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Husband arrested again

Old 07-02-2012, 12:16 AM
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Husband arrested again

So many times I wanted to post my story ask for advice so I want to start my 1st post by saying THANK YOU to each and every one of you. YOU HAVE NO IDEA how much strength you have given me by sharing your deapest secrets, thoughts most painful moments that this addiction causes everyone it touches just not the addict.
So I am not going to make this long and get into great detial because MY STORY IS WAY TO LONG! LOL And my codependecy started with my 1st husband that I was married to for 16 years which I had no idea until I came to this site and read codepenant no more and started attending meetings on a regular basis. That being said I married my 2nd husband at the end of 2011NO REGRETS because if I had not done that I WOULD NOT HAVE LEARNED so much about myself and where I am today.
But I am looking for help, advice tonight you see my AH started using METH 2 monthís after we where married and he left and I waited for the call that he was in jail well when he got out he went to his NEW FOUND SISTER that they had been split up since their mom died from a herrion overdoes when my AH was 3, well the sister runs a SOBER LIVING AND WAS A BIG PART of us getting back together when he came back in my life right before we got married he was at sober living with his sister for over a year!
Anyway he got out of jail and went to the sisterís we only talked on the phone that was the end of MAY 2012. She text me asking me for money said he was in a 6 month program and she could use help paying for his personal items, cigs deodrant things like that. (I WAS STRONG I SAID NO!) Well then she text me a week ago stating she felt like she was slapped in the FACE and he doesnít love her he left and was back on METH! Iwas so proud of my response I said well please remember YOU DID NOT CAUSE IT, YOU CAN NOT CONTROL IT AND YOU CAN NOT CURE IT! And this has nothing to do with LOVE it is a disease and itís sad because it is clear he has not reached HIS BOTTOM and I AM SCARED for him what his bottom truly is.
Well yesturday a text stating he was arrested for possession and she is going to ask that they give him a 6 month program and she has faith and knows this time everything will be fine because he knows he needs help and this is his 1st possession charge and she is so happy about that! Well he has said all those things to me in the past as well as this man has been in and out of jail since he was 16 and he will be 30 this year! BUT I WILL NOT LIE IT HURTS THAT HE IS CALLING HER NOT ME! IT HURTS THAT HE HASNíT CALLED HOME AT ALL THIS TIME!
So when I get that text on Tueday from her letting me know how court went how do I respond? How do I respond to him if and when he calls? How would you all handle this situation with AH sister? I do know codependency is a daily struggle just like addiction and I CONTINUE TO WORK on me daily, but it doesnít mean itís not hard it doesnít mean that I am not SCARED TO DEATH AND question every decsion and step I make exspecially when it pertains to my AH!
Thank you all again for your strength and guidance as I am so happy I came across such an amazing site! Sorry it's longer than I thought I feel like I need to write a book about my life sometime! lol
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Old 07-02-2012, 06:41 AM
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Hello broken4ever. I am glad you felt comfortable enough to finally post here it appears you have been reading quite a bit be proud of yourself for that.

Well then she text me a week ago stating she felt like she was slapped in the FACE and he doesnít love her he left and was back on METH! Would appear to me if she runs a SLE she would not be caught so off guard about this maybe her having him where she assist running SLE is not the best choice someone in her position should know "their" addict is not special.

BUT I WILL NOT LIE IT HURTS THAT HE IS CALLING HER NOT ME! IT HURTS THAT HE HASNíT CALLED HOME AT ALL THIS TIME!

It seems to me reading what she is saying to you she has become his new enabler of sorts?

So when I get get that text on Tueday from her letting me know how court went how do I respond?

I am going out on a limb here but I am thinking maybe you are in agreement for her to tell you the outcome? If so respond with thank you?

How do I respond to him if and when he calls? For me that is always a hard one while you have been reading did you consider any boundaries about what you are and are not willing to live with?


How would you all handle this situation with AH sister? I am not understanding what his sister is doing that has you feeling how do I handle her?

I do know codependency is a daily struggle just like addiction and I CONTINUE TO WORK on me daily, but it doesnít mean itís not hard it doesnít mean that I am not SCARED TO DEATH AND question every decsion and step I make exspecially when it pertains to my AH!

I understand your being scared fear is a big part for us especially in the beginning while you have been working on you have you been to any meetings yet?
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Old 07-02-2012, 07:35 AM
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Welcome to SR......

I don't try to handle anyone......except me. There is a whole lot about him and her but not much about you in your post. As codependents, we tend to get wrapped up in what is going on around us with other people rather than concentrating what is going on in ourselves.

If you haven't tried Nar-Anon, it might be something for you to give some consideration. It helped me take the focus off the addict and the chaos around him and begin focusing on what I do control.....me. Once I started focusing on me, I didnt have to worry about how to handle anyone else.

