Cannot take much more
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Originally Posted by irisgardens 
TF, I can only imagine how hard it is...and manipulations are so hard to withstand for me...and blame as well...which I am struggling to stand up to right now. It seems to be worry, self blame and then rejecting that...but it is like a huge battle within and my head hurts and I feel paralyzed...so am down to basics.
You are an awesome woman...and have been through so much...so you will do what you need here...however, I am reaching out today to let you know that you are loved and supported...and whatever the next step is for you...it will come...as I am trusting that my next step will come (around the big stuff)--so just for today...do something good for you or what you can...bask in the love and support that is going to you and know that you are not alone.
You can do what you need to do...it just may take longer than you would like...your HP has your back and so do I. You are not alone in any of what is going on for you...and you can come here and be yourself...none of us really know what makes us get clear but we just work our programs...and we do the best we can. Me, I am working at not being flooded with stuff that makes me feel more anxious and am focusing on the fact that I have a kitty cat who is fabulous (have always called him care cat--he loves to hug me when I don't feel well) and my loving 20 year old son moved in with me so I am not so very isolated as has been the case for the past 15 months...and I have a doctor who has known me for almost 20 years and always been kind...and despite my lapse in insurance due to the COBRA gap (& not getting the papers or seeing them through the stress)--he wrote me a prescription that I can get filled--he knows I don't want addictive medications...and we have worked together on that...but he wrote me something that will help will the stress and depression and so my higher power made it possible not to delay that for another 4 weeks going through paperwork.
These things are big for me today and today, I am going to work to get out of the house and go look for a 'God Jar' (in my naranon reading yesterday) at a big flea market where I can also be in the sun.
I hope that when you read this message...you know that you have arms around you in a hug...virtual arms but loving arms none the less...and that you will smile, if but for a moment and be gentle with yourself (I have a hard time with that but going down has taught me that I need to be gentle and focus on my health for now and maybe the physical act of the God jar and writing things down will help me not to take them back a bit better...it's a hope anyway).
Love you.
You are an awesome woman...and have been through so much...so you will do what you need here...however, I am reaching out today to let you know that you are loved and supported...and whatever the next step is for you...it will come...as I am trusting that my next step will come (around the big stuff)--so just for today...do something good for you or what you can...bask in the love and support that is going to you and know that you are not alone.
You can do what you need to do...it just may take longer than you would like...your HP has your back and so do I. You are not alone in any of what is going on for you...and you can come here and be yourself...none of us really know what makes us get clear but we just work our programs...and we do the best we can. Me, I am working at not being flooded with stuff that makes me feel more anxious and am focusing on the fact that I have a kitty cat who is fabulous (have always called him care cat--he loves to hug me when I don't feel well) and my loving 20 year old son moved in with me so I am not so very isolated as has been the case for the past 15 months...and I have a doctor who has known me for almost 20 years and always been kind...and despite my lapse in insurance due to the COBRA gap (& not getting the papers or seeing them through the stress)--he wrote me a prescription that I can get filled--he knows I don't want addictive medications...and we have worked together on that...but he wrote me something that will help will the stress and depression and so my higher power made it possible not to delay that for another 4 weeks going through paperwork.
These things are big for me today and today, I am going to work to get out of the house and go look for a 'God Jar' (in my naranon reading yesterday) at a big flea market where I can also be in the sun.
I hope that when you read this message...you know that you have arms around you in a hug...virtual arms but loving arms none the less...and that you will smile, if but for a moment and be gentle with yourself (I have a hard time with that but going down has taught me that I need to be gentle and focus on my health for now and maybe the physical act of the God jar and writing things down will help me not to take them back a bit better...it's a hope anyway).
Love you.
Thank you so much for caring about me. It's been a rough weekend and I'm glad it's almost over.
Life sure throws us some curve balls! As soon as you think you're in the clear, something else happens, addiction related or not. It's what life is all about.
The truth sometimes hurts as much as a lie does. But one thing I do know is that I am cared about...and that I care about others!
I can't always get what I want, and what I want isn't always good for me, right?What I do know is that I can't do this alone. People need people. Even strong people need support! I do need support and I'm very grateful to receive such healthy support that SR has so graciously shown me.
I will rest my mind tonight! Finally some rest.
Thank you SR family and Irisgardens and you, sweet Vale, for sticking by my side! My quacking is in low volume today! And my life is livable!
TF
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
TF....many hugs coming your way. I keep up with this thread. I know you are going through a lot of hardship, but you are truly a different person than you were a year ago. Your strength and your recovery come shining through.
Tight Hugs!!! XXX
Tight Hugs!!! XXX
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear SR Friends and Family,
I've been thinking about how the addicted persons brain works...do opiates take away
any positive emotion that could be left? Any comfort left up there?
All the many months and years I have been in denial, or been judged...
Or when they would cry out from the evils of withdrawal, not understanding
why they hurt so bad?
So I think of those lost days, the time and effort that went on deaf ears,
they don't even remember what happened and what
kind of damage this brain disease caused our family. The family is now broken.
If it wasn't for the kind members of SR, my meetings and my
understanding of this disease, I would no
doubt stand alone in this painful mess, a mess that used to be a family.
Today I got my divorce papers. Should I be surprised?
I'm not surprised my marriage did not survive.
TF
I've been thinking about how the addicted persons brain works...do opiates take away
any positive emotion that could be left? Any comfort left up there?
All the many months and years I have been in denial, or been judged...
Or when they would cry out from the evils of withdrawal, not understanding
why they hurt so bad?
So I think of those lost days, the time and effort that went on deaf ears,
they don't even remember what happened and what
kind of damage this brain disease caused our family. The family is now broken.
