pravchaw

I agree with Katie. You should lock him out and let him fend for himself. He can get hotel and detox there.

Txhelp

My son Left rehab twice. The first week they followed him and convinced him to stay. The second week...there was no convincing.
He called me at 830pm and asked for a ride....3.5 hours away. I warned him prior to leaving....no help. I told him "Oh well..I told you. I guess you need to figure something out." He went back......signed a contract and completed rehab. He was glad i didn't cave.

msjeckyll

I left him with no money. I had none to leave him with.


A few issues with the facility staff resulted in 2 voluntaries leaving. My fiance being one. Given no ibuprofen, tylenol, and only 1 gatorade and 1 immodium between wake up call at 6:15 and 2:30pm. We were told when in detox, he could sleep, drink as much fluids as needed, and have ibuprofen for the pain, considering he was prescribed the oxy for pain to start with. And NO sleep aides at all.

He is home now. Got him some homeopathic sleep aide, some 5-htp to keep the calm. He's determined to get off of them, so I truly believe there is still hope, but....one day at a time. Gatorade a plenty, and multivitamins.

Has anyone heard anything on whether an herbal cleanse would help?

allforcnm

Doesn't sound like a very good detox situation. My husband was addicted to pain meds also, he is clean now... I don't know about the herbal cleanse, but if you read over on the substance abuse forum there is often talk about detoxing, suggestions of what helps, and it might give you an idea what to expect.

Prayers going out to both of you. There is HOPE always.....

hellomynameis

This is going to sound like tough love - but here it is? Would you let a stranger in your home that causes this kind of destruction and pain to you and your kids? If the answer to that question is no, absolutely not, then I am going to ask you this question - when the school or an employer finds out the chaos that you are permitting in your home to take place, someone, somewhere is going to take action on behalf of your children. I would make a choice to take matters into my own hands and let him suffer with his addiction as HIS own problem. Right now, he is making it everyone else's problem but HIS and as long as that goes on, nothing will change. House payments, rural living etc...those are all addiction life excuses for why change isn't happening for you. The dream of the man you love is just that, a dream. The real man you have in your house sounds like a raging out of control using active addict who can't and won't take responsibility for his actions. YOu are as a culpable as he is right now for exposing your young children to this non-sense. Do the next right thing -do the thing that will set you free - get him out of the house by hook or by crook and make plans to live life on your own terms. He is the one who needs to hit bottom here and you shouldn't let him take you and your kids with him just because it is more convenient for his addict ways to do so. Trust me when I tell you - at some point - someone is going to find out the chaos in your house and you will have to answer for nonsense you don't need to deal with on top of all of this too.

You are not alone in this for sure. We all know what you are dealing with but if I had one word of advise for someone in your situation - listen to what people are saying to you NOW. They say it b/c they have been there - experience of others can save you. Let it.

KeepinItReal

Go to HOW TO QUIT HEROIN, STAY CLEAN, AND TURN YOUR LIFE AROUND It applies to people with Oxi addiction because essentially it's the same drug. I hope that can help. Good luck. If he rages, stay out of the way. Don't argue it will be useless. If he wants to leave.. let him go.

KeepinItReal

If you need advice on how to get him to leave you can PM me. I know exactly what you are going through.
(((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))

BlueChair

I think you are doing the right thing in supporting him if he is trying to detox. Im sure it wont be easy for either of you. My husband detoxed in the hospital when he was in for this infection. They gave him a lot of medications and things and it wasnt too bad physically, but it still hurt me when I knew he was in discomfort. Hurts me now because I know he is still in emotional pain during his rehab. We are all here for you.

msjeckyll

so first, i'd like to THANK the people who seem to get it.

second... i'd like to tell you that if you came to throw your threats at me, and tell me horror things like my kids being taken away from me..how about you just turn around and walk back out. don't threaten me. don't sit there and act like you know exactly how my house is or what i'm doing to deal with the situation.

as far as it goes, its like he has the flu. he's doing really good on his own, and i'm pretty proud of his resolve. He's pumping the gatorade and water, taking his vitamin, and using 5-htp to help deal with anxiety for the right now.

My children are school age. they have after school projects where they are not home til i get home, and then we go about our life as normal. there has been no fighting, no anger, no violent anything. he's relatively comfortable and determined to get off of the prescriptions that he was given 5 years ago.

I could understand being so harsh to someone on a street drug basis...but seriously tearing me apart over a prescription that is LEGAL and just ruining his life? this is a VOLUNTARY PROACTIVE change in his life, and you are talking like he's some kind of criminal. call it tough love all you want, but...seriously...learn some simple bits of reality before you go threatening people that way.

jjj111

Msjeckyll, I am struck by how differently you seemed to be feeling in your first post and your last post. In the first, you were done, fed up, and now you have great hope for his recovery and don't mind overseeing it. Is it possible this is a cycle? Are you living your life bouncing between frustration and hope in reaction to how he seems to be doing at the moment? I pray for you to get off this roller coaster soon and find the serenity you seek.

AnvilheadII

in the last week alone, he's gone through nearly $800, because he ran out of all of his script and is purchasing them from a friend of his.

