i am so lost. so alone. any help at all would be a blessing.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 36
i feel like i'm being negative, when he is still on his recovery mission. he's 10 days from where he was. he's 10 days clean.
and i am so proud of him for that.
but all the rest of what he has been saying contradicts the thought process of someone who actively wants to be sober. of someone who believes life can be better. its like as if someone else moved into his head.
he hasn't done anything really since he first came home. he's supposed to go back to work next week, but he can't find the energy to even help out with laundry. he's been managing to make his own dinner, and shave his face. but as far as anything else is concerned? he watches tv and sits around the house. He was going to start drinking to help with his WD feelings.
yes. thats a good idea. drink to drown the feeling of what hell you might have put someone else through. drink to drown the voices reminding you that its no ones fault but your own. drink so you can have something else to fall back on when you can't have what you want.
and i am so proud of him for that.
but all the rest of what he has been saying contradicts the thought process of someone who actively wants to be sober. of someone who believes life can be better. its like as if someone else moved into his head.
he hasn't done anything really since he first came home. he's supposed to go back to work next week, but he can't find the energy to even help out with laundry. he's been managing to make his own dinner, and shave his face. but as far as anything else is concerned? he watches tv and sits around the house. He was going to start drinking to help with his WD feelings.
yes. thats a good idea. drink to drown the feeling of what hell you might have put someone else through. drink to drown the voices reminding you that its no ones fault but your own. drink so you can have something else to fall back on when you can't have what you want.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 157
This link was given to me by someone on the thread I have going. I read it, and helpful.
http://poppswebsite.com/awareness/po...withdrawal-paw
I could have written your post. My husband did drink over the weekend, and it did make him feel better and relieved his symptoms. We talked about it, calmly, and he knows it is not the solution.
Your husband should contact his doctor to explain how he is feeling. Always keep the doctor in the loop. Keeps him accountable, and doesnt let him fall into the Im hiding what Im doing, Im ashamed of how I feel, I can maybe sneak and no one will know. Talking to the doctor makes it real for him, and will let him have his pain and feelings validated.
http://poppswebsite.com/awareness/po...withdrawal-paw
I could have written your post. My husband did drink over the weekend, and it did make him feel better and relieved his symptoms. We talked about it, calmly, and he knows it is not the solution.
Your husband should contact his doctor to explain how he is feeling. Always keep the doctor in the loop. Keeps him accountable, and doesnt let him fall into the Im hiding what Im doing, Im ashamed of how I feel, I can maybe sneak and no one will know. Talking to the doctor makes it real for him, and will let him have his pain and feelings validated.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
MJ, I can't speak for others on SR, but in my case, the patterns of codependency run deep in my personality. I constantly have the urge to fix people. It's hard for me to hear from other people on SR who are going through heartache similar to what I have experienced without trying to solve their problems for them. But of course, we are all on our own journeys. I have to remind myself of that every day, and still I struggle. Like addicts, we codependents have to find recovery on our own terms, and no amount of pleading, rescuing, or guilting will change that. All I can do is share my own experience.
I feel your pain. I, too, have loved an addict and felt the waves of hope and despair that come with that. In my case, after listening to myself in therapy for long enough I realized that these waves of hope and despair were a pattern, and I felt the need to break out of that cycle. I came to the conclusion that the only way to do this was to detach from toxic relationships with love. This is a constant struggle for me, and I still struggle every day to fight the urge to go into fixing mode. You are on your own journey and will find what works best for you in your own time.
Wishing you peace and serenity!
I feel your pain. I, too, have loved an addict and felt the waves of hope and despair that come with that. In my case, after listening to myself in therapy for long enough I realized that these waves of hope and despair were a pattern, and I felt the need to break out of that cycle. I came to the conclusion that the only way to do this was to detach from toxic relationships with love. This is a constant struggle for me, and I still struggle every day to fight the urge to go into fixing mode. You are on your own journey and will find what works best for you in your own time.
