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Steps forward or backwards?

Old 02-19-2015, 03:56 PM
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Steps forward or backwards?

My addict BF finally admitted ALL the wrong doing he's been hiding from me... Lying, cheating, drugs, drinking, etc.. and that's it been going on for around a year. He's very ashamed of himself and embarrassed. Says he doesn't want to become a joke to me. Even said some very hurtful things to me ( I think more out of his insecurities and his shame )

I've just had to go get STD testing, as he recommended it to me due to his behavior. I won't get the results back until next week.

He has deleted all his old drug buddies, and I feel that's a step in the right direction. He says it's best we just remain friends for now (and as hard as that is to hear, I know deep down it's the truth). Said that he was going to ask me to marry him before he got hooked again, because to be honest, I thought he didn't even care about me ( and I know they can't care while using ). He was clean and had been for awhile when we met.

He's suicidal right now, full of self hate, self harm (choking himself, etc)... Admit that he has been using meth, and that's something he's never done in the past... Says he's trying to get better, but I'm scared. Just pray for him, because that's all I know to do anymore.

I don't know if this is a step forward or back for him?
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Old 02-19-2015, 04:01 PM
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I don't know if this is a step forward or back for him?
I'm not interested in him.

I'm interested in you.

What do you think? What do you feel? What is best for you?
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Old 02-19-2015, 04:12 PM
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I'm hurt, but somewhat relieved with somethings. I'm embarrassed that I had to go get testing (so embarrassed that I drove to a ER away from where I live). I'm worried I have something awful.

He says he doesn't deserve me, and he's right... I think what happens next to if I keep this person in my life at all is based on his commitment to recovering, and I should keep some distance for now and *try* (as hard as it will be) to focus on myself. I know I can't make him do anything, and it's pointless to worry (but still I will).. It's like he said, he's not the same person I met.
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Old 02-19-2015, 04:26 PM
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Lawrie,

When my AXGF and I broke up, she confessed to cheating with me multiple times with multiple men. The next day, I went to get tested for STDs. And you're right; it's embarrassing. I was pretty embarrassed, too. But there are moments when we have to suck it up and do what we have to do.

Anyways...

We're not couples counselors here...usually. I only give relationship advice when one or both of the following conditions are met: cheating, and physical/emotional abuse. He's a cheater, and his reckless, unconscionable behavior has potentially compromised you. For me, that's a deal breaker, and to be blunt, that should be a deal breaker for you, too.

People say, But I love him/her all the time here. My response? So effin' what? Love is not a life sentence. Just because we love someone doesn't mean we should date or marry them. People break up all the time when drugs aren't in the picture. But once they are, and the usual behaviors rear their ugly head -- lying, cheating, stealing, manipulation -- that's when the most important thing to do in response is to follow our own moral and ethical compass. To wit, is this the person I want to hitch my wagon to?

Is he?
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Old 02-19-2015, 05:24 PM
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Originally Posted by lawrie View Post
My addict BF finally admitted ALL the wrong doing he's been hiding from me... Lying, cheating, drugs, drinking, etc.. and that's it been going on for around a year. He's very ashamed of himself and embarrassed. Says he doesn't want to become a joke to me. Even said some very hurtful things to me ( I think more out of his insecurities and his shame )

I've just had to go get STD testing, as he recommended it to me due to his behavior. I won't get the results back until next week.

He has deleted all his old drug buddies, and I feel that's a step in the right direction. He says it's best we just remain friends for now (and as hard as that is to hear, I know deep down it's the truth). Said that he was going to ask me to marry him before he got hooked again, because to be honest, I thought he didn't even care about me ( and I know they can't care while using ). He was clean and had been for awhile when we met.

He's suicidal right now, full of self hate, self harm (choking himself, etc)... Admit that he has been using meth, and that's something he's never done in the past... Says he's trying to get better, but I'm scared. Just pray for him, because that's all I know to do anymore.

I don't know if this is a step forward or back for him?
Lawrie,

I think its a positive step for him to come to terms with his drug use, and behaviors. And I think as hard as it is, the plan u have in place is probably best for right now. Give him some time to figure out what caused him to begin using again, and what he can do to improve his own life, stop using, become healthier. There are many options these days for treatment and many ways to change up his life and create new healthy habits. Staying away from the drug friends is a great start. I will pray for him, and also send you some comfort too.

I had to be tested for stds too, when my husband was using coke. It was an embarassing and scary thing so I understand. But its best to check and make sure your ok, so I do respect him for being honest with you and encouraging this as hard as I know it is. Im gonna pray your ok too. Mine came out fine, but I worried while I waited. I think its unavoidable.
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Old 02-20-2015, 08:55 PM
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Thanks for the responses both of you.

I know he's put my life at risk now, and that's not cool. I'm not up for anymore threats to my health. I do hope he's changing for the better, but I know that this can go either way... and either way, I refuse to sink with him. If anyone who reads this prays, just keep him in your prayers. I will try to comment back once I get the results of these tests.
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Old 03-01-2015, 10:29 PM
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All of my test have came back, and they are all negative. One will be observed 7 more days, but the 4 day culture was negative. So that's great.

I contacted him and told him. His response was "so that means you're done with me"? I'm thinking, gee thanks for being glad you didn't give me anything and worrying about yourself. :-/ I'm not sure if he was hoping he gave me herpes so I'd "have" to stay with him. (which I wouldn't "have" to stay with anyone no matter)... or if he has something and is not telling me. Anyways, I'm just doing "wellness" checks on him from a distance at the moment (through text). I don't know if he is using or not.
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