pinkchampagne

CynicalOne, I looked up on the computer the things you told me about. I had trouble because it has to be done by county but I used where his parents live, and where the city was at he used to live when he used the drugs and was involved with tht girl. There was a charge on there that was criminal drug charges and it was almost four years ago. I think this must be what he told me about where he was arrested but his parents got him an attorney to help him and in the end the charges were dropped. It did say dismissed or something like that on the computer.

But there was also a restraining order on there that was for a little later date and had a womans name. It said dismissed also and I knew nothing about that. I tried to ask him last night but he got really angry. Said I was snooping around and didn’t trust him and he had a really bad day and he needed my support not a bunch of accusations. I told him I wasn’t going to stay in there and sleep with him (we are in his parents pool house) and I went outside in a lounge chair.

But he finally came out and tried to talk to me and said it was a woman he used to date when he used drugs. That they had a bad relationship because she used drugs too, and they had some bad fights. Once she called the cops and told them he hit her ( but he says he didn’t and there were no charges listed for anything like that) and anyway she got the order and later dropped it. They broke up and that was it. He talked me into going back inside with him but I couldn’t sleep much and ive really thought about going home like you guys say.

Im sick about some of the stuff I learned about that girl and what happened to her. I will tell you but if anyone is squeamish then don’t read anymore.

All this happned back when he was using cocaine. She was living with him in an apartment He said she had no where to go and he was trying to help clean her up because she was using heroin all the time. He decided to move, and he was seeing another woman and they were going to live together but I guess yes he was still having sex with this girl sometimes. This girl caused trouble with that other woman and she broke it off with him. But he decided to move anyway and told her to get out and she was supposed to have gone to stay with another girl that was in same situation as her. He took out his stuff and turned to the keys into landlord and the landlord verified this to the cops. But the landlord said the girl came back and begged to stay a few days because she had no where to go and he ended up letting her stay for a week longer her says. So during that week, one of the neighbors saw the door ajar one morning and went in and found her naked on the bed, with her hands tied over her head. She was still barely alive and taken to the hospital but she died there.

The autopsy said she died from a drug overdose, but she was also wither raped or had been involved in some wild rough sex with drugs and it went bad. No one saw my boyfriend thereor anything like that. My boyfriends prints were found in the apartment because he just moved out. But his attorney had evidence to prove that he was not even in town when she died . He had receipts and phone records and people who would testify but there were still texts between them found on her phone and the police have that , there were other numbers and people she called and texted to. Its not like he was the only one she was involved with . I mean really she was using men and they were using her and it went round and round.

They questioned him a long time and asked him to come to the station to look at photos and get information on some of the people she knew and what she did all day. I don’t know everything he told them or if he told them everything but he had the attorney with him, and they say they aren’t interested in any drug charges but as of yesterday they would not tell him he was not a suspect . They asked him to come back today and they want a dna sample. They say he can do it voluntarily or they will get a warrant. He says he has nothing to hide and will do it if his attorney approves it.

I mean they think whoever had sex with her is the one they want to talk to and even then I don’t think this is murder if she overdosed But her arms were tied over her head so she either injected herself before or someone injected her. Its all really sickening ; and I thought they wanted like a semen sample for dna and I got so sick, but he says dna doesn’t have to be from that and he made fun of me . but he is really upset I can tell. His parents were not very nice to him last night telling him like you guys said this is all caused by the way he had his life f’d up for a long time.

And you guys keep telling me he is using now and Im too stupid to know it, and I keep thiking about that but don’t see any thing that tells me he is and we live together you know for 6months I think I would know. I cant eat anything and I just want to go home btu he begged me to stay and says this will be over soon and once this is past us then everything will be better for us. He said I could take the spare car today and he would map me on the gps how to get to some shopping and stuff so I wont be bored and sitting and worried. He is in the shower right now.

I feel so sad today just like giving up after I think about all this over and over. Someone said I don’t want to know the truth about him, but the police will arrest him if he has done anything wrong and I cant stop them, that will be the truth, And f they don’t then what he is telling me is the truth because they will be backing what he says up . I just wait I guess.

dollydo

You have only lived with him for 6 months, for that short of time it is easy to hide drug use from someone who is uneducated about drugs.

