Boyfriend in treatment for heroin
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 13
Boyfriend in treatment for heroin
Hello everyone!
I just joined this site today. I apologize ahead of time because I know my post may be lengthy...but I haven't talked to anyone in depth about this yet. I've kind of been bottling it up, and this is the first time I've ever processed all of this in writing.
I am 27 years old; I am a student and a tutor, and live with my mom at home. My boyfriend will be 26 in October, and shares a really nice apartment with one of his friends and his friend's girlfriend. My boyfriend, who I have been with for about 6 months, just entered detox about 5 days ago for his 1 year long addiction to smoking heroin, which he has been obtaining from a co-worker.
I knew my boyfriend had been a medical marijuana patient for insomnia for a few years. I guess it never really bothered me, because he didn't act (forgive me if this sounds like judgement) like people I had met in the past who smoked it. I remember the first time I came over, he smoked a few bong hits in front of me, and said that the substance that he was about to smoke off of foil was "wax" (which I guess is another form of taking marijuana.) I guess I am slightly sheltered. I didn't know that all this time it was actually heroin.
I had suspected for a while that he was seriously ill, because he seemed to always be tired. He blamed it on work, but I didn't really believe him, and thought it was more serious like chronic fatigue. A few times when he spent the night at my house, he'd thrash in his sleep, sweat profusely, and get up several times in the middle of the night to dry heave/vomit. He always blamed it on some kind of bad food or food poisoning. I also suspected that he was hiding something else from me because he seemed to always be broke, even though I know he makes quite a bit of money. Apparently he was spending about $80 a day on heroin. He couldn't afford to buy me a birthday present a few weeks ago, even though he said he had just been paid a few days prior. I tried not to let it bother me, but I had a feeling something was going on behind my back.
The night before I took him to detox, he was acting strangely. I could sense something was wrong. I kept trying to open up a dialogue with him, and I practically had to pull the words out of his mouth because he was acting so distant...but eventually he told me that he had an addiction to smoking heroin, and that he didn't have any more because he was broke. He told me that he would be quite sick in the morning, and that he wanted to get help.
I couldn't believe that he had hidden the fact from me for so long, and it broke my heart watching him suffer physically as he tried to sleep. I was mostly upset because I didn't know what drove him to use. In the morning, I took him to a treatment center about an hour away from where I live, which was one of the highest rated recovery centers, covered by his dad's insurance. Due to the distance, I had to wait until his 4th day in detox (yesterday) to actually visit him again.
I have faith in him, and I know he wants to live a healthy lifestyle with me. Prior to him admitting his addiction, we had discussed things such as moving in together once his lease runs out at his current apartment. I fell in love with him before finding out about this, and I could feel it in my bones that he/his personality were everything I had been looking for in a guy. I still want to be with him, and I know this may sound cheesy, but I have never loved any guy as much as him. I am not trying to minimize the fact that he is an addict, but our relationship aside from the fact that he was hiding an addiction seemed, well, pretty close to perfect.
I just have a few concerns:
1. I want to have the tools to be a supportive girlfriend to him, but at the same time, I don't want to detract from his focus on recovery. Honestly, I am just really proud of him for getting help. I know it must have taken a lot of strength. Yesterday he seemed scared that I would break up with him. He asked me if I was angry about him lying to me about his addiction, to which I responded that I am still working through my feelings about it. I know that he is trying to find an insurance-covered sober house/outpatient treatment closer to where I live, so that it would be easier for me to visit. Even though I appreciate the fact, I think its more important that he just stay in a proper sober living environment, even if its an hour away from where I live. I want to make sure I am doing everything I need to do to show support.
2. I have been hiding the fact from my family, and it has been getting more and more difficult to keep my stories straight. Tomorrow he will talk to the staff at the detox center about sober living/outpatient treatment, and where he will go next. My family has included him in some plans, and I know I will need to cancel/notify them that he cannot make it. Addiction runs in my family (alcohol) and guess I have a fear that my family may judge or think less of him. They have only been around him a few times, and they absolutely adore him so far. I just don't want too many people involved in the situation. I have told my family that my boyfriend is at his dad's house helping to take care of him post-knee surgery, and I don't know how much longer I can lie to my family.