Wishing you peace and serenity!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
Onenight,
Thanks for sharing the link above although I realize it was for msjeckyll, it will help others I am sure. Msjeckyll, you are in my prayers. Being a family member of an addict is so hard. You want to help but not enable and it is such a fine line isn't it? I, like jjj111, am codependent. I read Codependent NO More twice now. I too always want to fix people and have tried to do this for my son (although not all the time). I find it is an ongoing work in progress. Don't beat yourself up. You aren't being negative but trying to be realistic and being careful after being hurt. I get it, believe me. Cautiously optimistic is what I call it. Hope he continues with his recovery and things get better for both of you.
Thanks for sharing the link above although I realize it was for msjeckyll, it will help others I am sure. Msjeckyll, you are in my prayers. Being a family member of an addict is so hard. You want to help but not enable and it is such a fine line isn't it? I, like jjj111, am codependent. I read Codependent NO More twice now. I too always want to fix people and have tried to do this for my son (although not all the time). I find it is an ongoing work in progress. Don't beat yourself up. You aren't being negative but trying to be realistic and being careful after being hurt. I get it, believe me. Cautiously optimistic is what I call it. Hope he continues with his recovery and things get better for both of you.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Originally Posted by msjeckyll 
i feel like i'm being negative, when he is still on his recovery mission. he's 10 days from where he was. he's 10 days clean.
and i am so proud of him for that.
but all the rest of what he has been saying contradicts the thought process of someone who actively wants to be sober. of someone who believes life can be better. its like as if someone else moved into his head.
he hasn't done anything really since he first came home. he's supposed to go back to work next week, but he can't find the energy to even help out with laundry. he's been managing to make his own dinner, and shave his face. but as far as anything else is concerned? he watches tv and sits around the house. He was going to start drinking to help with his WD feelings.
yes. thats a good idea. drink to drown the feeling of what hell you might have put someone else through. drink to drown the voices reminding you that its no ones fault but your own. drink so you can have something else to fall back on when you can't have what you want.
and i am so proud of him for that.
but all the rest of what he has been saying contradicts the thought process of someone who actively wants to be sober. of someone who believes life can be better. its like as if someone else moved into his head.
he hasn't done anything really since he first came home. he's supposed to go back to work next week, but he can't find the energy to even help out with laundry. he's been managing to make his own dinner, and shave his face. but as far as anything else is concerned? he watches tv and sits around the house. He was going to start drinking to help with his WD feelings.
yes. thats a good idea. drink to drown the feeling of what hell you might have put someone else through. drink to drown the voices reminding you that its no ones fault but your own. drink so you can have something else to fall back on when you can't have what you want.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 36
thank you all for the support and the kindness.
here we are, day 11. he's miserable. he's depressed, anxious, paranoid, and his legs hurt so very much. his emotions range from anxious to pissed off. he stays quiet the whole time the kids are up and around, and then before bed, he melts down. he can't sleep. which makes him more mad and more anxious, and then combats any rest he might have been able to get. I told him exercise would help, he fights back with him having no energy to do anything and his knees hurting too much to even walk around.
he told me if he's not feeling better by sunday, he will sign himself into a psych ward or something. he's tired of being so mad.
i gave him links that you've all suggested. Onenightaweek, that link taught me alot, thank you. He scoffed at it and swears this isn't some syndrome, that he is legitimately in fine "mental" state to deal with his problems, and he didn't have a problem with any of this.
but he walked himself into detox, swearing he was tired of this situation.
its such a contradiction, and i'm exhausted. i can't keep up. i wish i weren't so alone in all of this. i know i've got SR, but...honestly...the emotional stuff that is going on is just ridiculous. i've never been this much in turmoil in my own head over someone elses problem.
and i keep walking away. i keep finding myself not even listening when he starts ranting. its like i'm there, but i'm not. i want so bad to find peace.
here we are, day 11. he's miserable. he's depressed, anxious, paranoid, and his legs hurt so very much. his emotions range from anxious to pissed off. he stays quiet the whole time the kids are up and around, and then before bed, he melts down. he can't sleep. which makes him more mad and more anxious, and then combats any rest he might have been able to get. I told him exercise would help, he fights back with him having no energy to do anything and his knees hurting too much to even walk around.
he told me if he's not feeling better by sunday, he will sign himself into a psych ward or something. he's tired of being so mad.
