Vale

Vaya,

What you are doing and contemplating doing is
very, VERY hard. It has always been much easier
dispensing advice here on SR than taking my own.
Just know in your deepest heart that each and every
one if us ( regardless of advice given) have nothing but
utmost and deepest respect and empathy for what you
are going through.

vaya

Thank you so much Vale for your understanding. I do not want to make decisions based upon pressure I feel here. I also am not in that great a position to pay $500 month or so, cheap here when most sober livings are $750-$1000 month, knowing the risks. I am trying to give my AS a chance to rebuild his life, keep his job, stick with the clinic, etc....he's not actively using and is not making trouble.....He is happier and his brother is fine about him being here and encourages me to do it to give his brother a chance.
You are right. I even dispense advice to others that is still hard for me to follow myself. Thank you for your empathy and support, regardless of my decision.

MissUs2015

Vaya,
Being somewhat conversant with the "sober"living options, I understand the angst.
What matters is that the house really is sober, not that the addicts are on Ssi etc...

MissUs2015

If you choose to allow as to attempt sober living in your home, as has to accept the rules and verification that you wish. It is your home and your right.
As kind of an off topic,addicted grown men are only sicker when we enable, when we triangulate.

irisgardens

Dearest vaya...i wrote two responses on saturday with my own experience over 20 years (3 daughters...2 now living sober lives...functional, working, raising children and 1 active heroin addict). Both times the messages got lost...so reaching out today to let you know that we all have to learn our own ways, but to give money, shelter when they were using, or anything else when they were unwilling to do their own steps was what I had to learn.

Went all the way down...financially...but am starting over...and that didn't change anything with the kids (now adults) who still show addict behavioral traits even when not using...blame (mom in this case and many addicts in my family seemingly is the target, but it is probably her own long time (at least 40 years, probably longer) drinking and NPD like behavior), not helping me when I am down and out...rather...attacking with angry and blame on me rather than accountability for their actions...or willingness to do recovery work to work on those behaviors). Hope that you will be able to take some steps...this time...or the next turn of the wheel...before you are the one who goes down. Know many mothers of addicts (active) and they come to experience addiction collateral damage...RA, heart issues, stress issues (me) among other stress related diseases.

Please also know that I had my 2nd daughter (who might have been still using although on the path to sober and functional) come back to my house and live for 7 years with her twin daughters (what triggered her to sobriety in drug use if not behavior or drinking...now is working on drinking...girls almost 10) while she finished school. It was the best choice could make in the moment.

Do not regret what I did (worked with doctors, therapists and recovery groups, etc...so nothing in a vacuum); although did lose my own boundaries during parts of each one and had to regroup...also it was and is very necessary to work on my own recovery through all of the above and now...and continue to do that.

My current addict moved out on her own...lives in the worst area of San Francisco and pays $750/month in rent for one room...it is awful...but she will not leave and hopefully, what she says about going to a methadone clinic is true...I hope it is...so, as vale said...our own experiences are what help us to learn and grow...and not telling you what to do...saw your last post and it was heartening.

Sending you love and hugs and support. Please take care of you, though, as I have had some real bottoms and they are frightening and take a while to come back from (months and years, not days and weeks).

Ilovemysonjj

Dear Vaya, Please be very watchful of your son. I learned (through several "misses" ) that JJ's stay in our home was both emotionally draining and fear filled. I lived in fear daily about his state of mind, and in my case, he found it SO EASY to slip right back into not being accountable, untrustworthy, and active addiction.

I really believe that his being out of my home is the very first step towards his sobriety (or not), but it is truly my first step of recovery.

Please set some boundaries and STICK to them with your son.
Hugs,
TT

vaya

Thank you again for your posts. Very helpful. The honeymoon is coming to an end and AS is feeling more comfortable, I kind of prefer having him know not to get too comfortable and know he can go back to a sober living. However, he can be emotionally draining at times, whether or not he is actually doing anything.. He is still quite needy and is getting more worked up lately about the job and things. it's so different with an addict in the house. My younger son and I usually respect eachother's space generally and if we disagree it's over quickly. He's just much easier to be around. We talk, laugh, share, or otherwise give each other space in this small single apt. AS is either tired and sleepy from getting up early and methadone, or silly and laughing, or otherwise, lately, getting more agitated about things. Just seems to need more attention generally , not to mention the steps I'm taking to drive him to clinic before work and on my days off! It is more exhausting with him here. Have told him clearly what the boundaries are and consequences. Now I hope I have the strength and courage to follow through. It seems that the further away the possibility of sober living becomes for him the more he may feel he doesn't have to go. Definitely no clear cut answers here..... cannot be long term....taking it day by day now. I know it is affecting me and I haven't been to a meeting. should have gone tonight, but somewhat ashamed of my choice at this time. Much inner conflict....must pray....reflect, many mixed emotions.

