kmangel

First things first. My son has lost numerous friends to drug addiction--overdoses, suicides, etc., in addition to normal losses such as his grandfather. He would call me all upset about losing so many people he loved. I thought to myself he could use some help dealing with all his losses, not realizing at the time that he was becoming an addict. All these losses were "fixed" in a large part by his drug use at the time. Now he is clean and sober and he could use some grief counseling himself--but to tackle psychological counseling when he was pumping drugs in his body would have been pointless.

Your friend's son losing his father is certainly a serious life defining event, but IMO the first priority is still his drug addiction. The 60 day rehab did not work for him. That tells me he is not ready to fight his addiction.

For the grief counseling to have a positive impact on him he must first successfully deal with his addiction problem and get on the road to recovery. I compare it to marriage problems when one partner is an addict or alcoholic. No point in getting marriage counseling while either party is a substance abuser. The substance abuser's first love is their drug of choice, not their spouse. Have to get the substance abuse issue out of the picture before tackling marriage counseling. Anything less and the addiction will always win out.

BeavsDad

I don't get it.

Why can't some of the money be used to secure his own vehicle, apartment and cell phone?

Everyone could go "hands off the addict" and see if the birdie can fly.

The rest of you could then study up on what not to do when the wings don't quite work.

Deuce

Hi Beavsdad,

"hands off the addict" never heard that one, kinda funny.

Up until his dad died, he lived at home and commuted to college, worked part time and the whole bit. He is an only child and I think he parents liked for him to live at home. He had a pretty sweet setup, so I dont think he was in a rush to leave.

Seems to me that it wouldnt be advisable to tell him now to go do all these things when he is actively using drugs, drinking too much, and is depressed and grieving for his dad. I mean Im no expert, but I agree with my husband that he does need some stability until he can get focused and get his life together.

I mean like I told someone else, we are not holdign him hostage or anything. We are going to try to stay out of his business, and just let him know we are here for him, and give him some kind of structure maybe, hopefully.

If it doesnt work, then at least we tried.

Deuce

Not really an expert at any of this, but I get what you are saying about it doesnt matter what help is offered if its help, then it is sufficient if they want it bad enough. But I get what the other person was saying too. I mean like with this kid, someone said he could lose his car and ride the bus. He has never been on anything more than a schoolbus in his life I dont think. So that would be a culture shock for him. And I think that is what the other person meant about the salvation army and who it caters to. It would be a culture shock to be with people who have been homeless for years, or who have been in prison, havent had proper medical care, etc. when your a kid from the suburbs and your used to a certain lifestyle even if you are using drugs.

Might scare the He** out of him and he would straighten up though !!!

Deuce

I think when she comes over I will have a talk with her. i was laughing after I thought about this becuase this sweet lady she did pawn her troubles off on us. She bagged up his stuff, but then she called my husband knowing he wouldnt let him hit the streets. Thats rather sneaky or something isnt it !!!

Learn2Live

Deuce, you and your husband are going to need support for all the issues that are going to come up while this young man is in your home. Please check into Al-Anon and/or Nar-Anon. For yourselves.

Ursula745

That actually seems very manipulative to me. If she wanted to kick him out, she needed to prepare to be able to accept that you all, nor anyone else, would take him in. Otherwise, what's the point, except she wants someone else to deal with him, but still control the situation.

Ursula745

I agree with learntolive. This is going to consume you all.

kmangel

I think the idea the person was suggesting is that the Salvation Army has free services that the addict can take advantage of rather than putting his/her family in debt over something that very well may be a total waste of everyone's time and money. Some rehabs are quite cushy and expensive. Private rooms, an exercise room, horse back riding, professional chef prepared meals, etc. The rehab my husband and I sent our son to was not cushy but it was plenty costly. It was the bare bones variety--bunking with several other residents and sharing in the up keep of the house. It was a huge investment to my husband and me and something we prayed would be helpful for our son. No guarantees but we are hopeful. We gave it a shot, but told our son that further rehab was on him should he return to drugs. So far so good. However, if he ever needs rehab in the future, the Salvation Army may just be what he will have to look into. At this point in time I don't think our son would be scared straight by going to a Salvation Army rehab. From his relating his experiences of the past four years, he's already experienced his own personal version of what hell is like.

sojourner

Deuce: Welcome to SR. Hope you continue to come back here as you journey through this.

You commented earlier that you and your husband are not holding this young man hostage, that he is at your home voluntarily.

The gist of the wisdom we are trying to pass to you is that we see the beginnings of you and your husband being held hostage by the young man and by his mother. You may not see it yet (or maybe you suspect it and that is why you found your way here), but it happens slowly. This kind of thing happens to kind-hearted people.

Keep coming back. Many of us have been where you are at and have lived to tell the tale, although many of us with our tail between our legs!!!

BeavsDad

Hope the meeting went well and the boy is headed home or to rehab again.

Your husband can take on an active "big brother" role without moving an active addict into your home.

Deuce

Last night didn’t go so well. He has started working this week and when he came in from work yesterday I told him that his mom was going to come over to eat dinner. He said he had plans, and he left before my husband came home from work.