As for the rest, there is more to this story, I guess that you will have to wait and see.

suki44883

Pink, I have no clue if he is using now or not, but seriously, do you really need all of this in your life? You only have six months invested in this thing. This is a LOT of crap to be dealing with after only six months.

I know you don't want to hear these things, but honestly, we have no reason to lie to you. You deserve better than this. Even if this guy is completely innocent of this stuff with the dead girl, he still has a LOT of issues, at least from his past. I think you can do better, especially since addiction is so foreign to you. I hope you will think about whether or not this is really the relationship for you. Take care of yourself.

outtolunch

DNA will prove he was the last one with her, or not.

You cannot control the outcome so it makes no sense to worry about it.

LoveMeNow

Pink, I am sorry you are going through all this. I know it must be very scary. You found your "prince" and now you may be having some doubts.

Please keep in mind that many people are very different the first year. As Cynical ONE put it - the "pretend guy." I am sure many of us have the "pretend guy," its what keeps us sucked in. We keep wanting that guy back. If you stay with him, watch for the signs. In most cases, people just don't change into a jerk. They were always a jerk and just conning you/us in the beginning. Its very confusing because we still want THE man we fell in love with and keep hoping they change back to him. Sadly, they don't.

I have a question. If he had moved out, returned his key, why was there still a bed in there? I am wondering what his father found out yesterday that made him so angry. Its all so sad. Drugs are evil and they hurt (and even kill) so many.

cangel2

"I cant eat anything and I just want to go home......"

This is your gut / instinct speaking to you! In my experience the best thing you can do is to listen to it.

This is a very difficult situation and you have found yourself in the middle of something that you don't understand. Like walking into a movie in the middle and expecting to understand everything without the full background. I also feel that you are very vulnerable at the moment.

It would make sense to me if you were to go home and be able to think things through away from the drama. This doesn't mean you are abandoning your BF...you are just taking care of yourself.

Katiekate

Hi Pink, I am worried for you because it sounds like you don't have any support for yourself.

I think your idea of going home is a good one, it will all be revealed, there really is not reason for you to stick around, it sounds like a very uncomfortable situation.

Katie xo

cc88

he doesnt tell you the whole truth, then when confronted with more truth that you found on your own gets ANGRY with you? and you still think you're getting the whole story?

Also.. the cops are thinking that this was crazy drug sex gone bad... and your boyfriend has tried to get you to have crazy drug sex with him...
..just sayin..

and theyre willing to petition a judge for a warrant for dna of a kid with all kinds of proof that he wasnt around during that time? the proof you're referring to must not be so conclusive. I have my opinions on cops.. alot of them negative... but i will say this, they dont waste time chasing red herrings, and they are VERY good at knowing the truth from BS. If all there was to the story was what you're hearing, it would have taken 20 minutes to sign a statement and theyd have taken him home.

Even if he is completely innocent and was no where there, the fact that you dont want to tell your parents the truth about him should be red flag enough. If you came back and said "we were open with my parents and we're moving forward from here" I would have nothing to say about it. But as it stands now, if theres something to hide, there should be something to run from.

Chino

What do you think they'd say if they knew he used again, and with you, too? What do you think your parents would say?

Have you ever heard the expression "we're only as sick as our secrets"?

MsPINKAcres

((pinkchampagne))

you sound so frightened, unsure and upset by all this ~ I hate so much to see anyone go thru such pain ~

I'm not suggesting that you end your relationship, but is something that you could consider as to giving your BF some space to work out all that he has going on right now?

I believe, if this is truly his past, he would want to get everything resolved and cleaned up so that you and he can have a bright & free future together ~ allowing him the freedom and dignity to do that maybe a respectful and loving thing to do - for him and for yourself.

It would be a great gift of love for both of you ~

Then when it is all resolved and over ~ The past behind him ~ he could come to you with an ability to be honest and ready for a true healthy relationship ~

Maybe this is something both of you could consider . . .

Just throwing out a suggestion. . .

