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I'm struggling...

Old 04-10-2012, 12:43 AM
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Unhappy I'm struggling...

I must be dealing with a lot of grief over our relationship ending and I am not dealing with it very well. I do know my exA is not someone I want in my life, nor the man I want to marry some day, but I miss him very much...I miss the good things about him. I have been doing all kinds of things to keep myself focused on the reasons I left him to begin with ie-reading my old posts, journaling, listening to old voice mails that aren't too nice, playing the tape all the way through etc etc. but I have this pit in my stomach and have been crying all day thinking about him and missing him.

I know this too shall pass, but I told my therapist about this forum and she said it sounded very positive, and if I get too down about missing him, to not be afraid to post. So here I am, posting away lol.

I know I am stronger then this, I almost feel ashamed that I can't let the thoughts of him and I together go. I know that I deserve better.

A friend told me she saw him on a few dating sites, and I think that really triggered all of this. I can't believe he has already moved on. Even though I know deep down inside, he is not capable of real love, he is just seeking out a new "victim" but it still hurts. I just wish my mind would STOP thinking about him...
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Old 04-10-2012, 01:03 AM
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Hi Skye,

oh...the crazy making continues eh? the fact that he's on a dating site sure looks like hard core evidence (from here) that you are doing the absolute best thing by getting out.

sorry about your state of mind, it's grief and there just isn't any way around it except through it. I found it helpful to really remind myself to be gentle and loving with myself. there is a lot of shame around having loved someone who "isn't good for us" but often they were our primary relationship and when they're gone they leave behind a lot of space that feels lonely...of course in that lonely space all of the good memories rush to fill in.

just keep trusting that you will feel better with time. for me life has filled in rather quickly, and with powerful creative things. trust that. when we are doing what is good for us then the universe responds...it really does, when we start having the smallest amount of courage and strength to care for ourselves then our spirit attracts good people/things/activities. in the beginning it may not feel very exciting, because even in the thick of danger there is at least more adrenaline and endorphins flowing than in the quiet space of first flight solo...

it keeps getting better...
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Old 04-10-2012, 01:25 AM
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Thank you leslie

I really liked what you had to say here-- "in the beginning it may not feel very exciting, because even in the thick of danger there is at least more adrenaline and endorphins flowing than in the quiet space of first flight solo..."

I think that is a lot of it...all of the drama is gone, therefore we need to start focusing on other things, and sometimes doing the hard work feels uncomfortable, I know it does for me.
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Old 04-10-2012, 02:31 AM
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It's ok to grieve. You're trying to let go of all your hopes and dreams that were tied to your ABF. Its painful and heartwrenching, we understand. Of course you're going to be sad. It's ok to not be ok sometimes. Last night I wrote a list of all the bad things my ex is, and next to it a list of all the things I like about him. The bad list was at least three times the length of the good, and when I looked at it like that, I realised that the good things he can offer are not a reasonable trade in for the bad. I also find that when I get sad over 'good times' we shared, it helps to think of a bad memory. I envision it like tying a bad memory balloon to the nice memory, and then letting them both go. Im not telling you to wallow in bad memories, just use them to your advantage in this situation, and then let them go again.
I have to dash as my health visitor is due in 30 minutes and I'm not even dressed (it's 9.30am here) but I will check in later xx
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Old 04-10-2012, 05:00 AM
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Dear skye10.... grieving the loss of someone is a processes and you will go through a gammet of emotions. As time goes the intensity of those feelings will lesson. Feel what your feeling and then let it go. Keep the focous on you and being the best you, you can be. Have you been to alanon? I strongly urge you to attend a few meetings. It worked wonders in my life. I learned about me and why I do what I do and why im doing what im dong and soooo much more. Never let anyone live in your head rent free. Its important to remember where you came from, however it may not be healthy and may interfere with your healing if your reliving it to excess. Take it one day at a time and trust your higher power to bring you through this. Be good to yourself, God bless and prayers going up for you.
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Old 04-10-2012, 06:30 AM
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Skye, it definitely helps to share. I just started using this site last week, and I don't know how I would have gotten through the weekend without it! I go through the same emotions that you are experiencing. Even though I hate the drama when I am in the middle of it, things just somehow don't feel right without it. Ugh, it helps to know that things will get better with time. I'll be thinking of you.
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Old 04-10-2012, 07:58 AM
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When thoughts get stuck in my head.....over and over and over again.....I have to find something to distract me. I need to do something that helps give my mind some rest because those ruminations are painful and exhausting.

Reading doesn't do it for me.....I can't shut my mind off enough to get through one page and I wind up becoming more exhausted because I'm having to concentrate so hard to make the words on the page make sense. This sounds silly but I use games. Yes games. Internet games. Mindless games that grab my attention and allow the pain to subside for a while. Movies work too. Even my work helps. Taking a walk and getting fresh air helps a lot. It doesn't matter what the activity is really......it's anything that allows my mind to stop ruminating about the addict and his activities. Anything that shifts the focus off of him and on to me.

