i am so lost. so alone. any help at all would be a blessing.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 36
i am so lost. so alone. any help at all would be a blessing.
its been a 15 year relationship.
we have 2 kids, a son and a daughter.
the last 5 1/2 years, we've had an unwelcome addition to our household which we all make exceptions for. we all make excuses and cover up and remind ourselves that its an "illness".
but...i can't do it anymore.
I'm the daughter of a recovered alcoholic. i know addiction when i see it. but, for some reason i was blindsided by this one.
My OH was prescribed Oxycontin 20mg at first, with a prescription for 10mg lortab for break through pain management.
5 years later, i'm still wondering why he was prescribed anything at all. he has NOTHING really wrong with him that would require this sort of pain management.
now, he's on 30mg oxy's. he gets 60 a month, and then 30 lortabs a week. he usually runs out of the oxy's in 2 weeks. he'll make the lortabs disappear in 2 days. its gotten so expensive to keep him "going" i can't even begin to tell you how difficult it is for me to maintain my household.
i can't afford it financially. i can't afford it mentally. i can't afford anything anymore. in the last week alone, he's gone through nearly $800, because he ran out of all of his script and is purchasing them from a friend of his. of course i don't know any of this except for seeing my bank account dwindle down to nothing. my car payment was due, and its not paid. my phone bill is due, and its not paid. my kids are back in school, and most of their clothes are on my credit cards, which won't get paid at this rate because i have to catch up on all the rest of the bills.
everything i've worked so hard for is slowly falling out of my grasp thanks to his "illness". but of course, there isn't anything wrong with him. and i have no right to tell him anything.
i thought he had hit a brick wall. i thought he was ready to get help. he told his boss about his prescription, and that it was causing him some difficulties, but that he was going to be ok. I think he lied to me about that. Just like all the lies he's told me while tears welled up in his eyes. he doesn't care about anyone but himself.
we live in a very rural area, so going out and getting help for myself and my kids isn't going to happen. no N/A meetings near here, and no counselors worth a ****. I've considered moving out, but since we are buying our house, the last thing i need is for him to have it foreclosed on because he won't make the payments. he doesn't deal with any of the finances in our household.
i told him to leave, he won't. its his house as much as its mine, so he says. financially, i can manage my bills, my kids, and all...but..with him, he just sucks us dry. its not just his "medication"...its the 4 or 5 redbull a day..the 3 packs of cigs a day...how has he not stroked out by now?
I'm so tired of all of this. i'm exhausted. its sad to say, but death would be easier than divorce at this point. and honestly, the funeral would cost less than his addiction does.
we have 2 kids, a son and a daughter.
the last 5 1/2 years, we've had an unwelcome addition to our household which we all make exceptions for. we all make excuses and cover up and remind ourselves that its an "illness".
but...i can't do it anymore.
I'm the daughter of a recovered alcoholic. i know addiction when i see it. but, for some reason i was blindsided by this one.
My OH was prescribed Oxycontin 20mg at first, with a prescription for 10mg lortab for break through pain management.
5 years later, i'm still wondering why he was prescribed anything at all. he has NOTHING really wrong with him that would require this sort of pain management.
now, he's on 30mg oxy's. he gets 60 a month, and then 30 lortabs a week. he usually runs out of the oxy's in 2 weeks. he'll make the lortabs disappear in 2 days. its gotten so expensive to keep him "going" i can't even begin to tell you how difficult it is for me to maintain my household.
i can't afford it financially. i can't afford it mentally. i can't afford anything anymore. in the last week alone, he's gone through nearly $800, because he ran out of all of his script and is purchasing them from a friend of his. of course i don't know any of this except for seeing my bank account dwindle down to nothing. my car payment was due, and its not paid. my phone bill is due, and its not paid. my kids are back in school, and most of their clothes are on my credit cards, which won't get paid at this rate because i have to catch up on all the rest of the bills.
everything i've worked so hard for is slowly falling out of my grasp thanks to his "illness". but of course, there isn't anything wrong with him. and i have no right to tell him anything.
i thought he had hit a brick wall. i thought he was ready to get help. he told his boss about his prescription, and that it was causing him some difficulties, but that he was going to be ok. I think he lied to me about that. Just like all the lies he's told me while tears welled up in his eyes. he doesn't care about anyone but himself.
