AS back in house temporarily-am I crazy?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
AS back in house temporarily-am I crazy?
AS didn't 'make it' in sober living due to paraphernalia found there and had previously been using and stopped up the toilet. he would have tested clean, since he decided to go back to methadone clinic.
BAck to present: AS has a new job for 3 weeks now, goes to methadone clinic, and has not been using. Knows he'll have to go back to a different sober living or other housing situation since he can't stay here. I don't want to risk problems with management (again).
He's calm, discreet, and behaving. Knows his using and behavior got me kicked out of last place.
Here's my dilemma.....1. New Sober living near clinice costs $450 mo. with no refund options ($450 is awesome price in Los Angeles)
2. Sober living is in ghetto in So LA and most guys in houses are court ordered or on SSI.Some of the guys really do look crazy. House has restrictions for many there, sounding more like rehab than sober living. My AS has to be able to leave and go to clinic and work daily. They don't know about clinic- many places don't approve.
3. If this place no good there is another place under construction above a church that is ok- less amenities, but a little more relaxed but still no drug policy.
4. My dilemma- having mixed feelings about spending $$ for another ghetto sober living that doesn't have the best influence for him, yet on other hand, he has blown rehab and sober living already.....Don't want to enable. Yes I am trying to help him- give him a chance to stay off drugs and keep job for very limited time.
Today's the day he is supposed to check into sober living there. I have mixed feeling since not a lot of up front or clear info on their part. Am willing to consider working with him on affordable housing options or other rented private room, but won't wait forever and don't want to jeopardize where I live now.
There is the church place if he doesn't stay clean or if it becomes too risky for me with management.
On the other hand...will have to give ultimatum about time frame for him to move out ( 2 weeks or so) into whichever situation available.)
At this point I'd just as soon spend the $450+ on a room for rent and not risk losing it as with a sober living.
Am I crazy to give him more chances? he is behaving, going to clinic, working, no drama, etc ?
BAck to present: AS has a new job for 3 weeks now, goes to methadone clinic, and has not been using. Knows he'll have to go back to a different sober living or other housing situation since he can't stay here. I don't want to risk problems with management (again).
He's calm, discreet, and behaving. Knows his using and behavior got me kicked out of last place.
Here's my dilemma.....1. New Sober living near clinice costs $450 mo. with no refund options ($450 is awesome price in Los Angeles)
2. Sober living is in ghetto in So LA and most guys in houses are court ordered or on SSI.Some of the guys really do look crazy. House has restrictions for many there, sounding more like rehab than sober living. My AS has to be able to leave and go to clinic and work daily. They don't know about clinic- many places don't approve.
3. If this place no good there is another place under construction above a church that is ok- less amenities, but a little more relaxed but still no drug policy.
4. My dilemma- having mixed feelings about spending $$ for another ghetto sober living that doesn't have the best influence for him, yet on other hand, he has blown rehab and sober living already.....Don't want to enable. Yes I am trying to help him- give him a chance to stay off drugs and keep job for very limited time.
Today's the day he is supposed to check into sober living there. I have mixed feeling since not a lot of up front or clear info on their part. Am willing to consider working with him on affordable housing options or other rented private room, but won't wait forever and don't want to jeopardize where I live now.
There is the church place if he doesn't stay clean or if it becomes too risky for me with management.
On the other hand...will have to give ultimatum about time frame for him to move out ( 2 weeks or so) into whichever situation available.)
At this point I'd just as soon spend the $450+ on a room for rent and not risk losing it as with a sober living.
Am I crazy to give him more chances? he is behaving, going to clinic, working, no drama, etc ?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Dear Vaya, I have always said I would be there and support JJ when he is sober. The hard part is when he uses again. I have put my emotional currency back into play and then it is very very hard to disengage. I am very happy to hear your son is doing better. You can always let him know that your offer for support is for one month, that way when the next rent comes due, he will need to pay for that.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
I agree with Teresa. If it makes you feel better and you can afford it, go ahead. Anything is better than him living at home, and your one month of support gives him a solid deadline. My RAD didn't feel pressed into finding her own place until I said she only had one more month.
Take care, you are doing great, Vaya. Hang in there.
