allforcnm

Sounds like a good day. The "pudding share" was cute. "Cleaning the bathroom" was AMAZING. LOL

I think Im familiar with something like your talking about with your husbands vascular issues. Not certain it is the same, but one of my moms friends, her husband is in his early 50's. He is a diabetic, is very overweight (partially from mobility issues), and he has some form of leukemia but it has been in remission a long time. Basically he has health problems. But with his legs, they leak out fluid, and sometimes blood. He went through a time where he had to have a nurse come out a couple times a day and she would apply some special type of cream, and then wrap his legs. The bandages had to be changed several times a day, and like you were saying the skin became thin and if it wasn't for this special care, it created terrible sores. With all his issues he had to be hospitalized many times, and my mom and I would go over to their house and try to help her some. Their house had so many medical supplies, she had a rough time, very emotional for her. Chronic illness... in many way similar to addiction issues, she was very affected. was wife, caregiver, and often was target of his bad moods... again similar to addiction. Lots of people have it rough various reasons.

I posted an article just a few minutes ago, about caregiving vs caretaking. I thought of it when I read your post. There is a clear difference between the two, and I think you are doing caregiving - the healthier option.

Granted some programs of recovery believe that with addiction you should not do for an adult, anything that they can do for themselves, otherwise you are enabling their addition. Other methods believe that it is beneficial to enable recovery; provide positive support when a person is working towards recovery, taking actual steps like your husband is doing. I guess it just falls under personal preference, what works for each of us.

Anwyay, here is the article if you would like to read it: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...aregiving.html

Sari1975

Hi...I had an ex husband who would drink constantly, snort cocaine constantly and then began to deal amphetamines to people. Trust me when I say my life was miserable being with someone who not only abused his body with substances, he was also abusive mentally to me. Finally after 7 years I walked away, filed for divorce ( it came through monday this week) and I am now the happiest ive ever been with a man who loves me dearly and helping me through my own recovery. The ex in the meantime is now shacked up with my ex best freind drinking and drugged up to oblivion day in day out. I know its hard, but sometimes you gotta think whats best for yourself and kids. And thats to leave....hope you find your path nd find peace in your story. Sending hugs xxx

hellomynameis

Bump.... Any updates? How are you doing???

msjeckyll

sorry for the lack of updates. this weekend, i was relatively busy, so ididn't have time to sit and make a post for you guys.

for the most part, things are going ok. He's now on day 8 of being away from oxy. i am proud of him for his resolve in this situation.

His sleeping patterns are back to sporadic at best. he doesn't sleep well, tosses and turns all night. the melatonin isn't working like it should.

He spent 45 minutes reading all he could about the antidepressant and anti-anxiety meds that he was put on. he's not really happy about them at all. He's had some fall backs in his positive mood swing. like, he was so excited to be back home. that he loved me more than anything in the world. that this was all it took for him to realize how close he was to loosing it all. But, yesterday, he was on a big negative. which scares me. i don't let it show. My daughter was over at a friends house, and my son was riding his bike...so i sat my AH down to talk to him a little about his attitude, find out if there was something wrong or what not. "i hate the fact that i'm taken off of one drug that 'worked' perfectly fine, just to be put on all of these others that don't seem to do a damn thing"

red flags went up in my head. i gotta let him vent. i gotta let him talk. but... like i said before, i am NOT getting comfortable in this situation.

I still have very high hopes for him. i still think that he can be the strong person i know he is and stick to his resolve. i just ...i worry.

me personally? i'm having emotional rollercoaster moments in my head. (from what i've learned, this is entirely normal for someone in my shoes) I've stressing about all the things that need done, that i'm used to him helping with. right now, without getting much sleep, and his body being drained from all of the WD and all, i can't expect much. the lawn needs mowed. the laundry needs done. the trees need trimmed back. and my house needs some TLC. all this time off work is going to hit our budget pretty hard, so...i guess, I just have to cinch in the belt and make sure every one else follows suit.

I have an art show to focus on getting stuff ready for, and hopefully i can just put my head entirely into that.

jjj111

Msjeckyl, I'm sorry to hear that things aren't as upbeat as they were at first. It sounds like he is realizing that you aren't planning to kick him out for leaving rehab and is starting to take you for granted again.

It seems like there are a lot of things that you feel like you *have* to do for him. With love and compassion, I just want to suggest that you don't *have* to do anything for him. You have complete control over what you are willing to do and what you are not. Does it bother you at all that if he had stayed in rehab you wouldn't be the one listening to him talk and vent--that the rehab staff could be the ones to do that?