I hope you stick around. Read. Post. Ask questions. And give consideration to finding a face to face support group. It really helped me.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 07-02-2012, 09:35 AM
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Thank you both so very much I have seen both of you respond to others here and I so admire and respect you both! crazybabie I am going to just respond thank you and I am going to reach out and find a meeting this week. kindeyes thank you as well for pointing that out as much as I try and work on not having chaos in my life it's so easy to slip back into and get all wrapped up in it and not focus on me I do needed to hear that ( I say all the time I am the only one that can control my feelings my reactions and make my own choices!) I need to STOP SAYING IT AND DOING IT!
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Old 07-02-2012, 09:55 AM
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Welcome to SR!

I am a hard-wired codependent and I struggle daily with codependency even though I have been in recovery for years and years.

So I just want to remind you that you always have the right to CHANGE YOUR MIND. If you take on a responsibility that does not belong to you, and you realize you've made a mistake doing so, you can HAND IT BACK.

You may not always make the automatic right and healthy decision. But if you make a wrong decision, you are never trapped there. Just shift gears and turn that buggy around in the right direction. Don't worry if people are upset with you changing your mind. As long as you know that you are doing the healthy action, and are being authentic (as opposed to being fake to please people), you will be able to do whatever you need to do to maintain your recovery.

All that brother/long lost sister drama: I can't see how it adds anything positive to your life.
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Old 07-02-2012, 10:11 AM
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Originally Posted by EnglishGarden View Post
I just want to remind you that you always have the right to CHANGE YOUR MIND. If you take on a responsibility that does not belong to you, and you realize you've made a mistake doing so, you can HAND IT BACK.

You may not always make the automatic right and healthy decision. But if you make a wrong decision, you are never trapped there.

Thanks, EnglishGarden, for those words. I know I definitely forget this at times. Great reminder.
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Old 07-02-2012, 05:42 PM
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EnglishGarden wow thank u so much that hit me no one has ever said that to me before and you are so right we always don't make the right choices it's correcting them and as you said turn that buggy around! LOVE THAT!
And it is a bunch of drama that I continue to remove the negative from my life! Thank you all again for this support this site is truly amazing!
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Old 07-02-2012, 06:10 PM
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You know...the thing that sticks out in my mind is your name. broken4ever. That's pretty sad. Your post doesn't sound like your broken. You just sound human to me, faced with the challenges a lot of us have had to face.

And the BIGGEST challenge we've had to face is putting the focus on ourselves and our recovery. You can't help your AH. No one can. He has to want to find and embrace recovery.

If you take care of you, you won't be broken forever. You'll be wiser, more honest with yourself, and more aware of how people behave in order to get what they want.

I'm pulling for you.

ZoSo
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Old 07-02-2012, 08:00 PM
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you know zoso i thought the same thing. 4ever is a long time, and no man deserves to have that amount of brokeness spent on him. but i can understand that we sometimes feel like its all too much at a time. you look after you broken(but not forever), and put up your boundaries again and work out what is best for you. other peoples dramas are just that...dramas. don't buy into it. listen, offer advise or help where needed, but it isn't your burden to bare. it is your exAH. so let him own it and you own you and your life. its funny how changing the way we think about a situation can make such a huge difference to our own well being. good luck and hope you are feeling less broken soon. (maybe slight damaged, under repair, or watch this space...ahhah)
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Old 07-02-2012, 08:18 PM
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Let his sister deal with him.. Just protect yourself from any fall out as a result of your legal ties.. I know the emotional bond is big for you, but ask yourself..Do I really need this guy in my life? Start taking steps to heal...

sorry if I sound cold.. in one of those moods...HUGS
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Old 07-02-2012, 09:33 PM
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ZoSo I thought about my name before posting anything one of the threads I saw one time someone asked how you picked your user name boy that thread had me thinking back to the beginning of this year I did feel so broken and felt like it was going to be FOREVER. I think so different now and Jody675 you are right slight damaged, under repair is so so right on! Amaslow doesn't sound cold at all ( i am in one of those moods today as well) you actually sound like MY sister who calls me daily to ask if I have taken care of the legal paper work at the courts! (as you said to protect me legally)
I feel so grateful that I finally opened up and shared last night what great advise from people who have been in my shoes and I feel truly blessed right now! I need to change my name to stronger4ever or blessed4ever oh I like that one but really broken4ever reminds me of where I was the day I signed up for this site! Not saying that I don't have days I am still BROKEN but somedays we take it day by day sometimes hour by hour and sometimes minute by minute and like EnglishGarden said earlier we have the right to CHANGE OUR MINDS and turn the buggy around and take control take back our own control of any situation!
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