They want DNA from him now
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 134
pinkchampagne, I'm not sure why you come onto this forum.
Are you looking for advice? Because if so...yes, you have come to the right place because we've all dealt with addicts in our lives. HOWEVER, you don't seem to want to hear the advice we're giving to you. You seem surprised when the response is overwhelmingly negative. An overwhelmingly negative response to an overwhelmingly negative situation....I'm not sure why you're surprised by the response.
Maybe you should take a step back and look at the big picture here. The people you have told about this situation (everyone on this forum) thinks it's a bad idea for you to be with this guy, and doesn't have anything really positive to say about him. You are afraid to reveal the situation to your parents because you think they will also have a negative reaction. Logic says that it can't be that everyone is wrong here....good logic would lead you to the conclusion that maybe everyone is right.
Just a thought....
Are you looking for advice? Because if so...yes, you have come to the right place because we've all dealt with addicts in our lives. HOWEVER, you don't seem to want to hear the advice we're giving to you. You seem surprised when the response is overwhelmingly negative. An overwhelmingly negative response to an overwhelmingly negative situation....I'm not sure why you're surprised by the response.
Maybe you should take a step back and look at the big picture here. The people you have told about this situation (everyone on this forum) thinks it's a bad idea for you to be with this guy, and doesn't have anything really positive to say about him. You are afraid to reveal the situation to your parents because you think they will also have a negative reaction. Logic says that it can't be that everyone is wrong here....good logic would lead you to the conclusion that maybe everyone is right.
Just a thought....
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by outtolunch 
My dad said the same thing. I have never even had a parking ticket or cause for one.
Pink, he wasn't mean. He never had to bail any of us out of jail. He never had to pay for any attorneys. Thankfully, he never had to sit and hear the sordid details of how someone died of a drug overdose who I was involved with. I would never do that to either of my parents. I would never be that MEAN to them!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 453
Hi Pink,
I don't usually post much, but your story grabbed me. I can see myself in your story. I'm a recovering alcoholic (a little over 2 years sober), and all of my "romantic" relationships have been with alcoholics and addicts.
My first love was a drug addict. He got me to try drugs, too. I stayed away from drugs mostly, but I was willing to try anything for him. He had a couple of felonies, but it didn't phase me because he was so sweet to me. He gave me exactly what I wanted and needed and I gave him back what he needed: a lonely girl who would love him in spite of everything. Who would see how wounded he was and be brave and strong enough to love him in spite of his past.
The only trouble was his past wasn't his past; it was still his present.
Everything was ok as long as we could have good times together; I was equally responsible for the relationship, so I don't blame him, but what I accepted was beneath me. And I think the life he accepted for himself was beneath him, too. I was an active alcoholic, so again, I take full responsibility for my past, but here are the things I accepted as normal:
his drug use, his jail time, visiting him in jail, lying to my parents about his past, keeping lots of secrets, eventually his trying to sleep with my friends and stealing from me and my friends. I won't go on and on, but I didn't have the strength to end it until he stole from my sister. And lied to me about it, although I had undeniable proof. Eventually my life was being threatened by one of his "girlfriends" and I had to go full no contact.
Active drug users lie. I lied when I was an active alcoholic, although I would have sworn to you I was a truthful, honest person. I don't know what's going on with your boyfriend, and I understand the desire to stand by him, but maybe try to step outside of your situation for a minute and see what everyone is saying.
All I can say now is that after my experience in dating addicts and alcoholics and being through the runner with my own alcoholism and now being in recovery, the biggest ESH I can offer is this:
Patience and honesty are the foundation of a good relationship, whether romantic or platonic. I'm not perfect, but I know to look for those vital signs. Do what you will, but maybe think of what you truly want out of a relationship. You sound like a sweet, lovely young woman and you deserve a good man, but more important than that, you deserve to be true to yourself first. No man is worth betraying yourself over.
Best wishes to you.
I don't usually post much, but your story grabbed me. I can see myself in your story. I'm a recovering alcoholic (a little over 2 years sober), and all of my "romantic" relationships have been with alcoholics and addicts.
