BF Dad is causing us StReSS; should BF do more Drug Testing just to pacify him
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Well, I can only offer this: Buying a house with an addict, cooking an Easter Dinner with the whole family over right after his rehab, the fantasy picture of it is just beautiful. Choosing that pathway is also an option as well because it will provide a good bit of first hand learning experience, and eventually will lead to hard earned wisdom that you will one day be able to share with others. I wish you strength for your journey. 
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Let's review. You met him in March-April, 2011. At that time he had managed to get his IV Cocaine addiction under control for X period. In December, 2011 he had the big blow out, OD'd, cheated, landed in ICU and nearly died.
And here you are, just 90 +/- days later seriously contemplating buying property together.
What's the rush? Or is it possible that buying property is the rush?
Not trying to be snarky here......what would your dad say if the Easter Bunny told him the whole story over Easter din-din?
And here you are, just 90 +/- days later seriously contemplating buying property together.
What's the rush? Or is it possible that buying property is the rush?
Not trying to be snarky here......what would your dad say if the Easter Bunny told him the whole story over Easter din-din?
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Huh never thought about that with the Easter Bunny.
But what motive, what purpose would he have for telling ALL the things he suffered at the hands of his Baby Boy Bunny.... Especially to my dad.
It seems like that would have to be done with the purpose of being spiteful. To degrade or humiliate his son. And he would know it would just make BF angry and left feeling betrayed; It would just mess up the relationship he is trying to rebuild. But that would be awful.
I don't know what my dad would say; I guess he would realize how messed up the relationship is between them; would give him more insight into just how bad off BF was. I would hope it wouldn't change his opinion of him; I rather doubt it would because he has got to know BF as he is today.
I will talk to BF about Easter. I just though it would be nice to have us all together, but maybe I'm being naive and in happy family fantasy land.
But what motive, what purpose would he have for telling ALL the things he suffered at the hands of his Baby Boy Bunny.... Especially to my dad.
It seems like that would have to be done with the purpose of being spiteful. To degrade or humiliate his son. And he would know it would just make BF angry and left feeling betrayed; It would just mess up the relationship he is trying to rebuild. But that would be awful.
I don't know what my dad would say; I guess he would realize how messed up the relationship is between them; would give him more insight into just how bad off BF was. I would hope it wouldn't change his opinion of him; I rather doubt it would because he has got to know BF as he is today.
I will talk to BF about Easter. I just though it would be nice to have us all together, but maybe I'm being naive and in happy family fantasy land.
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your not in NAR ANON/AL ANON???!!! what the heck!
you need to run there, and fast...you are bringing up stuff that does not concern you at all....his recovery is just that HIS....the father needs Nar anon/al anon too...
you need to start working an HONEST program of recovery in nar anon, IF, you sort of want this relationship to work....
WORK YOUR PROGRAM, leave your boyfriend to his HIGHER POWER...
IMO: there is so much dysfuction/choatic/co dependency choas in everyone that is effected by your boyfriends disease...NAR ANON/AL ANON will help...
PS: have you been reading the stickes up above and reading all about the disease and the effects...?....
you need to run there, and fast...you are bringing up stuff that does not concern you at all....his recovery is just that HIS....the father needs Nar anon/al anon too...
you need to start working an HONEST program of recovery in nar anon, IF, you sort of want this relationship to work....
WORK YOUR PROGRAM, leave your boyfriend to his HIGHER POWER...
IMO: there is so much dysfuction/choatic/co dependency choas in everyone that is effected by your boyfriends disease...NAR ANON/AL ANON will help...
PS: have you been reading the stickes up above and reading all about the disease and the effects...?....
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It seems as if without his dad he would be really homeless living in his car. What if the numerous drug tests are the only thing keeping him sober & he goes "off the rails" on a cocaine bender?
When you first met him didn't you see a red flag when he talked about "passing out" in his car & living in it? Addiction destroys the lives of not only the middle class & poor but believe it or not the upper class as well. Of course, the upper class gets a much greater safety net than others.
When you first met him didn't you see a red flag when he talked about "passing out" in his car & living in it? Addiction destroys the lives of not only the middle class & poor but believe it or not the upper class as well. Of course, the upper class gets a much greater safety net than others.
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Originally Posted by KelleyF 
Huh never thought about that with the Easter Bunny.
But what motive, what purpose would he have for telling ALL the things he suffered at the hands of his Baby Boy Bunny.... Especially to my dad.
It seems like that would have to be done with the purpose of being spiteful. To degrade or humiliate his son. And he would know it would just make BF angry and left feeling betrayed; It would just mess up the relationship he is trying to rebuild. But that would be awful.