Take care, you are doing great, Vaya. Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
what if...........you just let HIM deal with this? he has a job, has been clean for a few weeks, but also got himself kicked out of his last sober housing. why not let HIM worry about the $450 a month, or where HE is going to stay? let HIM worry about the restrictions....the rules.....however upscale or not the living place is?
if every time he gets in a bind, mom comes swooping in again, how is he ever going to figure stuff out for himself? land on his own two feet, man up?
if every time he gets in a bind, mom comes swooping in again, how is he ever going to figure stuff out for himself? land on his own two feet, man up?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Thank you for you responses. I hear all sides of what you say. I also know I have to follow my gut. Not sure we'll go to the sober living I had mixed feelings about. Not so much because of where or how it is, but because of lack of clarity from them about guidelines/structures/ their curtness with me upon my inquiries and other. it would be wonderfully convenient for him to get to clinic, but not sure it's a good fit. Would rather see him at church setting, which is much more humane, even though many less amenities and conveniences. I do know he has to learn how to get out of situations he creates, but I am willing to support him somewhat and for a limited time as long as he's doing the right thing and staying sober. I just have to be careful to what extent and how long and at what cost or risk to me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Vaya I guarantee you are doing all the fretting and worrying here, not him. He's got a job, time for him to pull up his big boy pants and figure out his own life as an adult. Why are you jeopardizing your own place to live if he's already proven to you how he can destroy that?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Thank you Refiner. You are absolutely right. He is just waiting for me to come up with a solution and why would he be motivated to do so if I am taking care of everything.? I'm not particularly fond of how sober livings work, but then again, if he's doing what he's supposed to do it shouldn't be a problem. he does have legitimate anxiety & depression problems. also getting to the clinic for his dose & getting to work on time is a legitimate challenge, as well as finding out if sober living will accept him on methadone. I'm not making excuses. I also know I have to be careful at what cost to myself do I make it ok for him. he's been homeless and wasn't allowed in the house for the last year. He did do some rehab, 2months at each place and a sober living for about 3+weeks. He isn't making any trouble, goes to work m-f, leaves with me in the early am, getting up at 5:30am so he can go to clinic. yes, it's easier for him this way, I know. but, he is working full time at a minimum wage job for 3 weeks now, going to the clinic for about a month on his own volition. I think it's a good start, but there is a limit to it because I don't want to jeopardize my situation. He has been calm, quiet, helpful, bought some food for the house now that he got his food stamps back. He was an emotional wreck before. he has been going to mental health clinic on his own, until recently since he works 8-5 daily. He isn't just loafing around and shooting dope in my house at night. It's a good start for the time being....but not for always, definitely.
You have a good point....and I do have to be careful of what I am doing for him, vs what he can and should do for himself.
You have a good point....and I do have to be careful of what I am doing for him, vs what he can and should do for himself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
vaya, this was your post back on 04-15-2011 - FOUR YEARS AGO - same son, same problems. same you trying to find solutions FOR HIM. and it sounds like you could have written it YESTERDAY.
My 23yr old AS is in court ordered outpatient and was ordered to stay with me. He has/is addicted to heroin. He has been off heroin for about 4 months and has been testing clean, going to group, meetings, drug court.
The problem is I've found him smoking what I am pretty sure is 'Spice' or 'K2 incense' . I've found a pipe on him and empty packets in his pockets. I've told him to stop and told him he can't smoke that in my house.
He's back to the old patterns he was in when he was shooting dope....lying, going through money too quickly, disappearing into the bathroom for extended period and smoking the stuff, etc. I told him that it looks a lot like some of the old stuff, but with a new substance and he should really think about whether of not this will help his recovery.
I also told him I would have to ask him to leave if he keeps doing it. I don't want him to have to leave again and I told him he needs to break out of the old stuff. I really don't know if this program is doing that much for him, in terms of really changing some old habits and ways, or maybe I'm expecting too much too soon.
What is really bugging me is that it's getting to me and messing with my emotions and peace of mind, just like before. I hoped he was more reachable now that he's not using heroin, but he really doesn't want to talk about it. He feels as long as he tests clean he's ok. (This stuff doesn't show up on drug tests, which is what makes it so popular.)
He's in the program for a year, (8 months to go). He's bored to tears, which may have contributed to his using, since he's not allowed to work or take classes until 2 or 3 months have passed, depending on his progress.
It really seems like the same old stuff all over again, but less severe. I know change takes time and I am glad he's not using heroin now, but feel really imposed upon by him by continuing to do this.
It doesn't help that his younger 19yr old brother smokes weed, but respects my rule that he not use it here.
Both kids were with their pot smoking, coke snorting, beer drinking dad for the last five year and were regularly exposed to it. Dad feels pot is ok, So I'm really fighting an uphill battle.
I do have some beer now and then, which I'm even conflicted about doing in his presence.
I have taken away computer use from him when he's smoked this stuff.