3. I have met the co-worker who has been supplying him with heroin, and I know he would push my boyfriend to keep using. My boyfriend also realizes that this co-worker would continue to push him. As a result, my boyfriend has decided that once he is ready to work again (he is on disability at the moment) he would quit his job as a network engineer to work elsewhere. I worry about him finding another job, with the current job market situation. Does anyone know if there is a specific time frame that a person can be on disability?
4. Although the main reason for him being in detox is heroin, I fear that his attitude about marijuana is still that it “isn't a drug” and that he may still want to use it as a way to medicate. I feel that this kind of behavior is still considered using. Am I just being nit-picky?
Sorry for such a lengthy post, and thank you for any wise words you may have for me.
I just joined this site today. I apologize ahead of time because I know my post may be lengthy...but I haven't talked to anyone in depth about this yet. I've kind of been bottling it up, and this is the first time I've ever processed all of this in writing.
I am 27 years old; I am a student and a tutor, and live with my mom at home. My boyfriend will be 26 in October, and shares a really nice apartment with one of his friends and his friend's girlfriend. My boyfriend, who I have been with for about 6 months, just entered detox about 5 days ago for his 1 year long addiction to smoking heroin, which he has been obtaining from a co-worker.
I knew my boyfriend had been a medical marijuana patient for insomnia for a few years. I guess it never really bothered me, because he didn't act (forgive me if this sounds like judgement) like people I had met in the past who smoked it. I remember the first time I came over, he smoked a few bong hits in front of me, and said that the substance that he was about to smoke off of foil was "wax" (which I guess is another form of taking marijuana.) I guess I am slightly sheltered. I didn't know that all this time it was actually heroin.
I had suspected for a while that he was seriously ill, because he seemed to always be tired. He blamed it on work, but I didn't really believe him, and thought it was more serious like chronic fatigue. A few times when he spent the night at my house, he'd thrash in his sleep, sweat profusely, and get up several times in the middle of the night to dry heave/vomit. He always blamed it on some kind of bad food or food poisoning. I also suspected that he was hiding something else from me because he seemed to always be broke, even though I know he makes quite a bit of money. Apparently he was spending about $80 a day on heroin. He couldn't afford to buy me a birthday present a few weeks ago, even though he said he had just been paid a few days prior. I tried not to let it bother me, but I had a feeling something was going on behind my back.
The night before I took him to detox, he was acting strangely. I could sense something was wrong. I kept trying to open up a dialogue with him, and I practically had to pull the words out of his mouth because he was acting so distant...but eventually he told me that he had an addiction to smoking heroin, and that he didn't have any more because he was broke. He told me that he would be quite sick in the morning, and that he wanted to get help.
I couldn't believe that he had hidden the fact from me for so long, and it broke my heart watching him suffer physically as he tried to sleep. I was mostly upset because I didn't know what drove him to use. In the morning, I took him to a treatment center about an hour away from where I live, which was one of the highest rated recovery centers, covered by his dad's insurance. Due to the distance, I had to wait until his 4th day in detox (yesterday) to actually visit him again.
I have faith in him, and I know he wants to live a healthy lifestyle with me. Prior to him admitting his addiction, we had discussed things such as moving in together once his lease runs out at his current apartment. I fell in love with him before finding out about this, and I could feel it in my bones that he/his personality were everything I had been looking for in a guy. I still want to be with him, and I know this may sound cheesy, but I have never loved any guy as much as him. I am not trying to minimize the fact that he is an addict, but our relationship aside from the fact that he was hiding an addiction seemed, well, pretty close to perfect.
