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the nail in the coffin

Old 11-09-2012, 10:52 PM
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the nail in the coffin

So tonight, after another stint of no contact. Yet still no direct contact. Enough contact to make my mind start rambling.

My ex-recovering-addict-bf wrote me a letter sometime in October, asking me to take him back while he was in rehab. The letter didn't state much except for the fact that he wanted to get back together, he had guilt about things that had happened. Didn't address much aside from the fact that he wanted me next to him when he got out of rehab.

Post receiving the letter: we had been broken up for almost three months, after four years of being together. In September 2011 he came out of the closet for an intravenous oxy addiction. He went to rehab in early 2012 after trying to 'handle it himself' and some how between September and June he had gone from oxys to morphine to heroin all injecting from my understanding. I stayed with him until June. We broke up on account of me not deciding if I wanted to be with him and him saying that he couldn't get sober and be with me. I respected that and moved out. (We had lived together for almost 3 years.) Three weeks later, maybe not even after mounds of calls and texts he convinced me to come to his house. After the next three worst weeks of my life, including having to have him arrested for attempted suicide. Getting called a variety of names. He broke up with me yet again, shocker. Mainly because he was selling everything he owned and apparently moving. Then after that of course he wanted to get back together, he was changing. Got accidental texts proving otherwise. Whatever, at that point I had been hurt enough. In August I decided no contact was the way to go. Blocked him off of facebook, when I got a job I changed my phone number (bc my original number was out on resumes). He went to rehab somewhere at the beginning of October (that was stated in the letter). He sent the letter to my sisters house bc he had called her trying to get her to give him my number, she gave him her address instead told him he could write me there. Might I add, he knows how to talk to people he has some wicked people skills. So I got his letter. I knew it was coming, but I honestly wasn't impressed. So first I wrote how I felt, then a couple days later a less angry me wrote him a second part to the letter. Neither parts of this letter indicated that I would take him back, because I clearly have my own issues, and I've had enough of his. But in the first part of the letter I explained in detail the nights he probably didn't remember three nights that I didn't feel it was fair that I have to live with them and he got to be high. Those three nights are the most painful memories I have in my mind to date. Something that I wish that I could erase. But I can't. One being the night he told me he was going to kill himself and I had him arrested. He was driving wouldn't tell me where he was said if a car accident didn't kill him the drugs would. So I found his license plate number and called the cops, I didn't really see any other options available to me at the time. Four hours later he came home (to the place I moved out of, we were supposed to talk that I went there to an unlocked door and no him, that is when i called him and he told me his plan, and I called the cops). His parents insisted he be arrested, and convinced the police over the phone that it was best. So I went out to my car painfully crying on the phone with his sister. Anyways when they brought him outside he yelled and cussed at me told me 'get the **** out of here'. So I did, after the cops left of course who had me cornered into not moving my vehicle. Not everything in my letter was angry and descriptive of bad times, I wrote to him about my good memories of him that I thought that he was much smarter than he was acting and a bunch of other good things I feel for him. Still none of which indicating that we could be together, because right now isn't the time he is fresh from rehab and I have been by his side in the past and it got me no where and him no where too. I said his letter was too soon, but I couldn't ever say we would be together because predicting the future is impossible. How do I know he would be clean. How do we know if we would still even care for one another when the time came, if it did.

Anyways. In my letter, I asked him to let me know he received it. Tonight my sister and I were hanging out and she asked me if I ever wrote him back. Which I did. Which brought on some stupid feeling, maybe my codependency I don't know because I'm just reading and learning about it so that I can hopefully one day recover from that. But I asked my sister to just message him (I meant on facebook) and see if he got my letter. For whatever reason she knew he could text and she texted him. And his response was "Got it yesterday, tell her sorry and good luck". My response even right now is all cuss words in my head. Of course I'm not going to voice my opinion on what he said. My sister said that she would tell me. Then he proceeded to say his family was with him and he gets out on Sunday. I don't know why he told her that, she asked him. He didn't know either apparently.