Ilovemysonjj

Vaya, don't be ashamed of your choice! You NEED the meeting and the support from those who are all walking the mile with you. A question: Can you get your son public transportation and make him be accountable to get to the clinic on his own? I know from my past, I was always offering to take JJ to meetings, job interviews, etc. He took everything for granted. He didn't understand (my selfishness) that I was trying to help him get on his feet, he just assumed I would do these things!

vaya

Clinic is right down the street, aobut 10 minutes away, from where I work which is 17 miles away from home. It would be pretty impossible for him to get there from here in time to also get to work. I don't mind on days I go to work, but it is a strain on my days off. He does take the bus to work either from there or from my work and often takes the bus home, which is a good hour-1.5 hr ride. He is having to take on more responsibility for buying his own cigarettes and will be paying his phone bill now that he's working. Hoping if he sticks with clinic he can get take homes for weekend. He is making progress, although it isn ot complete perfection.

irisgardens

Vaya, it is so good to understand that you are very aware of the consequences of the choices made...on you...and please know that you do not need to feel ashamed (go through that too and it just rips me apart from the inside out)...you have forgiven so much in your son (& probably so many others)...just give yourself a bit of that...and know that you have support streaming into you from many, including myself. A meeting will help...trying to get to one myself as I saw my addict daughter for mothers' day (as usual, it destroyed family plans with the others...as she couldn't/wouldn't or didn't go to meet the family and I chose to stay with her so need to live with the consequences of that choice which means harsh feelings towards me (from me for sure...and in the past...blame from the others...so why would anything change...it comes out when they are unwilling or unable to stand with me) for not being there for the rest)...and I paid her remaining rent (directly to transient hotel person...but nonetheless...had not enabled since December of 2013 and before that not with money at all...experience with the others)...and by Sunday night, she was texting and calling to ask me to release an 'extra' $10 that she thought was available...did not do this nor did I explain; had already told her it was a one-time thing...and it will remain the exception...as know what she can do with $10 and know the level of desperation and know that she chooses her living situation (she has been clear about that...although her reasons are not smart nor intelligent...but then, nothing about drug addiction is). Would break my heart again if not working to survive financially...so all is good...as being desperate can create good change in me and need to do that. You reminded me that a meeting would be good and I will work to go today although work has me exhausted. Take good care of you and know that am walking by your side...you know what you are dealing with...and you are working on you...for the rest...it is one step at a time...and your steps are different than mine. Sending care and positive thoughts.

SadWife7

Some of this is hard for me. As the spouse of an addict currently in recovery, it is easy for me to say "Let them figure it out." I am about the only spouse in a group I go to, everyone else has addict children. I am the same age, and I can pay my bills and find my own housing and make decisions in my life, and after I kicked my husband out and he decided to make some changes and move forward and keep a job and help pay bills and raise our children, so I know an addict is capable of taking care of themselves, so it is hard for me to hear the "I looked for housing for my child because..." "we are paying this as long as..." "WE want him to go to this program" "I spent all day on the phone looking for help for HIM" "I left work early and drove across the state so that HE..." Don't get me wrong, I get it. I'd love it if my husband found a sponsor and went to meetings. But....That's on him. I can't make him. It's a waste of my time and energy to try. I realized very quickly that if an ADDICT DOESN'T WANT HELP YOU CAN'T HELP THEM. and if they do want help they'll find it.
I don't really do the god thing, but our counselor told us "they are god's children. You get to take care of them for awhile, and then they are god's." and it seemed to help some of the parents there. You put in 18+ years....time to parent is done. They are adults, they need to learn to be adults, and they won't if they don't have the opportunity to do so.
It just makes me sad. I'm a mom. To spend 4 years fighting your sons war... it SUCKS that you can't fix it. But, should the rest of YOUR life revolve around HIS choices?