To newbies - why people respond the way they do
The sun still shines
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
To newbies - why people respond the way they do
There seems to be a fair number of newcomers who choose to see responses from members as negative, aggressive etc.
This is how it is:
Every single one of the people responding have been where you are now. The story may play itself out with different circumstances, but the underlying feelings and behaviour are the same.
Every single one of us have been in denial about addiction in the beginning. Every single one of us wanted to stick around because we loved the addict and love doesn't run away.
Every single one of us thought the addict love us enough to change for us.
Every single one of us made excuses for behaviour and ignored the red flags.
Every single one of us was on the receiving end of the addicts lies and manipulation.
Every single one of us have been blamed for the addiction and whatever else has gone wrong for the addict.
Every single one of us remembered what the addict used to be like and lived in hope to get that person back.
Every single one of us spent years trying to love the addict to recovery.
After many years of living in a hell that got progressively worse,
where we felt we were losing our sanity,
where our health suffered,
where the rest of the family or children suffered,
where our depression about the situation got so bad we wondered whether life was worth it,
we finally became strong and walked away.
So when you as a newcomer come and tell your story, we recognize the signs immediately. We would, because we had many years practice. We try and help you to avoid the pain we went through, because we know that in your wildest imagination, you do not understand how bad it will get.
We do this not because we are mean or negative, not because we don't understand love, but because we want to spare another human being from what we went through. We do it because we know where your story is heading and we understand the outcome is certain. We do it because we wish we had known how dark life can be with an addict.
We do it because we were you once.
This is how it is:
Every single one of the people responding have been where you are now. The story may play itself out with different circumstances, but the underlying feelings and behaviour are the same.
Every single one of us have been in denial about addiction in the beginning. Every single one of us wanted to stick around because we loved the addict and love doesn't run away.
Every single one of us thought the addict love us enough to change for us.
Every single one of us made excuses for behaviour and ignored the red flags.
Every single one of us was on the receiving end of the addicts lies and manipulation.
Every single one of us have been blamed for the addiction and whatever else has gone wrong for the addict.
Every single one of us remembered what the addict used to be like and lived in hope to get that person back.
Every single one of us spent years trying to love the addict to recovery.
After many years of living in a hell that got progressively worse,
where we felt we were losing our sanity,
where our health suffered,
where the rest of the family or children suffered,
where our depression about the situation got so bad we wondered whether life was worth it,
we finally became strong and walked away.
So when you as a newcomer come and tell your story, we recognize the signs immediately. We would, because we had many years practice. We try and help you to avoid the pain we went through, because we know that in your wildest imagination, you do not understand how bad it will get.
We do this not because we are mean or negative, not because we don't understand love, but because we want to spare another human being from what we went through. We do it because we know where your story is heading and we understand the outcome is certain. We do it because we wish we had known how dark life can be with an addict.
We do it because we were you once.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Or,to quote a child of mine....long ago:
I don't need to wear my seatbelt,Dad! I am not going to get into an accident today!
(he realized how foolish a statement it was when I replied......"Well,then,will you
please PROMISE me you'll wear your seatbelt on ACCIDENT DAY?")
I remember well my feelings when first counseled by the wise denizens
of SR.I kept them to myself,but they were very much along the lines of "these
people don't know the person I am dealing with---she is not "just" a drug addict.
She is a real human being,educated,etc,etc,etc.
(What a fool I feel like feeling those emotions only a few months ago!)
THEY ARE ALL THE SAME,NO EXCEPTIONS,PERIOD.
I don't need to wear my seatbelt,Dad! I am not going to get into an accident today!
(he realized how foolish a statement it was when I replied......"Well,then,will you
please PROMISE me you'll wear your seatbelt on ACCIDENT DAY?")
I remember well my feelings when first counseled by the wise denizens
of SR.I kept them to myself,but they were very much along the lines of "these
people don't know the person I am dealing with---she is not "just" a drug addict.