So, my husband called him once and asked him to show up to talk to her. We ate dinner and he never showed up. We were talking for a while after, and he came in. He was acting completely arrogant and told his mom to stop stalking him. She apologized for asking him to leave the house, and told him that she wanted him to come. It was so obvious that he was on something from the way he was acting. I remember that attitude really well from back when my husband would use cocaine. After she told him about the money, he had a huge tantrum, and stormed out. She was yelling at him and crying and started chasing after him. My husband told her to knock it off and just let him go. So she stayed for a while, calmed down and went home. I did manage to get into the night - that she needed to take a step back, stop worrying about him all the time, stop calling me to check up on him, that I would call her if there was anything happening. So maybe that will put an end to all the calls from her… or at least a few.

So he comes back around 2am, and my husband was in the basement waiting for him occupying his time by playing pool. He came home high or buzzed or something, and my husband reminded him that he wasn’t to be in the house with drugs, or when he was wasted. So he told him to leave until he sobered up. And now is when I feel sort of bad, because he said he had no where to go, and he couldn’t drive. (after he had just drove home !!) so he ended up sleeping in the backyard.

When my husband got up for work, he went out and was like lets go, you can come in and eat, and then you have to get to your job. He looked awful this morning. I honestly did feel bad for him. But he kept his mouth shut, and he ate, showered, and went to work (I hope).

Now I see what you are all saying about what to expect.

kmangel

I'm glad you and your husband stuck to your making him leave your home while high. I'm sure he was hoping you wouldn't follow through. Being his warden is no fun, is it? You didn't get even a honeymoon period with him where he seemed to be following your directives before testing them. It'll be a bumpy ride for sure for the two of you. Hang on tight!

BeavsDad

You don't have to deal with this.

Send him home and don't be the enablers when mom get the balls to kick him out again.

Deuce

You really think he should be on th street dont you? I know we dont have to do this. but, so far its fine. His mom really caused more turmoil than he did last night. She seems so sweet, but she has a mouth on her that was shocking.

Lenina

Duece,

Is this young man getting any bereavement counseling? It's a specialized type of counseling and helped me so much when my husband passed. You might call your local hospital Social Services department to see if they have referrals. I would hate to see this kid learn to define himself by his troubles. and thereby use this tragedy to use drugs/alcohol.

There's a lot of books at the library on grief and healing. maybe you could take a look and see if there's something that might reach him. For the mom, I recommend "Widow to Widow. A Handbook."

I hope he can find some peace and healing soon. The drugs and alcohol prolong the suffering,

love from Lenina

BeavsDad

I'm not really worried about him at all. I'm worried about you.

He's an addict and he will do his addict things no matter what you think or do.

My son was smoking heroin at the same age.

I learned alot here. I kicked him out each time he decided active addiction was more appealing than active recovery. This last time we added a Sober Living Environment and so far it's worked out.

When I finally mustered up the courage to do the right thing and kick him out to experience the consequences of his poor adult decisions, I would have been really pissed if someone in my family would have cushioned his fall.

I understand that the situations here have some differences, but the basics still apply.

Learn2Live

If you are going to house an addict in your home, THIS is the kiss of death, as I call it. Because being surrounded by people who feel bad for them makes it worse for them. Don't feel sorry for him; don't feel bad for him. He's not a lost puppy dog. He is a grown man making grown man decisions. He KNEW the rules and he broke them. We codependents often see what we WANT to see and not what is actually staring us in the face.

crazybabie

His mom it going through a lot she is grieving her husband and she has no clue how to deal with an addict. I can remember when I was saying the craziest things before I started seeking help and your now doing what most ALL of us have done before your taking up for the addict taking blame off him.


You had made another comment I forget the exact words it was along the lines of a kid from the suburbs being on the streets or around homeless people/addicts.

That is where this kid will be if something doesn't change and change fast.
I admire you wanting to help but your help has become enabling...that is not a good thing.

I took one of my AS on Mothers Day one year and dropped him at one of our local homeless shelters it broke my heart he managed to get kicked out in 2 days which put him on the streets but I could not and would not enable any more.

Deuce

Thank you for the book idea. That is a good idea & I think I will go to our library and look under that topic.

Yes, he is getting counseling 2x week for grief and linking that to his behavior proiblems, alcohol, drug use. My husband got him a job with a friend and he is able to take off two half days for counseling.

For the most part, he seems to have a pretty solid respect for my husband, and they have somewhat bonded. He says that he feels like he is starting to open up and talk with him a little bit now about his dad. Its odd but he seems to have a lot of anger toward his dad because he died. He was only in his late 40's but he had a heart attack.

My husband was tough on him last night, but he didnt lose his temper or anything with him. He just reminded him of the no drugs in house rule.

We have already offered for him to stay with us for the rest of the summer. We have tried to let him know that he is welcome here, and that we believe he has a great future ahead of him even if he cant see it right now.

I perosnally think its worth a shot because he never had drinking or drug use going on until his dad died. To me its all reactionary, and after seeing his mom lasst night - I think they need some space.

I actually think some books for her might be good too. thanks again for that idea.