I know it doesn't seem like he's fully committed to his recovery right now, but is trying to at least stay off heroin.
There isn't anywhere else he can really go. Inpatient is full. I don't want to tell his counselor's on him. they don't really care that much. They're so inundated with so many court referrals and they mainly track drug tests, meeting attendance, etc.
I hate being in this position. I wish he'd get a sponsor and be honest with himself.
I know I can't control him or make him want to stop, but I am putting my foot down more about this situation. I told him I won't give him any money if he blows his GR early, which he did this month. (Went through about $180 or so in a week!!!)
I know this site is about what I need to do for me, but I still have to deal with the situation at hand.
My 23yr old AS is in court ordered outpatient and was ordered to stay with me. He has/is addicted to heroin. He has been off heroin for about 4 months and has been testing clean, going to group, meetings, drug court.
The problem is I've found him smoking what I am pretty sure is 'Spice' or 'K2 incense' . I've found a pipe on him and empty packets in his pockets. I've told him to stop and told him he can't smoke that in my house.
He's back to the old patterns he was in when he was shooting dope....lying, going through money too quickly, disappearing into the bathroom for extended period and smoking the stuff, etc. I told him that it looks a lot like some of the old stuff, but with a new substance and he should really think about whether of not this will help his recovery.
I also told him I would have to ask him to leave if he keeps doing it. I don't want him to have to leave again and I told him he needs to break out of the old stuff. I really don't know if this program is doing that much for him, in terms of really changing some old habits and ways, or maybe I'm expecting too much too soon.
What is really bugging me is that it's getting to me and messing with my emotions and peace of mind, just like before. I hoped he was more reachable now that he's not using heroin, but he really doesn't want to talk about it. He feels as long as he tests clean he's ok. (This stuff doesn't show up on drug tests, which is what makes it so popular.)
He's in the program for a year, (8 months to go). He's bored to tears, which may have contributed to his using, since he's not allowed to work or take classes until 2 or 3 months have passed, depending on his progress.
It really seems like the same old stuff all over again, but less severe. I know change takes time and I am glad he's not using heroin now, but feel really imposed upon by him by continuing to do this.
It doesn't help that his younger 19yr old brother smokes weed, but respects my rule that he not use it here.
Both kids were with their pot smoking, coke snorting, beer drinking dad for the last five year and were regularly exposed to it. Dad feels pot is ok, So I'm really fighting an uphill battle.
I do have some beer now and then, which I'm even conflicted about doing in his presence.
I have taken away computer use from him when he's smoked this stuff.
I know it doesn't seem like he's fully committed to his recovery right now, but is trying to at least stay off heroin.
There isn't anywhere else he can really go. Inpatient is full. I don't want to tell his counselor's on him. they don't really care that much. They're so inundated with so many court referrals and they mainly track drug tests, meeting attendance, etc.
I hate being in this position. I wish he'd get a sponsor and be honest with himself.
I know I can't control him or make him want to stop, but I am putting my foot down more about this situation. I told him I won't give him any money if he blows his GR early, which he did this month. (Went through about $180 or so in a week!!!)
I know this site is about what I need to do for me, but I still have to deal with the situation at hand.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Someone from my FA group asked me if to consider for whom I was doing this: him or me and to think of what is best for me, so I appreciate your response Zoso. In my heart I know I cannot live with this for too long because I am already checking pockets and monitoring more than I would like. It's not healthy for me. On the other hand, I am willing to help him for the moment, but cannot extend it much more, or it will become a problem. It is too easy for him to use when he's with me and it does not foster his independence. For the moment of these last 3 weeks I've been helping him so he could get to work. Transportation to clinic and work is challenging, but not impossible. He will have to deal with it soon. I do have an agenda of hoping he'll stay on his methadone, because it does help him. However, I have to be careful about my expectations and controlling outcome. I know this. I am also not wealthy and can't afford the best sober livings or programs like some of the people on this site seem to do. I am a single parent too and we live in a 1 room studio. I am trying to find a sober living that will facilitate his continued recovery and make it feasible for him to get to the clinic and work. We will make that transition this weekend. I just hope I don't lose money on it. Sober livings can be tricky and a money making proposition....there's no refund when an addict uses, yet that's what they do. If everyone kicks the addict out when they slip, yet knowing addicts do slip, does it really help??? In whatever case, it will be better for me and for him when he goes and right now sober living is the best and only option.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Vaya, I hope your son has luck with a good sober living situation soon. I have heard recently of some SLEs that allow a client to stay even after a relapse, of course, under certain situations & guidance by the house counselors. You might be the best person to ask that question.
