outtolunch

Does this 22 year old work? Attend school FT? Own a car? Pay for his car and health insurance? Cell phone? Given he inherited money, is there some reason why he does not have his own place?

In other words, is he taking any responsibility for his own life?

Deuce

Hello again everyone.

Since Ive been reading here and other places, I think I have identified something that is going to possibly stall his recovery. He inherited a good sum of money that went directly to him from a life insurance policy after his father died. He is young and its obvious he is blowing through it right now. Wasting what could be spent on his future on drugs and booze.

I talk to his mother everyday (multiple times because she keeps calling me), and she is worried sick about him. We were talking about the money, and she said it was sitting in a bank account because he wouldn’t invest it like she wanted him to. I asked her if her name was on the account by any chance, and she said yes. I told her that I thought she should go and withdraw all the money out of the account, or at least most of it, and put it someplace safe for him. She is worried he will get angry, but he is already angry about getting kicked out , so I don’t think it will make much difference.

Ive also suggested that she cut off his cellphone, drop his internet service, and take back the car that she is letting him drive around in. Its in her name, and Im worried that if he gets in an accident, she will be liable for damages that insurance wont pay. Drinking and Driving….. BIG NO even if there is a chance of it happening. And snorting coke and driving also a BIG NO. The hope would be that by the time school is to begin, he will be in better shape and can then have the car back because he does commute to college & so he will need it. But honestly if he doesn’t clean himself up, I cant imagine him making it to his classes and being successful.

She is resisting all of this because of guilt.

She isn’t too big on the internet, but I have told her Ive found lots of websites and information that I could share with her, including this site. I have told her that there is a group like AA for family members, and she said she already knew about it from when her son was in rehab, but she doesn’t feel like she is able to go because she is so depressed.

How can I encourage her to go? Wont it maybe make her feel better and give her hope, let her meet people who she can talk to and who understand?

Are my suggestions to pull the financial plug on her son wrong?

I have talked this over with my husband, and he said it might work at least to motivate him to work and earn some money to pay for the things he must have – like cellphone, computer. My husband already has talked to another friend who has offered him a job for the rest of the summer until he goes back to college, and will work around his going to counseling. And obviously he is staying with us, and we think it would be better he did this for a while because his mom is just in no shape. The more I talk to her I can tell she is seriously depressed. Its coming from losing her husband and all the pressures, and the actions of her son. Anyway, my husband and I will end up driving him around to counseling and work etc. if this happens with the car, but Ive decided Im willing to do this.

Man, I feel like we have opened up a can of worms getting involved with these two.

kmangel

Yes, the can of worms has been opened!

So often people fall into doing for someone what they are capable of doing for themselves--so yes, pulling the plug on someone who can handle their own financial and other needs is appropriate. My husband in the past would say things like our son would lose his job without his car, etc., but the truth is our son is very capable. I decided one day to get the keys back for the car he was driving (our car) among other things that we were providing for our son. He now says he doesn't want the car back--he wants a scooter to keep down the cost of insurance and other costs associated with driving. He is managing just fine with taking the bus right now while his license is suspended. I believe his character is being molded by doing what he has to do in the moment without someone (me and my husband) fixing his problems for him. I don't get any sense at all that he is upset with my husband and me. He seems to accept his lot. Maybe your friend's son isn't at the place where he is accepting of the restrictions/plug being pulled, but in time hopefully he will come to realize it was the right thing to do.

Deuce

Other than moving in with us, none of it has happened yet because his mother isnt sure its whats best. I guess my main issue is the money even if she lets him keep the car, and the phone, and the internet.

I feel sick having him waste an inheritance, and I know what will happen is he will start buying bigger material things soon, along with the drugs and it will all be gone. So if the money isnt removed, taking the car meand nothing ,he will go buy a new one, etc.

kmangel

I agree that what is likely to happen in this situation is not going to be the responsible course of action, but it is not your problem to solve. Make suggestions and then let it go. They are going to do what they are going to do whether you like it or not. Having the son move in with you is going to be very irritating to you if he squanders his money, uses drugs and alcohol, or worse happens. Be wary.

Ann

Please hide your valuables, bank cards, all check books and any jewelery that you value.

My son is an addict and I let him come home many times and it never worked even once. I tried things you haven't even dreamed of yet and it didn't work for him. We can't love them into recovery, if we could not one of us would be here.

I'm sorry but I think you are making a terrible terrible mistake to let him come live with you. His behaviour will be no better there than at home.

If he wants help, he can call the Salvation Army and get into a program for free. He can find a sober living house and live with support all around him, or he can get a job and support himself like a man should.

Whatever you choose, we are here for you. Please at lease take a good read around and see what you are setting yourself up for.