My first love was a drug addict. He got me to try drugs, too. I stayed away from drugs mostly, but I was willing to try anything for him. He had a couple of felonies, but it didn't phase me because he was so sweet to me. He gave me exactly what I wanted and needed and I gave him back what he needed: a lonely girl who would love him in spite of everything. Who would see how wounded he was and be brave and strong enough to love him in spite of his past.
The only trouble was his past wasn't his past; it was still his present.
Everything was ok as long as we could have good times together; I was equally responsible for the relationship, so I don't blame him, but what I accepted was beneath me. And I think the life he accepted for himself was beneath him, too. I was an active alcoholic, so again, I take full responsibility for my past, but here are the things I accepted as normal:
his drug use, his jail time, visiting him in jail, lying to my parents about his past, keeping lots of secrets, eventually his trying to sleep with my friends and stealing from me and my friends. I won't go on and on, but I didn't have the strength to end it until he stole from my sister. And lied to me about it, although I had undeniable proof. Eventually my life was being threatened by one of his "girlfriends" and I had to go full no contact.
Active drug users lie. I lied when I was an active alcoholic, although I would have sworn to you I was a truthful, honest person. I don't know what's going on with your boyfriend, and I understand the desire to stand by him, but maybe try to step outside of your situation for a minute and see what everyone is saying.
All I can say now is that after my experience in dating addicts and alcoholics and being through the runner with my own alcoholism and now being in recovery, the biggest ESH I can offer is this:
Patience and honesty are the foundation of a good relationship, whether romantic or platonic. I'm not perfect, but I know to look for those vital signs. Do what you will, but maybe think of what you truly want out of a relationship. You sound like a sweet, lovely young woman and you deserve a good man, but more important than that, you deserve to be true to yourself first. No man is worth betraying yourself over.
Best wishes to you.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
I, too, am very curious as to how he "recovered" from what sounds like a heavy drug addiction...into the life he has with you now...a house and a good job, etc. That's not an easy jump to make and usually takes much longer than 3 years to get from that Point A to Point B.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Okay people. Slow down. As in _stop_.
Do not repeat what has already been said. Do not insult the original poster. If you have personal experience and you can share it without getting emotional then do so. If all you have is advice then go somewhere else.
Before you post turn your computer off. Go walk around the block. Get some air. Call your sponsor. Come back tomorrow when the emotions have cooled off.
If you need help with cooling off the emotions before you post just let me know and I will lock the thread.
Mike
Moderator, SR
Do not repeat what has already been said. Do not insult the original poster. If you have personal experience and you can share it without getting emotional then do so. If all you have is advice then go somewhere else.
Before you post turn your computer off. Go walk around the block. Get some air. Call your sponsor. Come back tomorrow when the emotions have cooled off.
If you need help with cooling off the emotions before you post just let me know and I will lock the thread.
Mike
Moderator, SR
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
A pretty active thread----it's easy to see the incendiary element,introduced
early on.The poor girl who ended up tied up and dead.
I think it was established early and vehemently that this was someones daughter,
perhaps someone's sister,maybe even someone's Mom.
Someone who perhaps was in the throes of addiction,but who is definitely out of the
game of life in a very final way.No rehabs,no 12 steps,no second chances.
We all wish the very,very best for Pink Champaign.A wonderful future,happiness,
Fun,kids,laughter......everything that that other unfortunate lady will never know again.
Don't we all agree that HER dignity is worth marking...her life worth remembering?
We are SO past any derogatory reference to her life.
All of us touched by addiction owe her respect and dignity in remembrance of the
battle for her very life.A battle that she so tragically lost.
early on.The poor girl who ended up tied up and dead.
I think it was established early and vehemently that this was someones daughter,
perhaps someone's sister,maybe even someone's Mom.
Someone who perhaps was in the throes of addiction,but who is definitely out of the
game of life in a very final way.No rehabs,no 12 steps,no second chances.
We all wish the very,very best for Pink Champaign.A wonderful future,happiness,
Fun,kids,laughter......everything that that other unfortunate lady will never know again.
Don't we all agree that HER dignity is worth marking...her life worth remembering?
We are SO past any derogatory reference to her life.
