Housing a Young Coke Addict struggling with grief

Old 07-12-2012, 02:17 PM
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Originally Posted by Deuce View Post

I havent read a lot about the codependency.

Back years ago, people helped each other out a lot more than they do now, and they thought nothing of it.
People are still helping each other. A couple years ago my city was badly hit by flooding. People came out in droves to help restore homes and possessions of neighbors and strangers.

Read up on codependency because it is not in any way related to the helping hand people give to people who meet with obstacles in their way.

The help that a codependent lends to an alcoholic or drug addict is the kind that stops the alcoholic or drug addict from feeling the consequences of their own actions. I remember hearing someone say years ago that it is important to always make sure the right person is feeling the consequences. In a codependent/A relationship somebody certainly will feel the consequences but it's not the A.

The codependent calls the A's boss making excuses for him/her missing work (when the truth is the A is hungover). The codependent bails the A out of jail so that he/she doesn't have to spend a night in jail. The codependent gives the A a car to drive back and forth to work though their car is wrecked and their license has been suspended--all because the codependent is convinced the A will lose his/her job without a car to drive. The codependent gives the A money for food when the A intends to buy more drugs or alcohol. It's these sorts of situations that a codependent falls for--none of which is helping the A. It's doing for someone else what he or she is totally able to do for him or herself.
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Old 07-12-2012, 09:17 PM
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I agree with all that everyone here has contributed. That said, I think that I still need to look at this person as an individual. Will now address the rest to Deuce.

Deuce,

I think you and your H have really good hearts, and big hearts. Yes, for me it worked out for me in my case. I also didn't have this one "adopted son", I had many. For some reason my son (real son) just attracted many of his friends to our house. They were all troubled youths. My son was not, but in actuality he was. My son, later on in life, at age 22 told me that he knew my ex was abusive, but he then compared his life to his friends lifes.

Many of his friends stayed over, and I treated each and everyone of them with respect.

I fed them, I loved them, and I listened to them. I knew they were young, and back then I really had no boundaries. My only boundary was, if you come here at night, you are staying here. I knew they drank, and I knew some were doing drugs, I just wanted them safe.

So, I was probably wrong to actually know that they were drinking and doing drugs, but at that time that was OK. I knew they weren't driving, I knew they wouldn't be in an accident and die, or kill someone, while driving.

I was OK with this, don't know how I would be about this today.

But they talked to me, they felt the respect that I had for each of them. I know most turned out OK. Lost touch with some of them. But they do know that I loved each and every one of them.

And yes, listen to all the other advice given. It's very good advice and very accurate.

I can't judge this young man that is staying with you. I don't know him, and also, I can't judge another person. I always like to see the "good" in people.

My "adopted son" once tried to pull something in my house. My son told him, you do that you are out of here. Never had a problem after that. He wanted the safety, the security net, and we gave that to him.

Now just know that I am talking about teenagers. Abused teenagers.

Also know that I am a recovering alcoholic. My "sons" and I will say at least 10, didn't know what love and respect was. And there was that one that always stuck around, and I really don't know where I am going from here.

I know that I made a difference to at least one. I never wanted anything for it, never gave it a thought. Saw him last year, and he thanked me, and I didn't know why. He told me that because I believed in him, and that I saw him as a person, that I respected him, that he needed to prove that I was right about him.

He told me that when he dropped out of high school, there was just fighting at home, and that when he told me about this, he told me that I talked to him, told me that he remembered that I said, I should have no say in this, I am not your mother, but he continued to talk, told me when we were talking that it's ok to talk to him like a mother, said that no one talks to him that way. Told me that I was the only one that thought he might someday succeed.

So, I say yes, give the kid a chance. If he breaks or runs all over your boundaries, then yes, tell him to leave, then change the locks, and get a security system.
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Old 07-12-2012, 09:54 PM
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Amy,

You are amazing that you were able to mentor and earn the respect of so many. It sort of reminds me of my aunt and uncle. They had about 5 kids and there were always friends that seemed to practically live there.

