So tonight, after another stint of no contact. Yet still no direct contact. Enough contact to make my mind start rambling.
My ex-recovering-addict-bf wrote me a letter sometime in October, asking me to take him back while he was in rehab. The letter didn't state much except for the fact that he wanted to get back together, he had guilt about things that had happened. Didn't address much aside from the fact that he wanted me next to him when he got out of rehab.
Post receiving the letter: we had been broken up for almost three months, after four years of being together. In September 2011 he came out of the closet for an intravenous oxy addiction. He went to rehab in early 2012 after trying to 'handle it himself' and some how between September and June he had gone from oxys to morphine to heroin all injecting from my understanding. I stayed with him until June. We broke up on account of me not deciding if I wanted to be with him and him saying that he couldn't get sober and be with me. I respected that and moved out. (We had lived together for almost 3 years.) Three weeks later, maybe not even after mounds of calls and texts he convinced me to come to his house. After the next three worst weeks of my life, including having to have him arrested for attempted suicide. Getting called a variety of names. He broke up with me yet again, shocker. Mainly because he was selling everything he owned and apparently moving. Then after that of course he wanted to get back together, he was changing. Got accidental texts proving otherwise. Whatever, at that point I had been hurt enough. In August I decided no contact was the way to go. Blocked him off of facebook, when I got a job I changed my phone number (bc my original number was out on resumes). He went to rehab somewhere at the beginning of October (that was stated in the letter). He sent the letter to my sisters house bc he had called her trying to get her to give him my number, she gave him her address instead told him he could write me there. Might I add, he knows how to talk to people he has some wicked people skills. So I got his letter. I knew it was coming, but I honestly wasn't impressed. So first I wrote how I felt, then a couple days later a less angry me wrote him a second part to the letter. Neither parts of this letter indicated that I would take him back, because I clearly have my own issues, and I've had enough of his. But in the first part of the letter I explained in detail the nights he probably didn't remember three nights that I didn't feel it was fair that I have to live with them and he got to be high. Those three nights are the most painful memories I have in my mind to date. Something that I wish that I could erase. But I can't. One being the night he told me he was going to kill himself and I had him arrested. He was driving wouldn't tell me where he was said if a car accident didn't kill him the drugs would. So I found his license plate number and called the cops, I didn't really see any other options available to me at the time. Four hours later he came home (to the place I moved out of, we were supposed to talk that I went there to an unlocked door and no him, that is when i called him and he told me his plan, and I called the cops). His parents insisted he be arrested, and convinced the police over the phone that it was best. So I went out to my car painfully crying on the phone with his sister. Anyways when they brought him outside he yelled and cussed at me told me 'get the **** out of here'. So I did, after the cops left of course who had me cornered into not moving my vehicle. Not everything in my letter was angry and descriptive of bad times, I wrote to him about my good memories of him that I thought that he was much smarter than he was acting and a bunch of other good things I feel for him. Still none of which indicating that we could be together, because right now isn't the time he is fresh from rehab and I have been by his side in the past and it got me no where and him no where too. I said his letter was too soon, but I couldn't ever say we would be together because predicting the future is impossible. How do I know he would be clean. How do we know if we would still even care for one another when the time came, if it did.
Anyways. In my letter, I asked him to let me know he received it. Tonight my sister and I were hanging out and she asked me if I ever wrote him back. Which I did. Which brought on some stupid feeling, maybe my codependency I don't know because I'm just reading and learning about it so that I can hopefully one day recover from that. But I asked my sister to just message him (I meant on facebook) and see if he got my letter. For whatever reason she knew he could text and she texted him. And his response was "Got it yesterday, tell her sorry and good luck". My response even right now is all cuss words in my head. Of course I'm not going to voice my opinion on what he said. My sister said that she would tell me. Then he proceeded to say his family was with him and he gets out on Sunday. I don't know why he told her that, she asked him. He didn't know either apparently.
But I am so angry. First of all, I took the time to write him a letter which in the beginning I didn't want to do but I felt guilty because he said that it would help him to deal with us not being together in the right place. Then I thought it would be good to get my feelings out on paper, and let him know how I was feeling. So I did, I sent the letter after about a week of mulling things over. I am also angry because to me personally when someone is sorry for what they do its not a 'oh yeah p.s. im sorry' if someone is sorry they tell you why, they are descriptive. I just don't feel like he's sorry for what happened at all? I know I can't control that obviously but it is just so frustrating to know that I loved someone so in-genuine, insincere, so self centered. It makes me feel like I must have the worst judgement in people to think that he would have more to say than that. I have been really mad and upset through all of this. But this is the nail in the coffin, I don't understand how someone could be so insensitive to think after everything that happened they should just pass a sorry through my sister to give to me. To me, he doesn't care about me and never did, probably never loved me either. I officially feel like I have wasted four years of my life. Sure I walked away with a life lesson. But its one I would've rather not learnt. Lots of people are good people through life, and don't have to be taught lessons through addiction. I got over being angry I thought, but now it is fuming right back up inside of me. I just wish someone could explain this to me? It just seems wrong. Maybe I'm overreacting, but it hurts. I don't know where to put the anger and sadness from once again feeling like I have never had any idea who this person was all along. It must have been a facade.
