Lenina

Duece,

I was widowed suddenly many years ago. One of the books that helped me a lot was "Widow to Widow" and I believe it's still in print. Also, there used to be a nation wide support group also called Widow to Widow. the Mom might want to check it out. I'm not sure of the locations but I bet the social services department of your local hospital can find it. Some hospitals offer a Life Transistions program but in these days of severe budget cuts, I don't know. it's worth looking into, I think. I know it helped me so much.

Love from Lenina

Deuce

You know I never really thought of it as enabling him; but I guess if you look at the popular definition; dont do anything for an addict that they could do for themselves - then we have. We let him stay in our home for free. My husband helped find him a job through his network of friends, we let him eat dinner with us.

What I really think is that while he was living with his mom; she was suffering from grief and lots of stress over the new visual of her future, and he was hit with grief and started acting out. The dynamics between them were causing lots of stress for both and feeding the frenzy.

I think coming to stay with us gave him some calm because we treated him with respect, and stayed out of his way except for a very few rules required to live with us. But the main thing I think has been that my husband formed a bond with him, and has been viewed sort of like a father figure for these last few months. I think he really just needed some guidance, and to be let alone to figure things out with the help of his therapist.

All of the credit for change so far goes to him.. definetly not us.

Deuce

Thanks Lenina. I will see if I can find any information on that group, and forward it to his mom. She has tried a couple of things; but says she is very uncomfortable going out and talking in a group setting. It seems like she is still trying to hold all her feeling in; at least in front of others. Its been almost a year now...

Lenina

((((Duece))) I know how she feels, I think. I really needed counseling specific to bereavement to help settle me. Thank you for helping her through this bad time. The changes that come with widowhood are so hard.

love, Lenina

Deuce

I have not posted in a while, but wanted to give an update on the young man (“the kid” as I have affectionately called him here). He is still living with us. A while back he offered to pay us a small amount of rent. We accepted it not because we really wanted his money, but he was trying to take responsibility for himself, and show respect to us.

Last time I posted he had managed to sell the motorbike that he bought with swindled money from his mom; tuition for a semester he dropped. He was afraid to ride the bike after he bought it, which in a way is really funny; be careful what you wish for type of thing. But he did sell it, and with the money he earned working this summer he was able to pay this semesters tuition. He is back in college !! It has been two months and no problems with school. He goes regular, seems to be doing good because he has showed us some of his reports and things after they were graded, he seems proud of himself. He also worked his schedule so he is able to continue working part time at the job my husband helped him get right after he came to live with us. He likes it there and he hopes to get a full time job after he graduates. If he does well, then his mom is planning to continue paying for his college tuition as that was something they wanted to do for him.

The other major thing is that he made it through the anniversary of his dads death. That is what started his whole drinking and drugging last year. He went with his mom to the gravesite, and they spent some time together. He did something that I thought was maybe healing. He had been going to see a psych doctor for a long time, he was consistent with that and he still goes. But I guess the therapist had him write down as part of his treatment, things that he was angry with his father about. So the night he came home after being with him mom and at the grave; he took the things he had written and he burned them in a small bonfire in our backyard. I think it was his way of saying he had let go of the anger and found some forgiveness or at least understanding.

He continues to be close to my husband, they are friensds I would say. I am really proud of my husband for stepping up to help his friends son during this really difficult, emotional trying time in his life.

Right now things are well with all of us. “The Kid” is planning to stay with us through the winter semester, and then we will see. He has made a lot of new friends, sober friends. Many are from the church that we go to. He still goes on a regular basis and has been involved with some of the activities that they offer . He has a girlfriend now from the church. She is also a college student, and a year younger than him. I don’t know a lot about their relationship, except that she seems nice, polite. My husband and I met her parents, they also attend the church. The kid’ was worried about how to explain our relationship and his living arrangements to the parents, but he ended up just saying that we were close friends of his dads; that his dad had passed away, and that he was staying with us while going to school. He was actually really stressed out about it, and it was no big deal.

He definitely keeps things interesting and makes me look at things in a different way. I sort of look at him as a little brother now; my husbands little brother. Maybe this is Gods plan to help me and my husband prepare to have our own children one day soon.

Thank you to everyone who has kept us in their prayers all these months.

Ilovemysonjj

Deuce, thank you for the update. "The Kid" is fortunate to have such a strong support system. I think that you and your husband have provided him with a stable environment without too much enabling. That is always positive for recovering addicts. Too hard to go back home where dysfunctional relationships are hard to break. I too hope when my AS gets out of jail that he finds a support system to help him transition.
Sending happy supportive thoughts to you and your extended family
Hugs,
Teresa

crazybabie

I am glad things are still going good I must admit I was concerned they wouldn't he seems to be committed to his recovery at this time and future I will keep praying.

sojourner

Wow Deuce - great story! Thanks for sharing.....