing houses to support the drug business. He either allowed them to use his car or drove it himself, but whichever it was, he was an accomplice. He ended up arrested and charged with 2nd and 3rd degree felonies. He was facing a maximum of 10 years in state prison, but the attorney hired by his Dad got him a very strict 5 year probation through the drug court program. This was settled in the fall of 2014 and included weekly drug testing and psychotherapy.
Just a little over one half year later, and B has been arrested again. I don't have all the details from his Dad, but when I do, I would like to share. There are no meetings anywhere near me. The closest is over two hours away. I sure could use the support as can many families in my neck of the woods. I'm starting to want to start a local chapter....
From what you are describing you and B's dad did all you could do to help your son. My ex's mother put her whole life on the line for her son. She ended up divorcing ex's father because she did not want to let her son go. My ex has been in and out of jail since he was probably 16, where his mother spent all her money for his lawyers, bought him cars (when he was out), paid his rent (when he couldn't), he constantly borrowed money from her (he is 37 at this point), he uses her as bank. Then I stepped in as his wife, he did the same to me. We thought we were helping, every time there was a little hope that he will get clean, we dropped everything, and ran to the rescue. Only ex didn't want to be rescued, he sure liked the process though.Nothing we did helped ex. He is 37 and is in another rehab (he is still on my insurance due to divorce taking time), but once that runs out, I imagine he will go back to jail. Jail is not a bad place for an addict, by the way (and I am very sorry to say that, but it's true). It is harder to get drugs there (not impossible). Ex always works out in jail, becomes a leader and doesn't use there (as far as I know, but who knows for sure). I think ex is still alive because of jail (his heroin habit is 10+ years). I know it is easy to say, but it looks like nothing you guys did really helped B. He is still doing what he wants - continues with his addiction, which nobody but him can control.
Letting go is hard
But it's the only option for your son. My ex's mother is very sick now, half of her body goes numb, she can't function very well, she is broke and her current relationship is on the rocks because of my ex. All for nothing....I am also broke and broken, probably have PTSD from these 6 years with ex, will take years to recover from this terror...
I hope you will find peace and let B fix himself if he choses to ...
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
alt...I know how hard this is for you. My heart is with you.
I am glad he sounded clear headed. I don't know if you can hear it in yourself, but you have made major progress. I am glad you are able to give yourself some space from this while still encouraging him. You have found the difference between encouraging and enabling, and that is so hard to do. Many of us never do.
Bug hugs to you. B is lucky to have you, and we are lucky to have you on this forum. Your insight has helped many!
I am glad he sounded clear headed. I don't know if you can hear it in yourself, but you have made major progress. I am glad you are able to give yourself some space from this while still encouraging him. You have found the difference between encouraging and enabling, and that is so hard to do. Many of us never do.
Bug hugs to you. B is lucky to have you, and we are lucky to have you on this forum. Your insight has helped many!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Alterity,
It's just so hard to stand by and simply hope. My son did well in jail. In my area all everything seems to start at the magistrate, and then it will be sent on to a hearing at the county courts if needed.
He's doing well now in a 3/4 house. He's made friends, and is clean. I have learned to enjoy the sober times. There is no guarantee that they will last so I'm grateful when they are here.
It's just so hard to stand by and simply hope. My son did well in jail. In my area all everything seems to start at the magistrate, and then it will be sent on to a hearing at the county courts if needed.
He's doing well now in a 3/4 house. He's made friends, and is clean. I have learned to enjoy the sober times. There is no guarantee that they will last so I'm grateful when they are here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 379
Thanks everyone for commenting. I had a technical breakdown and two backup laptops later, had to finally go buy a new one.
I heard an interview with Rob Reiner and his son the other day that I wanted to mention to everyone. (Rob Reiner was the screenwriter of When Harry Met Sally and other movies.) They have a new movie out called Being Charlie that sounds very reminiscent of my family's struggles with addiction. Loosely based on their lives, the story centers on a teenage son's addiction to many various substances and his parents' attempts to control it.
I can't wait to see it and hope you it "enjoy" it as well.
I heard an interview with Rob Reiner and his son the other day that I wanted to mention to everyone. (Rob Reiner was the screenwriter of When Harry Met Sally and other movies.) They have a new movie out called Being Charlie that sounds very reminiscent of my family's struggles with addiction. Loosely based on their lives, the story centers on a teenage son's addiction to many various substances and his parents' attempts to control it.
I can't wait to see it and hope you it "enjoy" it as well.