I just have a few concerns:
1. I want to have the tools to be a supportive girlfriend to him, but at the same time, I don't want to detract from his focus on recovery. Honestly, I am just really proud of him for getting help. I know it must have taken a lot of strength. Yesterday he seemed scared that I would break up with him. He asked me if I was angry about him lying to me about his addiction, to which I responded that I am still working through my feelings about it. I know that he is trying to find an insurance-covered sober house/outpatient treatment closer to where I live, so that it would be easier for me to visit. Even though I appreciate the fact, I think its more important that he just stay in a proper sober living environment, even if its an hour away from where I live. I want to make sure I am doing everything I need to do to show support.
2. I have been hiding the fact from my family, and it has been getting more and more difficult to keep my stories straight. Tomorrow he will talk to the staff at the detox center about sober living/outpatient treatment, and where he will go next. My family has included him in some plans, and I know I will need to cancel/notify them that he cannot make it. Addiction runs in my family (alcohol) and guess I have a fear that my family may judge or think less of him. They have only been around him a few times, and they absolutely adore him so far. I just don't want too many people involved in the situation. I have told my family that my boyfriend is at his dad's house helping to take care of him post-knee surgery, and I don't know how much longer I can lie to my family.
3. I have met the co-worker who has been supplying him with heroin, and I know he would push my boyfriend to keep using. My boyfriend also realizes that this co-worker would continue to push him. As a result, my boyfriend has decided that once he is ready to work again (he is on disability at the moment) he would quit his job as a network engineer to work elsewhere. I worry about him finding another job, with the current job market situation. Does anyone know if there is a specific time frame that a person can be on disability?
4. Although the main reason for him being in detox is heroin, I fear that his attitude about marijuana is still that it “isn't a drug” and that he may still want to use it as a way to medicate. I feel that this kind of behavior is still considered using. Am I just being nit-picky?
Sorry for such a lengthy post, and thank you for any wise words you may have for me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 1
Hi I am new too and also looking for advice. And I don't want to hurt your feelings. You are so young and you know him 6 months. And mind you this is only an opinion and I wish someone would of told me about addiction. Cut your loses and move on. Heroin is a strong drug and though some quit it is still very few. They may take methodone or suboxone and then you get the doctors giving out benzos to addicts for anxiety. So now they are addicted to the above by legal drug dealers. My spouse has been struggling for years. His way a thinking is not right and is backed by his doctor. All I'm saying is you probably will not have a normal life. It is a very hard road. Do you need this in your life? He even has you lying to your family. Relationships are not built on lie. He will have this illness forever. He might stay sober and that would be great, but no one knows not even him. I'm saying this to save you from all the grief that I still go through. I wish you and him the best and may god bless both of you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by gullible 
I'm saying this to save you from all the grief that I still go through. I wish you and him the best and may god bless both of you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Are you in the U.S.?
Your BF needs to verify what his dad's policy will and will not cover. I am unaware of any insurer who will pay for a sober living enviornment. If there is one, I am sure many here would love to know the company name.
Most policies will exclude adult children at 26 or 27.
I don't know what you mean when you say your BF is on disability. Is this something his employer sponsors or Social Security? If the former, is he continuing to get a paycheck or perhaps this is an excused unpaid absence.
Your BF is an addict and will be exposed to endless sources of his drug of choice for the rest of his life. A job or geographical change is not a cure.
Feeling compelled to hide facts and lie to your family about him is a huge red flag in any relationship, let alone one that is only 6 months old.
You don't need any tools to support him. I mean no snark when I say you are not qualified to do so ( and most here, myself included, are not) and frankly it's not your job. If he wants support, there are professionals and people who have walked miles in his shoes with long term recoveries under their belts to support him. They can be found at AAand NA as well as other support organizations.
There is nothing you can say or do to keep him sober or cause him to relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are.
Your BF needs to verify what his dad's policy will and will not cover. I am unaware of any insurer who will pay for a sober living enviornment. If there is one, I am sure many here would love to know the company name.
Most policies will exclude adult children at 26 or 27.
I don't know what you mean when you say your BF is on disability. Is this something his employer sponsors or Social Security? If the former, is he continuing to get a paycheck or perhaps this is an excused unpaid absence.