Now I cant say they drank or did drugs, but they felt how they were welcome and treated with respect when they were there.

We often dont realize it, but there are many teenagers that are living in less than supportive environemnts, and having a safe place to go and adults who will listen to them does instill a sense of pride and strength in them.

So you did that Amy; that is a really amazing thing.

So if it doesnt work out wiht us, can we send "the kid" your way? lol
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Old 07-12-2012, 10:15 PM
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of course, send him my way. Just kidding of course.

But for some reason I always think that the underlying cause of anything is most likely depression. I'm probably too optimistic. But you know what I found out that that is OK also.

In a few days, actually Aug 2 I will be one year sober.

As for addiction, I feel and I know that for me, it was that I wasn't getting what I wanted. I'm a three time winner over here.

I am an alcoholic, I married one, and my dad was an alcoholic.

Back in my days, I would have done drugs,did some, not many. Was always afraid because I wanted to have children. So I thought drinking was OK, drugs were not, how stupid was that? I needed, I wanted to forget my childhood. I could never have friends come over, so when I had children, that was the one thing that I always faught my ex on. CHILDREN WILL ALWAYS BE ALLOWED IN MY HOUSE.

So, maybe I made a difference to at least one, at least I hope so.
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Old 07-15-2012, 04:18 PM
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I feel like we made some progress with “the kid” this weekend. I know it may mean nothing and he may go get himself loaded even tonight.

Yesterday my husband took him out on his boat, and they spend most the day. My husband loaded of cooler of soda and vitamin water for them. They came back late in the day and seemed like they both had a good time. My husband wanted to take me out to dinner so as not to neglect me, and “ the kid” seemed kind of left out, so my husband asked him if he had a sober friend maybe he wanted to invite over to play pool in the basement, order a pizza or something like that. But he warned him about no friends bringing drugs or alcohol, or he would be responsible for their actions and it was breaking the house rules. He said no, he would just stay and order a pizza and maybe watch tv. Of course, we felt guilty and invited him to come along.

But here is the thing. We were asking him about his friends, and didn’t he have some that were not into drugs or drinking? He said he lost a lot of his friends, and he had withdrawn from classes during Fall and Winter after his dad died (oh, by the way found out he swindled his mom out of tuition for winter and dropped in time to get it all back and didn’t tell her; part of what prompted her to send him to rehab).

He said all his old friends from high school have moved on mostly, or they wont be around him because they know he was into drugs, and drinking ,went to rehab, lost his dad. And his mom he says has talked about him to everyone, and had people praying for him and it was embarrassing to him. Then I found out he used to go to church with his parents and he had friends there, but now he says he wont go there with his mom, and hes too ashamed around all those people.

So my husband and I go to this large church, and it has a lot of social activities for singles, so I asked him at dinner if maybe he would like to go with us today, and he could start all new with people who don’t know him. He said no, and I dropped it. My husband told him about all the cute girls and maybe that had some influence, but this morning he said maybe he would go with us if it was ok.

He went. The kid went to church voluntarily. He didn’t really talk to anyone, but he did pick up a bulletin that told the website, and some upcoming events going on. And Im not saying anything else about it to him, except I asked him later if it was ok, and he said yes. And I just smiled at him.
I know means nothing really. But he could have went out last night and got high when we were at dinner. He could have invited drug friends over and later lied to us, he could have got high while we went to church. But he didn’t.

Im getting sucked into caring dang it all. Just like some of you said might happen.
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Old 07-15-2012, 04:23 PM
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Sounds like a pretty good weekend. It's perfectly okay to feel good when good things happen. Just take it a day at a time.

I'm glad things went so well, and thanks for the update.
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Old 07-15-2012, 05:26 PM
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I know it may mean nothing and he may go get himself loaded even tonight

To me that means something it means he chose NOT to have friends over and use with them and then lie abut it, it also means he chose to not go get high while you were at church he went as well, picking up the activities sheet shows he is at least considering options.