I could understand being so harsh to someone on a street drug basis

uh sorry to pop your bubble there, but $800 in a week from "a friend" IS STREET DRUG USE. he ain't no better or different because 5 years ago he was given a prescription for pain. he is now an out of control addict. reckless, carelessly spending tons of $$ on his addiction. you can barely keep things afloat. and now....because he didn't like the RULES at detox, he quit and is putting it all on YOU. if he was THAT determined to quit and stay quit, he woulda stuck it out at detox. not bitch about the lack of tylenol!???

good luck. i suspect this isn't the end by a long shot.

msjeckyll

thanks for making me feel like crap about all of it.
its perfectly fine to judge all you want.

yes, i am done. yes i am sick of the cycle. no its not over. BUT THIS IS THE FIRST STEP TOWARDS HIS RECOVERY. and i'm trying to keep STRONG. i'm following what my own counselor tells me. this is his first attempt to even stop what has been going on, and i can't even come close to just denying that very valid attempt.

i came here for support. instead, you seem quick to judge and pigeon hole me.

he went to friends because the prescription got the better of him. is it wrong? yes. is it street drugs? technically, yes...but it all started with a medically supervised prescription for pain killers from a DOCTOR. is he the only one in this boat?no. are you better than him? no.

and FYI. if you read my reply about the conditions at rehab.....you would know. i've already filed a complaint with the director of that detox center. their day time staff will be under review. if it were just him being whiny and complaining, i get it. but 2 other clients left there because of issues with the day time staff denying basic needs. drinks. bathroom time. immodium to stop the runs. those are basic needs that were told to be readily available upon request... that is the end of that. not because he didn't like the rules. read my post.

perhaps i have sympathy for the addict. perhaps i grew up with too many family members with the same illness. perhaps i am the root of all that is wrong with this.

msjeckyll

yeah. okay.

i do have hope. great hope? no. but reasonable hope.

am i overseeing the issues? no. they are still there. but i still have to try to look to today, not yesterday. He is at least making an attempt.

its fine.

AnvilheadII

i never said i was better than anyone. i am an addict. 7 or 8 years off crack cocaine (i can't keep track). before that many years ago i had 7.5 years clean and sober with the help of AA and then a lonnnnngggg relapse. i've been in and out and around addiction AND recovery long enough that i think i know a bit what each looks like.

you went from your first post to being so done, so worn out, so frazzled, to now DEFENDING HIM. now he's not that bad. now he's a hero and a champ for detoxing on your couch. it's still all about him, and i was trying to make the point that YOU are getting lost in all of this. HIS problem is wearing YOU down. and now his problem is right there on your couch and you are looking up herbal detox remedies.

don't try to make this easy for him. he does NOT have the flu. he's gonna suffer and dang it, he SHOULD....that's what dope does. a buddy of ours fought getting off oxy many times....he'd do ok and then be back at it (and always hate it) - when he started smoking it and realizing he was spending half his paycheck on pills, he holed somewhere, kicked and has stayed off ever since. it can be done, and i really wish that is how THIS story would go.

but what if it doesn't? how much more can you take? this DOES affect the kids, trust me. anything that deeply affects their parents, they can feel, they know in their own way. if he doesn't get better, you still have to!!!

msjeckyll

i didn't say he wasn't that bad.
i didn't ever call him a hero, or a champ.
i am not happy about this situation either.

all i did was what the rehab facility said would help. thats it. and honestly, i think that is ok.

I don't really feel up to this. knowing how much i've been through in the last week...admitting my own problems here and everywhere else...getting back into counselling (for both me and my kids)..and now coming here and having you paint me out to be something as a nurse nelly and enabling his issues...

wow. thanks.

i sorta thought this place was to support one another. I guess i logged in to the wrong one.

sorry for having a bit of hope in all of this hell i've been through.

nancylee

Support doesn't mean telling you what you want to hear. I think Anvil is right. Your husband left detox and is putting this on you now. You have young children in the house, with Dad trying to get off drugs on the couch. He isn't any better or any worse than the crack addict in the crack house or the housewife who drinks too much wine. They are all addicted.

My husband's cousin is addicted to Oxy, same thing as with your husband. Has a script, but runs out. Made 80k a year amd was always broke, because he was street shopping for more pills. My husband tried to help him get clean. He was clean for 2 months, and then stopped answering my husband's phone calls, started fighting with his sisters. Before he quit, was in trouble at work for an incident, was suspended. Got back to work, and had been doing well before he went back on the Oxy. Had a crash at work, was drug tested, passed the test, they still fired him because they thought he was abusing. 80k a year job gone cause he loves his drugs.

During this "sober" time, he got married. Everyone warned the woman, but she wouldn't listen. She had to get married. Five months later, she is married to an unemployed drug addict, and they are in counseling and headed to divorce. Denial runs deep in families of addicts. I see his addiction, because I was one of those wine-sipping women.

