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very strange

Old 09-10-2012, 12:14 PM
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very strange

Well, my xah came into our life after a 2.5 month absence. He TEXTED me out of the blue "hey how are you. Would like to see our son" this was august 4th. He still hasn't seen him yet because of himself.

I told him that he must call me first so we can discuss my sons well being before he sees him. I set a date. He never called, but expected to see my son. Like I would forget that we hadn't of had a discussion. He was very angry when I called him out on his lies (he tried to tell me he called). But, I stuck to my boundries and said he needed to call. I scheduled another visit, but expected a phone call last night. He called at 8:30. I missed the call, and called him back 8 minutes later...phone went straight to voicemail. Texted...no response. I emailed him for documentAtion the date, missed call and said he can't see our son until he calls me.

Meanwhile, he is so pissed off because I told our son that daddy is sick. He will not let this go. In fact, he is super angry about this. I told him that at our visitation all he has to say is that daddy feels better and move on. Let it go. But it bothers him so much to have to admit to this. He came back into our life thru a text...no apology...no excuses...entitled. he told me 3 weeks after his text that "he was away on a job" and he doesn't understand why we can't tell my son this. He even went so far as to call me a liar...he said "how can you lie to your son like that?" Which was hilarious to me because he 10 minutes earlier told me that he had paid child support, but he didn't. Anyways, my point is this...I can't believe how scared he is to tell our son that he was sick and is now feeling better. It just goes to show you the power of denial and self deception. He is so scared to even admit he is/was sick to a 4yr old. Wow!
I'm really surprised at what a jerk he is being. Drugs really distort reality. I mean I have no idea who this man is anymore. I mean there is no accountability for anything. Such power drugs have.

And yes, I'm trying to keep as little contact as possible. I am abiding by the law and have a plan in plAce. He only has supervised visits. I'm doing what is right and trying to stay sane in the thick of it.
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Old 09-10-2012, 01:59 PM
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Wow, how frustrating that must be. My AH has often questioned and given me flack about what I've told people about our situation. Ive always replied "just the truth". I'm not making up stories for him.

My older daughters bio dad (a crack addict) abandoned her when she was four, I did tell her he was away on a job. He never saw her again, its been four years. She thought he left because he didn't like her anymore. I wish I had told her he was sick. It would have made it his problem, not hers. And who are we kidding, they know when you are lying.

Wishing you all the best, peace, serenity, and freedom.
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Old 09-10-2012, 02:50 PM
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Originally Posted by becky1982 View Post
My older daughters bio dad (a crack addict) abandoned her when she was four, I did tell her he was away on a job. He never saw her again, its been four years. She thought he left because he didn't like her anymore. I wish I had told her he was sick. It would have made it his problem, not hers. And who are we kidding, they know when you are lying.
Kids almost always personalize it. It's heartbreaking stuff.

I'm with you. " Sick" is a perfect response.
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Old 09-10-2012, 02:53 PM
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Story,
Have you considered court supervised visitation? This way he can text the court, on a whim, and see how far that gets him.

Life is hard enough without being the middleman between 2 children.
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Old 09-10-2012, 03:32 PM
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This is a tough one. I'm assuming there's NO domestic violence issue. Here's some tough experience.

Your xAH at least tried to come back into his life (regardless of lack of apology or entitlement). Don't keep your son from your xAH in order to try to force him to deal with the child support or other issues you have with him. It's contrary to practically every course on how divorcing parents ought to behave for the benefit of their kids. Check with a family lawyer who knows or represented you, because it could be contrary to any visitation or parenting time order unless the supervised visitation rules say something else about it. I'm also guessing it will make child support enforcement harder, not easier. That doesn't mean that xAH can do as he please or pop up on a whim AND mess with your son's schedule or the like, or do an end-run on the supervisor overseeing the visit.

Anyway, no kid should be in the middle, as a weapon or trophy.

Also, nothing we do causes the A to drink or use and nothing we do can cure or control the A. Using a child to try to control the A is classic, serious, codependent, distorted thinking and doing JUST LIKE using and drinking and misbehaving is on the A's part.

It's NOT you, it's the family disease that's affecting your behavior. All "Al-Anonics" suffer from it. We've been there just like you.

Tell your son that the xAH is sick, is not well, has a bubu that makes him not do the right things and has something that he can't overcome without help. Tell him that you, son, didn't cause him to be that way. He loves you, but is not well enough to show you in many ways. But he and I do love you. You are important. You matter a lot to both of us.

In no way is any of this passing any judgment on you, blaming you or shaming. It is what happens to us at the hands of this terrible disease. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-they-do.html

Strength and serenity to you.
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Old 09-10-2012, 03:51 PM
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This is what I have been telling my son ever since his crack addict dad abondoned him at 4 years old. He's 7 now.

Your daddy is sick. Your daddy has an illness. Your daddy needs to get help. He loves you but his sickness causes him to make bad choices. Unfortunately we can't help him. But you don't need to worry. I will always take care of you. I love you. So many people love you (list off everyone who loves him and turn it into a game).
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Old 09-10-2012, 04:01 PM
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Originally Posted by hello-kitty View Post
Unfortunately we can't help him. But you don't need to worry. I will always take care of you. So many people love you (list off everyone who loves him and turn it into a game).
Great stuff to add to the list! I like the "Unfortunately" as well!
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Old 09-10-2012, 04:01 PM
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story, great job on the boundaries. keep it up.

hello-kitty, on an unrelated note.. is that your cat? She/He is gorgeous!!
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