The text that changed EVERYTHING
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Now mind you, I am NOT a Psych Dr or a professional therapist, however, from working with so so many alkies and codies over the last almost 31 years I am starting to see something in this 'relationship in your mind' that is going on.
(((((Rae)))))
I suspect, that what is going on here is that you are 'addicted' to the 'adrenalin rush' (high) that comes from the 'drama' of this past relationship. Now lets face it, we can get adrenalin rushes from both negative and/or positive 'goings on.'
I have seen this before. Please continue with your therapist, maybe up the number of sessions you are doing in a week. Ask her help in you getting to the 'motivation' to keep in contact with him, to keep reading old text messages, etc
From my own ES&H I truly believe that doing the above and then posting here, keeps you in enough of 'the drama' to give you that 'rush' (high) that you need.
Please understand, I am not 'criticizing' or 'judging' you, NOT at all. I am just seeing something that I have seen and dealt with before, and honestly believe that this is something you need to look into with THE HELP of YOUR THERAPIST. Now is time for you to really really GET CLOSE to YOUR THERAPIST. Very very important for YOU!
J M H O
Love and hugs,
(((((Rae)))))
I suspect, that what is going on here is that you are 'addicted' to the 'adrenalin rush' (high) that comes from the 'drama' of this past relationship. Now lets face it, we can get adrenalin rushes from both negative and/or positive 'goings on.'
I have seen this before. Please continue with your therapist, maybe up the number of sessions you are doing in a week. Ask her help in you getting to the 'motivation' to keep in contact with him, to keep reading old text messages, etc
From my own ES&H I truly believe that doing the above and then posting here, keeps you in enough of 'the drama' to give you that 'rush' (high) that you need.
Please understand, I am not 'criticizing' or 'judging' you, NOT at all. I am just seeing something that I have seen and dealt with before, and honestly believe that this is something you need to look into with THE HELP of YOUR THERAPIST. Now is time for you to really really GET CLOSE to YOUR THERAPIST. Very very important for YOU!
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
oh the rush of the drama.. negative attention is still attention.. it makes us feel connected to our loved one.. and it results in the fleeting positive attention that we crave.. it is so interesting to see what happens when you don't feed the drama.. it stops!..and unless we work on ourselves it will continue in other relationships..
then in the silence and the space between..we have to see ourselves..and reality.. no longer behind the veil of deception.. the painful beginning of change sends us running back to the drama.. because it is familiar..rewarding..and addictive..
i made an inventory of what is real (the facts) versus what are my feelings/desires/hopes.. that was so powerful.. i still have feelings and hopes and desires without fantasy.. i like fairytales and i like fantasies.. that is why drama seemed so invigorating and stimulating.. but within reality my real dreams can be realized..
it is a choice.. a way of thinking.. mindfulness requires practice.. to overcome addiction.. addiction to fantastical delusional wishful thinking..
"if wishes were horses, beggers would ride like kings"--Don't beg for your life...go out and get it- maybe the addict in your life will catch up and maybe they won't. That is the sad truth- but it is the truth. All we can do for our loved ones is pray and offer support when they are ready and when we are ready. The only way to help someone is to love yourself first so that when you are called upon to serve- you are capable to do so without killing yourself.
then in the silence and the space between..we have to see ourselves..and reality.. no longer behind the veil of deception.. the painful beginning of change sends us running back to the drama.. because it is familiar..rewarding..and addictive..
i made an inventory of what is real (the facts) versus what are my feelings/desires/hopes.. that was so powerful.. i still have feelings and hopes and desires without fantasy.. i like fairytales and i like fantasies.. that is why drama seemed so invigorating and stimulating.. but within reality my real dreams can be realized..
it is a choice.. a way of thinking.. mindfulness requires practice.. to overcome addiction.. addiction to fantastical delusional wishful thinking..
"if wishes were horses, beggers would ride like kings"--Don't beg for your life...go out and get it- maybe the addict in your life will catch up and maybe they won't. That is the sad truth- but it is the truth. All we can do for our loved ones is pray and offer support when they are ready and when we are ready. The only way to help someone is to love yourself first so that when you are called upon to serve- you are capable to do so without killing yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 445
Justrae
It sounds to me like you put all of your heart and soul into this relationship for the six years.
I'm not clear who really broke it off; sounds like it might have been mutual at the time....but maybe you in part were acting out of tough love sending him away to find recovery....and really waiting on him to find it and come back. That was a gamble.