Keeping you all in my prayers.

Learn2Live

I agree regarding moving the money and taking back the car. If he has no cash he can't buy coke unless he works for it or steals it. The mom is afraid he'll be angry? Not afraid he'll be dead? She needs to educate herself about this. But just like you can't force the addict to seek recovery, you can't force the parent either. Careful how enmeshed you get with these folks and how invested you get in the outcomes.

lesliej

it's his money. it's his life. you are way up in his business, and wedging yourself in between the mother and son relationship.

you suggest he cut him off from everything, but you and your husband are the heroes...stepping in to help when mommy kicks out the 21 year old addict

why are you in this can of worms? everyone here is telling you that you cannot help

milo88

I just wanted to tell you of my own experience when I lived with my grandmother for a while when I was 17 and, I suppose, heading down the wrong path. My grandmother really helped me - but not by taking control. She stayed right out of my relationship with my parents and any other problems I might have (which, looking back, were many!!) She gave me old fashioned homeliness and appreciation for who I was, and she helped me to believe in myself. She encouraged every step I took and made me feel good about myself.
I realise now that she probably manipulated me sometimes by always pressing on me that she knew I would always do the right thing etc etc. It helped that she had little money herself and was a woman of the land, so everything was very down to earth and basic, and I knew she needed me to pull my own weight. I can't tell you how much I appreciate now what she did for me - coming from, as I did, just being expelled from school and in an environment where nobody really seemed to care what I did.
I know it's a different situation, but I know from that experience that it really is possible to help another - not by taking control or making decisions for them, but by empowering them and helping them realise their own strengths.
I was pretty unhappy when I was young and I felt useless, but she made me feel like an adult and respected - and that helped me so so much.
His money is his own, no matter how he spends it or whether he wastes it or not, and his recovery will be his own. My own grief led me down the wrong path when I was much older, it happens!!!
If you can support him emotionally in his grief, and if you can help him to lead his own life in a good way, let him stay - but if you aren't up to that - and no shame there, I don't know if I would be right now - don't do it!!! Especially don't try to take control of his life! That is disempowering and we all hate that.
He won't steal from you if he has money.

KnBlueSkies

If the mom has her name on the account, and she can legally remove the money, then I think she should. Open a new account, or invest it somewhere on his behalf. If she feels guilty about it, ask her to think about what her husband would have wanted to happen to the life insurance money that he wanted to go to his son. Im sure it was intended to better his life, not be wasted by a drug influenced mind.

The situation with the money is similar to what happened with my husband (before I knew him). At the peak of his use, he resigned from his job and left town very irresponsibly, and when he did that his parents found a way to take control of most of his assets in an attempt to preserve the money, and the property. They made sure that he had access to enough that he never got desperate for cash and had to resort to God knows what, but the rest was nice and secure waiting for him to clean up his act. Fortunately, he did that. It took a while…. But once he was cleaned up, drug free, and again part of ‘life’, he was very grateful for what they did because he was in much better situation financially. (oh, and my husband was older than 22 when that happened).

The small stuff like the cellphone, and internet I don’t have an opinion on really, but if he is using his moms car while he is drinking or high, then I think its only reasonable to try to keep him off the streets.

I think what you are trying to do is very kind, but it sounds like could lead to a lot of stress. rSo make sure you dont forget to take care of yourself.

Also, Is his mom getting some counseling or something for her grief and depression? That would be a good place for her to start I would think.

crazybabie

Deuce, Have you considered that he could possibly turn violent if "his" money is taken and put in safe keeping? I was payee over my son's money for many years and even after his monthly allotment was out he would get very mean and vindictive.

I agree it would be bad for the money to be wasted but in all honesty it is his to waste if he sees fit? Learning experiences are part of the process. How does your husband feel about the money situation he would likely have some kind of experience that he may have seen with others?

The car mom needs to get IMO for her own good she is going through so much grief and pain and doesn't deserve any added factors and it is very possible he could wreck the car.

how can I encourage her to go? Wont it maybe make her feel better and give her hope, let her meet people who she can talk to and who understand?

Could you possibly go with her the first time and maybe drive her? The people at the meetings will understand BUT the meetings are about her and for her we do not talk much about our addicts at the meetings we learn how to live our life regardless of what our addict is doing.

Do you know if the mom has a therapist or goes to grief counseling?

itsthepop

In this situation if it was my daughter, I would have no problem taking inheritance money away from her until she was off of drugs and in her right mind. I think anything less would be irresponsible as a parent.