Your BF is an addict and will be exposed to endless sources of his drug of choice for the rest of his life. A job or geographical change is not a cure.
Feeling compelled to hide facts and lie to your family about him is a huge red flag in any relationship, let alone one that is only 6 months old.
You don't need any tools to support him. I mean no snark when I say you are not qualified to do so ( and most here, myself included, are not) and frankly it's not your job. If he wants support, there are professionals and people who have walked miles in his shoes with long term recoveries under their belts to support him. They can be found at AAand NA as well as other support organizations.
There is nothing you can say or do to keep him sober or cause him to relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by gullible
All I'm saying is you probably will not have a normal life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by outtolunch
Are you in the U.S.?
I don't know what you mean when you say your BF is on disability. Is this something his employer sponsors or Social Security? If the former, is he continuing to get a paycheck or perhaps this is an excused unpaid absence.
You don't need any tools to support him. I mean no snark when I say you are not qualified to do so ( and most her are not) and frankly it's not your job. If he wants support, there are professionals and people who have walked miles in his shoes with long term recoveries under their belts to support him. They can be found at AAand NA as well as other support organizations.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
There is a saying around here " take what you need and leave the rest".
Most of us come here seeking information about how to best support/fix people we care about. I was one of them. If our love/support could cure addiction, none of us would be here.
The more emeshed I allowed myself to become in my daughter's journey, the more it impacted how I felt about myself. As it relates to romantic relationships, there are thousands of posts in this forum from people, mostly women, whose self worth was defined by what their BF or husband did or did not do. Eventually, they felt they were somehow unworthy of being enough to compel their loved one to change.
Codependency and addiction are both progressive and most of us never saw it coming.
I suspect that what you refer to as sober living may be inpatient treatment covered by many insurers. A Sober Living Enviornment is typically a place between rehab and the real world. Those in most Sober Living Enviornments are expected to work and/or attend school and are self-pay, meaning insurance does not cover the costs.
Employee sponsored disability varies employer to employer. There is no standard.
Most of us come here seeking information about how to best support/fix people we care about. I was one of them. If our love/support could cure addiction, none of us would be here.
The more emeshed I allowed myself to become in my daughter's journey, the more it impacted how I felt about myself. As it relates to romantic relationships, there are thousands of posts in this forum from people, mostly women, whose self worth was defined by what their BF or husband did or did not do. Eventually, they felt they were somehow unworthy of being enough to compel their loved one to change.
Codependency and addiction are both progressive and most of us never saw it coming.
I suspect that what you refer to as sober living may be inpatient treatment covered by many insurers. A Sober Living Enviornment is typically a place between rehab and the real world. Those in most Sober Living Enviornments are expected to work and/or attend school and are self-pay, meaning insurance does not cover the costs.
Employee sponsored disability varies employer to employer. There is no standard.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by LoveHappiness
Wow...I probably wouldn't have even posted anything here if I knew people would attack me for caring about my boyfriend.
I am sorry you feel attacked.
The " stickies" at the top of this page are all good reading. The one addressed to newbies shares different perspectives about responses.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by outtolunch
There is a saying around here " take what you need and leave the rest".
Most of us come here seeking information about how to best support/fix people we care about. I was one of them. If our love/support could cure addiction, none of us would be here.
The more emeshed I allowed myself to become in my daughter's journey, the more it impacted how I felt about myself. As it relates to romantic relationships, there are thousands of posts in this forum from people, mostly women, whose self worth was defined by what their BF or husband did or did not do. Eventually, they felt they were somehow unworthy of being enough to compel their loved one to change.
Most of us come here seeking information about how to best support/fix people we care about. I was one of them. If our love/support could cure addiction, none of us would be here.
The more emeshed I allowed myself to become in my daughter's journey, the more it impacted how I felt about myself. As it relates to romantic relationships, there are thousands of posts in this forum from people, mostly women, whose self worth was defined by what their BF or husband did or did not do. Eventually, they felt they were somehow unworthy of being enough to compel their loved one to change.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation.