All of us touched by addiction owe her respect and dignity in remembrance of the
battle for her very life.A battle that she so tragically lost.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 159
Pink sweetie I never said you were stupid or that his family thought you were stupid. I don't think you are stupid at all just scared and feeling very raw. I think you love your bf and have gut feelings that something is amiss. I'm certainly not attacking you. I am on YOUR side you just may not see that now.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
im not even sure what i said that made you think i was picking on you either.
i have shared with you the story of what just happened with my bf which i broke up with yday. someone who didn't want me to meet his friends, who didn't want me to tell my kids that he took drugs still, a guy who didn't want ANYONE to know he still took drugs. i realised i too didn't want to tell anyone those things either for i too was embarrassed for people to think i too was stupid and not wanting to see the truth.
i do wonder why you keep coming back to someplace where you are looking for advise and insight into a world that you don't know when you are ignoring everyone who is trying to help you.
i too had no idea either as i am not at all into drugs or alcohol so my bfs past was very new to me, and he even laughed at me when i told him that i was happy living in my drug sheltered life last night saying that he had never met anyone who didnt want to live. he twisted words, he called me names, told me i was controlling and didn't love him. i was apparently manipulating him, and that every time i tried to tell him i was just trying to do what i thought best for me and my kids, i got another dose of guilt. EVERYTHING WAS ABOUT HIM! even my children being upset over his drug use he turned into how they must think he was terrible and poor him. he was such a victim.
is ANY of this sounding familiar to you?
I'm not sure how you think i was calling you stupid, when i have been going through very similar circumstances (minus the murder investigation) emotionally that you have. i may not have liked what people here told me (which was funnily enough the same as they are telling you) but i am glad i listened for i don't want to think about where my life was heading.
i wish you luck but if you don't wish to listen to anything anyone has to say why are you keeping up posting. or are you hoping we just tell you that he is an awesome guy and that he has nothing to do with any of this and you should stand by him for that is your duty as his gf and you are doing everything right? if so...there you go. you are doing everything right and he is an awesome guy.
i wish you luck and hope it all works out and that we don't find you on here in a few years time addicted to drugs or alcohol wondering how your wonderful life became so abusive and addictive.
as a mother myself i hope you can do what is best for yourself. good luck.
i have shared with you the story of what just happened with my bf which i broke up with yday. someone who didn't want me to meet his friends, who didn't want me to tell my kids that he took drugs still, a guy who didn't want ANYONE to know he still took drugs. i realised i too didn't want to tell anyone those things either for i too was embarrassed for people to think i too was stupid and not wanting to see the truth.
i do wonder why you keep coming back to someplace where you are looking for advise and insight into a world that you don't know when you are ignoring everyone who is trying to help you.
i too had no idea either as i am not at all into drugs or alcohol so my bfs past was very new to me, and he even laughed at me when i told him that i was happy living in my drug sheltered life last night saying that he had never met anyone who didnt want to live. he twisted words, he called me names, told me i was controlling and didn't love him. i was apparently manipulating him, and that every time i tried to tell him i was just trying to do what i thought best for me and my kids, i got another dose of guilt. EVERYTHING WAS ABOUT HIM! even my children being upset over his drug use he turned into how they must think he was terrible and poor him. he was such a victim.
is ANY of this sounding familiar to you?
I'm not sure how you think i was calling you stupid, when i have been going through very similar circumstances (minus the murder investigation) emotionally that you have. i may not have liked what people here told me (which was funnily enough the same as they are telling you) but i am glad i listened for i don't want to think about where my life was heading.
i wish you luck but if you don't wish to listen to anything anyone has to say why are you keeping up posting. or are you hoping we just tell you that he is an awesome guy and that he has nothing to do with any of this and you should stand by him for that is your duty as his gf and you are doing everything right? if so...there you go. you are doing everything right and he is an awesome guy.
i wish you luck and hope it all works out and that we don't find you on here in a few years time addicted to drugs or alcohol wondering how your wonderful life became so abusive and addictive.
as a mother myself i hope you can do what is best for yourself. good luck.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 82
Everything has been good yesterday and today. I thought I would come and tell you but reading the comments I don’t know.