Wishing you the best

PINK HUGS,
Rita

LuvMySis

Pinkchampagne, it's good that you're trying to find out more about your boyfriend's past and asking for advice. Here's another couple of things to think about. If you googled your boyfriend's name and find out about the drugs and restraining order, so can your parents, friends, etc. They will find it, too. Not only that, potential future employers will google his name and find the information you found. So, even if your boyfriend isn't charged with any crimes related to the death of his former girlfriend at this point, the derogatory information is out there on the internet forever. It's likely he wouldn't be eligible for a job requiring a security clearance. Also, depending on whether or not your boyfriend is connected to the death of the girl, it's possible that her family could file a civil lawsuit against him for wrongful death. I'm not a lawyer, but I've heard of such a thing happening. As you can see, these events have the potential to affect your future with him. It's important for you to learn all you can and be aware before making any more commitments. I really like MsPink's advice.

lightseeker

although our situations are different in many ways they are also similar. My now ex husband had a whole lot of secrets - and then 1/2 truths that he had told me. He told me he was sober and I allowed him to move in with me. Turns out he used right up until he moved in. A lot of his secrets came out 4 months after that and I was devastated. At that point though I chose to look at how things were "right then" and not focus on the lies and 1/2 truths he had told me in order for our relationship to go forward. I stayed and tried hard to work it out.

Fast forward 7 years - I let him a year ago because things just never turned into the promises and dreams that I believed were going to occur. He became verbally and emotionally abusive with me - interspersed with pleas for forgiveness and promises to change. In fact, he always used to say "don't leave before the miracle happens". (which is an AA saying).

I had gut feelings too and I ignored them. I so wish that I had listened to what I knew but that just wasn't the path that I took. The path that I took almost destroyed me though and I feel fortunate to have gotten out of that situation. It has changed me though. I'm not saying what you need to do or not do because we each have to take our own journey. I do commend you though on being willing to take a look at things, investigate, and consider other's opinions. I know how strong the allure of a man that you are attracted to and want to believe is though. I was torn too. I stayed the course and all I ever did was wait for sustained "good". Oh, there were moments and for a long time it was "us" against the world. Then it became him against me. I was warned by everyone but I had to try it myself.

I kept a lot of his secrets from my family and that should have told me everything. I wish that I had at least followed from a difference instead of a front row seat. This forum has been a life saver for me and I appreciate how I was able to come here and begin to figure things out for myself. It took me a long time because I really believed that we were different.

My ex husband used "cocaine" as well. Only the cocaine was really crack. He loved the wild azz sex too and ended up in so many sordid situations. He also had an underlying sex addiction that I wasn't even aware of until I was well into a relationship with him. I guess I tried to make it work to legitimize my choices in the first place.

Your gut seems to be telling you something....I know this sounds crazy but have you asked your gut to elaborate and let you know more of it's concerns and suggestions? Promise - that works.

Gentle hugs.

pinkchampagne

I get what you are saying that I deserve none of this. But if he has changed his life and this is really only a one time thing then how can I be mad at him about it. I don’t like the way he lived for a while but he must have changed a lot because that person is not the one that I know now. I mean he has his own house now and a good job. He is like I said before the sweetest guy and we never fight. And its not because I always give into him and he gets what he wants. He is always doing things for me and asking me what I want or how I feel.

LoveMeNot, I don’t think he has changed in the year Ive known him or the 6 months we have lived together. Things have been really good until we found out about this police stuff and that has caused some problems. Im still upset he didn’t tell me about the restraining order but it was dropped I guess.

I looked up that girl using that search I was told about and she had a lot of stuff listed on there. Drug charges, larceny which is stealing isn’t it. And it said that she had paid fines and had been sentenced to jail time and there was one charge of destruction of property or something too and the plantiff of part of those must have been relatives because they had the same last name but that doesn’t make sense to me because why would they file charges against her. But it has to be a relative . Anyway she had a lot of things in the county I looked under. Im going to see if I can find her parents names in any of the papers he brought home fro mthe atrtorney and see if it was her parents that called the cops on her. Why would they want her in jail that seems really mean and now they are convined I guess she was raped and didn’t voluntarily get involved in whatever went on. Very sad.