But I am so angry. First of all, I took the time to write him a letter which in the beginning I didn't want to do but I felt guilty because he said that it would help him to deal with us not being together in the right place. Then I thought it would be good to get my feelings out on paper, and let him know how I was feeling. So I did, I sent the letter after about a week of mulling things over. I am also angry because to me personally when someone is sorry for what they do its not a 'oh yeah p.s. im sorry' if someone is sorry they tell you why, they are descriptive. I just don't feel like he's sorry for what happened at all? I know I can't control that obviously but it is just so frustrating to know that I loved someone so in-genuine, insincere, so self centered. It makes me feel like I must have the worst judgement in people to think that he would have more to say than that. I have been really mad and upset through all of this. But this is the nail in the coffin, I don't understand how someone could be so insensitive to think after everything that happened they should just pass a sorry through my sister to give to me. To me, he doesn't care about me and never did, probably never loved me either. I officially feel like I have wasted four years of my life. Sure I walked away with a life lesson. But its one I would've rather not learnt. Lots of people are good people through life, and don't have to be taught lessons through addiction. I got over being angry I thought, but now it is fuming right back up inside of me. I just wish someone could explain this to me? It just seems wrong. Maybe I'm overreacting, but it hurts. I don't know where to put the anger and sadness from once again feeling like I have never had any idea who this person was all along. It must have been a facade.
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Old 11-09-2012, 11:02 PM
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I dont really know what to say. Im going through something like that... and I dont really know what to do.. i have a post also.
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Old 11-10-2012, 06:43 AM
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I understand your anger and you have a right to feel what you feel. On the other hand, expecting a well thought-out, heartfelt apology from someone who is currently withdrawing from drugs (it takes months!), confused and worried about his future and ability to stay sober, feeling sorry for himself, and having just been rejected by his love interest, I can't say that I am surprised by his response to your letter.

My recovering addict son would probably respond the same way -- and I also know that the shame he feels about his past actions is the heaviest and most crippling burden he carries. Does he talk about it much? Hell no. But I know that about him. I know that he is working hard to get to that place where he CAN talk about it....where he does have the strength to apologize properly. He knows it's the key to recovery....but it's hard. All his life he's conned and manipulated people....he has a LOT to apologize for. It may never come.

Sometimes I am pretty angry, too. But mostly I am sad and disappointed when I don't see that healing taking place. I am forever hopeful and pray that someday he will be healed of this spiritual malady.
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Old 11-10-2012, 12:41 PM
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Right now, if he is working his recovery, his focus must be on himself. Rehab teaches them how to live life on life's terms but the real test begins when he leaves. His life depends on him staying on a good path right now, his life depends on him focusing on his recovery.

It may seem unfair, but right now the last thing he needs to do is engage in a toxic interchange with you or anyone else. He may owe you a thousand apologies, and maybe one day you will get them. But you won't get them if he dies of addiction, and that's what is a steak right now.

What may help you work through the anger and emotional upset is to begin working your own recovery right now. Have you tried any meetings for yourself? Al-anon, Nar-anon or CoDA are three similar fellowships that can help you regain your balance and begin living your life in a healthier way also...regardless of whether he stays in his recovery or not.

Maybe give it a try, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Hugs
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Old 11-10-2012, 02:30 PM
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Originally Posted by 90210 View Post
But I am so angry.

I understand and respect your anger. Nothing wrong with it. There's a time and place for it and while you don't want it to be a lifestyle or a personality characteristic, there's nothing wrong with appropriate anger.


First of all, I took the time to write him a letter which in the beginning I didn't want to do ...

This is not his fault. You didn't want to do it, but you did it anyway. You didn't respect your own feelings, so it's natural that when you got burned, you are angry. But the anger should be with yourself, if this is even something to be angry about. Maybe just look at it as a lesson: next time you don't want to do something in regards to him, don't. Respect your own feelings first.


"... but I felt guilty ...."

Your feelings of guilt aren't his responsibility or fault. If you do things that hurt yourself out of guilt, that's a 'you' issue, probably one to work on with a therapist.


"...because he said that it would help him to deal with us not being together in the right place..."

Unless you are his therapist, you are probably not the one best able to help him deal with anything.


"...Then I thought it would be good to get my feelings out on paper..."

So you did it for yourself, not for him. Nothing wrong with that, it's actually a very good thing, but don't blame him.


"...and let him know how I was feeling...."

When was the last time you really felt as though he cared about your feelings? I'm thinking it's been a long time. If so, it's important to adjust your expectations to reality. Entrusting your feelings to someone who has shown blatant disregard for them is not wise. Also he's in addiction and recovery, and these people rarely have the ability to cope with their own feelings, much less anyone else's. Being realistic about what he can and can't do for you is a way you can take care of yourself and protect yourself.


"...I just don't feel like he's sorry for what happened at all?..."

You are probably right. Trust your gut on this.