Does that mean he will stay clean NO but it does mean that for TODAY he seems to have made a choice to do so.
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Old 07-15-2012, 05:56 PM
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So far so good. I think as long as he is towing the line it is okay what you are doing. You know to watch for any evidence he is slipping up. I hope he gets plugged in at your church and makes some new, sober friends.
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Old 07-17-2012, 01:03 PM
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Wonderful to hear some positive news. Ive been following your posts as I think what you are doing is very kind. Hope things continue moving in a good direction for both you, your husband, and the young man.

I was wondering if you are worried at all about your husband being exposed to drugs through his helping this boy. It seems like it would be a bit of a risk after he worked hard to get his own sobriety.
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Old 08-05-2012, 09:07 PM
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Weekend update on "the kid"

I went back to my origina l post because I wanted to re-read some of the initial responses that i got when I discussed our plans to take this young man into our home. I have made a couple of prior posts but put them on new threads.

I am happy to report, that again this week everything is good with all of us here.

The kid
- has been going to work (at the job my husband helped get for him). He likes it a lot it seems, and they like him also. He has talked to his boss about staying on part time when he goes back to school. And has expressed interest in working there, and what kind of possibility would there be for him to get into a specific position that he is interested in after he graduates.

- He continues to live on our basement. My husband goes down there a lot, plays pool with him and such. It was sort of my husbands man cave to start with so I dont have much need to go down there. But Ive also been enticed into a few games of pool, and while there I gave the place the once over, and he is keeping it clean. That was one of our requests.

- He is still going to his counseling sessions. I dont keep track, but I know his mother still does, and she would report it to me if he missed one. LOL

- His mother is much better about calling me now. We still usually talk once a day, and it is usually early evening, and the calls are generally short. So that is wonderful news.

- He has been going to church with us, but has now made some friends there. I posted earlier about how he went online and looked at the activities they had planned for singles, and signed up for a full day of stuff a couple weeks ago.
This weekend, he went out again with a group from the church. He has also made a friend at work. A guy who is a little but older, and has been mentoring him on part of his stuff at work. They went to a sporting event one night after work.

- The kids says he has not had any coke, alcohol, or any other drug in over 3 weeks. He has not appeared to be under the influence of anything when ive seen him. He eats dinner with us most nights and every now and then he actually seems to have a sense of humor starting to shine through.

- He wants to go back to school in September. He has talked a lot about how he really screwed up, and that he lost a full 2 semesters, and that now he is behind and all that. He is struggling right now on how he is going to pay for the tuition. If you recall, he took tuition money from his mom last semester and withdrew, got most all of it back, and then wastd it. Thousands of dollars... so now he says he is ashamed to ask her for more money. And she cleaned out his bank account (which had her name on it) so he doesnt have enough. This is his new dilemma.

Cant think of anything else. I wanted to update because I know from the start many people were hoping this would work and Ive received many notes from people saying they are praying for all of us...., and many swore it was a huge mistake.

So far me and husband are fine. No regrets at this point still.
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Old 08-05-2012, 09:46 PM
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That is great news maybe his mom could pay the tuition if he has enough money left and arrange it where he can't get it in order to bring her some peace? Is it too late for him to apply for any student aid? I know usually this far in it is.
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Old 08-06-2012, 01:23 PM
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I'm reading this post and you keep refering to this MAN as a "kid". The way you describe him, he sounds like he's a 15 year old with some pretty challenging learning and emotional disabilities. But he's not. He's 22. He's a grown up. Not a teenager. Not a kid. Not even close. Now I understand he's going through a difficult time with the loss of a parent but that doesn't change the fact that he's an adult.

Hopefully he gets the opportunity to grow up and become a self-supporting MAN at some stage. Part of being an adult is figuring out how to solve our own problems - our tuition problems, our food problems, our shelter problems, find our own jobs, and deal with our personal problems on our own - especially the ones we cause ourselves by using drugs. Otherwise we are hobbled and end up living in someone's basement for the rest of our 20s... and then one day we wake up and we are in our 30s and we still don't know how to take care of ourselves.... And if we haven't learned by then, it's pretty much all down hill from there.