Remember, no matter what anyone says, you are doing the best you can do in this moment. Last night at my NarAnon meeting someone shared this quote: "Please don't judge me by my past. I don't live there anymore." Many of us have been in your shoes--we repeat mistakes, learn hard lessons, and come through the other side a bit wiser and hopefully more serene. This is my wish for you today. You seem to be on that path & I am here waving you on!
Remember, no matter what anyone says, you are doing the best you can do in this moment. Last night at my NarAnon meeting someone shared this quote: "Please don't judge me by my past. I don't live there anymore." Many of us have been in your shoes--we repeat mistakes, learn hard lessons, and come through the other side a bit wiser and hopefully more serene. This is my wish for you today. You seem to be on that path & I am here waving you on!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i can understand the mother in you doing what are are. the thing of it is, your son has got to take responsibality of himself. rise or fall HE needs to do this. do not risk being thrown out of your place because of him. that is creating problems for you. i did that once when my son was young. i own my moble home & the land lord told me i had to move it. he wanted me gone because i let my son come there. it was not worth it. i had to sell it because i could not find any land to put it on. it was a terrible thing for me & it did not do any good for him. he continued to use & get in trouble. let him pick up the pieces of his life. go to meetings & learn all u can. we have been where u r. sending prayers for u & for him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
My AS did cause me to have to leave my last place when he was staying with me because of his behavior and was emotionally out of control. I would have been evicted but settled to move out within 30 days to avoid that on my record. He knew he had to leave but when he did not the management put their foot down as a result.
While he is presenting differently at this time, I still don't want to risk having him here off the lease or risk other problems. My younger son is here too, whom I did sort of sneak in. My AS has a lot of resentment about younger son here, but it's a different situation.
After all I've been through and all I know, I am feeling those mommy strings even worse now, especially since he's going to clinic and working and doing better. He hasn't been perfect while here in terms of using and has slipped a couple times. I know he's really not committed to being done yet, although he wants to do better.
At least this time, I am doing it more for me than for him in terms of having him go into a sober living. I don't want to have to worry or cross examine him or check pockets, etc.... and I'm not strong enough to have him stay here and not do that. Not sure why I'm torn...guess mostly the money and perhaps the belief that I can help him keep it together when I am here.
Anyway, we'll most likely have him go into the church place this weekend. The place next to the clinic doesn't return calls and have been frustrating. I was ready to have him go there 2 weeks ago, but they told me he had to wait for a bed, since we came a couple days later than originally planned.
I'm also letting my fear of him not continuing with clinic on his own if he has to take a bus there and then go to work after influence my decisions. He is doing better since the clinic. I did let him live in the streets and he did have it bad, but agreed to go to rehab and tried for 4 months.
However, I know he has to take responsibility for what he needs to do or not do. I cannot manage him and his life for him. If I don't go through with the sober living this weekend, he will probably continue to manipulate me and doubt I'll follow through.
While he is presenting differently at this time, I still don't want to risk having him here off the lease or risk other problems. My younger son is here too, whom I did sort of sneak in. My AS has a lot of resentment about younger son here, but it's a different situation.
After all I've been through and all I know, I am feeling those mommy strings even worse now, especially since he's going to clinic and working and doing better. He hasn't been perfect while here in terms of using and has slipped a couple times. I know he's really not committed to being done yet, although he wants to do better.
At least this time, I am doing it more for me than for him in terms of having him go into a sober living. I don't want to have to worry or cross examine him or check pockets, etc.... and I'm not strong enough to have him stay here and not do that. Not sure why I'm torn...guess mostly the money and perhaps the belief that I can help him keep it together when I am here.
Anyway, we'll most likely have him go into the church place this weekend. The place next to the clinic doesn't return calls and have been frustrating. I was ready to have him go there 2 weeks ago, but they told me he had to wait for a bed, since we came a couple days later than originally planned.
I'm also letting my fear of him not continuing with clinic on his own if he has to take a bus there and then go to work after influence my decisions. He is doing better since the clinic. I did let him live in the streets and he did have it bad, but agreed to go to rehab and tried for 4 months.
However, I know he has to take responsibility for what he needs to do or not do. I cannot manage him and his life for him. If I don't go through with the sober living this weekend, he will probably continue to manipulate me and doubt I'll follow through.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
I really do appreciate you're messages and understanding where I am at. The last thing I want to do is act because it's what I should do or what everyone here feels I should do. That's why I trying to get in touch with my needs, wants, etc....I love my son and love seeing him get stronger and progress in many ways, despite some setbacks.