Thanks Zoenob for what you said. Jody I have listened to a lot of the advice here. I used the website information to look up the arrest and stuff of my boyfriend and I found out about the restraining order that way. Ive been reading a lot here and I get you all think my boyfriend is bad, and I should break up with him. Have you broken up with your boyfriend Jody? You said you were fighting with him last night I guess not. What advice have you taken?
Im trying to pay more attention to the way my boyfriend treats me , and talks to me. Im looking for signs he is lying or trying to manipulate me . We had a really intense talk yesterday and I felt like he was being honest with me. I think he lied about something, but he said that I misunderstood what he told me a while back. It is possible but I know that could be a trick. I feel very confused about what I thought I knew for sure about him until all this started. I read a lot about people who used to use drugs and then they stop and start again. You guys think he is still using and I don’t know it. How can I tell ? Can I make him take drug tests? I think he wouldn’t do it because it would be a matter of trust between us. Some of you on here used to use drugs and quit. Some of you probably haven’t quit but you are saying you have. I read where when you use drugs you stop maturing at the age you started them, The woman that told me she used to use crack and have azzed up sex with her boyfriend said she only stopped like 5 years ago and that is not much more than my boyfriend . She made comments she thought was funny about our being taken out for happy meals, so I guess she has not matured much since when she stopped, or maybe she is still using. I cant pay any attention to people that are in the same situation as my boyfriend if you guys tell me that I cant trust him because of his past use. I don’t want to think about all the dark stuff in my boyfriends past anymore.
I talked to him about telling my parents everything and he isn’t trying to stop me but he wants to be there and be able to show them all the stuff from the attorney so they will understand he had nothing to do with it.
Thanks Zoenob for what you said. Jody I have listened to a lot of the advice here. I used the website information to look up the arrest and stuff of my boyfriend and I found out about the restraining order that way. Ive been reading a lot here and I get you all think my boyfriend is bad, and I should break up with him. Have you broken up with your boyfriend Jody? You said you were fighting with him last night I guess not. What advice have you taken?
Im trying to pay more attention to the way my boyfriend treats me , and talks to me. Im looking for signs he is lying or trying to manipulate me . We had a really intense talk yesterday and I felt like he was being honest with me. I think he lied about something, but he said that I misunderstood what he told me a while back. It is possible but I know that could be a trick. I feel very confused about what I thought I knew for sure about him until all this started. I read a lot about people who used to use drugs and then they stop and start again. You guys think he is still using and I don’t know it. How can I tell ? Can I make him take drug tests? I think he wouldn’t do it because it would be a matter of trust between us. Some of you on here used to use drugs and quit. Some of you probably haven’t quit but you are saying you have. I read where when you use drugs you stop maturing at the age you started them, The woman that told me she used to use crack and have azzed up sex with her boyfriend said she only stopped like 5 years ago and that is not much more than my boyfriend . She made comments she thought was funny about our being taken out for happy meals, so I guess she has not matured much since when she stopped, or maybe she is still using. I cant pay any attention to people that are in the same situation as my boyfriend if you guys tell me that I cant trust him because of his past use. I don’t want to think about all the dark stuff in my boyfriends past anymore.
I talked to him about telling my parents everything and he isn’t trying to stop me but he wants to be there and be able to show them all the stuff from the attorney so they will understand he had nothing to do with it.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((pinkchampagne))
thanks for checking in - I was concerned about you -
There are many slogans in our program of recovery - one is "More will be revealed"
As you walk thru the next few weeks, I believe more will be revealed to you as what is the path for you in this relationship . . .
The message of SR is of love, support, understanding & compassion ~ we share our experience, strength and hope ~
It is your decision, your life, your relationship ~ either way - good or bad, I hope you continue to stay a part of our SR family
If it turns out great - this can be a great place to help anyone deal with everyday relationship issues, growth and general improving your people skills. . .
If it turns out badly - this will not be a place filled with people to say "i told you so" ~ it will be a place filled with cyber hugs, warm welcomes and lots of support to help you thru the tough days ahead ~
Either way ~ love, support, kindness and friendship is the goal of our SR family
praying for your HP's very best for you & yours
PINK HUGS,
Rita
thanks for checking in - I was concerned about you -
There are many slogans in our program of recovery - one is "More will be revealed"
As you walk thru the next few weeks, I believe more will be revealed to you as what is the path for you in this relationship . . .