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Here's a link to the interview:
Nick And Rob Reiner On Drug Addiction And ?Being Charlie? | On Point with Tom Ashbrook
Nick And Rob Reiner On Drug Addiction And ?Being Charlie? | On Point with Tom Ashbrook
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I was rummaging through some data storage this morning and stumbled upon two videos I took when I was in Virginia at B's request to come rescue him when he was going through his first psychotic episode a few years ago. I was so shocked by his behavior, and I knew that he would not remember later on how he was acting, so I surreptitiously made the recordings on my laptop to capture him talking to himself and at one point it got some of his pacing on video. The hope was that he might be so disturbed by it that he would never want to be like that again.
I thought that I had lost the videos and I haven't seen them since back then. I watched them this morning, wondering if they might still serve some purpose in the future. I had also found a picture of him and me from 2009 that I posted on facebook. Within an hour or so of posting it, he called me to chit chat. It felt a little awkward because he again mentioned visiting me, but I suggested instead that I visit him at his mom's when he visits her as she lives about and hour and half from me. I don't want him to feel comfortable enough calling upon me when he is in crisis again, as I had asserted that boundary when he had first gone to jail a few years ago. I feel like because I had gone down to where he was in crisis last summer to help him through some of that, he might think that I have re-opened that door. I want it to remain shut.
I will try to communicate this to him, gently, in a letter but I am not sure how.
I thought that I had lost the videos and I haven't seen them since back then. I watched them this morning, wondering if they might still serve some purpose in the future. I had also found a picture of him and me from 2009 that I posted on facebook. Within an hour or so of posting it, he called me to chit chat. It felt a little awkward because he again mentioned visiting me, but I suggested instead that I visit him at his mom's when he visits her as she lives about and hour and half from me. I don't want him to feel comfortable enough calling upon me when he is in crisis again, as I had asserted that boundary when he had first gone to jail a few years ago. I feel like because I had gone down to where he was in crisis last summer to help him through some of that, he might think that I have re-opened that door. I want it to remain shut.
I will try to communicate this to him, gently, in a letter but I am not sure how.
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You are doing the right thing alterity. I know it's super hard b/c you love him so much. I think you should be honest and up front. These are your boundaries, and they are good ones.
Many hugs, I know this is a complicated situation and that it's so hard. I think you have come an amazingly long ways!
Many hugs, I know this is a complicated situation and that it's so hard. I think you have come an amazingly long ways!
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Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my B's hospitalization that started the downward spiral that lasted until December 2015. From January to April, he went through four months of inpatient (28 days rehab then 3 months residential) and then into a sober living house. He has been working and keeping fit and sounds good (I wrote about a couple recent phone conversation he and I had recently) but he's only been "out" for one month now. He's living down at the beach and the season is just starting to kick off, so who knows what is in store this summer.
I just found out that there are al-anon and CODA meetings here in town. I thought the nearest was an hour away! I am planning on going starting next week. I have a feeling that the rollercoaster isn't over.
I just found out that there are al-anon and CODA meetings here in town. I thought the nearest was an hour away! I am planning on going starting next week. I have a feeling that the rollercoaster isn't over.
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My B is coming up on three months since he finished IOP. I haven't seen any activity from him on facebook for over 10 days, which is very unusual for him or at least corresponds with erratic behavior by him, so I have been increasingly worried lately. Sure enough, I got a voicemail from him this morning asking me to call him back. He sounds utterly miserable.
There is a clear progression from the first call he made after getting out of IOP (he sounded very clear, confident, positive, happy) to the second about six weeks or so ago (he sounded okay but definitely not as cheerful) to this one (really bad, depressed, probably in dire straits again). Yes, this rollercoaster is still running, as expected.
I don't want to call him back until tomorrow when my husband will be home. Otherwise, I will have no support to help me deal with whatever it is that is going on. I haven't started going to meetings yet. Wish there was one tonight but there isn't.
Hanging on.... nothing new
There is a clear progression from the first call he made after getting out of IOP (he sounded very clear, confident, positive, happy) to the second about six weeks or so ago (he sounded okay but definitely not as cheerful) to this one (really bad, depressed, probably in dire straits again). Yes, this rollercoaster is still running, as expected.
I don't want to call him back until tomorrow when my husband will be home. Otherwise, I will have no support to help me deal with whatever it is that is going on. I haven't started going to meetings yet. Wish there was one tonight but there isn't.
Hanging on.... nothing new
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