Talking to an adult MAN's mother every day about his doctors appointments (unless you have been appointed his guardian by the state because he is unable to take care of himself due to special needs) seems odd to me. But I guess I grew up in a world that encouraged independence and self sufficiency. I am so grateful for that.
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Old 08-08-2012, 11:40 AM
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This thread is a good reminder for me. It reminds me of something I learned some years ago but had forgotten, and did yet again. I learned that my standards of living are actually NOT everyone else's. And I learned that MY way really is only good for ME. That really, I need to keep standing aside, minding my own side of the street, and letting God do things HIS way.

I learned that I can bring a crack addicted alcoholic into my home and clean him up; make him take daily showers, brush his teeth, and wear deodorant; suggest, force or entice him to go to the doctor, the dentist, the psychologist, AA, NA, to church, to school, and to rehab; watch his behavior over time and measure it according to what I think is best for him; monitor his relationships with others; feed him nourishing food; help him get his finances together; buy him nice clothes and do his laundry for him; make sure he goes to work and monitor his spending; and all sorts of other things I have done "for"others I wanted to "help." But in the end, none of what I felt good about, none of the "results," were an indication of ANYTHING. In the long run, none of my sacrifices really made that much difference. Turns out I really was just enabling, when I thought what I was doing was instructing and helping. People are going to live their lives the way they are going to live their lives, regardless of how much I give, sacrifice, say or teach.

The way I measure health and success in life really has nothing to do with whether or not an addict or alcoholic will get and stay clean. I've several times heard someone running away from me say, "I need to be my own man!" I didn't understand it the first time I heard it. I understand it now.

It's like Owathu said in a post on F&F/Alcoholics yesterday:

Water seeks it's own level and I've been trying to act like a Dam for years.
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Old 08-08-2012, 02:17 PM
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I too brought a crack addict into my home. Thought I could help him. Supported him. Gave him some respectability. Made him a father. Brought him to church with me. Ditto on the toothbrush and the clean clothes. I supported him through his clean and using days in hopes that he would see the light and CHANGE.

He didn't. He's still the same crack addict. He prefers that lifestyle I guess. Far be it for me to fix him. Only person I really hurt or helped during that time of my life was me.

Reminds me of the saying, what do you get when you put lipstick on a pig.
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Old 08-08-2012, 03:04 PM
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He has a solution for his tuition problem.

It has had me cracking up with laughter since Sunday. My husband was asking him what he really did with all the tuition money that he pocketed from the Winter semester that his mom paid for. He had told us a long time before that he spent part of the money on a motorcycle. (the rest went for partying, powder cocaine, drink)

He used the bike for a couple of months but it has been in his moms garage since he came back from rehab still using, took it out one night and says he was almost murdered because someone intentionally tried to kill him. (Ive no idea if that was true or he imagined it) but anyway, my husband figured it was like a regular bike and maybe worth five thousand or something, but they were talking about it and apparently it’s a really good one and cost over 20k. I know nothing about motorcycles but its called a Ducati or something close to that.

My husband went with him over to his moms on Sunday to look at it, and my husband came home riding it. He is now in love with this bike. There is no way in the world he is going to buy that bike. I don’t like them and I think they are dangerous, but right now he is like a little kid. He even drove it to work yesterday ! The real kid has decided he wants to sell it. He says he couldn’t park it anywhere because he was afraid it would be stolen, and he swears he almost died that last time he drove it. Its funny because he just does not look like the type to ride a motorcycle. He is kinda skinny, and not real tuff looking.