Ive never broken up or experienced this situation with an addict BF, but I've ended normal relationships before. *When you discover that it's not working and won't go the distance - I feel ending it is the right thing to do, even if it hurts.*
And then what I've experienced is that you have to mourn the future / *the plans that you expected to have with this man.
I'm no psychiatrist either (by any means) but maybe it would be helpful to talk to your therapist about those dreams that were lost.*
Once you do that, maybe you can begin to focus on new dreams, *new goals for yourself.*
I think also, it's really difficult to hear about an ex' present life when your not fully resolved with your past with him. *I think it would bring those old dreams back to life.
I also wonder .... Is it possible you are hoping things won't work out for him in this new relationship and maybe if you stay attached and in contact - possibilities will occur?*
You don't even have to answer that here, but think about it.*
Ask yourself why? And is that what you really want to do?
It's another gamble.
Keep in mind - You will find another fishy..... I did.
Wishing you peace
It sounds to me like you put all of your heart and soul into this relationship for the six years.
I'm not clear who really broke it off; sounds like it might have been mutual at the time....but maybe you in part were acting out of tough love sending him away to find recovery....and really waiting on him to find it and come back. That was a gamble.
Ive never broken up or experienced this situation with an addict BF, but I've ended normal relationships before. *When you discover that it's not working and won't go the distance - I feel ending it is the right thing to do, even if it hurts.*
And then what I've experienced is that you have to mourn the future / *the plans that you expected to have with this man.
I'm no psychiatrist either (by any means) but maybe it would be helpful to talk to your therapist about those dreams that were lost.*
Once you do that, maybe you can begin to focus on new dreams, *new goals for yourself.*
I think also, it's really difficult to hear about an ex' present life when your not fully resolved with your past with him. *I think it would bring those old dreams back to life.
I also wonder .... Is it possible you are hoping things won't work out for him in this new relationship and maybe if you stay attached and in contact - possibilities will occur?*
You don't even have to answer that here, but think about it.*
Ask yourself why? And is that what you really want to do?
It's another gamble.
Keep in mind - You will find another fishy..... I did.
Wishing you peace
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 159
Hi Rae - I hadn't read your older posts so am coming at this from a "fresh" perspective. I agree with what many have said here.
It is hard. I feel your pain - it is like a knife in the back when you hear your loved one "is happier than they have ever been". Maybe it is the "pink cloud" part of recovery? Maybe it is real? Maybe it isn't? One will never know.
I do agree that you need to focus on you. I, too, hung on to the drama of my ex, even after he was in recovery and doing well. I still struggle with it every day. I often find I "yearn" to have the drama back...how crazy is that?
Keep focusing on you. I also agree that some parts of his text were blaming/manipulative and still rang of someone who is new in recovery.
Focus on you and know that you have the support around you.
It is hard. I feel your pain - it is like a knife in the back when you hear your loved one "is happier than they have ever been". Maybe it is the "pink cloud" part of recovery? Maybe it is real? Maybe it isn't? One will never know.
I do agree that you need to focus on you. I, too, hung on to the drama of my ex, even after he was in recovery and doing well. I still struggle with it every day. I often find I "yearn" to have the drama back...how crazy is that?
Keep focusing on you. I also agree that some parts of his text were blaming/manipulative and still rang of someone who is new in recovery.
Focus on you and know that you have the support around you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I'm so sorry, justrae, for your deep deep pain and shock. There are plenty here among us who have been completely gutted, completely leveled, who have known the mindf***ing emotional assault of a calculated, grandiose, cold-as-ice, narcissistic addict trying to get even.
I believe he is trying to get even, justrae. I believe his texts to you are calculated to provoke the exact devastation you are feeling and to emotionally destroy you.
I think you are so broken by this because you have known him in a different way, over the last six years, and this experience with him now seems like a nightmare. Something unimaginable to you when once you were happy with him.
It is all lies, justrae. Every word of his poisonous texts to you is a lie. And believe me, dear, this will eventually be made clear to you. Right now you are too distraught to understand. But eventually you will know what he has tried to do to you with these texts. Eventually you will see the emotional violence.
Your tears and devastation are rooted in shock. Many of us here have been shocked this way, and many of us were insane with grief over it for a long long time.