She is a real human being,educated,etc,etc,etc.
(What a fool I feel like feeling those emotions only a few months ago!)
THEY ARE ALL THE SAME,NO EXCEPTIONS,PERIOD.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
Yep that's the long and the short of it. I was very surprised when I started here- and still am as it asnt been that long- how insightful people were into the situation and regarding AH's behavior. I quickly saw that nobody thought my AH was special or unique to recovery. In fact I have a couple times been able to predict his next move or response based on what I read here.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 15
Thank you all! I've only been to this website for a week...posted just other day. I didn't know how bad of a codie I was. Seriously thought I had it under control...no enabling...perfect detachment then I listened to everyone's stories and read the articles. Now I know and see what I do and how I'm being used. I thank you all for sharing your experiences. With that being said I still found myself contacting my addict friend and questioning why they have been ignoring me after a good weekend were I was there for them. I know that answer to this cause of you all and will be attending my first NA meeting today.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
And...as one of those old timers who would also like to save someone the pain that I had to go through, I try to remember something a dear friend of mine here once said....
Say what you mean, and mean what you say...just don't say it mean.
I remember when I was a newcomer, sometimes I really disliked what people said to me and I really really got sick of hearing "let go, you gotta let go". But today in hindsight I treasure the words of those who went before me, because they were the words that got me through in the end. Those harsh words were filled with love and I will always be grateful to those who spoke them...kindly.
Hugs
Say what you mean, and mean what you say...just don't say it mean.
I remember when I was a newcomer, sometimes I really disliked what people said to me and I really really got sick of hearing "let go, you gotta let go". But today in hindsight I treasure the words of those who went before me, because they were the words that got me through in the end. Those harsh words were filled with love and I will always be grateful to those who spoke them...kindly.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Well said Sunshine.
Many people (because I am one of them) need to learn from their own experiences. I can't let others grab my steering wheel and tell me how to drive my life. But I do learn from listening (or reading) about others experiences and can apply them to my life. That is why we share our ESH and we don't simply tell people what to do. It works better that way IMO. It's always more palatable to be able to say to myself "they were right" than to hear someone say "I told you so".
Time and experience gives perspective.
gentle hugs
ke
Many people (because I am one of them) need to learn from their own experiences. I can't let others grab my steering wheel and tell me how to drive my life. But I do learn from listening (or reading) about others experiences and can apply them to my life. That is why we share our ESH and we don't simply tell people what to do. It works better that way IMO. It's always more palatable to be able to say to myself "they were right" than to hear someone say "I told you so".
Time and experience gives perspective.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Southeastern MA
Posts: 149
I think this is a great post and I was reading as if it were a checklist saying "yep, yep, yep that's me". It's applicable to all of us regardless of background (work, race, religion, etc.).
Perhaps this should be a sticky?
Perhaps this should be a sticky?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 145
When I first came to SR, I was frustrated because I kept reading posts from experienced members telling others to READ THE STICKIES. Well, I for one, didn't have time to read the stickies because the A in my life was very special and the circumstances were different than any others, and I wanted to cut straight to the chase by getting answers. I even tried "chat" to get help quicker. My situation was so special I knew it wouldn't be covered in the stickies.
Needless to say, it wasn't until I started reading the dreaded stickies that I began to realize what addiction was all about. I'll never forget how I felt the first time I read the words "terminal uniqueness". I felt like I got hit in the head with a brick. Now I'm a big advocate of stickies.
Needless to say, it wasn't until I started reading the dreaded stickies that I began to realize what addiction was all about. I'll never forget how I felt the first time I read the words "terminal uniqueness". I felt like I got hit in the head with a brick. Now I'm a big advocate of stickies.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
oh...how I so deeply resented these types of phrases...
"he's an addict, what did you expect?"
"this is not love, this is a fantasy" (I REALLY despised this one!!!)
"what's wrong with YOU that you would stay in such a relationship?"