But what motive, what purpose would he have for telling ALL the things he suffered at the hands of his Baby Boy Bunny.... Especially to my dad.
It seems like that would have to be done with the purpose of being spiteful. To degrade or humiliate his son. And he would know it would just make BF angry and left feeling betrayed; It would just mess up the relationship he is trying to rebuild. But that would be awful.
The Easter Bunny was a hypothetical. I think it unlikely daddio is going to spill the beans because daddio is likely mortified by his son's choices. Still tracking the hypothetical thing....how would the TRUTH be spiteful or degrading, humiliating and/or betrayal? The BF's choices did all that and more.
He was 3 months +/- clean when you met him, after he tried the geographical relocation cure. 7+/- months later he had a big blow out. His father has been picking up the pieces, all along. The BF has not yet managed to maintain his own place, pay his own bills or cope with the BS at work. He's been living in a child-like state. And here you are, just 90 days post the last blow out, on the brink of looking for the white picket fence or is it mid century modern?
While there is nothing uber magical about a year's clean time, how long has it been since the BF was clean for a full year? What's the rush?
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Originally Posted by outtolunch
The response says more about this situation than you may have intended.
The Easter Bunny was a hypothetical. I think it unlikely daddio is going to spill the beans because daddio is likely mortified by his son's choices. Still tracking the hypothetical thing....how would the TRUTH be spiteful or degrading, humiliating and/or betrayal? The BF's choices did all that and more.
The Easter Bunny was a hypothetical. I think it unlikely daddio is going to spill the beans because daddio is likely mortified by his son's choices. Still tracking the hypothetical thing....how would the TRUTH be spiteful or degrading, humiliating and/or betrayal? The BF's choices did all that and more.
on the flip side....if the parents had a discussion on who's kid was best - I might actually win out.
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Originally Posted by Justfor1
It seems as if without his dad he would be really homeless living in his car. What if the numerous drug tests are the only thing keeping him sober & he goes "off the rails" on a cocaine bender?
When you first met him didn't you see a red flag when he talked about "passing out" in his car & living in it? Addiction destroys the lives of not only the middle class & poor but believe it or not the upper class as well. Of course, the upper class gets a much greater safety net than others.
When you first met him didn't you see a red flag when he talked about "passing out" in his car & living in it? Addiction destroys the lives of not only the middle class & poor but believe it or not the upper class as well. Of course, the upper class gets a much greater safety net than others.
He has been working since he got himself cleaned up about a year ago; just not for his dad and not in such a high pressure atmosphere.
BF tells me that it actually bothers him to take the blood tests. That it is a reminder that is ever present and he doesnt like it. Personally I dont think it will change his attitude if he does stop except he will be happy that he doesnt have to do those appointments 2x week. I dont think they are keeping him clean - that I think has to come from within somewhere.
Sadly - with my lack of understanding of drug issues when I met BF - it didnt really phase me. He didnt live in his car per say.... but he said he had slept in his car... to high too drive, no where to go I think is the real reason why.
Im getting all this feedback that him and his family are kinda snooty - but they arent. BF dad does have a very successful practice. BF followed in his footsteps ... except he fell down....
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Originally Posted by dollydo
Well, all the testing stuff really doesn't make a difference, I have never seen a testing program that keeps an addict from using. What I wonder about is why you would consider moving in with an addict (again) who has not been clean/working a strong program for even a year...what is the rush?
I was as shocked as anybody myself, as I had never heard of anyone who actually got clean from fear of testing postive myself until recently.
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Originally Posted by shockozulu
I have. My friend was arrested on a felony. He was told if could go two years without testing postive it would be removed. My friend then went to rehab after a failed attempt at home, and over fourteen years later still swears it was the fear of testing positive that kept him clean the first two years, which were a struggle for him. He also worked a strong program though, knowing he might relapse he is still working it like it was day one for him now.
I was as shocked as anybody myself, as I had never heard of anyone who actually got clean from fear of testing postive myself until recently.
I was as shocked as anybody myself, as I had never heard of anyone who actually got clean from fear of testing postive myself until recently.
Thank you for sharing this. I've actually had several people tell me that testing and knowing it would be negative - made them feel empowered.
So I can see the logic in it.
One thing people seem to be over-looking is that I feel BF should be given some credit for doing all these things of free-will.
He may slip up again, I cant predict the future; but he doesn't want to.
He's not trying to hide anything, and he is trying to rebuild trust with his dad. To me that should earn him at least a small acknowledgement from people here that have seen addicts lie, cheat, steal, break commitments....
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Originally Posted by Heartbroken0608
If he's not trying to hide anything why doesn't your father know about his history?
If my dad didn't know....And I was trying to conceal this information.... I wouldn't be trying to get our families to meet and spend a holiday together.