The message of SR is of love, support, understanding & compassion ~ we share our experience, strength and hope ~
It is your decision, your life, your relationship ~ either way - good or bad, I hope you continue to stay a part of our SR family
If it turns out great - this can be a great place to help anyone deal with everyday relationship issues, growth and general improving your people skills. . .
If it turns out badly - this will not be a place filled with people to say "i told you so" ~ it will be a place filled with cyber hugs, warm welcomes and lots of support to help you thru the tough days ahead ~
Either way ~ love, support, kindness and friendship is the goal of our SR family
praying for your HP's very best for you & yours
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
When my SR friends helped me pull away from a decidedly
non-optimum life choice.....I NEVER felt anyone laughing at
me or saying "I told you so".All I sensed was wisdom----as in
"We have been down the codependent path that you are still
new to.....this is what lies at the end of the path if you choose
to stay this course."
Advice.Good will.Experience.Nothing more.Nothing less.
I thank them all for their patient counsel.Patient navigators
saying "you are the Captain of your own ship (life)...but there are
rocks ahead....rocks with shipwrecks and skeletons....
...be wise....steer clear"
non-optimum life choice.....I NEVER felt anyone laughing at
me or saying "I told you so".All I sensed was wisdom----as in
"We have been down the codependent path that you are still
new to.....this is what lies at the end of the path if you choose
to stay this course."
Advice.Good will.Experience.Nothing more.Nothing less.
I thank them all for their patient counsel.Patient navigators
saying "you are the Captain of your own ship (life)...but there are
rocks ahead....rocks with shipwrecks and skeletons....
...be wise....steer clear"
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
The lady you are talking about has spent 5+ years working her own recovery, how long has he been working his?
Yep, she makes me angry sometimes too....only because she is speaking the truth. The truth I don't want to acknowledge.
Yep, she makes me angry sometimes too....only because she is speaking the truth. The truth I don't want to acknowledge.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by Windmills
Sorry, once you start using the ES&H of members, which they shared to try to HELP YOU, against them.. I'm out too. Good luck.
Best of luck!!
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((((pinkchampagne)))))
I shared the following on another thread this morning, but it pertains to this discussion also, as to what happens to an A from when they start and then if and when they find recovery:
Based on what you have shared here, this man only has about a year, if that of abstaining from his DOC (drug of choice). You have not mentioned if he is working any kind of recovery program at all. Abstaining by itself is NOT recovery.
Recovery requires a lot of INSIDE, INTENSE WORK on ONES SELF. The drugs and/or alcohol are but a symptom of what is really going on with the A. To find peace and serenity in this life without drugs and/or alcohol I and most A's that I know have had to do a lot of inner work on themselves.
Why? Because when we do find recovery, we have NO CLUE as to what type of person we are, who we are, what we want to be, etc And as I shared above, it took me a good 5 years to finally start to feel sometimes like I actually was an adult and I was 41 years old at the time.
I share this, not to 'tell' you what to do, but just to give you a wee bit more insight into what a MESS this addiction business really is. It really 'messes' with a persons brain and I mean that literally. I have my own brain scans from over the years to prove it. I have built new 'pathways' in my brain where normally they would not see pathways, and in my brain where folks who have never used drugs and/or alcohol have pathways, my brain has none, they are fried. Have you ever seen the 'public service announcement' that used to be shown:
here is your brain, and they show an egg in a pan with the yolk in tact, like it is about to be fried.
then they say
here is your brain on cocaine and they smash the yolk and splatter the egg all over the pan. It is a very good 'visual' of what happens to an addicts brain.
It is good that you are asking questions and starting to research a bit more to really find out all about addiction! And YES the more information you get, the more confused you will become for a short period or maybe longer, depending on how fast you process all the new information you are obtaining. At some point, you will have enough info that you will be able to make a decision for YOU on what YOU want, out of life, in another person, etc
In the meantime, keep asking, keep reading, maybe try some Alanon or Naranon meetings for you, and/or find a therapist, preferably one who specializes in addictions, and have some sessions with said therapist, again for YOU.
Stay safe.