Find what works for you and then follow Nike's sound advice.......just do it.

gentle hugs
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Old 04-10-2012, 09:42 AM
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Originally Posted by Skye10 View Post
I must be dealing with a lot of grief over our relationship ending and I am not dealing with it very well. I do know my exA is not someone I want in my life, nor the man I want to marry some day, but I miss him very much...I miss the good things about him. I have been doing all kinds of things to keep myself focused on the reasons I left him to begin with ie-reading my old posts, journaling, listening to old voice mails that aren't too nice, playing the tape all the way through etc etc. but I have this pit in my stomach and have been crying all day thinking about him and missing him.

I know this too shall pass, but I told my therapist about this forum and she said it sounded very positive, and if I get too down about missing him, to not be afraid to post. So here I am, posting away lol.

I know I am stronger then this, I almost feel ashamed that I can't let the thoughts of him and I together go. I know that I deserve better.

A friend told me she saw him on a few dating sites, and I think that really triggered all of this. I can't believe he has already moved on. Even though I know deep down inside, he is not capable of real love, he is just seeking out a new "victim" but it still hurts. I just wish my mind would STOP thinking about him...
I don't think there's anything wrong with missing him. There were probably times where things were good between the two of you, and that's the stuff you're hanging on to. It's natural. But you have to understand that so long as he's in active addiction, he can't sustain a loving relationship. He's not capable.

As far as him on dating sites goes, it is what it is, and that tells me (on the surface) that he's looking outside himself to find something to make him happy. And that never works.

So...feel what you feel. It's really OK. Sit with it, acknowledge it, and move forward the best you can...little by little...one moment at a time if need be. And keep doing what you need to do to be healthy. And, yes, this too shall pass...

ZoSo
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Old 04-10-2012, 11:54 AM
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But you have to understand that so long as he's in active addiction, he can't sustain a loving relationship. He's not capable.
Can I add.. While he's in active addiction and/or not in active recovery!
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Old 04-10-2012, 02:19 PM
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Can I add.. While he's in active addiction and/or not in active recovery!
Oh, absolutely. Just because someone isn't using doesn't automatically mean they're in recovery. Especially if they're behaving in the same manner as they were during active addiction. It's a distinction that's subtle but important.
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Old 04-10-2012, 09:08 PM
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Thank you all for your replies.

His roommate sent me a message on FB asking if I had seen or talked to him, which led me to believe he has gone missing. Well the codie in me had to figure out if he was ok. I called his cell and it went straight to VM which usually is not the case. His roommate and I barely know each other, I have only met him once so I figured he must be really worried about him for him to message me.

So stupid me, I called his Mom to see if she had seen him. What a MISTAKE!!!!!!! She was very rude to me...I was very polite and just asked if he was ok. I didn't pry or anything. I think she is very unstable...but regardless, I am a very sensitive person and I feel so embarrassed and hurt by the way she talked to me all because I wanted to make sure he was ok....what is wrong with people? Why are some people so hurtful and mean? Or maybe its just my sensitivity?

I just want to crawl under my comforter and cry
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Old 04-11-2012, 05:57 AM
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Originally Posted by Skye10 View Post
what is wrong with people? Why are some people so hurtful and mean?
A couple weeks ago my older son got a bill collector's call in regards to debt my younger son has, looking for him. My older son called me to tell me about the call. My first response was those calls have nothing to do with me. I've received them myself and the bill collector calling tries to stir up family members' emotions to scare them. A lot of people probably fall for it and wind up paying off debt that someone else has incurred. My older son may have thought I was a bit cold sounding about the phone calls. I am wiser now. I don't want my RAS or his bill collectors messing with my serenity! It's not my problem.

It could be your boyfriend's mother was trying to distance herself from her son's disappearing act--hence it seemed like she was being rude to you.
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Old 04-11-2012, 08:30 AM
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From a mother's perspective.......if she is aware of her son's addiction, she more than likely carries the burden of elevated concern for him. Although your call may have been a sincere attempt to find out if he was ok, it may have sent her own worry into orbit....much like the roommate's post on Facebook did to you. You may have inadvertently transferred your fear and concern to her.

People in pain are often no different than any animal in pain.....they bite if you stick your finger in their wound. You may have inadvertently stuck your finger in the center of her pain.

I write this with no knowledge of the conversation you had with her but with a lot of experience as the mother of an addict. You share something in common with her.

What are you going to do for you today? What makes you feel good? How can you take the spotlight off of your suffering and redirect it to something that helps you feel better? Self care during these rough times becomes vitally important and it's something many of us aren't very good at.

Take care of you.

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ke
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