What i thought ((OutToLunch)) was saying was what if BF dad decided to unleash a whole bunch of details on negative drug related / personal situations thag happened between the two of them.
That would not be appropriate because my dad does not need every detail of what happened in the past when my BF was on cocaine.
Yes I know more of the nitty gritty than I told my dad; but those are personal things BF shared with me; omitting them is not lying in my opinion.
And in fact as far as boundaries go; I'm an adult, I don't live with my dad, I don't rely on him for support. Technically I don't owe him any details on the BF. But Im not ashamed of BF or our relationship, so I've got nothing to hide.
I will confess however, I didn't tell my dad about BF's OD at Christmas: not right away. Because I didn't want to worry him. BF was the one who convinced me that it wasn't right. And he felt that he had established a good relationship with my dad, and there was like a code of honor between men; that he respected my dad and he needed to tell him.
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Originally Posted by outtolunch
His father has been picking up the pieces, all along. The BF has not yet managed to maintain his own place, pay his own bills or cope with the BS at work. He's been living in a child-like state. And here you are, just 90 days post the last blow out, on the brink of looking for the white picket fence or is it mid century modern?
While there is nothing uber magical about a year's clean time, how long has it been since the BF was clean for a full year? What's the rush?
While there is nothing uber magical about a year's clean time, how long has it been since the BF was clean for a full year? What's the rush?
(Not assuming everyone wants kids, but if you do....) Is this BF the man you would want to be the father of your children?
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Kelley, from what I gather, you are 100% financially independent. Your BF is not.
It would probably be a great idea to put everything on hold, until your BF has proven himself to you, to also be 100% financially independent while sober, for longer than 8 months.
His father picked up all the pieces this last time. That will become your job, should he relapse again, if you tie your finances with his. Unless you're counting on his dad to continue doing that.
It would probably be a great idea to put everything on hold, until your BF has proven himself to you, to also be 100% financially independent while sober, for longer than 8 months.
His father picked up all the pieces this last time. That will become your job, should he relapse again, if you tie your finances with his. Unless you're counting on his dad to continue doing that.
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Originally Posted by KuanYin
I've been waiting to hear plans for the baby (Not assuming everyone wants kids, but if you do....) Is this BF the man you would want to be the father of your children?
(Not assuming everyone wants kids, but if you do....) Is this BF the man you would want to be the father of your children?Ok just to be clear here.... no baby... not pregnant... not trying to be.... neither one of us are ready for that.... nor is the cat.... he likes being king of castle....
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After their son died, his wife had a meltdown and left. She came back and they tried marriage counseling for a little while, but it didnt help. So they seperated and divorced within a year of his death. I assume it had a bit of grief counseling in it; but not specifically.
This next part is irrational because they were both in such pain, but apparently the wife found this small lump on the babys side, and she ignored it for a couple of weeks. Then the doctor made a misdiagnosis and another month and a half went by. BF said they argued because he thought the lump was larger but the wife said that she wasnt taking him back until his regular scheduled appointment because the Dr had told her that it was nothing to worry about.
Said the test that had been done showed the baby had; I think it was called mono and so there was swelling in lymph nodes in the abdomen.
But when the baby went back for the checkup; the Dr did an xray and then sent them straight to the hospital because it was actually a tumor on the liver.
So wife blamed him for working all the time and never being home, that she had all the care to do, and the decisions to make, and if they had found it sooner then maybe it would not have spread. BF blamed himself; and he was angry withe her because she had refused to take the baby back to the Dr and insisted that it was nothing.
So after all that; they just didnt want to be near each other. Ive heard sometimes things like this bring people closer, and for others it tears them apart.
She eventually moved, remarried, and has another child.
The heavy duty cocaine use started when his son was sick and in the hospital; where he basically lived for all the months of his life after that first xray.
He was working still, and she lived at the hospital with the baby pretty much.
His real first exposure to coke was after he got out of college and went to NY to work. In his words, he said all the new people used it because they were worked to death and it kept them going. If you couldnt keep up the pace then you got trampled.
But after his wife got pregnant, they didnt want to raise a child in the city, and so he moved back to CA and went to work with his dad. By that time he had pretty much proven himself and that was why he went to NY to begin with.
He said that the drugs were left behind in NY; that it wasnt really a problem ending it then, and his wife had never used anything.
But it was kinda the same situation for him after his son got sick; he went back to what he knew would help him cope and let him keep working at the same time.
The relapse he had before xmas....I still think it was brought on by several emotional triggers that had been building. The anniversary of his sons death in November, all this guilt he had over things that happened with his dad , the fact that it was Christmas and people if they have sadness and regret tend to feel it even more, and then arguing with his friend/boss who had kinda stepped in and took on the role with his dad.