My daughter has just started individual counseling, in fact today is her first day. I wanted to comment on treatment because I did a lot of research when I was looking for things for my daughter. It sounds like this young man went to a rehab for 60 days, but Im wondering if they properly addressed his emotional issues? Some rehabs are not equipped to do that in much depth. Also, someone suggested the Salvation Army to me regarding my daughter, and I saw it was mentioned to you also. I had never heard of it in regards to treatment but my view is that it should not be considered anywhere near the top of the treatment chain if there is insurance, or support from family financially for more personalized care. To me it would be a last resort, and it seems it is because many of the homeless / drug addicts use it. Not bashing that, it is a wonderful thing to have available. But in my daughters case, she would likely end up more damaged from the experience.

I think your efforts to help this mother and son are very kind hearted. I hope it has a good outcome for all of you.

outtolunch

Regardless if it's right or wrong, it's a crime.

outtolunch

You and your husband have no boundaries or business in this situation. I am going to go out on a limb here and plant the seed that something like this could eventually put his own sobriety into jepardy.

Deuce

I think its not really proper to say we are trying to wedge ourselves between a mother and son. She called my husband, she asked for our help. The son was not strong armed to come stay with us. And not everyone is saying we cant be of any help, and unless you are God or have a crystal ball, you cant guarantee that.

Deuce

I hope its not a crime because his mom said that was able to go to the bank and she had the money transferred out of what was I think a joint account. She said she left him $5000. He got a lot from the life insurance policy and I agree with those of you who said that he is not capable of managing money right now. She is not taking it away from him permanently just until he gets through this crisis.

She decided not to take away his phon, internet, or car. She said that she was going to up the insurance coverage however. My only worry with him having the car is that he will drive under the influence of something & he could get hurt along with some innocent person.

She asked to come over tonight and talk to him wiht us there. She wants to tell him about the money before he discovers its gone on his own. I think she wants my husband around in case he flips out.

She is also going to tell him he can come home if he wants. She is feeling reall guilty for kicking him out last week. Knowing this woman I dont know how she got the nerve to put his stuff on the porch and actually do it in the first place.

But anyway, she would really prefer him to stay with us for a while, and although it may be a huge mistake tonight we are going to tell him that we want him to stay through the summer if he would like to.


MILO88 - thank you for your post. This is basically what we have in mind. We dont plan to try to direct his life, but we do want to extend our friendship, the repsect that we had for his father, and offer him a safe place, where he can relaxm and have a chance to pull himself together and get his life back on track.

My husband and I have talked it over, and I think we will only stick with the rules he set in place when he came temporarily. Keep the basement clean. (Its a finished basement with a walkout and big french doors, private bedroom / bath, and part of it is what would be called a man-cave I guess. My husband has a pool table, refrig, living room area with big tv and all that) No drugs in the house (and I already know my husband is doubting this is possible; but he says we have to put it out there, cannot be at the house drunk, and my husband told him that he had to be respectful of me otherwise he was out.

He talks to my husband, and they have spent time together in the last week. He has ate dinner with us on most nights, but he seems to try to avoid me and Im not sure why but then I didnt know him that well to begin with as his dad was my husbands friend.

Thank you to everyone for being honest about experiences you have had. I know its a longshot that we can really do much to help him. I mean its his choice, but maybe in a different environment he will see things differently ?
I hope. Regardless, we volunteered so if we get a bite in the butt in will be our own fault. Well, it will be my husbands fault actually ! he said please' he wanted to do this.

I will keep posting if its ok. This could get rough I think. I hope tonight goes ok, but Im expecting fireworks over the money and his moms presence here.

Deuce

I offered today to go with her if she wanted, and she said she didnt think so right now. She just didnt feel like it. So I guess there is not much I can do with that. I swear since he has been here, she calls me like every hour starting at 8 am. ( Even when Im at work, and I dont know what her son is doing, or where he is at.) But I cant tell her to stop beause I know she is just upset right now. Thats why she needs to come here to this forum and post all day.. and night... !!!

outtolunch

Back when, I used to feel the same way about my daughter and did not want her in a Salvation Army Program with "homeless people and drug addicts". I don't know what I was thinking because at the time, my daughter was an IV drug user, just like your daughter and the only thing that did not render her homeless was my money.

Deuce

I dont know if that was meant for me, but we are not considering another rehab. He went for 60 days to a place his mom set up. Truthfully I dont think he got enough counseling for grief, and he hated it there. So I think that the private counseling might have a better effect on him. He seems to be doing that without complaint, but I know those types of things take time for progress to be made. But hopefully. will happen.

outtolunch

My comment was a reaction to another poster's comment about the Salvation Army being the bottom of the barrel. There is only one thing that makes a difference , the addicts burning deasire to get and stay off drugs/alcohol, no matter what. If the commitment is there, everything else is gravy.