Originally Posted by 90210

Regarding the letter: to me it doesn’t make sense because he had no problem writing a well thought out I want you back letter. So, how come its not hard to express those feelings yet an apology is too hard except a simple sorry.

It does make sense. He was looking for an enabler. It's not only addicts who need enablers. Recovering addicts like them too. He wants someone to take care of him, so he wrote you a letter saying what he thought was all the right things to get you back in line.

He can write a well thought out 'want you back' letter because he actually DOES want you back--you will be useful to him in his recovery. You can take care of all those pesky little life details, help him out with housing, and money, and food and laundry and sex, and bill paying and whatever so he doesn't have to deal with all of life's aggravating mundane aspects. Plus your job was to cheer him on, support him, tell him how wonderful he is. And...if he relapses, well, there you are to take care of that too.

All of that is worth putting a half hour's effort into a letter. The "I want you back" letter was about helping himself out.

The apology letter would have been for you. He's not really sorry. That doesn't interest him. So he didn't write one. Apologizing to you doesn't further his goals or help him out in any way--why should he bother?

If he is so incapable of expressing himself then he shouldn’t have written me a letter at all.

Says who? He wrote you the letter he wanted. Unfortunately he didn't write you the letter you wanted. He is capable of expressing himself when he means it.

What he 'should' and 'shouldn't' do is really not your concern. That's something you'd learn in Al-Anon, or Nar-Anon.

But if he is so focused on himself than why write me a letter to begin with?

Again because he WAS focused on himself and his needs. Your job was to fulfill his needs--and the letter was the first step to accomplish that. You are hurt because you think it's his job to fulfill your needs--and he didn't.


I also wasn’t expecting an interchange, I didn’t want a reply from him at all.

Really? It sure sounds like you wanted not only a reply, but you wanted a certain kind of reply.

I just wanted to know he got the letter, bc it didn’t make sense to me that you can receive packages/letters in rehab.

C'mon, you know you weren't concerned or preoccupied with the question: Can he receive letters in rehab--or not?

Also I think I wanted to know that what I had to say was heard.

This is what you wanted, of course, that's why you bothered to write the letter. You wanted to heard, you wanted him to be sorry, and you wanted an apology. Nothing wrong with that. Not one thing wrong with it at all. And wanting to be heard, empathized with, and acknowledged and have someone remedy the wrong they've done you, is not a bad thing you have to hide and cover up with other excuses. You have a right to those things. Unfortunately, you probably aren't ever going to get them. Addicts, even ex-addicts, or recovering addicts just aren't good at it.

What you wanted is not shameful or weak. It's beautiful, human and dignified. It's what everyone wants. And we all deserve it. We just can't expect it from certain people.


I have realized I don’t need an apology from him, I didn’t from the beginning.

You might not have 'needed' it, but you did want it. And there's nothing wrong with that. I still want apologies from people who have been dead decades. (Probably not going to get them LOL). Nothing wrong with wanting. It's only wrong if you expect it. And it's only wrong to expect it because then you are setting yourself up for pain.

I think getting a ‘sorry and best of luck’ was worse to me than nothing.

I understand--it seems like a brush off, flippant and disrespectful. That's why it's great you are going no contact. It prevents this sort of dismissive offense recovering addicts are so good at.

I didn’t need a reply.

Again, maybe you didn't 'need' one, but you did want one. And you got one, just not the one you wanted. Nothing wrong with wanting a reply, or even wanting a certain reply. Again, though it can be setting yourself up for pain to expect it.

I was fine leaving things with how they were, I was fine leaving things how they were before I received a letter.

Boundaries such as those established in no contact, have to be erected and maintained by you. You can't tell someone (not that you did): I want no contact--and then expect that person to respect your wish. Boundaries are you saying: I want no contact--and then YOU doing the work to stop contact. If you were happier how things were before you got the letter, then you should not have accepted the letter or read it. You could have told your sister to give it back to him.

Ok, not to beat you up, this is just live and learn. He is going to test your boundary. You will be hearing from him again. Take some time and think of all the ways he can contact you, and then block those methods. Then you will be fine again.

The fact that he wrote me an ‘I want you back letter’ but couldn’t write me a ‘I’m sorry letter’ isn’t a good enough excuse that he’s in recovery. If he couldn’t deal with saying I’m sorry I don’t think he should have written me at all.

The excuse--and reason--is not that he's in recovery. It's that he isn't sorry.

He IS able to say "I'm sorry", you are just having trouble dealing with how he said it. He's fine. You went into a tailspin. This is not his fault.

In my letter I didn’t put it in the context that he hurt me. In the letter to him, I actually blamed myself probably more than I blamed him. Because reality is, I didn’t walk away when I found out in September 2011 although he downplayed his addiction I still take ownership for being there to begin with.

This is very true and very healthy of you. I salute you having at the young age of 22 this knowledge. Took me 20 additional years to figure that out. You are quick to learn. Congratulate yourself and be proud. You are going to make it.

Since last night when I wrote this post, I’m not trying to figure out his actions because I finally believe that he is as self-centered and concerned with himself as everyone who knows him says. I think its most bothersome right now because everyone is saying that he can’t give me a real apology because he needs to be concerned with himself, if that is so important, than like I’ve said to everyone else why write me to begin with and ask me to be part of your life.

You ARE trying to figure out his actions, and it's making you crazy. You are on the right path though--stop figuring out why he does what he does, and focus on why you do what you do.

To me that is easier because he is just that selfish that he still wants what he wants but he doesn’t give a damn about anyone else. From what I’m hearing that is pretty common, but being an addict isn’t an excuse to me.

It's not an excuse, it's a reason.

People act like people like him, should be given a break because they’re an addict. I think that’s b.s.

I agree.

I picked him when I was sixteen years old and I’m twenty-two....when you’re sixteen you don’t think ‘is this person honest’ ‘is this person someone I can trust’ also at sixteen....When I was sixteen I was doing all the same drugs as him....

Well, I am impressed by you. If you are 22 (and I know you don't want to hear how young that is) and you have extracted yourself from your own drug usage and ejected this man out of your life, and have learned to take responsibility for your part of the relationship failure and are working and going to school too while still trying on improving your heart and soul and psyche, then, well, I just take my hat off to you. You are remarkable. Just remarkable.

My son is 22 and I wish he had whatever you have that is so determined to get your life together and heal. I bet you can't see it now but you are one amazing young woman.

I'm very impressed.

This letter business was a set back. Look at it closely, learn from it, and let it go. Don't focus on him, focus on you, be honest with yourself and continue on as you are. You are doing so well.