I would strongly suggest that you attend an AlAnon or NarAnon meeting. Making face to face connections with others who have addicted loved ones will help you learn how to support yourself while your boyfriend is in recovery.
It is definitely premature for you to make a decision about ending the relationship, but you should understand that most programs of recovery will advise him to put relationships on the back burner while he works on himself.
If he continues down the path of recovery, his attitudes about many things - including marijuana - may change, so it doesn't make sense to worry about it now. One day at a time.
I would strongly suggest that you attend an AlAnon or NarAnon meeting. Making face to face connections with others who have addicted loved ones will help you learn how to support yourself while your boyfriend is in recovery.
It is definitely premature for you to make a decision about ending the relationship, but you should understand that most programs of recovery will advise him to put relationships on the back burner while he works on himself.
If he continues down the path of recovery, his attitudes about many things - including marijuana - may change, so it doesn't make sense to worry about it now. One day at a time.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by SundaysChild
If he continues down the path of recovery, his attitudes about many things - including marijuana - may change, so it doesn't make sense to worry about it now. One day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Love happiness,
I can assure you no one means ill will on SR at all.
We all come here to help each other. But I HAVE found
that 99% of people who came here believed that THEIR
story/addict was somehow "special".
(And this applies completely and totally to me,too)
Those who advise to cut your losses/run now do so
out of the profound long term suffering they have
suffered----from NOT doing exactly that.
I assure you no one here intends any disrespect.
AT ALL.
I can assure you no one means ill will on SR at all.
We all come here to help each other. But I HAVE found
that 99% of people who came here believed that THEIR
story/addict was somehow "special".
(And this applies completely and totally to me,too)
Those who advise to cut your losses/run now do so
out of the profound long term suffering they have
suffered----from NOT doing exactly that.
I assure you no one here intends any disrespect.
AT ALL.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by Vale
Those who advise to cut your losses/run now do so
out of the profound long term suffering they have
suffered----from NOT doing exactly that.
out of the profound long term suffering they have
suffered----from NOT doing exactly that.
I feel that when people who don't personally know me (yet) and don't know my boyfriend to tell me to break up with him, just because they're frustrated about what an addict did to them-its quite distasteful.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sunshine, Sea Breeze & Palm Trees
Posts: 282
LoveHappiness, a good start would be to educate yourself on heroin addiction. Once you have some ideas of what you're dealing with then you may be more clear on what you should do.
You did ask for advice from people but it appears that you only want to hear things that will comfort you or support you in being there for your addict boyfriend. It is unlikely that you will get the latter from the members here just because addiction is a progressive disease and things usually get from worse to hell. Do educate yourself on what you're signing up for.
You did ask for advice from people but it appears that you only want to hear things that will comfort you or support you in being there for your addict boyfriend. It is unlikely that you will get the latter from the members here just because addiction is a progressive disease and things usually get from worse to hell. Do educate yourself on what you're signing up for.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by oooopps
LoveHappiness, a good start would be to educate yourself on heroin addiction. Once you have some ideas of what you're dealing with then you may be more clear on what you should do.
You did ask for advice from people but it appears that you only want to hear things that will comfort you or support you in being there for your addict boyfriend.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sunshine, Sea Breeze & Palm Trees
Posts: 282
"Heroin" by Humberto Fernandez
"One-Way Ticket: Our Son's Addiction to Heroin" by Rita Lowenthal
"Candy: A Novel of Love and Addiction" by Luke Davies
check out their reviews and info on Amazon. I've read all 3.
"One-Way Ticket: Our Son's Addiction to Heroin" by Rita Lowenthal
"Candy: A Novel of Love and Addiction" by Luke Davies
check out their reviews and info on Amazon. I've read all 3.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by oooopps
"Heroin" by Humberto Fernandez
"One-Way Ticket: Our Son's Addiction to Heroin" by Rita Lowenthal
"Candy: A Novel of Love and Addiction" by Luke Davies
check out their reviews and info on Amazon. I've read all 3.