"you can get addicted to hope"
and the worst..."you need to go to al-anon/nar-anon"
I was in the process of finishing my master's degree...I had over four years of recovery...I was "intelligent", I had great faith in recovery...I would be different
NOBODY understood...this wasn't just some addict we were talking about, this was G! and I could help (!!) and he meant what he promised.
In the end...all those beginning voices that I rejected were the ones that I leaned back on. I didn't come to SR until I had to hear the same thing again, but had alienated all the people in my recovery community who had told me all of these things in the very beginning. I was ready to hear them again...and this time it was 24 hour access to SR and the stalwart strength of so many here.
I felt like the shaming didn't help whatsoever. but in the end I had to face my own shame. I felt shame for what I was allowing in my life, and remembering all of those strong voices helped me locate where I was when I had ventured way down into the sickness of the addict/codependent relationship
those voices helped me remember where I was and find my way out, even though I had refused to listen at first, I was glad that they had remained an echo when I was spiraling down and finally started accepting that those voices were there to love me, to help.
"he's an addict, what did you expect?"
"this is not love, this is a fantasy" (I REALLY despised this one!!!)
"what's wrong with YOU that you would stay in such a relationship?"
"you can get addicted to hope"
and the worst..."you need to go to al-anon/nar-anon"
I was in the process of finishing my master's degree...I had over four years of recovery...I was "intelligent", I had great faith in recovery...I would be different
NOBODY understood...this wasn't just some addict we were talking about, this was G! and I could help (!!) and he meant what he promised.
In the end...all those beginning voices that I rejected were the ones that I leaned back on. I didn't come to SR until I had to hear the same thing again, but had alienated all the people in my recovery community who had told me all of these things in the very beginning. I was ready to hear them again...and this time it was 24 hour access to SR and the stalwart strength of so many here.
I felt like the shaming didn't help whatsoever. but in the end I had to face my own shame. I felt shame for what I was allowing in my life, and remembering all of those strong voices helped me locate where I was when I had ventured way down into the sickness of the addict/codependent relationship
those voices helped me remember where I was and find my way out, even though I had refused to listen at first, I was glad that they had remained an echo when I was spiraling down and finally started accepting that those voices were there to love me, to help.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: North West, England
Posts: 500
I agree with this. I will say though that 'shaming' is highly inappropriate and IMO a form of secondary wounding when it comes to a women involved in a violent abusive relationship. She already feels stupid, she's already told a million times a day how awful she is. Just putting that out there, I know it's not highly relevant but it's been playing on my mind 
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Midlands
Posts: 201
The first timers who post here will find the beginning hard. Their emotions are so incredibly fragile when they first come here, that anything which is not immediately 'comforting' is too 'harsh'.
They probably get a lot of emotional abuse on a daily basis, and are overly sensitive to things people say to them. And we all know you can't always tell a persons 'tone' of voice on an internet forum.
They want to hear good news, that things will get better if they do this or that. Something can be fixed. They want to see success stories. Most of the advice they receive they can't believe or don't want to believe and at first i think they will find it difficult to face. That they are helpless.
I know i found it hard once or twice, but i stuck it out.
It's something we all have to keep in mind when responding to the newbies.
It's a delicate subject with Newbies and always will be i think.
I hope i made sense.
They probably get a lot of emotional abuse on a daily basis, and are overly sensitive to things people say to them. And we all know you can't always tell a persons 'tone' of voice on an internet forum.
They want to hear good news, that things will get better if they do this or that. Something can be fixed. They want to see success stories. Most of the advice they receive they can't believe or don't want to believe and at first i think they will find it difficult to face. That they are helpless.
I know i found it hard once or twice, but i stuck it out.
It's something we all have to keep in mind when responding to the newbies.
It's a delicate subject with Newbies and always will be i think.