Thank you for understanding my struggle and for your prayers and positive thoughts.
Thank you for understanding my struggle and for your prayers and positive thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
Vaya
You have responses from both sides of the fence. Everyone supports you and no judgments placed. We would all like to think we would do this or do that in each situation but truly, until we are there - we cannot know.
I never saw myself helping someone get to the point when they wanted help. I never saw myself giving any money to help so that they were not sick or to have food and clothes because they spent every dollar on drugs.
But it happened. And after 3 years, he passed away.
I miss him so much every single day. Every hour. I start to cry many times during each day, no matter where I am. It is painful.
but I don't miss any of the worry, stress, habits (monitoring, tracking, obsessing, nagging). I don't miss not having all of my money or doing without to keep him from being so sick. The endless research and calls and stressing each day about everything to do with him. It robbed me of three years and causes numerous medical issues. Lack of sleep being the worst I think.
You will help until it kills you. But please try to see that you are not helping him. He needs to learn to take care of himself. Seek help. Have his own living space. We are all good hearted people. We love those we care about. He is your son. Your flesh.
I believe our job is to teach our children how to survive without us in the world. How will your son do that if you are no longer around ? I am saying a prayer for you and for your son. I can only say that the peace that I feel now, is as important as breathing, as the sun, air and water. It is incredible.
I want you to feel this.
You have responses from both sides of the fence. Everyone supports you and no judgments placed. We would all like to think we would do this or do that in each situation but truly, until we are there - we cannot know.
I never saw myself helping someone get to the point when they wanted help. I never saw myself giving any money to help so that they were not sick or to have food and clothes because they spent every dollar on drugs.
But it happened. And after 3 years, he passed away.
I miss him so much every single day. Every hour. I start to cry many times during each day, no matter where I am. It is painful.
but I don't miss any of the worry, stress, habits (monitoring, tracking, obsessing, nagging). I don't miss not having all of my money or doing without to keep him from being so sick. The endless research and calls and stressing each day about everything to do with him. It robbed me of three years and causes numerous medical issues. Lack of sleep being the worst I think.
You will help until it kills you. But please try to see that you are not helping him. He needs to learn to take care of himself. Seek help. Have his own living space. We are all good hearted people. We love those we care about. He is your son. Your flesh.
I believe our job is to teach our children how to survive without us in the world. How will your son do that if you are no longer around ? I am saying a prayer for you and for your son. I can only say that the peace that I feel now, is as important as breathing, as the sun, air and water. It is incredible.
I want you to feel this.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Hello Vaya
I really feel for you. It is so extremely hard when it is our children. For many years I have enabled my son, ( it took along time to see it) by giving him shelter and money. he stole & lied from his family to only blame them for him doing so. Craziness!! It took my eldest son screaming at me to stop 'interfering in my sons life' that got me to stop.
Seriously Vaya, once I stopped giving him money and a place to fall he eventually started looking for help in many ways. I was amazed to say, but relieved at the same time. he is a meth addict and it has killed my soul. To watch him destroy his life!
I get where you are at, but in the end it will take over your life and you will forget who you are in your life. I really understand. Once I began thinking a little bit more about me, I realized it wasn't all about my son at all.
I wish you well and hope it all works out for you.
I really feel for you. It is so extremely hard when it is our children. For many years I have enabled my son, ( it took along time to see it) by giving him shelter and money. he stole & lied from his family to only blame them for him doing so. Craziness!! It took my eldest son screaming at me to stop 'interfering in my sons life' that got me to stop.
Seriously Vaya, once I stopped giving him money and a place to fall he eventually started looking for help in many ways. I was amazed to say, but relieved at the same time. he is a meth addict and it has killed my soul. To watch him destroy his life!
I get where you are at, but in the end it will take over your life and you will forget who you are in your life. I really understand. Once I began thinking a little bit more about me, I realized it wasn't all about my son at all.
I wish you well and hope it all works out for you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 203
It takes tremendous strength and resolve to allow your kids to suffer the consequences of their decisions. But it only needs to happen once for them to "understand".
Rushing in to "fix" the problem may give the parent immediate relief but in the end, please know that the parent will eventually fall. The load of carrying an adult child on your back becomes more and more painful with every step. And when the parent does fall.....the child won't know how to pick himself up.
Rushing in to "fix" the problem may give the parent immediate relief but in the end, please know that the parent will eventually fall. The load of carrying an adult child on your back becomes more and more painful with every step. And when the parent does fall.....the child won't know how to pick himself up.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