If it wasn't for the kind members of SR, my meetings and my
understanding of this disease, I would no
doubt stand alone in this painful mess, a mess that used to be a family.
Today I got my divorce papers. Should I be surprised?
I'm not surprised my marriage did not survive.
TF
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear SR,
Today is better, my hope is stronger.
I was thinking about what today was, this date...for those members who remember me
from last 11/11/13...this was the day my eldest RAD got into that horrific
moped vs SUV accident, she was returning from the Methadone Clinic, it was snowy/sleeting outside, it was in the morning that I remember...
and I got that heart stopping phone call from the Emergency Room,
the call all parents fear....they wouldn't give me details or how bad it was, but said it was bad and I needed to get to the hospital ASAP.
I was 3 hrs away...
her jaw was smashed and needed plates and screws to repair,
brain bleeds, deep, deep facial lacerations and many teeth were either gone or
severely broken...I couldn't tell what was bone or what was a tooth...
I saw my mom and my daughters druggie friend before they let me see my very broken
beloved daughter...I'm telling you, this was a true hitting "Rock Bottom Moment"
like people talk about...many months later...many tears and fears later...
She hasn't touched herion since. So what's my point?
Addicts can and do come back to us
and do and can recover from this evil disease. She had a brain disease and a brain injury
And now with intensive therapy, Suboxone and hitting that Rock Bottom, she is back,
she is alive and she is SOBER.
But, I became a Codie. And I am working on that.
TF
Today is better, my hope is stronger.
I was thinking about what today was, this date...for those members who remember me
from last 11/11/13...this was the day my eldest RAD got into that horrific
moped vs SUV accident, she was returning from the Methadone Clinic, it was snowy/sleeting outside, it was in the morning that I remember...
and I got that heart stopping phone call from the Emergency Room,
the call all parents fear....they wouldn't give me details or how bad it was, but said it was bad and I needed to get to the hospital ASAP.
I was 3 hrs away...
her jaw was smashed and needed plates and screws to repair,
brain bleeds, deep, deep facial lacerations and many teeth were either gone or
severely broken...I couldn't tell what was bone or what was a tooth...
I saw my mom and my daughters druggie friend before they let me see my very broken
beloved daughter...I'm telling you, this was a true hitting "Rock Bottom Moment"
like people talk about...many months later...many tears and fears later...
She hasn't touched herion since. So what's my point?
Addicts can and do come back to us
and do and can recover from this evil disease. She had a brain disease and a brain injury
And now with intensive therapy, Suboxone and hitting that Rock Bottom, she is back,
she is alive and she is SOBER.
But, I became a Codie. And I am working on that.
TF
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Twofish wrote:
>>>>>Today I got my divorce papers. Should I be surprised?
I'm not surprised my marriage did not survive.<<<<<<<<<
Dear TF,
I am not going to try to sling my usual horsecrap against the wall
to see what sticks.......we as an SR group will just quietly listen and
grieve with you. Sometimes less is more.
No cheer up schtick.....(AKA duck poop!) ---sometimes we just need to
acknowledge what people are going through without whipping out the
toolbox in some frenetic half-duck-assed attempt to "fix" things.
ALL of us are sorry you are hurting....and we hope (very much) that
it doesn't hurt too long. We cannot cure your hurt, TF. All we can do is
promise you don't hurt alone.
>>>>>Today I got my divorce papers. Should I be surprised?
I'm not surprised my marriage did not survive.<<<<<<<<<
Dear TF,
I am not going to try to sling my usual horsecrap against the wall
to see what sticks.......we as an SR group will just quietly listen and
grieve with you. Sometimes less is more.
No cheer up schtick.....(AKA duck poop!) ---sometimes we just need to
acknowledge what people are going through without whipping out the
toolbox in some frenetic half-duck-assed attempt to "fix" things.
ALL of us are sorry you are hurting....and we hope (very much) that
it doesn't hurt too long. We cannot cure your hurt, TF. All we can do is
promise you don't hurt alone.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I'm walking with you too, Twofish, and cheering you on. The divorce is painful in its finality, I think, but we have both been facing obstacles and maybe look at this as "one more thing".
Most times, I find, divorce is simply closing the door on a room that is already empty.
You will get through it with grace, because that's your style. You are no longer the fragile afraid person you once were (as was I), today you have tools to help you keep your balance, you have friends to hold you up and share their light when you cannot find yours, and you have courage and strength and faith in the future that will see you through this.
Love you lots and walking with you. When I'm not here I am just stocking up on cheesecake to share along the way.
Hugs
Most times, I find, divorce is simply closing the door on a room that is already empty.
You will get through it with grace, because that's your style. You are no longer the fragile afraid person you once were (as was I), today you have tools to help you keep your balance, you have friends to hold you up and share their light when you cannot find yours, and you have courage and strength and faith in the future that will see you through this.
Love you lots and walking with you. When I'm not here I am just stocking up on cheesecake to share along the way.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
See, Twofish!
Your problem is not being alone through this.....it is having enough
seats on the Twofish bus. Your only decisions involve who gets a seat
and who gets thrown out the window!
Personally, I think a reserved seat for the duck is a wise move. Damned things
are SO utilitarian. Feathers for pillows, an easy way to dispose of day old bread,
AND an emergency food source (GASP!) that requires no cold storage!
Iris' are pretty flowers....but can they feed a sitting of 4?
Nope.
Your problem is not being alone through this.....it is having enough
seats on the Twofish bus. Your only decisions involve who gets a seat
and who gets thrown out the window!
Personally, I think a reserved seat for the duck is a wise move. Damned things
are SO utilitarian. Feathers for pillows, an easy way to dispose of day old bread,
AND an emergency food source (GASP!) that requires no cold storage!
Iris' are pretty flowers....but can they feed a sitting of 4?
Nope.
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