we live in a very rural area, so going out and getting help for myself and my kids isn't going to happen. no N/A meetings near here, and no counselors worth a ****. I've considered moving out, but since we are buying our house, the last thing i need is for him to have it foreclosed on because he won't make the payments. he doesn't deal with any of the finances in our household.
i told him to leave, he won't. its his house as much as its mine, so he says. financially, i can manage my bills, my kids, and all...but..with him, he just sucks us dry. its not just his "medication"...its the 4 or 5 redbull a day..the 3 packs of cigs a day...how has he not stroked out by now?
I'm so tired of all of this. i'm exhausted. its sad to say, but death would be easier than divorce at this point. and honestly, the funeral would cost less than his addiction does.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this. So many of us here can totally relate to feeling overwhelmed and powerless. I wish I could give you some great advice regarding your partner but unfortunately my qualifier is my son. I wanted to reach out to let you know you are not alone...others will be by shortly. What I can tell you is until I kept trying to "manage" my son and his issues.... NOTHING improved. I was a rat on a wheel...keeping busy (VERY) while he really did nothing to improve his situation. Once I began focusing on what I could change things have improved. He is still out there....but his chaos isn't spilling over on a daily basis...even monthly to be honest. But...I recognize your situation is different. You are talking about a husband, have children, and other obligations...rest assured we are here for you. It takes great strength to reach out and often times a "rock bottom" of our own. I'm glad you are here. Sending you hugs today.
Work in Progress
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,142
Do you own your house? I'm confused. You said you WERE going to buy it. So do you not have any ties to it? You said your husband has said he doesn't have a problem so he is probably a long way from entering recovery. He's going to drag you down to rock bottom with him. I used to get screamed at and hit for paying bills cuz there was no drug money. It became easier to be high with him.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
I can relate to your issues. I'm married to a heroin addict. I have two small kids, 3 and 7. I financially take care of all the bills. HE makes me out to be a bad guy or feel badly when I say no. I have to say no to a lot. He recently got locked up for drug related charges. All I can say is that I know now.. that I need help. I am codependent. I WANT to help him. I feel GUILTY all the time. I got advice. I locked my bank account. I hide my purse at night. I have had to tell him to leave the house. I STILL LOVE HIM. He is financially an abuser. Which then causes emotional abuse. I'm an emotional abuser by calling him names. The fighting isn't healthy for the kids. Obviously I wouldn't be on here if I didn't think he was a good person and there was HOPE. There is always hope. Good luck. Get some advice to switch bank accounts and protect yourself.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by DecBaby 
Do you own your house? I'm confused. You said you WERE going to buy it. So do you not have any ties to it? You said your husband has said he doesn't have a problem so he is probably a long way from entering recovery. He's going to drag you down to rock bottom with him. I used to get screamed at and hit for paying bills cuz there was no drug money. It became easier to be high with him.
one day he says he has a problem..the next, he's high and mighty and i'm the worst person that ever existed.
hit me once, he'll go to jail. he's never hit me. he knows better. i draw the line somewhere.
and in all honesty, i'm sorry that you were put in that position. But for me, since i had kids, i don't see the "easy" way out of any of this. I refuse to fall into the warped mindset he's in.
funny, but i just got yelled at because i have a nice car, and he drives a piece of junk. I told him if he didn't blow $1k on pills every month, he'd have a nice car. hell... my car would be almost paid off if i had that much money to blow.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by KeepinItReal
I can relate to your issues. I'm married to a heroin addict. I have two small kids, 3 and 7. I financially take care of all the bills. HE makes me out to be a bad guy or feel badly when I say no. I have to say no to a lot. He recently got locked up for drug related charges. All I can say is that I know now.. that I need help. I am codependent. I WANT to help him. I feel GUILTY all the time. I got advice. I locked my bank account. I hide my purse at night. I have had to tell him to leave the house. I STILL LOVE HIM. He is financially an abuser. Which then causes emotional abuse. I'm an emotional abuser by calling him names. The fighting isn't healthy for the kids. Obviously I wouldn't be on here if I didn't think he was a good person and there was HOPE. There is always hope. Good luck. Get some advice to switch bank accounts and protect yourself.
his paycheck goes in my bank account because he spends money like its nothing.... but, then he demands his money daily, and spends almost all of it on himself. meaning, i'm paying ALL the bills, and he's just "having fun".
i'm so sorry for your situation. sometimes, even all the hope in the world won't save a sinking ship. i'm afraid my ship is sinking, and i'm just going to watch it go to the bottom of the sea.
