AwifeinAL

My husband is a drug addict. He will not admit this but I have discovered missing money, texts, drug paraphernalia, uncovered COUNTLESS lies, etc. In January of 2015 he admitted that he was addicted to prescription painkillers. He went to one meeting and then decided he wasn't an "addict" but just had a bad doctor who prescribed him too many pills to which he had become "physically" addicted. He had lost his job and I think hit a low point. After 6 months he found employment that took him out of state. The months he was away I believe he took up his addiction again. However, as I was dealing with abuse and legal issues concerning my children from a previous marriage and because he was gone I did not have to face a lot of what was going on with him. Last December I gave birth to our daughter. He quit his job when she was born and now "works" for his dad here where we live. He lies constantly. We are always a month behind on our bills. Utilities have gotten shut off. No matter what he gets caught doing, no matter how awful (and it's been as bad as you can imagine), he never accepts any responsibility and it's usually someone else's fault (specifically mine). To make matters worse he is unbelievably delusional. He sleeps ALL THE TIME (because his "employment" with his dad is not a real job) but complains that he's so tired because he's "working day and night". I have no real concept of what he makes because he has destroyed our finances to a degree that we no longer have a bank account and his dad pays him in cash. I do know that he spends money on drugs when we barely have enough to feed our children. He belittles me constantly in a very passive aggressive way and any time I comfront him with evidence of his lies or drug use he verbally abuses me and uses things he knows will hurt me against me. For instance, I am a stay at home mom and have a disability. He uses my disability and the fact that I can't work to make me feel our financial troubles are my fault. I cannot trust him or rely on him in any of the ways a spouse should be able to rely on their significant other. I worry about how all of this is affecting our young children. I often feel angry and frustrated to the point of exhaustion. He is a master manipulator and even though I am aware that he manipulates me I often feel helpless to stop it. I feel like I am locked into this nightmare relationship and am losing my mind because of it. There's no talking to, or reasoning with him because he's insane and trying to deal with him makes me feel insane. I'm so tired of this lying liar that lies constantly...most days I think I hate him. I am not currently in a place or position to just leave. How can I cope so I don't lose myself in this toxic relationship?

Seren

Good morning, AwifeinAL! I'm so glad you found us, but just so sorry you needed to.

You will find lots of support and shared wisdom here!

I'm have moved your thread into the Friends and Family of Substance Abusers forum where it will get the attention it deserves from people who truly understand what it's like to live with someone whose life revolves around drugs.

Welcome, again!

atalose

If children were not involved in this toxic situation I would say it’s your choice to stay in the burning house because you are not currently in a place or position to leave.

BUT there are children involved, children who may or may not have food to eat, heat/hot water or electricity.

This house is on fire………………..coping with it is not in the best interest of these children.

anxiouswife2

your story resonates so much with mine.

just for alittle background - i had no idea about my exhusbands addiction either. it was narcotics for almost 2 years. a stint in rehab, and he was home for 2 weeks before i found a prescription in the console of his truck. cue the insanity again - him lying, stealing money, covering up for stealing money, spending nights at "work" because "i was too involved in his life", sleeping for days at a time because he was perpetually "coming down with something." and i BELIEVED it. i honestly thought one day i'd find out my husband was terminally ill. well - he is, but its called being an opiate addict...

i cant tell you what to do but i will gently offer that unless a miracle happens & he gets serious about recovery (whcih seems like along way off considering he doesnt sound like he's really confronting whats happening) your life will continue to be a chaotic, heartbreaking soap opera.

I "left" a few times before i really left. I checked out months before i actually left, because i had to. to save my own sanity. when you're done, you'll know it. and you'll make different arrangements. because it doesnt sound like your present ones are good for your OR your kids. sending lots of hugs your way. find joy in your babies & try to keep focused on whats best for YOU and them.

FeelingGreat

Wife, I'm very sorry for your situation and the stress it must be causing you. It's outrageous that your utilities are being shut off while he spends your income on drugs.
Seeing your ultimate source of income are your in-laws is it possible they pay a portion of his salary directly to you? Do you have a relationship that will allow you to tell them your situation? I can't imagine them standing by when the power is cut off, even just for their GC's sake. Your AH might want you to keep his addiction a secret, because secrecy is the addict's friend, but you don't have to agree to that.
Are there any social services you can access locally to see what your rights are, and how your AH can be required to make provision for the children? How about your own family? Are they in the picture?

AwifeinAL

I'll try and answer your questions the best I can and be as short as possible. My husband's parents are divorced. His mother and step-father live far away. His father, my FIL, is the current owner of the company. Sadly he is a terrible human being. He was an abusive drug addict all the time my husband was growing up. I believe he enables his son and their relationship is very sick/dysfunctional. He encourages his son's belief that I am the source of his problems and his solution to his son's problems is that he leave me and his children and live with him. I have cut my FIL out of my and my children's lives as much as possible and have little to do with him. As for my other in laws I am confident they do not know the reality of the situation. However, I am not close with any of them and though I have contemplated reaching out to them I fear their and my husband's reactions if I did. My family of origin all live in other states and though they have helped me some their resources are litmited. Additionally I feel they believe that any financial assistance they could provide would continue to enable the situation. I have begun to make mental preparations for leaving, though not being able to provide for the children puts me in fear of losing my two older children to their father (previous marriage) who is also a toxic person with substance abuse issues, in addition to other issues I won't go into. I have applied for food assistance and Utility assistance. Though the utility program in my state only assists with electricity and the max amount they can take off your bill each month is $15. I have sought out some assistance from religious organizations as well. I know that there is coming a time when no matter what, I may have to leave. Until then I am looking for tools to cope and not continually get sucked into his madness. Constantly being lied to and about is extremely frustrating. My husband takes it a step further by blaming me for his bad behavior and continually turning situations back on me. It's hard to explain what I'm taking about, but I'm positive it is manipulation at it's best. He has turned manipulation into an art. He's also very good at painting himself as the victim to outsiders. I watch him spin his lies to others and they eat it up like birthday cake. Ex: He's exhausted taking care of his disabled wife and children and that's what causes his "health" issues. Or If I (me, the disabled wife) could just earn an income everything would be ok. He even lies and tells people he's sick or taking care of a sick child (when he nor any of the children have been sick) and that's why he can't go to work or whatever he's avoiding when he sleeps all day. He does this so consistently and artfully that he receives a lot of pity and concern from friends/relatives/etc. The outcome is I feel even more alone and without someone to turn to. I feel very ashamed about my disability and this behavior amplifies these feelings. I've started making some steps to go outside of our nuclear unit for help. I guess I'm just trying to figure out how to interact with him on a day to day basis that causes the least damage to myself and our children.