i gave him links that you've all suggested. Onenightaweek, that link taught me alot, thank you. He scoffed at it and swears this isn't some syndrome, that he is legitimately in fine "mental" state to deal with his problems, and he didn't have a problem with any of this.
but he walked himself into detox, swearing he was tired of this situation.
its such a contradiction, and i'm exhausted. i can't keep up. i wish i weren't so alone in all of this. i know i've got SR, but...honestly...the emotional stuff that is going on is just ridiculous. i've never been this much in turmoil in my own head over someone elses problem.
and i keep walking away. i keep finding myself not even listening when he starts ranting. its like i'm there, but i'm not. i want so bad to find peace.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Upstate NY, in the Adirondacks
Posts: 232
Msjeckyl,
Can you get him to go back to a rehab? Some of them are wonderful. If he is considering a "psych ward," that might seem like a good option to him. But be careful that he doesn't decide to have one last "fling" with his drug before he goes. He may be playing with that, and acting like this for that reason.
Addiction is hell, on him, and on you. The difference is that you don't have to stay with it.
Best to you,
Nancy
Can you get him to go back to a rehab? Some of them are wonderful. If he is considering a "psych ward," that might seem like a good option to him. But be careful that he doesn't decide to have one last "fling" with his drug before he goes. He may be playing with that, and acting like this for that reason.
Addiction is hell, on him, and on you. The difference is that you don't have to stay with it.
Best to you,
Nancy
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by msjeckyll
Onenightaweek, that link taught me alot, thank you. He scoffed at it and swears this isn't some syndrome, that he is legitimately in fine "mental" state to deal with his problems, and he didn't have a problem with any of this.
I have a lot of empathy for my husband and what he is going through right now, I know he is in real agony at times, at least mentally. Its also hard to be around someone who is like this. It can draw you in, and make you emotional also. It doesnt help me that I have crazy pregnancy hormones right now.
Reading what you wrote, it doesnt sound like your husband will be able to go back to work next week, OR maybe it would help him. Does he have a lot of stress on his job? My husband has been making it through the days but he has taken some of his bad mood out on the people he works with . I wrote it in my thread, but one of the guys who works for him complaigned to my husband boss that he was pushing them too hard. So his boss called him in and asked what was up, assumes it is because of the baby coming and he is dealing with emotions, and told him to take the team out to lunch, and then let everyone go home early. Since then I think he has been watching himself more at work, but it could be a recipe for disaster.
Im there with you in spirit.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Welcome to wd,
Oh and it should be here HE IS on day 11, watch that we it bites back...
No paws yet he is still dealing with the physical. Look if you were told that 3-5 day flu...5 to 7 day flu...they lied. It is the drug, the half life, the time in, amount used the how many times they tried this before, metabolism...everything plays. He is in physical wd still. He needs a pink cloud, the point where you see light at the end of the tunnel and then PAWS will hit. It is so twisted.
And this ....
"i've never been this much in turmoil in my own head over someone elses problem."
This is the most important thing you wrote, you need to figure this out more than anything. Might be time for you to not worry about him anymore and where his head is and start worrying about your own.
I know this might seem hard to understand but what he is going through makes sense, this is a huge part of being addicted to opiates...
But what you are does not.
Oh and it should be here HE IS on day 11, watch that we it bites back...
No paws yet he is still dealing with the physical. Look if you were told that 3-5 day flu...5 to 7 day flu...they lied. It is the drug, the half life, the time in, amount used the how many times they tried this before, metabolism...everything plays. He is in physical wd still. He needs a pink cloud, the point where you see light at the end of the tunnel and then PAWS will hit. It is so twisted.
And this ....
"i've never been this much in turmoil in my own head over someone elses problem."
This is the most important thing you wrote, you need to figure this out more than anything. Might be time for you to not worry about him anymore and where his head is and start worrying about your own.
I know this might seem hard to understand but what he is going through makes sense, this is a huge part of being addicted to opiates...