"...It is just so frustrating to know that I loved someone so in-genuine, insincere, so self centered. It makes me feel like I must have the worst judgement in people to think that he would have more to say than that..."

I don't know your story, but probably at one time, pre-addiction, if you and he had such a time together, he probably did love and care for you genuinely, sincerely and unselfishly. Then he evolved into the selfish addict he is now.

If he was always addicted, even at the time of your choosing him, then you need to get your people picker adjusted--look at yourself about why he an addict was attractive to you.

SR is filled with people including me like that, so don't be embarassed or ashamed or angry with yourself. Just figure out how to make the people picking adjustment (easier said than done, but so worth it).


"... I don't understand how someone could be so insensitive..."

That's why they use drugs and alcohol, so they don't feel. They want to dull and nullify the sensitivity.


"... To me, he doesn't care about me and never did, probably never loved me either..."

Probably not true. He loved you because you are loveable. He's just not capable of acting out of love. My kids' dad loves them. He was a total beast to them right up to the day his parental rights were suspended by a judge. But he loved them. It's not so simple. Not cut and dry. There's the feeling and then there's the action...and then there's addiction.

All that really matters is he doesn't make you feel loved, he doesn't make you happy.


"... I got over being angry I thought, but now it is fuming right back up inside of me. I just wish someone could explain this to me? ...

Because the anger isn't so much about him, it's about you. Your frustrated needs, your guilt, your unmet expectations, etc... When you sort those things out in yourself, rather than wait for him to sort them out for you by behaving the way you think he should, the anger will take care of itself. Anger is telling you to change your circumstance...it's not telling you to force him to change his.

Like I said, I respect anger and see nothing wrong with it. I would far rather see a friend or family member angry about what's going on than full of false hope, denial and excuses. Anger used right can be the fuel a person uses to fix their own life.

Good luck to you!
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Old 11-10-2012, 03:03 PM
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If he's in early recovery he's not going to give you an in depth apology he's going to be workong on getting off the drugs along with the reasons why he took them etc etc. it also depends on the language in which you wrote the letter to him. For instance did you put you did this you that you hurt me n so Forth - or if you put 'it hurt when you did this that or other. Things get misinterpreted via letter.

All this aside what are you going to do
To make YOU feel better? Please stop trying to figure out his actions its impossible.
Take care
Evey xxx
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Old 11-10-2012, 04:03 PM
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Anger is telling you to change your circumstance...it's not telling you to force him to change his