Love and hugs,
I shared the following on another thread this morning, but it pertains to this discussion also, as to what happens to an A from when they start and then if and when they find recovery:
I was 12 1/2 years old. This was 1957. I was physically VERY mature. None of my classmates, let alone high school girls had matured that well yet (34DD) if you get my drift. My mother, in her 'wisdom' (?) decided that I should and could experiment at home and learn how to control and enjoy my drinking, so that some guy couldn't take me out, get me drunk and do what he wanted (no fear of drugs back then, especially in our 'upper class' neighborhood).
Little did she know. I can tell this, that I did learn at least for a while how to control and/or enjoy but NEVER at the same time, roflmao. I also learned very quickly that the alcohol made me feel like 'I fit in.' I was no longer an 'alien.' It was only years later in recovery that I discovered that I was 'self medicating' a Bi Polar disorder that has been with me my whole life. I also learned that YES, I did walk to a different drummer, always had and probably always would. The difference, for me, in recovery, was/is that it did not matter any more.
When I did find recovery at 3 weeks shy of my 36th birthday, I may have been 36 chronologically, however, mentally and emotionally I was like that 12 1/2 year old young girl with all the teenage emotions. Sheesh it was so hard.
Even though I was 'doing it', ie working, paying my bills, keeping my house clean, grocery shopping all the 'stuff' that adults do, I was just 'going through the motions.' It took until I was about 5 years or so into recovery that I actually started to 'feel' like I was an adult doing adult things. It was not a real pretty time in my sobriety. A lot of 'sensory' overload, a lot of 'hurdles' to overcome, including being married to another sober alcoholic.
He was not growing at all in his recovery and I sometimes felt like I was going backwards, with all the emotions. He chose to change his DOC and came up with a gambling addiction, which is actually what got me into Alanon.
This is why many times on here I have said that I believe that Alanon 'helped' me more than AA did. It was Alanon that helped me to get from that 12 1/2 year old young preteen girl to an adult woman in all facets of my life.
Little did she know. I can tell this, that I did learn at least for a while how to control and/or enjoy but NEVER at the same time, roflmao. I also learned very quickly that the alcohol made me feel like 'I fit in.' I was no longer an 'alien.' It was only years later in recovery that I discovered that I was 'self medicating' a Bi Polar disorder that has been with me my whole life. I also learned that YES, I did walk to a different drummer, always had and probably always would. The difference, for me, in recovery, was/is that it did not matter any more.
When I did find recovery at 3 weeks shy of my 36th birthday, I may have been 36 chronologically, however, mentally and emotionally I was like that 12 1/2 year old young girl with all the teenage emotions. Sheesh it was so hard.
Even though I was 'doing it', ie working, paying my bills, keeping my house clean, grocery shopping all the 'stuff' that adults do, I was just 'going through the motions.' It took until I was about 5 years or so into recovery that I actually started to 'feel' like I was an adult doing adult things. It was not a real pretty time in my sobriety. A lot of 'sensory' overload, a lot of 'hurdles' to overcome, including being married to another sober alcoholic.
He was not growing at all in his recovery and I sometimes felt like I was going backwards, with all the emotions. He chose to change his DOC and came up with a gambling addiction, which is actually what got me into Alanon.
This is why many times on here I have said that I believe that Alanon 'helped' me more than AA did. It was Alanon that helped me to get from that 12 1/2 year old young preteen girl to an adult woman in all facets of my life.
Recovery requires a lot of INSIDE, INTENSE WORK on ONES SELF. The drugs and/or alcohol are but a symptom of what is really going on with the A. To find peace and serenity in this life without drugs and/or alcohol I and most A's that I know have had to do a lot of inner work on themselves.
Why? Because when we do find recovery, we have NO CLUE as to what type of person we are, who we are, what we want to be, etc And as I shared above, it took me a good 5 years to finally start to feel sometimes like I actually was an adult and I was 41 years old at the time.
I share this, not to 'tell' you what to do, but just to give you a wee bit more insight into what a MESS this addiction business really is. It really 'messes' with a persons brain and I mean that literally. I have my own brain scans from over the years to prove it. I have built new 'pathways' in my brain where normally they would not see pathways, and in my brain where folks who have never used drugs and/or alcohol have pathways, my brain has none, they are fried. Have you ever seen the 'public service announcement' that used to be shown:
here is your brain, and they show an egg in a pan with the yolk in tact, like it is about to be fried.
then they say
here is your brain on cocaine and they smash the yolk and splatter the egg all over the pan. It is a very good 'visual' of what happens to an addicts brain.
