Upsetnneedhelp

I hope by detox, you mean rehab also. Because detox is just the start of the long journey. My son was a detox pro but never seemed to do well in the inpatient rehabs. He would get kicked out for various offenses.

pravchaw

We decided to give him a few more days to get his act together. Right now he is almost paralyzed by fear, confused and very very angry. If I push him out nowhe will end up drunk / high in a shelter or worse. He may still do that in a few days. The out patient program will take him back. He also has a couple of more choices. I figure a few more days will not hurt if he can make a more rational choice.

soberhawk

Why is he angry? Is he angry at himself or does he find the world unfair?

Txhelp

I think its normal, for them, to find things overwhelming when they are actively using.

My son reminds me a lot of your son. He's immature for his age in many ways. Coping skills limited etc.

You know what you need to do. It's reasonable to give him a few more days. Eventually he will need to make some sort of decision. It's just so difficult to think clearly when your body is full of drugs

pravchaw

Well, he is angry at me for "kicking him out" - but that is only the surface. I think its just lack of maturity. He wants to keep on using but he is at a point where he has to make choices. Either go to detox/rehab/treatment or be independent (with all the responsibilities and consequences that entails). This cognitive dissonance is generating a lot of fear and anger.

I was advised that when people are angry and shouting at you - they are really angry at themselves and shouting at themselves.

jjj111

Pravchaw, how old is your son? It must be very difficult as a parent to make the transition to seeing your child as a mature adult, especially when the child is also havign difficulty making that transition. I can't personally speak to what you are going through because I am not a parent. As a daughter, though, I can say that I remained dependent on my father for as long as he let me. I put off graduating from college because he was supporting me while I got my degree and I liked being supported. He finally set limits with me, and I stepped up to the plate, graduated, and began supporting myself. Wishing you peace in your home!

pravchaw

He is 21 - so by no means a child. He has dropped out of University as he could not keep up. So you are right, I just cannot keep supporting him indefinitely. He either has to get better and leave or just leave . I just hope he makes the right decision.

jjj111

Maybe it would help to focus on your decisions instead of his? What decision are you facing right now? What is the right choice for you? He will have to make his own decisions about what is right and wrong for him. You sound like a very strong person; I bet he has inherited some of your strength. He might not even realize he has it until he has to use it.

Lotusangel

Pravchaw, I'm in the same boat. My son, I believe, is in a full relapse, I think. I don't know anymore. I'm so confused. He looks fine overall general health, but it's his anger or standoffish attitude that frustrates me. This week I put down some deadlines, and he didn't seem too thrilled. He was doing laundry and wouldn't sit down to actually talk about it. He did engage but I felt like he was just trying to be busy to annoy me. I kept engaging him back in he conversation as best as I could. I also told him I am going to send him a certified letter stating all the rules and deadlines. We'll see. I dread having to ask him to leave or worse actually having to do a formal eviction. I would have to follow through and that is a very hard thing for a parent. Ugh.

Upsetnneedhelp

pravchaw, it seems that you are sadden by his lack of interest or finishing University, which i assume is college? Not everyone is cut out for college and he may find a career in construction or something.

Eve13

Thinking of you, my counterpart to the south. What a road we are on with our beloved. There is no right answer. There is no clear direction. There is no parenting manual for this time and place we find ourselves. Grief and loss for hopes and dreams we've held for our sons, navigating the narrow path between support and enabling.

You know your son best. You know what course is best to take with him. One day at a time. All we can do is walk with them and take care of ourselves along the way. The message - Get help or get out - is a tough one.

For us, it was his anger that finally did it. We'd give him time and time again to be clean and sober, court consequences mounting. But it was the anger we found intolerable. Did it go well? Not necessarily - YET - but each person is responsible for their own health and mental health. We are united that he cannot come home until rehab and time in a sober living environment happen. It is a long road and won't be easy sailing.

PresentTense

Prayers for you and your family...recovery is a miracle and detox is a good place to start.

pravchaw

Quick update for my friends here: Its been quiet these few days (thank god). My son has stabilized and is calm. We have reached an understanding - our boundaries have been explained and understood.

• Work a program
• Help out at home
• No smoking or drinking in the house / no intoxication
• No late nights (if he is out we need to know, where he is)

He is to re-join the day program at the detox centre.
After he is finished with the program - he has to either get back to university or find a job. We expect some rent if he is not a student.

Fingers crossed. Hope things improve this time.

Eve13

Confused - is he allowed to smoke and drink outside the house?

pravchaw

Hi Eve, I hope not but I cannot control what he does outside the home. So i am not going to worry about that as long he does not come home intoxicated.

Lotusangel

Good luck. Baby steps, any progress is a good start

Eve13

Sorry, still confused. What are the rules at the detox facility for day treatment? Would they allow him to continue attending, if he tests positive? And you're ok with him using, as long as it's not in your house?

Here, I don't think AS would be able to continue in rehab if he tested positive. And he will be kicked out of the sober recovery home if he uses too. Assuming he makes it that far. AS wasn't using in our house, but he was testing positive with the court. So, we decided, using is using. And it wasn't ok.

Every situation is different, so please don't hear anything but open questions and dialogue.

pravchaw

I think its the same here. They do random drug testing. If they find that he is high then they will throw him out of the day program and give him a choice of in patient.
MJ has a very long half life (10 - 15 days) and is detectable in urine for 4 - 6 weeks, so its very hard to be sure if he is using in the short term unless you do a blood test.

Anyway if he is not serious - it will be obvious very soon and he knows the consequences.

Eve13

It's like, do you rip the bandage off really, really quick, or slowly - prolonging the pain. But I appreciate your approach, natural consequences.

pravchaw

We have been at it now for over 3 years and have learnt that they are only done when they are done. Recovery has to come naturally from deep within him.