Work in Progress
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,142
Originally Posted by msjeckyll
i said we ARE buying our house. we've been making payments to it for the last 10 years.
one day he says he has a problem..the next, he's high and mighty and i'm the worst person that ever existed.
hit me once, he'll go to jail. he's never hit me. he knows better. i draw the line somewhere.
and in all honesty, i'm sorry that you were put in that position. But for me, since i had kids, i don't see the "easy" way out of any of this. I refuse to fall into the warped mindset he's in.
funny, but i just got yelled at because i have a nice car, and he drives a piece of junk. I told him if he didn't blow $1k on pills every month, he'd have a nice car. hell... my car would be almost paid off if i had that much money to blow.
one day he says he has a problem..the next, he's high and mighty and i'm the worst person that ever existed.
hit me once, he'll go to jail. he's never hit me. he knows better. i draw the line somewhere.
and in all honesty, i'm sorry that you were put in that position. But for me, since i had kids, i don't see the "easy" way out of any of this. I refuse to fall into the warped mindset he's in.
funny, but i just got yelled at because i have a nice car, and he drives a piece of junk. I told him if he didn't blow $1k on pills every month, he'd have a nice car. hell... my car would be almost paid off if i had that much money to blow.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 4
Anyone who has dealt with the hell that is addiction hurts when they read a story like yours. I'm so sorry you are dealing with all that. Having children and obligations in the mix always makes it that much tougher, too. Others have said it but I'll say it again; you're not alone.
My best advice is that you need to look out for your children and yourself first. Yes, he has an illness and it's hard to say anything to someone in that boat. But by the sounds of it, you are working so hard and it's all for someone else. That's not what a partnership is about. Obviously his issues with prescriptions have dulled the thought that sharing a life requires equal contribution and care from both people involved on that partnership.
Does he or do you have any family that could be of help? A family member of his, maybe, who can help get him out of the house and maybe to a less rural area with some sort of treatment programs? If things continue to escalate, maybe even a lawyer (not that those are cheap) or perhaps law enforcement if absolutely necessary? Having severe substance problems around your children may be reason to even start a file with the police? That way if things continue to deteriorate, the ball for action is already rolling?
I wish I knew more about rights and such so I could offer you the right advice. All I can say for sure is take care of the kids. Take care of yourself. And continue reaching out wherever you can to come into contact with others who are in similar situations and can offer sound advice that has worked for them.
My best advice is that you need to look out for your children and yourself first. Yes, he has an illness and it's hard to say anything to someone in that boat. But by the sounds of it, you are working so hard and it's all for someone else. That's not what a partnership is about. Obviously his issues with prescriptions have dulled the thought that sharing a life requires equal contribution and care from both people involved on that partnership.
Does he or do you have any family that could be of help? A family member of his, maybe, who can help get him out of the house and maybe to a less rural area with some sort of treatment programs? If things continue to escalate, maybe even a lawyer (not that those are cheap) or perhaps law enforcement if absolutely necessary? Having severe substance problems around your children may be reason to even start a file with the police? That way if things continue to deteriorate, the ball for action is already rolling?
I wish I knew more about rights and such so I could offer you the right advice. All I can say for sure is take care of the kids. Take care of yourself. And continue reaching out wherever you can to come into contact with others who are in similar situations and can offer sound advice that has worked for them.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Such an honest post and I'm sure most of understand just where you are right now emotionally and financially.
Addiction is like having one hundred whirling dervishes in our house and in our minds. So it's really hard to make a plan, to figure out step one in creating a change for ourselves, a change which is absolutely vital and which Life is probably going to force on us unless we decide to get some reality checks from people who can help us and make choices rather than just manage crises.