It is good that you are asking questions and starting to research a bit more to really find out all about addiction! And YES the more information you get, the more confused you will become for a short period or maybe longer, depending on how fast you process all the new information you are obtaining. At some point, you will have enough info that you will be able to make a decision for YOU on what YOU want, out of life, in another person, etc
In the meantime, keep asking, keep reading, maybe try some Alanon or Naranon meetings for you, and/or find a therapist, preferably one who specializes in addictions, and have some sessions with said therapist, again for YOU.
Stay safe.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
pink you replied to my post without even reading it...the first sentence of second paragraph i wrote
"i have shared with you the story of what just happened with my bf which i broke up with yday"
because of the information i gained in here i got out. i may not like what they said, because it was what i didn't want to know, for the decision was one i didn't want to make. but the facts speak for themselves.
since i feel like I'm beating my head against a brick wall, and when i share personal information to try and help you for a lot of what you are going through now, i just did, and can't even be thankful, I'm out of here before i say something that is not called for.
"i have shared with you the story of what just happened with my bf which i broke up with yday"
because of the information i gained in here i got out. i may not like what they said, because it was what i didn't want to know, for the decision was one i didn't want to make. but the facts speak for themselves.
since i feel like I'm beating my head against a brick wall, and when i share personal information to try and help you for a lot of what you are going through now, i just did, and can't even be thankful, I'm out of here before i say something that is not called for.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 326
Originally Posted by pinkchampagne
I tried to ask him last night but he got really angry. Said I was snooping around and didn’t trust him and he had a really bad day and he needed my support not a bunch of accusations.
This is emotional abuse. This is what you are more and more likely to be subjected to as the initial period of limerance (look it up) fades.
He could have just as easily have answered your questions: "Oh yeah, that. I'm sorry I never told you. I was embarassed, and I should have but the time never seemed right and I was afraid you would leave me..."
Of the two approaches, his DEFAULT strategy was to attack you. This was the instinctual reaction.
Think about that. You saw the real, non-limerance him: the one you'll be living with most of your life if you stay with him. The one who will raise your children. Think about that.
Originally Posted by pinkchampagne
Once she called the cops and told them he hit her ( but he says he didn’t and there were no charges listed for anything like that) and anyway she got the order and later dropped it. They broke up and that was it.
Then a judge has to decide. Everyone who gets one against them will swear up and down that judges pass them out for the asking and the other person lied. They've done many studies on this, applications vs issued ROs, and that's just not true.
Getting a restraining order is not a small thing. Think about what it's doing: it is depriving a person without a trial and the ability to defend themselves access to their own property and limiting their freedom of association. These are Constitutional issues. They are not suspended easily. At the time the issuing of the RO, the judge decides a bunch of issues: who has possession of the residence (if it's his, she has to leave), support, child custody and visitation, etc... And at that time a hearing date is set to determine whether the temporary RO should be extended or made permanent. He will be subpoenaed to appear, and this is like a trial: he presents evidence, with a atty if he wants; she presents evidence, and the RO is either continued or dismissed.
Almost 70% of all people who get a RO the day after a fight don't bother to go to this hearing. They have kissed and made up and if the petitioner doesn't show up, the RO is dismissed.
Since the girlfriend (and you do know she was his girlfriend he was cheating on, not just a poor waif he picked up off the street out of the goodness of his heart in his attempt to rehabilitate her, right?), was dependent upon him for her housing, support and drugs, it's not so surprising, she didn't pursue it. She would have been homeless. It doesn't mean he didn't hit her, it means she weighed her options and rethought it.
Chances are very good he hit her, but not hard enough to leave bruises and blood which would have gotten him arrested. If you hit one woman, you'll hit another. Men who hit drug addicted women will hit non-drug addicted women. No one deserves to be hit. You may think she bears some fault for what he did to her because she was very addicted, but addiction doesn't entitle others to hit you.
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