Love me Not, his old apartment wasn’t very nice I don’t think but I never saw it. Im going to ask him to at least show me where it was because Id like to see the building. But I guess it came with some furnished with a lot of stuff. I thought is was sick to use someone elses bed but I guess you do it in hotels except I have a feeling hotels are a lot cleaner than that place must have been but Im guessing. It sounds awful doesn’t it. Must have been the drugs that caused him to live that way plus I think his parents wouldn’t help him when he got himself in trouble and so he didn’t have much money for a while.

If I leave him now then I will feel like I am abandoning him. He said that if youlvoe someone you don’t walk away when they are facing one of the worst times of their life. He said that if I left then I didn’t believe in him and that we couldn’t have a future toghether if I didn’t. He said if I thought he did that to the girl and left her there knowing she was dying all tied up then he didn’t want to be with me anyway. He said he understands im scared but we have to stick together and I cant turn on him. He promises this will all go away and they will officially clear him and it will be done.

But now after hearing him and his dad talking about what the attorney said Im not sure he is going to give a dna sample voluntarily . Ther is something about waiting to see if they could even get a warrant because they don’t have enough evididence since he has proof he wasn’t close by. The attorney will make the decision I think.

he is with his parents right now and I walked nback here to give them some privacy and no Im not wearing my bikini today so haterz please don’t insult me for that again.

cc88

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sweetheart25

I say get out now before its too late, while the relationship is still quite new it would be the best thing for you to walk away and so much easier to move on with your life, youre only young, do you really need all this crap in your life? You dont want to be like me and look at the last 5 years and wonder why the hell Ive stayed but at the same time Im too in love/involved to get out! I know its easier said than done but you shouldnt be having to deal with stuff like this when the relationship is only 6 months old

LoveMeNow

I met the sweetest, nicest man I had ever known. He was incredibly thoughtful and I was madly in love. The chemistry was unbelievable and we never fought.

He had a beautiful home, lots of friends and wonderful family. There were some red flags, inconsistent comments about his past. He told 1/2 truths here and there and I ignored all of them.

Little over a year, my prince was gone. He was just a real selfish jerk. I asked him one day, what happened to the romantic, loving man I met. He looked right at me and said "really? how long did you think I could keep that act up for? Woman are so gullible." What???

I was young, strong and confident - got my stuff, walked out the door and never looked back. Never took one phone call or evened listened to a message. Heard his voice, hit delete.

I learned a lot that day. One thing I know for sure, a half truth is a whole lie. People's true colors will show up eventually....and it's our choice what we want to do at time.

Addiction is whole different demon. And now I am in another one of life lessons...facing several choices. Today, I choose to get emotionally, spiritually and mentally healthy. I now know happiness comes from within and not from some one else. Things I had wished I had learned a lot younger.

sweetheart25

LoveMeNot - you are very wise! x

LoveMeNow

Be careful there is a lot "HE SAID" in your brain. Been there too, its a dangerous place to be. What do YOU say? Your honest thoughts and feelings in your brain, not your heart!

I am puzzled why he brought you along. Kind of sounds like he said "hey let's
take a vacation, visit my family - oh and by the way, I have a little legal thing to work out. It's nothing serious, just some ex drug addict girlfriend I used to know and tried to help while I was still using drugs, happened to die in my bed, my apartment. No biggie, I have a lawyer and me and my dad will have it straightened out in no time."

You don't have to answer this to me or on here, but please answer it to yourself honestly with no excuses, no rationalizations, no justifications....was he calling her a "crack ho?" If so, please KNOW you are with a cold hearted, selfish man who doesn't repect human life much less woman.

LoveMeNow

Thank you but knowing this and doing this takes a lot of work. Its a process that will take a life time. I have a lot of new learning to achieve.

Life and all it's experiences, have somewhat jaded the young, strong, confident girl I once was.

LoveMeNow

Who is now not so willing to give them his DNA. Doesn't matter, they will get it anyway! I hope he was careful what he drank out of yesterday. I am fairly certain there are several ways to get his DNA, willing or not!