Im not making excuses for his choice to use coke at any of these times; but I will admit the whole thing just makes me sad.
The good thing that came out of the relapse was that he started seeing a psychiatrist and he has been going regular since. Started 3x week, and then was cut back to 2x week. This was one of the things he promised his dad also.
Except with this he realizes now that it is helping him, and he has told me that he plans to keep going 2x week. So to answer your question fully; from things he has told me... this Dr. is working with him on grief and all those past issues that never were fully resolved.
This next part is irrational because they were both in such pain, but apparently the wife found this small lump on the babys side, and she ignored it for a couple of weeks. Then the doctor made a misdiagnosis and another month and a half went by. BF said they argued because he thought the lump was larger but the wife said that she wasnt taking him back until his regular scheduled appointment because the Dr had told her that it was nothing to worry about.
Said the test that had been done showed the baby had; I think it was called mono and so there was swelling in lymph nodes in the abdomen.
But when the baby went back for the checkup; the Dr did an xray and then sent them straight to the hospital because it was actually a tumor on the liver.
So wife blamed him for working all the time and never being home, that she had all the care to do, and the decisions to make, and if they had found it sooner then maybe it would not have spread. BF blamed himself; and he was angry withe her because she had refused to take the baby back to the Dr and insisted that it was nothing.
So after all that; they just didnt want to be near each other. Ive heard sometimes things like this bring people closer, and for others it tears them apart.
She eventually moved, remarried, and has another child.
The heavy duty cocaine use started when his son was sick and in the hospital; where he basically lived for all the months of his life after that first xray.
He was working still, and she lived at the hospital with the baby pretty much.
His real first exposure to coke was after he got out of college and went to NY to work. In his words, he said all the new people used it because they were worked to death and it kept them going. If you couldnt keep up the pace then you got trampled.
But after his wife got pregnant, they didnt want to raise a child in the city, and so he moved back to CA and went to work with his dad. By that time he had pretty much proven himself and that was why he went to NY to begin with.
He said that the drugs were left behind in NY; that it wasnt really a problem ending it then, and his wife had never used anything.
But it was kinda the same situation for him after his son got sick; he went back to what he knew would help him cope and let him keep working at the same time.
The relapse he had before xmas....I still think it was brought on by several emotional triggers that had been building. The anniversary of his sons death in November, all this guilt he had over things that happened with his dad , the fact that it was Christmas and people if they have sadness and regret tend to feel it even more, and then arguing with his friend/boss who had kinda stepped in and took on the role with his dad.
Im not making excuses for his choice to use coke at any of these times; but I will admit the whole thing just makes me sad.
The good thing that came out of the relapse was that he started seeing a psychiatrist and he has been going regular since. Started 3x week, and then was cut back to 2x week. This was one of the things he promised his dad also.
Except with this he realizes now that it is helping him, and he has told me that he plans to keep going 2x week. So to answer your question fully; from things he has told me... this Dr. is working with him on grief and all those past issues that never were fully resolved.
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Just out of college, work was stressful = turn to drugs.
Baby is dying, very stressful = turn to drugs.
Fight with new boss, stressed = turn to drugs.
It sounds like your BF is a great guy who just has no healthy coping mechanisms for dealing with the problems in his life. Hopefully that's something he's working on with his psychiatrist. Maybe for you it would make more sense to forget about the "wait until he's been in recovery for a year" and instead wait until he's gone through a couple of stressful events and shows that's he's able to deal with the stress without turning to drugs.
Best of luck in whatever you decide.
Baby is dying, very stressful = turn to drugs.
Fight with new boss, stressed = turn to drugs.
It sounds like your BF is a great guy who just has no healthy coping mechanisms for dealing with the problems in his life. Hopefully that's something he's working on with his psychiatrist. Maybe for you it would make more sense to forget about the "wait until he's been in recovery for a year" and instead wait until he's gone through a couple of stressful events and shows that's he's able to deal with the stress without turning to drugs.
Best of luck in whatever you decide.
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"instead wait until he's gone through a couple of stressful events and shows that's he's able to deal with the stress without turning to drugs"
Very good point - thank you.
Does Easter Dinner Count?? - Just kidding
"Hopefully that's something he's working on with his psychiatrist"
yes the Dr has been really good for him. He was really hesitant at first. but he promised his dad he would do it; and so he's kept at it.
Most definetly he is working on stress / coping
Very good point - thank you.
Does Easter Dinner Count?? - Just kidding
"Hopefully that's something he's working on with his psychiatrist"
yes the Dr has been really good for him. He was really hesitant at first. but he promised his dad he would do it; and so he's kept at it.
Most definetly he is working on stress / coping
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