Working on your spiritual and emotional growth, through 12 Step and/or counseling will be of huge benefit to you. But right now, I think the more concrete and practical matters are the ones you need to deal with, and to do that, I think you need help from people with skill and objectivity.
When my marriage to an alcoholic ended quite suddenly (because he hit me, as you are wishing sometimes would happen in your situation....but being struck was not useful in the practical realities of finances and house and all that....it was useful in one way only for me: it lit a fire under my denying-rationalizing-hoping for a miracle butt.)
So what I did was I found a female financial planner who was warm enough to understand the emotional pain I was in and could look at my financial situation with a professional head but with a woman's heart. And I found an attorney who could help me figure out a way to get out of the marriage and still have enough to live on, for my child and me, until I got some ground under my feet.
Alone, trying to figure it out alone, my head spinning like a top and my ability to make sound decisions compromised because I was also in a period of profound grief.....I would not have known the best course of action to take or how to put together a simple plan of action.
My feeling is that your AH is so deeply bonded to opiates that he will gladly give up you and his family if it means he does not have to give up the drugs. But that does not mean that he won't react with hostility and threatening language and behavior when you upset the status quo which is working for him. And if he does, you may just have to move out temporarily with the children until the legal matters are accomplished. Others may disagree. But I think living with the enemy is a dangerous proposition, and addicts often go to war against spouses who try to divorce them.
We have people on the forum with some legal experience and with domestic violence training (emotional and financial abuse qualifies) and I hope they will see your thread and be able to give you more feedback.
One thing is certain and I say it again and again: the addict does not get to be the most important person in the family. The greatest good for the GREATEST NUMBER should be your goal.
Addiction is like having one hundred whirling dervishes in our house and in our minds. So it's really hard to make a plan, to figure out step one in creating a change for ourselves, a change which is absolutely vital and which Life is probably going to force on us unless we decide to get some reality checks from people who can help us and make choices rather than just manage crises.
Working on your spiritual and emotional growth, through 12 Step and/or counseling will be of huge benefit to you. But right now, I think the more concrete and practical matters are the ones you need to deal with, and to do that, I think you need help from people with skill and objectivity.
When my marriage to an alcoholic ended quite suddenly (because he hit me, as you are wishing sometimes would happen in your situation....but being struck was not useful in the practical realities of finances and house and all that....it was useful in one way only for me: it lit a fire under my denying-rationalizing-hoping for a miracle butt.)
So what I did was I found a female financial planner who was warm enough to understand the emotional pain I was in and could look at my financial situation with a professional head but with a woman's heart. And I found an attorney who could help me figure out a way to get out of the marriage and still have enough to live on, for my child and me, until I got some ground under my feet.
Alone, trying to figure it out alone, my head spinning like a top and my ability to make sound decisions compromised because I was also in a period of profound grief.....I would not have known the best course of action to take or how to put together a simple plan of action.
My feeling is that your AH is so deeply bonded to opiates that he will gladly give up you and his family if it means he does not have to give up the drugs. But that does not mean that he won't react with hostility and threatening language and behavior when you upset the status quo which is working for him. And if he does, you may just have to move out temporarily with the children until the legal matters are accomplished. Others may disagree. But I think living with the enemy is a dangerous proposition, and addicts often go to war against spouses who try to divorce them.
We have people on the forum with some legal experience and with domestic violence training (emotional and financial abuse qualifies) and I hope they will see your thread and be able to give you more feedback.
One thing is certain and I say it again and again: the addict does not get to be the most important person in the family. The greatest good for the GREATEST NUMBER should be your goal.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: East Coast
Posts: 427
Oh you are definitely not alone! My AH is avoiding me like the plague because I "make him miserable"etc. I just saw the attorney today. We were not buying a house, but there were all sorts of other financial binds. You can get help, surely the payment on the house is not worth your sanity. Mine was supposedly on Lortabs, doctor shopped and what not but I'm sure it went to heroin. No one can believe it either, they all loved him and once he quit his job...they started piecing things together and he apparently owes them all a lot of money since he was trying so hard to hide his use from me. I saw screw whatever it is you are tied to and file bankruptcy if you have to, it's just not worth staying with an addict, especially since he doesn't see anything wrong with it. After a while you don't get anything but horrible surprises that you never thought you would have to deal with, or you start thinking about how your life somehow turned into an episode of cops, and you never thought your own upbringing would lead to this. I finally realized that my AH has somehow lied so much, that he actually probably believes his own lies and really thinks that I'm the problem. You don't want your children thinking that all of this is normal. I say find the closest friend or family member and get out of there.