You want support, but if the support is a hard truth, you don't want it. Anvil is being honest here. You need to protect yourself and your children from a man who buys street drugs, flees detox because of reasons that he may be making up, and puts everything on you. Pointing out that your children are affected by this is not cruel. It is reality. And if teachers find out that your children are living with a drug abuser, they may call child protective services if the mother isn't protecting them from this. It's the law.

I'm sorry you aren't ready to take the excellent advice you have gotten from people who have been in your shoes. They aren't trying to hurt you. They are trying to get you to get past your own denial, which is locking you in this hell with this man. I wish you the best,
Nancy

jjj111

Msjeckyll, I'm sorry you feel attacked. Only you can say what boundaries will work for you with your husband.

I completely understand your impulse to help him. My sister is an opiate addict and for years I have gone back and forth between trying to help her and feeling angry and frustrated and fed up. Recently she told me that she wants to seek recovery and asked if I would lend her the money to go to detox and be there for her and her boyfriend to talk them through it. I said no because in my case, I think that a lot of problems come up when I try to rescue her. She feels like she isn't capable of taking care of herself and resents me for being the "together" one, and I go back and forth between feeling hopeful that this time she will recover and resentful that I have spent my energy being her rescuer once again. So to give myself some peace, I have decided to love her but set boundaries with her, such as "if you want treatment, you have to do it for yourself." I can't say whether or not this boundary would work for you, I can only share my own experiences.

msjeckyll

remind yourself that i did say i was getting help for me and my children.

remind yourself that i never denied being scared and worried about the situation.

remind yourself that not everyones story is the same.

i'm used to the hard truth. i'm good with that. but being down right mean and passing judgement on a person who is doing as much as possible, well... that's just wrong.

My best friend is a social worker, and we've gone over our plan of action in dealing with the situation, and she agrees i have things fairly figured out. she helps me with lining up decent counselors to deal with the issues with the kids if they should arise, and she will take the kids for me if i need to work on moving things to my back-up housing arrangement if things don't work out.

Also, the school is already aware of our situation. I have visited with the principal, the counselor, and the teachers of my children so that if any kind of situation happens at school, i am notified and i go straight to the school to deal with it. Fortunately, there isn't any reasoning for me to have to do that, as my children are straight A students with a very good head on their shoulders. Perhaps i shouldn't have started counseling so early so that way i could tell you that you are right.

My children and i have plenty to keep us busy and actively out of the house, as we are most nights because of school activities, sports, hobbies, whatnot. 2 dogs to walk, grandparents to see, etc. i plan on making this week a pretty fun field trip type week.

so far, they've yet to be even exposed to any of this horror you keep painting about my life. Yes, they know i get stressed out. but...i'm one of very few mothers that i know that isn't popping a xanax to deal with their world, drinking abottle of wine a night, or otherwise drowning my sorrow. I am sober, i am active, and i have a really decent head about myself.

I think it was the big book that talked about the addiction being a disease. that the addict is in a sense "allergic" to the poison he puts in his body. sounds like he is ill.

and, i get your reasoning for threatening me and my children. i understand what you "think" you know. right now, it is time to go pick my daughter up from vocal lessons and my son up from his ball practice and then over to grandmas for homemade dinner. i suppose that might be my neglecting parenting coming over me, but something about homemade mac and cheese sounds pretty awesome, and my kids love it.

we are focusing on US. i came here to get advice. i came here for support. but you didn't even ask me any questions about how i'm handling my children in this. you didn't bother to ask how i knew things were bad at rehab..i called. i asked what he was given. i made sure to keep up on the medicinal side of this crap, and the Director confirmed what i said about the day staff, and one of them was fired from their job today thanks to my standing up for the addicts that were actively begging for their own recovery and being denied basic needs.

but thats okay. you know more about my life than i do.

allforcnm

You are not doing anything wrong in letting him detox at home as long as you are both comfortable with it. There are no rules on this stuff…..

Im sorry about his detox experience. IMO people should not have to accept sub par care, someone suffering from an addiction should be treated as a patient, and they should be given adequate care to eliminate as much pain and discomfort of withdrawals as possible. They should not have to be grateful for whatever bone is thrown their way. I don’t go much for the tough love, pain and suffering is good for him and will keep him clean routine myself.

When my husband went through detox we actually opted for what they call a rapid detox. He was under sedation the whole time and when he came out of it about 10 hours later, they said he had been detoxed and his body was ahead by at least 2-3 weeks. It only worked for opiates, so he still had some withdrawal from benzos he took, but I have no regrets even though it was costly. Pain and suffering is not necessary for recovery.

Im really glad that you are working with a therapist, that was my source of support through my husband’s recovery. The process is really a journey, and its not easy for the one suffering with the addiction, or family members. I know my thoughts and feelings changed as the process went along, there are lots of emotions involved, and that is ok. We don't have to have all the answers today. Take it day by day, try to get as much rest as possible, eat well, and play with your kids. Nothing but time will reveal how this will all play out. We just do the best we can, and its obvious thats what you are doing,

nancylee

I'm sorry you are feeling so defensive. I certainly wasn't trying to be mean to suggest that the children are aware that dad is detoxing on the couch. I'm glad you have therapists, social workers and the school involved. I hope it all works out well.
Best,
Nancy