I needed that thanks
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Old 11-10-2012, 07:46 PM
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JustBeYourself: Thanks for replying. I will check out your post shortly. 
Tjp613: Thank you for replying. Iím sorry to hear about your son I couldnít imagine the pain you feel as a mother. I hope the best for your son.
Regarding the letter: to me it doesnít make sense because he had no problem writing a well thought out I want you back letter. So, how come its not hard to express those feelings yet an apology is too hard except a simple sorry. If he is so incapable of expressing himself then he shouldnít have written me a letter at all.
Ann: I couldnít agree more that his focus should be on himself, I said that in my reply to him. But if he is so focused on himself than why write me a letter to begin with? I also wasnít expecting an interchange, I didnít want a reply from him at all. I just wanted to know he got the letter, bc it didnít make sense to me that you can receive packages/letters in rehab. Also I think I wanted to know that what I had to say was heard. I have realized I donít need an apology from him, I didnít from the beginning I think getting a Ďsorry and best of luckí was worse to me than nothing. I didnít need a reply. I was fine leaving things with how they were, I was fine leaving things how they were before I received a letter. The fact that he wrote me an ĎI want you back letterí but couldnít write me a ĎIím sorry letterí isnít a good enough excuse that heís in recovery. If he couldnít deal with saying Iím sorry I donít think he should have written me at all. I donít want an apology in the future because I want to stick to the no-contact that was in place prior to him trying to manipulate my sister into giving him a way to contact me. I am reading the book Ďcodependent no moreí but am currently not attending meetings for a few reasons 1) My town is somewhat smaller so they occur at specific times my schedule lately between work and school has been insane 2) I donít feel like I have benefited from them in the past. I have it in the back of my mind to go when I can, but I havenít made it in a while. Thank you for your post. Seems like once I vent about it on this site I can move on a little bit better, it helps me.
SadHeart: I appreciate your response, although I found it a little bit harsh it was useful. Some things Iíd like to address, I do see a therapist it just hasnít been as often lately because of my work schedule. My Ďpeople pickingí is probably a bit off obviously, however I picked him when I was sixteen years old and Iím twenty-two. He very well could have been on the path to addiction then however, when youíre sixteen you donít think Ďis this person honestí Ďis this person someone I can trustí also at sixteen your not wondering what the future holds between you and someone else and your definitely not analyzing them to possibly be a drug addict. When I was sixteen I was doing all the same drugs as him, I thought we both phased out of that before high school had even ended but he was just a pro at hiding the truth.
Evelivible: In my letter I didnít put it in the context that he hurt me. In the letter to him, I actually blamed myself probably more than I blamed him. Because reality is, I didnít walk away when I found out in September 2011 although he downplayed his addiction I still take ownership for being there to begin with. Since last night when I wrote this post, Iím not trying to figure out his actions because I finally believe that he is as self-centered and concerned with himself as everyone who knows him says. I guess its maybe a good thing to have because he can just be concerned with his recovery. I think its most bothersome right now because everyone is saying that he canít give me a real apology because he needs to be concerned with himself, if that is so important, than like Iíve said to everyone else why write me to begin with and ask me to be part of your life. To me that is easier because he is just that selfish that he still wants what he wants but he doesnít give a damn about anyone else. From what Iím hearing that is pretty common, but being an addict isnít an excuse to me. People act like people like him, should be given a break because theyíre an addict. I think thatís b.s. What am I going to do to make ME feel better? Iím keeping this no-contact thing in place, for the rest of my life and Iíll be damned if he ever gets two feet near me ever again. I have officially learned that he has hurt me enough and this is the end of it. If he some how comes back to me in some period of time and wants to get back together, Iíll be quick to respond no. In the past 24 hours I feel like I have had a revelation, Iíve been waiting for this feeling since we broke up. I think I am finally really getting over him, I think that I have realized that I deserve someone better. If I donít find someone to be with I can still have everything that I want in this day and age. But I will not keep the contact between him and I going because now everything I could possibly have to say to him is toxic and not nice, and thatís not how I was raised. I am going to continue to read ĎCodependent No Moreí and I am going to bounce back from this 110%. Thanks for your post.

This literally was the final nail in the proverbial coffin. I will not let someone continually hurt me. I'm just happy I never thought it would be a good idea to get back together like his letter had stated.
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Old 11-10-2012, 08:49 PM
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Originally Posted by 90210 View Post
Regarding the letter: to me it doesnít make sense because he had no problem writing a well thought out I want you back letter. So, how come its not hard to express those feelings yet an apology is too hard except a simple sorry.

It does make sense. He was looking for an enabler. It's not only addicts who need enablers. Recovering addicts like them too. He wants someone to take care of him, so he wrote you a letter saying what he thought was all the right things to get you back in line.

He can write a well thought out 'want you back' letter because he actually DOES want you back--you will be useful to him in his recovery. You can take care of all those pesky little life details, help him out with housing, and money, and food and laundry and sex, and bill paying and whatever so he doesn't have to deal with all of life's aggravating mundane aspects. Plus your job was to cheer him on, support him, tell him how wonderful he is. And...if he relapses, well, there you are to take care of that too.

All of that is worth putting a half hour's effort into a letter. The "I want you back" letter was about helping himself out.

The apology letter would have been for you. He's not really sorry. That doesn't interest him. So he didn't write one. Apologizing to you doesn't further his goals or help him out in any way--why should he bother?


If he is so incapable of expressing himself then he shouldnít have written me a letter at all.

Says who? He wrote you the letter he wanted. Unfortunately he didn't write you the letter you wanted. He is capable of expressing himself when he means it.

What he 'should' and 'shouldn't' do is really not your concern. That's something you'd learn in Al-Anon, or Nar-Anon.


But if he is so focused on himself than why write me a letter to begin with?

Again because he WAS focused on himself and his needs. Your job was to fulfill his needs--and the letter was the first step to accomplish that. You are hurt because you think it's his job to fulfill your needs--and he didn't.


I also wasnít expecting an interchange, I didnít want a reply from him at all.

Really? It sure sounds like you wanted not only a reply, but you wanted a certain kind of reply.


I just wanted to know he got the letter, bc it didnít make sense to me that you can receive packages/letters in rehab.

C'mon, you know you weren't concerned or preoccupied with the question: Can he receive letters in rehab--or not?


Also I think I wanted to know that what I had to say was heard.