Call your closest friends, tell them you are in trouble, ask them to come and be with you, spend a week with you, ask them to pray for you, tell them you are in trouble.
Even if they don't understand why in the world you would suffer over a man like this, if they love you they will hold you up anyway.
Then be sure to get some help. Counseling. A priest. Anyone who can help you put your shattered self back together again.
Some of us......we are very naive about what addicts are capable of. About what sick people in general are capable of. When our innocence is shattered, the glass flies everywhere.
You will survive this. And one day you will look back and you will understand everything that happened. It won't hurt anymore.
I believe he is trying to get even, justrae. I believe his texts to you are calculated to provoke the exact devastation you are feeling and to emotionally destroy you.
I think you are so broken by this because you have known him in a different way, over the last six years, and this experience with him now seems like a nightmare. Something unimaginable to you when once you were happy with him.
It is all lies, justrae. Every word of his poisonous texts to you is a lie. And believe me, dear, this will eventually be made clear to you. Right now you are too distraught to understand. But eventually you will know what he has tried to do to you with these texts. Eventually you will see the emotional violence.
Your tears and devastation are rooted in shock. Many of us here have been shocked this way, and many of us were insane with grief over it for a long long time.
Call your closest friends, tell them you are in trouble, ask them to come and be with you, spend a week with you, ask them to pray for you, tell them you are in trouble.
Even if they don't understand why in the world you would suffer over a man like this, if they love you they will hold you up anyway.
Then be sure to get some help. Counseling. A priest. Anyone who can help you put your shattered self back together again.
Some of us......we are very naive about what addicts are capable of. About what sick people in general are capable of. When our innocence is shattered, the glass flies everywhere.
You will survive this. And one day you will look back and you will understand everything that happened. It won't hurt anymore.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 159
Originally Posted by justrae83 
Everyone was right. I don't know y I couldn't see it. Tonight he texted me he broke up with his ex and wanted me to come over! Sigh. What a mind feck.
The sun still shines
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
I dated someone like that for a while (not addicted to anything). I would break up with him and then he would text me how he found this other wonderful person that is so much more suitable to him than what I ever was. He would sing and sing her praises.
It turned out there never was anyone else. It was just a manipulative technique to try and get me jealous and go back to him.
I hope you will be able to see that this is a road to nowhere. You truly deserve better.
It turned out there never was anyone else. It was just a manipulative technique to try and get me jealous and go back to him.
I hope you will be able to see that this is a road to nowhere. You truly deserve better.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
Originally Posted by justrae83
Everyone was right. I don't know y I couldn't see it. Tonight he texted me he broke up with his ex and wanted me to come over! Sigh. What a mind feck.
It was all a lie in the first place. Don't take him back. He'll mind fu...k you till you become crazy.
Leave him first, before he leaves you first for another lie.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: mission viejo, ca
Posts: 134
Yeah it was very strange...i didnt go. I just laughed at him and was like um NO. Why would i come over after 3 months when your madly in love with your new girlfriend, he was like your right..that would be weird. Then today he called me and texted me to see if i could take him to his tax appointment tonight cuz his girlfriend took the car. I WAS STUNNED. I was like um NOOO why would you think to even ask me that. hahahaha sigh. Yeah, i deserve better.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Boston, Ma
Posts: 184
Yet you stand at an open door having a conversation with someone that you want to be done with. You said you wont enter or let them come through, but you stand there all the same replying, answering, talking. Why? Are you holding out for the ideal text which will make you feel okay about being with him again? Shut the door! change ur number, filter out emails, etc.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Originally Posted by justrae83
Everyone would be proud... I finally changed my number now it's time to heal
now it's time to healMake sure you come back here and post again IF you decide to give your ex another chance. We'll be here to help talk you down off the ledge!
Keep working on yourself. You deserve so much better than what you have been given by this man of your past.
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by Luweez
It means he's trying to give you closure. It's time to move on.
I got a text similar from my XAB but all mine said after two months of relapse and pain was, "I'm at lunch with my chick," that did it. I changed my phone number the next day.
It's a lie and he spells it out when he says, now I can just have a drink, in other words I don't have this disease you accused me of, ha ha...look someone else is co-signing my BS...
Don't believe and go NC immediately. ..I know this was 3 years ago but I felt prompted to respond as I'd it was now because for my story it is now..
It will blow up and keep the truth close..
Take care of you, he's hurt and doing what A do when they hurt and don't use recovery
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