So the good news is that if he can sell it, then with what he has in the bank still, and what he has been earning working this summer full time; he should have enough to pay for the whole semester. He refuses to ask his mom for help because he admits he screwed up, and he says he will prove to her this semester that he is serious about his studies, and then he hopes she will again start picking up the tab. But now he has to get the bike away from my husband.
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Old 08-08-2012, 06:08 PM
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Old 08-26-2012, 11:52 AM
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It's been several weeks since I've been here. "The Kid" as I fondly call him is doing really well.

He has started up his college classes again, and is paying for all of his tuition, books, etc. himself.
He was able to sell his motorcycle, and looks like that covered everything. He talked to his academic advisor to help him get back on track; he basically lost 2 semesters after his father died and he got involved with the drug lifestyle. He decided to take a full course load; and seems very excited and dedicated to continuing his studies.

His mom is over the moon happy !

He is still living with me and my husband. We offered for him to stay at least through this first semester back as he seems to be very stable here & will be going through a lot of adjustment with adapting to college life again.

Also, he has switched over to part time, but he is still working at the company my husband hooked him up with. They have been really good to him; letting him float and learn different aspects of the business this summer, and have now let him settle into the purchasing department for his part time work. It has been very good for building his self esteem and confidence.

None of this would have been possible if he had not made such positive changes in his life. He is no longer using drugs ! He is no longer drinking ! He has a complete new set of friends (many are from church; he is attending regularly). His attitude about his future has changed and he is actually excited about so many things now.

My husband; who as I stated before was a recreational cocaine user many years ago; believes that since getting off the drugs and booze - the depression is finally starting to lift for him & his true self is surfacing again. It's been a really great thing to witness.

"Our College Man" is still having regular weekly therapy sessions, and the doctor was able to get him to attend a one day seminar for teens and young adults on coping with the loss of a parent. I think during this he was able maybe for the first time to talk about the loss of his dad around people of his own age, and they could relate. He said afterward that it made him feel less alone; and not crazy for his feelings and actions since his dad died.

I so wish his mother would do something like this; she is still in so much pain over the loss of her husband.

Anyway, I just wanted to give an update. He is going to face many challenges in the next few months as the pressures of college exams, work, and the anniversary of his fathers death come around.

Please continue to keep him in your prayers
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Old 08-26-2012, 12:38 PM
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Thanks, for the update Deuce, I am glad things are working out and will pray they continue too I am really glad to hear he is back in school also glad he has went for some grief counseling I have never lost a parent and I am a daddy's "girl" the thought scares me.

Between school, work and activities if he keeps his self busy it will help through those anniversary days without his dad I am going through that now my brothers birthday is coming up and even though it has been 3 years I still start getting anxious a couple of weeks before.
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Old 08-26-2012, 12:44 PM
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You know, I'm a tough cookie about enableing and co-dependance, but I think that every now and then a helping hand and someone who unconditionally cares, makes a difference in someone's life. And why would a addict be ruled out as being one of those someones? Despite all I have been though with my addicts, and all the praying I have done that seems to no avail at times, I still believe that through God all things are possible and He uses people like you and your husband as instruments.

I just advise you to be careful to keep a boundary not to enable and be alert for manipulation.. But, obviously, you are doing some things right with this young man to posture him for success... Even if it is temporary, any amount of time clean and on the the right track is an investment in recovery.

I would like to send my son over to you. Got any openings? Maybe you should start a sober living house. Seems like you guys have a gift.
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Old 08-26-2012, 12:55 PM
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You know, I'm a tough cookie about enableing and co-dependance, but I think that every now and then a helping hand and someone who unconditionally cares, makes a difference in someone's life. And why would a addict be ruled out as being one of those someones? Despite all I have been though with my addicts, and all the praying I have done that seems to no avail at times, I still believe that through God all things are possible and He uses people like you and your husband as instruments.

I just advise you to be careful to keep a boundary not to enable and be alert for manipulation.. But, obviously, you are doing some things right with this young man to posture him for success... Even if it is temporary, any amount of time clean and on the the right track is an investment in recovery.

I would like to send my son over to you. Got any openings? Maybe you should start a sober living house. Seems like you guys have a gift.
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