Deep Breaths
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 5
I'm in the same boat...hope you feel better just by "venting" here! I have no advice just sending you strength and prayers. I have two kid's, my husband quit his well paying job in May (red flag for me-he had past addiction issues) after "researching" found out in June he had been spending over $300 a month on Percs for over a year. I was fired from my job after having my second son in 2012 and just found out my unemployment money has ended so it's been one thing after another!!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 628
Very sorry for your predicament. Its clear you have to make some hard decisions to protect yourself & the kids. Based on my experience, I would highly recommend separating yourself physically from the addict if at all possible. If that is not possible you will have to set very firm boundaries and enforce them. Perhaps women with kids here who are living with addicted husbands can advise of the techniques they use. I just know that anger, tears, threats, pleading and bitterness do not work.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 36
He is now in detox. He hit his own brick wall.
I went with him....assured him I was there for him...no matter what. then ugly cried all the way home.
I havent spent moremthan a couple of nights without him. He decided on detox, not treatment....which, at least he decided that.
Our house feels weird without him. The dog keeps looking for him. I'm wearing his shirt and crying my eyes out. Out of relief. Out of sadness. Out of fear for what he's going through.
And I already miss him. The kids miss him. He called me tonight...promised me he'd call every day. I'm kinda lost right now. But I couldnt be more proud of anyone. Each day we get closer to sobriety....closer to a healthier, more sane, way of life.
I have hope....
I went with him....assured him I was there for him...no matter what. then ugly cried all the way home.
I havent spent moremthan a couple of nights without him. He decided on detox, not treatment....which, at least he decided that.
Our house feels weird without him. The dog keeps looking for him. I'm wearing his shirt and crying my eyes out. Out of relief. Out of sadness. Out of fear for what he's going through.
And I already miss him. The kids miss him. He called me tonight...promised me he'd call every day. I'm kinda lost right now. But I couldnt be more proud of anyone. Each day we get closer to sobriety....closer to a healthier, more sane, way of life.
I have hope....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: ohio
Posts: 33
the last two paragraphs of your most recent post mrsjekyll relate to me sooo much, minus the kids part. it's a weird feeling having them gone. it's something you wish for so much when they're here, and while it's a happy thin and there is a sense if relief.. the sadness, worry, and fear set in. I almost feel more anxious and stressed out now than when the addiction was right in my face. but you're right about the feeling of hope, everyday that passes that they are clean and working toward sobriety is another day closer to a better future. that's all that keeps me going sometimes. hugs to youu!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 36
not even 24 hours into detox...and he's quitting. he's done. he will sign himself out and be ready for me to pick him up after i get off work.
its that or he says he will be walking the streets until someone finds him.
so.
homeward bound i guess.
i'm so terrified. how will we ever do this at home?
its that or he says he will be walking the streets until someone finds him.
so.
homeward bound i guess.
i'm so terrified. how will we ever do this at home?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 36
i don't know what to do. what the hell do i do? i'm so lost. i'm so so so lost. i had such high hope that he would stay at least 24 hours. get it started. do what he could.
but.
no....nothing.
i'm left empty and having to remain so strong for my kids and i. there is no strength left in me.
i am just...vacant.
but.
no....nothing.
i'm left empty and having to remain so strong for my kids and i. there is no strength left in me.i am just...vacant.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Im sorry ! My husband threatened to leave rehab a week ago and cursed out his doctor. He was simply unstable emotionally and all over the place. I told him he could come home, but I would have to leave because he needed the help they were giving him. But with kids I know its not that simple, you cant uproot them. Didnt his employer give him an option of treatment or ?? I had to remind my husband of this too. Sort of team up on him: all his friends, family. I dont know what to say, Im sorry he is doing this, and I know you have to be angry, scared, sad at the same time.
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