Wishing you peace! -JJ

msjeckyll

i never planned on kicking him out if he left rehab. rehab wasn't an ultimatum. i didn't force him to go, he went on his own.

what is it that i've said that makes you think i feel like i "have" to do for him? aside from doing all the things i'd be responsible for if he weren't there at all (which would be the only alternative to this story), i don't see me feeling responsible for him, his laundry, his medications, his lunch, or his world.

i do feel like i should treat him the same as i would any friend/relative struggling. is it taxing? yes. i'd be lying if i said it wasn't.
do i feel like he's taking me for granted? no, not really. i'm tired, i'm having emotional issues that i suppose should only be shared with my shrink. I feel like its all starting to catch up with me, where i was very upbeat last week, i'm tired this week. i'm tired of being so happy and encouraging to EVERYONE all the time, kids included. i kinda feel like i need a day to myself. entirely. just to recharge.

if he had stayed in rehab, sure, life would have been easier. i won't argue that. but we all don't get to make that decision.

Today marks day 8 of his journey. we are no where near the end, but instead, every day is a new beginning.

jjj111

This is what I meant:

i'm tired of being so happy and encouraging to EVERYONE all the time, kids included. i kinda feel like i need a day to myself. entirely. just to recharge.

You can stop being happy and encouraging. You can tell him you've had enough of being his cheerleader. It's your call! Only you can say where your boundaries are, but once you figure that out, you *are* allowed to set them!

msjeckyll

it seems like you take this as in what i'm saying regards only HIM.

but. i am not talking about just him. i have two kids that take a ton of energy. a mom that is physically disabled and who doesn't have much of a social life to speak of, and a little sister that has borderline personality disorders, schizoaffective bipolar disorder, along with no drivers license and no way of really getting around on her own.

i'm sure you can understand why i might seem exhausted. why i feel like i'm running on empty in the happy encouragement side of the world.

so, i know i fit the "codependent" description, however...i am also a caretaker of people who cannot take care of themselves. NOT talking about my AH, but the rest of the reasons why i might feel exhausted.

jjj111

MJ, I guess many of us here are struggling to find the serenity to accept the things we can't change and the courage to change the things we can--and, of course, the wisdom to know the difference! I certainly struggle every day to figure this out in my own life. Good luck!

Eve13

msjeckyll - Sincerely, you have a lot on your plate with your family health issues, children, and spouse seeking to be clean. We all need to recharge our batteries regardless of our situation. When the well runs dry, there is no more water for the village. (if that makes sense). If your art gives you that energy - great! I encourage you to talk with your counselor if you haven't yet for ideas that will help. Yoga? Meditation? What will give you strength and power when you are tired and worn out.

Sounds like you've covered all your bases - children's school, keeping them busy and involved, taking care of your partner, bills etc. That's a lot to keep under control. Glad you're continuing the updates here. We are all here because we have something in common.

incitingsilence

There is a saying, whatever pisses you off the most is where you probably need to pay attention.

My husband is a heroin addict in recovery...

The melatonin, that isn’t a solution to sleep, only time is. This isn't some random sleepless night, this is wd. Nothing tends to help with the sleep expect things that can become a problem because they are addictive in nature. Even that is hit and miss.

If he can get moving it will trip some natural happy chemicals in the brain. A walk, a run even better…Some exercise goes a long way in wd. Fluids still, avoid sugar and Gatorade, water the best, oj in the morning for the C…cal mag zinc, awesome…from there real good whole foods, red meat/fish/chicken iron and protein, veggies and fruits for energy…6 smaller meals a day always better…

Resolve…I know so many who had resolve. Hell I can play back the words of a friend as he waited, with nothing left. The gf gone, the job gone, no home, he was sitting waiting on that call for a bed … which did come. He was so done, he lost it all every thing but was still so grateful for his life that day, anyway…He was still grateful the day before that last shot that did take his life.

Will power will have nothing to do with this. Surrender though goes a long way. Hell this is the easy part, the physical for as brutal as it can be or seem watching. The mental that will come… days, weeks, months after there will be this relentless whisper that ever so slightly gets louder and louder until the screaming in your head drives you mad.

He needs to get himself some support, daily…from those who have been there done that and understand exactly what he is going through.

Issues, with pain with depression and meds prescribed, this is madness and always will be because nothing is real for a long time. So much is a head trip, the brain looking for the one thing that will get you to use. It takes a long time, at least 6 months a year even better to know how your head is in a depression sort of way, how the pain is on a real pain scale. The time abusing really screws everything up. And of course he liked the pain meds better, they have ad properties, they mask everything the physical, the mental. Oxy is made from thebain, the speedy part of the opiate poppy, so it give that energy boost, Opiates are the true meaning of heaven and hell, to know which state you are in is a easy as to use or not to use.


As I advise everyone if you want him to have a chance at getting well, then the only thing you need to do is work on yourself, nothing more is needed.

And if you need a silver lining, that will be the day you realize that you know nothing at all unless it is yours.

I hope you stick around, there is a lot to learn.

Take good care of you.

And good luck to him.