This is what you wanted, of course, that's why you bothered to write the letter. You wanted to heard, you wanted him to be sorry, and you wanted an apology. Nothing wrong with that. Not one thing wrong with it at all. And wanting to be heard, empathized with, and acknowledged and have someone remedy the wrong they've done you, is not a bad thing you have to hide and cover up with other excuses. You have a right to those things. Unfortunately, you probably aren't ever going to get them. Addicts, even ex-addicts, or recovering addicts just aren't good at it.

What you wanted is not shameful or weak. It's beautiful, human and dignified. It's what everyone wants. And we all deserve it. We just can't expect it from certain people.


I have realized I donít need an apology from him, I didnít from the beginning.

You might not have 'needed' it, but you did want it. And there's nothing wrong with that. I still want apologies from people who have been dead decades. (Probably not going to get them LOL). Nothing wrong with wanting. It's only wrong if you expect it. And it's only wrong to expect it because then you are setting yourself up for pain.


I think getting a Ďsorry and best of luckí was worse to me than nothing.

I understand--it seems like a brush off, flippant and disrespectful. That's why it's great you are going no contact. It prevents this sort of dismissive offense recovering addicts are so good at.


I didnít need a reply.

Again, maybe you didn't 'need' one, but you did want one. And you got one, just not the one you wanted. Nothing wrong with wanting a reply, or even wanting a certain reply. Again, though it can be setting yourself up for pain to expect it.


I was fine leaving things with how they were, I was fine leaving things how they were before I received a letter.

Boundaries such as those established in no contact, have to be erected and maintained by you. You can't tell someone (not that you did): I want no contact--and then expect that person to respect your wish. Boundaries are you saying: I want no contact--and then YOU doing the work to stop contact. If you were happier how things were before you got the letter, then you should not have accepted the letter or read it. You could have told your sister to give it back to him.

Ok, not to beat you up, this is just live and learn. He is going to test your boundary. You will be hearing from him again. Take some time and think of all the ways he can contact you, and then block those methods. Then you will be fine again.


The fact that he wrote me an ĎI want you back letterí but couldnít write me a ĎIím sorry letterí isnít a good enough excuse that heís in recovery. If he couldnít deal with saying Iím sorry I donít think he should have written me at all.

The excuse--and reason--is not that he's in recovery. It's that he isn't sorry.


He IS able to say "I'm sorry", you are just having trouble dealing with how he said it. He's fine. You went into a tailspin. This is not his fault.


In my letter I didnít put it in the context that he hurt me. In the letter to him, I actually blamed myself probably more than I blamed him. Because reality is, I didnít walk away when I found out in September 2011 although he downplayed his addiction I still take ownership for being there to begin with.

This is very true and very healthy of you. I salute you having at the young age of 22 this knowledge. Took me 20 additional years to figure that out. You are quick to learn. Congratulate yourself and be proud. You are going to make it.


Since last night when I wrote this post, Iím not trying to figure out his actions because I finally believe that he is as self-centered and concerned with himself as everyone who knows him says. I think its most bothersome right now because everyone is saying that he canít give me a real apology because he needs to be concerned with himself, if that is so important, than like Iíve said to everyone else why write me to begin with and ask me to be part of your life.

You ARE trying to figure out his actions, and it's making you crazy. You are on the right path though--stop figuring out why he does what he does, and focus on why you do what you do.


To me that is easier because he is just that selfish that he still wants what he wants but he doesnít give a damn about anyone else. From what Iím hearing that is pretty common, but being an addict isnít an excuse to me.

It's not an excuse, it's a reason.


People act like people like him, should be given a break because theyíre an addict. I think thatís b.s.

I agree.


I picked him when I was sixteen years old and Iím twenty-two....when youíre sixteen you donít think Ďis this person honestí Ďis this person someone I can trustí also at sixteen....When I was sixteen I was doing all the same drugs as him....

Well, I am impressed by you. If you are 22 (and I know you don't want to hear how young that is) and you have extracted yourself from your own drug usage and ejected this man out of your life, and have learned to take responsibility for your part of the relationship failure and are working and going to school too while still trying on improving your heart and soul and psyche, then, well, I just take my hat off to you. You are remarkable. Just remarkable.

My son is 22 and I wish he had whatever you have that is so determined to get your life together and heal. I bet you can't see it now but you are one amazing young woman.

I'm very impressed.

This letter business was a set back. Look at it closely, learn from it, and let it go. Don't focus on him, focus on you, be honest with yourself and continue on as you are. You are doing so well.
..................................

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