"One-Way Ticket: Our Son's Addiction to Heroin" by Rita Lowenthal
"Candy: A Novel of Love and Addiction" by Luke Davies
check out their reviews and info on Amazon. I've read all 3.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
You may not see it, but people here are trying to help you find a better path and to avoid the pain that they have all been through because they thought their addicted loved one was different from all others. Sadly, regardless of education, lifestyle, sex or race, financial conditions and love from their family...addiction has very similar affects on them and knows no social barriers.
Your are obviously in pain over this, so it's easy to get angry and lash out at those who are trying to help, but maybe just sit back for a bit and take a good read around and you will see that we have all been where you are and are sharing from our own experience strength and hope.
Click on the link below, perhaps it will help you understand better that people here are giving you helpful suggestions, whether you realize it or not.
We all wish you a good life, we all hope your addicted loved one is cured after one rehab, and that you never have to face this again. The likelihood of that is slim, dear, I am sorry to say, and you best prepare yourself for a rough ride ahead.
We share because we care, and for no other reason.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-they-do.html
Your are obviously in pain over this, so it's easy to get angry and lash out at those who are trying to help, but maybe just sit back for a bit and take a good read around and you will see that we have all been where you are and are sharing from our own experience strength and hope.
Click on the link below, perhaps it will help you understand better that people here are giving you helpful suggestions, whether you realize it or not.
We all wish you a good life, we all hope your addicted loved one is cured after one rehab, and that you never have to face this again. The likelihood of that is slim, dear, I am sorry to say, and you best prepare yourself for a rough ride ahead.
We share because we care, and for no other reason.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-they-do.html
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 134
I agree with ooopps. Educate yourself on heroin. I am the girlfriend of a recovering heroin addict. I have never done heroin, never had any experience with the drug before so I knew very little about what was going on. When my boyfriend first starting using, I was under the impression that he would go to detox or rehab or wherever they send people who have an addiction, he would come home, go to a few AA/NA meetings every now and then, and be "fixed". But there's SO far from the truth.
I read just about everything I could get my hands on. There's a great sticky somewhere around here called "What addicts do". Read that. Really read the words and let them sink in.
There's a really great, very honest account of one woman's encounter with her heroin addicted daughter. The book is called "Heroin's Puppet". It includes her daughter's journal entries from rehab. You really get to see what the addict goes through mentally. You may want to look into getting this book. It's eye opening about addiction.
Addiction is a disease, and sometimes the disease will make good people do bad things. I'm not saying to leave your boyfriend. I didn't leave mine. But is my life full of picnics and roses? No. It's tough. Being in a relationship with an addict is very different than being with someone who doesn't suffer from an addiction. Just know that this is a life long struggle and even if your boyfriend works a strong recovery program, the chance of relapse is always there. So my biggest piece of advice to you is, love your boyfriend but always have a plan b. Have an exit plan just in case things go bad. Heroin is so destructive and so powerful. Just read, google, hang out on this site, get a few books. You need to know what you're dealing with.
Wishing you nothing but the best.
I read just about everything I could get my hands on. There's a great sticky somewhere around here called "What addicts do". Read that. Really read the words and let them sink in.
There's a really great, very honest account of one woman's encounter with her heroin addicted daughter. The book is called "Heroin's Puppet". It includes her daughter's journal entries from rehab. You really get to see what the addict goes through mentally. You may want to look into getting this book. It's eye opening about addiction.
Addiction is a disease, and sometimes the disease will make good people do bad things. I'm not saying to leave your boyfriend. I didn't leave mine. But is my life full of picnics and roses? No. It's tough. Being in a relationship with an addict is very different than being with someone who doesn't suffer from an addiction. Just know that this is a life long struggle and even if your boyfriend works a strong recovery program, the chance of relapse is always there. So my biggest piece of advice to you is, love your boyfriend but always have a plan b. Have an exit plan just in case things go bad. Heroin is so destructive and so powerful. Just read, google, hang out on this site, get a few books. You need to know what you're dealing with.
Wishing you nothing but the best.
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