Lily1918

Eloquently written.

msjeckyll

day 10.

he's not taking his anti-anxiety pills (buspar) or his anti-depressants. Found that out this morning. his lack of sleep is making him incredibly irritable. he's fine almost all day long, then towards evening, he starts getting really agitated.

so yeah.

he "refuses" to take anything that might help him, because it doesn't do what the oxy did, and he sees no point in taking something he doesn't like instead of having what he did like. he said something really scary about all he thinks about is taking that last pill he'd ever have to take.

yet 10 days ago, he was telling me what a nightmare it was, and how awful he felt about it, how much he wanted to get out of that cycle.


i couldn't listen to his conversation last night, or this morning after dropping the kids off. i excused myself and told him he needs to find people that know how to deal with these feelings.

please don't post any "told you so" or more things to make me feel like a bad guy for being so positive early into his recovery. I can't handle any of that today. i just wanted to post this so i kept up with my updates.

Katiekate

We all understand, we have all been there, and some of us had been in this cycle over and over again.

His addiction is in full swing, it is cunning and very very strong.

You have done nothing wrong, you had hope, we all have.

Honey, I am so sorry , this is so painful.

We are here, your recovery is very important to us.

He will do what he will do, how can we support you.

Katie

pinkdog

Hi Ms. jekyll, I am sending you warm thoughts and prayers. Although the meetings are far away, I think it would be very helpful for you. Also protect yourself with a separate bank account that he cannot access.

overit263

Very well said inciting!!! No one is here to tell you "I told you so", if anything, most of us have been through the same feelings that you are going through right now. It's good to be hopeful, and cautiously hopeful...you aren't alone in your feelings, I was just like you, I was putting everyone, especially my AH first and didn't even realize it. Now we are getting divorced and you know what? I don't have to hide my belongings that are worth anything, I don't have to worry if he's taking his anti anxiety/bipolar meds, I don't have to worry about him being where he says he is so on and on and on. You need to take care of you just like the rest of us. You have obviously been put into a position with family already where you are the responsible one that has taken on a caregiver role, and it's easy for us to fall into that position with our AH's too. People would ask me "how are you doing" and I would reply with how my addict husband was doing, and I didn't even realize I was doing that. It's okay to say "I'm just taking care of me and my children and I don't have room for anyone else!". It's not being selfish, it's making sure that his disease doesn't become your disease without you using. They can slowly destroy us without us even realizing it.

LoveMeNow

I also believed I was being a loving, supportive wife.....over and over again....the cycle as they say. I couldn't see that I was still putting him first. Without realizing it, I had the mindset....if he gets better, I will be better and we will be better. His recovery came before my own time and time again.

Your "story" is so similar to many of us. I don't think anyone wants to say "I told you so" we just wanted to share our experiences with you so you could gain insight to taking care of you.

We do care. Addiction is heartbreaking and we just are no match for it. Not our love, not our children's love.....it's just that powerful and an addict has to be really sick and tired of it to make a committed life long change. I don't know if your husband is there, I just found out my husband wasn't. Very sad!

Txhelp

You were right on in telling him to find people that could support him...regarding those feelings.

It will be good, for both of you, be in charge of your own recovery. You have many items on your plate. It will only leave you frustrated in hearing those negatives feelings.

Hang in there!

OneNightAWeek

My husband is in the process of stopping also. He has over a week now so about where your husband is at, except he uses cocaine. He was telling me his whole body is begging him for a line of coke. Its both mental and physical with both our husbands I think. This stuff they are going through is not easy. I know with your husband talking about his old drugs its hard to hear. It was very hard for me to hear what my husband said. We are expecting our first child, and his goal is to get past this before the baby comes early next year.

The mind does get weak with all the pressure from the body, the pain and discomfort. My husband also isnt sleeping well, is short tempered, has even broken some things out of frustration. Not directed at me, but he sure had fun smashing up that bag of fresh tomatoes. Hang in there, and there should be NO, I told you so's, and no reason to lose hope. The doctor Im working with told me to expect this, and said it will get better if he hangs in there. Its hard right now, Im occupying myself with work, my graduate studies, and planning for our baby. It sounds like you have a lot going on in your life also. That day of rest you mentioned sounds good to me too.

KeepinItReal

I really hope you don't blame yourself. There is nothing you could do to change what his body and his mind is telling him to do. If addicts could quit for their loved ones they would!!! If we could go through the recovery for them - we would. We can't. We can't make it any easier or hurt any less than it has to. It's their battle. We are just spectators. However, I do believe you can encourage him to get treatment... or direct them towards treatment centers they may have not known are available to him. You can do your homework and find some gov't funded or private funded centers. Even a 2 or 3 day outpatient center. This will still be more affordable then spending all the money on pills. I really hope that he gets professional help and stops burdening you (unintentionally) My AH has never been successful staying off opiates (even back when it was just pills) for any extended amount of time (a week or more) without professional help. Even with help.. he's managed a few months. But, everyone is different. Praying for you and the family.