I hope i made sense.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Southeastern MA
Posts: 149
Originally Posted by Limiya 
The first timers who post here will find the beginning hard. Their emotions are so incredibly fragile when they first come here, that anything which is not immediately 'comforting' is too 'harsh'.
They probably get a lot of emotional abuse on a daily basis, and are overly sensitive to things people say to them. And we all know you can't always tell a persons 'tone' of voice on an internet forum.
They want to hear good news, that things will get better if they do this or that. Something can be fixed. They want to see success stories. Most of the advice they receive they can't believe or don't want to believe and at first i think they will find it difficult to face. That they are helpless.
I know i found it hard once or twice, but i stuck it out.
It's something we all have to keep in mind when responding to the newbies.
It's a delicate subject with Newbies and always will be i think.
I hope i made sense.
They probably get a lot of emotional abuse on a daily basis, and are overly sensitive to things people say to them. And we all know you can't always tell a persons 'tone' of voice on an internet forum.
They want to hear good news, that things will get better if they do this or that. Something can be fixed. They want to see success stories. Most of the advice they receive they can't believe or don't want to believe and at first i think they will find it difficult to face. That they are helpless.
I know i found it hard once or twice, but i stuck it out.
It's something we all have to keep in mind when responding to the newbies.
It's a delicate subject with Newbies and always will be i think.
I hope i made sense.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Responding…
Windmills you brought up an excellent point! If you do not know how to respond to someone who has been in a violent/abusive/domestic situation then you need to keep your thoughts to yourself. Domestic violence should not be taken lightly and you really shouldn’t tell one to leave or make them feel bad for staying. They need people who are willing to listen and help with devising a plan to safely get out. Safety as the highest priority.
Also should we have to constantly explain why we respond as we do? It tends to look a bit sick at times, having to justify responses.
No one is here because they don't get it on some level, haven't brought the lines, been through the insanity.
Windmills you brought up an excellent point! If you do not know how to respond to someone who has been in a violent/abusive/domestic situation then you need to keep your thoughts to yourself. Domestic violence should not be taken lightly and you really shouldn’t tell one to leave or make them feel bad for staying. They need people who are willing to listen and help with devising a plan to safely get out. Safety as the highest priority.
Also should we have to constantly explain why we respond as we do? It tends to look a bit sick at times, having to justify responses.
No one is here because they don't get it on some level, haven't brought the lines, been through the insanity.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 145
Originally Posted by Lara
I am a new comer to SR - and I can't believe I did not join SR a year ago!!!! What are the 'stickies'?? How do I access them?
There are stickies in every forum, so for example, you may want to read the "Friends & Family of Alcoholics" stickies first. I also find it helpful to read stickies everywhere because it gives me insight into how everyone - addicts and non-addicts alike - think. The more you can learn, the better you are.
Here's how I access stickies. After I go to Drug Rehabilitation | Drug Addiction Treatment Center | Alcoholism | Addiction Mental Health | Directory Substance Abuse Detox Programs | SoberRecovery, I click on "Forums" in the upper left hand corner. Then I scroll down to whichever forum I want to look at, such as "Newcomers to Recovery". Then I click on that forum name. The list of threads comes up, and the FIRST ones listed say "Sticky:" before the name of the thread. That's what we're talking about.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Originally Posted by HopefulGF65
I think this is a great post and I was reading as if it were a checklist saying "yep, yep, yep that's me". It's applicable to all of us regardless of background (work, race, religion, etc.).
Perhaps this should be a sticky?
Perhaps this should be a sticky?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Ohio
Posts: 37
I'm new. I'm learning and Thank you all for sharing things.
Every minute of everyday here has been an eye opener for me.
I think I'll be quiet for awhile and just read.
AA was great today after not attending for quite awhile.
Thanks again!
~Love, GT2~
Every minute of everyday here has been an eye opener for me.
I think I'll be quiet for awhile and just read.
AA was great today after not attending for quite awhile.
Thanks again!
~Love, GT2~
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