But what you are does not.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Hi MJ, A bit late but Welcome to SR! I have been following your thread. I feel your pain. Not so much from my husband, but my 2 AD's. The 19 yr old is in recovery, IOP, the other reminds me of your husband. She want to do this her way, she started with Oxys then progressed to heroin. It's so hard to admit, she is only 22. I think where did I go wrong? Why didn't I see the signs? The best piece of advice I ever received was from SR, my friend Lyoness, plus others and my family Dr. It was to to breathe...eat, drink fluids mostly take care of myself. B/c if I don't who will take care of my other children. I finally looked at addiction as a disease and I educated myself on how it takes over. Tis addictive voice everyone speaks of is so powerful in the addicts mind you can almost hear it, certainly you might predict it and mostly you know by know what pi$$es it off. Hope is a wonderful word to keep thinking about. You can't fix your beloved husband, but you can help him. Your children are young, kids are understanding, more so than adults at times. They don't judge, yet, they love. Love yourself, children, husband and life. Try not to overwhelm yourself, MJ, it only makes things worse. Take life as it comes each day. About PAWS...my youngest is 8 weeks sober and feels the PAWS. Advil works some, it's better than nothing. Educate yourself, especially about the PAWS, every addict is different, every withdrawal is alittle different, like a finger print, no two are the same. Enough from me, I tend to rant. Be good to yourself, do something good for YOU, gently hug your children, you are their rock right now, maybe if the time seems ok, tell that husband of yours that you still love him, he just might appreciate a positive word. Hugs to you of course, TF
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Originally Posted by msjeckyll
thank you all for the support and the kindness.
here we are, day 11. he's miserable. he's depressed, anxious, paranoid, and his legs hurt so very much. his emotions range from anxious to pissed off. he stays quiet the whole time the kids are up and around, and then before bed, he melts down. he can't sleep. which makes him more mad and more anxious, and then combats any rest he might have been able to get. I told him exercise would help, he fights back with him having no energy to do anything and his knees hurting too much to even walk around.
he told me if he's not feeling better by sunday, he will sign himself into a psych ward or something. he's tired of being so mad.
i gave him links that you've all suggested. Onenightaweek, that link taught me alot, thank you. He scoffed at it and swears this isn't some syndrome, that he is legitimately in fine "mental" state to deal with his problems, and he didn't have a problem with any of this.
but he walked himself into detox, swearing he was tired of this situation.
its such a contradiction, and i'm exhausted. i can't keep up. i wish i weren't so alone in all of this. i know i've got SR, but...honestly...the emotional stuff that is going on is just ridiculous. i've never been this much in turmoil in my own head over someone elses problem.
and i keep walking away. i keep finding myself not even listening when he starts ranting. its like i'm there, but i'm not. i want so bad to find peace.
here we are, day 11. he's miserable. he's depressed, anxious, paranoid, and his legs hurt so very much. his emotions range from anxious to pissed off. he stays quiet the whole time the kids are up and around, and then before bed, he melts down. he can't sleep. which makes him more mad and more anxious, and then combats any rest he might have been able to get. I told him exercise would help, he fights back with him having no energy to do anything and his knees hurting too much to even walk around.
he told me if he's not feeling better by sunday, he will sign himself into a psych ward or something. he's tired of being so mad.
i gave him links that you've all suggested. Onenightaweek, that link taught me alot, thank you. He scoffed at it and swears this isn't some syndrome, that he is legitimately in fine "mental" state to deal with his problems, and he didn't have a problem with any of this.
but he walked himself into detox, swearing he was tired of this situation.
its such a contradiction, and i'm exhausted. i can't keep up. i wish i weren't so alone in all of this. i know i've got SR, but...honestly...the emotional stuff that is going on is just ridiculous. i've never been this much in turmoil in my own head over someone elses problem.
and i keep walking away. i keep finding myself not even listening when he starts ranting. its like i'm there, but i'm not. i want so bad to find peace.
I realized after I made the exercise comment yesterday, your husband does have medical issues with his legs. I didn't mean to be insensitive to that. My husband got started on pain meds due to an injury to his arm/shoulder so he was limited also, but its worse when the legs are affected I know. My husband did Tai Chi in rehab, and still continues it. Its a sort of meditation with slow movements and helps with stress, anxiety. I have done the Tai Chi with him, but its sort of his special thing, and I do yoga movements which give me a little better workout anyway (which I need more than him, of course).
Hope you both have a good night.
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