pravchaw

Thank you, soberhawk. I could handle a reasonable period if he remains sober. The problem is obviously he gets high and all the associated problems. He is now admitting that he has a problem. Only he says he will deal with it his own way.

needingabreak

I'm sorry, I am not quite sure what you are asking. Are you asking what kind if timeline for him to stay till he can get help or are you asking if you should allow him to stay as long as he stays sober?

pravchaw

I guess its confusing - because I am confused myself. What I am asking is what should I do? He has asked for 2 days to move out. He says he does not want to go to detox. He wants to apply for welfare, find a place, find a job. I guess at this stage I have no choice in the matter. I will give him 2 days to move out.

HopefulmomtoD

In addition to moving out in two days, how about a rule that he can't be in the home if you or your wife are not there?

I'm sorry I wish I could offer more .... your DS is being an idiot. Its just impossible to understand what they are thinking as they make these choices. And, so hard to see them waste their potential.

pravchaw

Agree Hopefulmom. My DS is being an ass who deserves a swift kick to his bottom. He is basically a frightened little boy in a mans body trying to act tough. I read somewhere to never deny an addict his pain. I plan to play it cool and hopefully wave him good bye in 2 days. Thank you for helping me think through this.

EnglishGarden

I think what needingabreak says is important, about the likelihood that when the non-recovering addict is still in the home, the rest of the family inevitably will be obsessed with his every movement and every mood. You and Mrs. P. will have him very much on your minds wherever he is living, but we can become very neurotic if in our own homes we are constantly on edge because of our obsessive need to mentally or physically police another family member.

If he wants to live with a friend, that sounds like a good plan to me. He has told you that he wants to live somewhere else. He has told you he wants the freedom to live as he chooses to live. He is immature, but he is not thirteen years old. Some of us here were raising babies at his age. An individual can make and should make his or her own decisions at about age 21. What else can a parent of such an individual do but accept the decisions made?

Upsetnneedhelp

pravchaw, I have went back and re-read many of your posts. Him stealing grandmas ATM card is a sign of serious addiction. It's what my son use to do before he graduated into real crime. He even resorted to stealing Christmas presents under the tree one year. It's also a sign that he really needs pot badly or it's other drugs.

needingabreak

Ok I now understand what you are asking. My son's therapist said if my son broke any of our rules, the answer parents find easiest to handle, without throwing them out on the street is to tell them they have 24 hours to find other living arrangements. It is very hard to have your child out of the home wondering how they are, what they are doing. Sometimes it is downright terrifying. I do not think 2 days is enabling. He has a time frame to move out and you are still sticking to boundaries. I feel your confusion Pravchaw. We all fly by seat of our pants hoping we are doing the right things. Sometimes it feels like we're damned if we do and damned if we don't. Hopefully your son will be uncomfortable real quick and decide he wants to come home and will get help.

pravchaw

Thanks EG - I feel this way exactly. We have done all we can for him - the rest is up to him. He has a choice to go back to detox and then to a sober living facility - or he can live on the street. I agree that living at home in active addiction is not something we can handle. His quacking is likely due to his withdrawal.
It is possible but I think its mostly pot & alcohol. He stayed with his brother a few days ago in his dorm and his brother reports that he did not see any evidence of hard drug use.
needingabreak - I know its tough on him and us but he is inflicting his own pain on himself (and us - but we don't count). He is 21 yo strong young man - I expect he will survive. I will probably go through a emotional slump for a few weeks but the choices we face are just awful.

needingabreak

I know all too well Pravchaw and believe me I was not trying to say he should not take the responsibility. You are absolutely doing the right thing!

BeavsDad

Didn't you say you were pretty sure that he just stole the IPad last week?

pravchaw

I was wrong and I ate crow - the ipad was found.

He was extremely angry at me yesterday blaming me for throwing him out. After I went to bed, my wife talked to him. He is ashamed of his relapse and He is very afraid of the future and being asked to the leave his home. He was trying to convince her that he can stay at home and attend therapy. She said understands but both for our sake and his he must leave.

BeavsDad

Glad to hear that about the IPad. Stealing creates an extra layer of mistrust.
Keep the communication flowing between you and your wife.
Stay on the same page, talk through scenarios, and have "stock" answers prepared.
It really helps for when one of you has a moment of weakness.
Hang in there

soberhawk

I understand why you did suspect it about the IPAD, but this is one of the cases where I would be very pleased and grateful by being proven wrong.

It is not easy to give up on a addiction, if it was there were not many addicts. I do understand his motivation after haven battled and failed to be drawn to a softer approach this time, live at home take some therapy sessions probably in the hope to build strength in time to take on the battle. I am though worried that he underestimates how difficult this can be. He can do this but it is not easy, if you read stories here of people that have used pot and alcohol for years, it takes time to recover.

I would set a deadline unless he was clean and you can not judge whether he is clean, he needs to be in a program that checks this.

I am hoping that he will make sensible decisions and find a way out of this.

Upsetnneedhelp

prav, I think relapse seems the norm with addicts. My ex-husband had been in 6 treatment centers before he got on board and was clean and sober 5yrs+ the last I spoke to him.

pravchaw

I know - that is why addiction is called a "chronic relapsing brain disease". Its a life time condition which once he gets sober he has to watch for. Anyways its now his journey. I have to let go and he has to step up.

Txhelp

Its so tough because we want to assist them in their journey.

It's good he's upset/angry for you kicking him out. Pain is a motivator.

Just ask my kids....

Upsetnneedhelp

It's chronic and not a lot of friends and families realize that. If you can, I believe you will gain from the experience. Each time the addict learns and grows.

pravchaw

Son is still at home. Looks like he is procrastinating making the call and going to detox. I told him he is going tomorrow. He is now packing his bags.

Txhelp

Good luck tomorrow....let us know how it goes.

You may have to motivate him to leave.

I am wondering if your area has shelters etc?