BF Dad is causing us StReSS; should BF do more Drug Testing just to pacify him
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Originally Posted by bluebelle 
If RABF asks me a question that really needs to be addressed with his psychiatrist or counselor, then I suggest that he talks to her about it.
I understand that your bf's relationship with his father effects you. That is very understandable. I know that my relationship with my AM effects my bf. I try not to overburden him--I discuss problems with my mom with my psychiatrist and I also read a lot of books. I also discuss stuff about her on this website. I know he can make suggestions (ex. Why do you let her say that to you?), but in the long run, my issues with my mom are my own. My suggestion regarding this issue would be turn it back over to your bf.
From what you've said, the bf's father does sound overbearing, in a codependent sort of way. I get the feeling that he is really trying to control your bf and his drug problems. I'm sure he cares about him a lot, and was very scared by the OD. In my mind, it makes me think of my AM's mother. She has always super tried to control everyone's actions. It wasn't until I was much older that I realized that part of that was b/c my mom has drug addiction/mental health issues. My grandmother won't really admit that my mom has problems, but she will do about everything to control the situation and to rescue my mom. So, I guess what I'm saying is that I feel compassion for your bf's father. I can kind of see why he does what he does. I also know that none of this will change your bf's situation. The bottom line is that your bf has to want to be clean. It is up to him whether he uses more cocaine. Having him take blood tests and live at the boss' house seems like a termporary measure to control the situation, but not a long-term solutions.
I understand that your bf's relationship with his father effects you. That is very understandable. I know that my relationship with my AM effects my bf. I try not to overburden him--I discuss problems with my mom with my psychiatrist and I also read a lot of books. I also discuss stuff about her on this website. I know he can make suggestions (ex. Why do you let her say that to you?), but in the long run, my issues with my mom are my own. My suggestion regarding this issue would be turn it back over to your bf.
From what you've said, the bf's father does sound overbearing, in a codependent sort of way. I get the feeling that he is really trying to control your bf and his drug problems. I'm sure he cares about him a lot, and was very scared by the OD. In my mind, it makes me think of my AM's mother. She has always super tried to control everyone's actions. It wasn't until I was much older that I realized that part of that was b/c my mom has drug addiction/mental health issues. My grandmother won't really admit that my mom has problems, but she will do about everything to control the situation and to rescue my mom. So, I guess what I'm saying is that I feel compassion for your bf's father. I can kind of see why he does what he does. I also know that none of this will change your bf's situation. The bottom line is that your bf has to want to be clean. It is up to him whether he uses more cocaine. Having him take blood tests and live at the boss' house seems like a termporary measure to control the situation, but not a long-term solutions.
BF said his dad was not always controlling like this. He has always been one to set high expectations but he used to let him get there via his own route.
I cant really say what his dad thinks... but I know that everything he has done is because he loves his son and is wanting to set him up for success in his recovery. Not saying that will be the outcome - but that is what he is trying to do.
BF made all these original agreements with his dad 3 months ago. He has stuck by them all & without any complaint - no arguments with his dad, etc. Because that is just the way he is - if he makes an agreement then he sticks to it.
I have complete respect for that.
For a while his dad was coming here almost every weekend. It got to the point it was BF would say.... well dad will be here Saturday, think he wants to take me to the zoo....haha ... But really I could tell he was happy his dad was coming around.
The truth is BF dad isnt going anywhere. He is always going to have hold over him because one day BF wants to go back to work for him; his name is on that door too. But BF says he cant do that / wont do that unless he has his dads trust back. And he feels like only time and jumping through all these hoops will accomlish that because he knows he really screwed things up. Wont get into all the stuff that happened at work but it wasnt pretty.
I dont mean to sound like Im helping make the choice. BF will make the choice; he already has actually - he will do whatever his dad wants right now.
As far as the drug testing goes.... he is just wanting something less intrusive than 2x week blood testing. I personally think that is reasonable.
I agree that all this wont stop a person from using; I truly dont think he even wants to use right now; that is why he is so tolerant of all this.
After reading all the stuff I wrote about his dad; makes me question why exactly am I considering inviting them to Easter Dinner at my dads?
BF said that decision was up to me; and I thought it would be nice for them to meet - but now Im wondering - maybe not this holiday ? well couple more days to decide I guess.
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Originally Posted by KelleyF
Yes it was definitely a weird situation. When BF was in hospital I came home one day saw this notice posted on his door. It wasn't from the city or anything just the mgmt office.
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I think you should completely stay out of it. it is totally between him and his dad. Why should you even worry about labs, tests etc... I would also never agree with moving in with a recovering addict so new to recovery. You are creating a financial entanglement with someone who overdosed 3 months ago.
Always good to stay out of a partners relationship with his parents. You have known your BF for around a year, his dad has a lifetime of experience with the man.
take care.
Always good to stay out of a partners relationship with his parents. You have known your BF for around a year, his dad has a lifetime of experience with the man.
take care.
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I can relate to the dad man. Back when, if I thought all it took was paying the rent and/or school tab to keep someone who was clean and sober and a good influence in my daughter's life, I would have done so. In fact I tried to do so. The young man saw right through my attempts to control the situation and declined the financial incentives. Instead, he honored his own boundaries and removed himself from my daughter's life.
I was not nearly as ready to give up my illusion of control and I used every bit of leverage I had to manipulate my daughter into three premature back to back rehabs. The last rehab was in the mountains, serious distance from civilization. After checking in and taking care of the payments, I walked out the door with my daughter's wallet/passport because I wanted to make it tougher for her to run.
She was 20 at the time and had a long history of learning differences and serious emotional regulation issues. Somewhere along the way, I forgot she had a right to determine the course of her own life. I was reminded of that when she relapsed within hours of her eventual return home.
She eventually got clean and did so without the benefit of fancy rehabs, prescription drugs, professional oversight/support and did so in spite of me.
Only she can choose to maintain her sobriety, or not.
It took the road trip to hell-o and back for me to understand this.
I was not nearly as ready to give up my illusion of control and I used every bit of leverage I had to manipulate my daughter into three premature back to back rehabs. The last rehab was in the mountains, serious distance from civilization. After checking in and taking care of the payments, I walked out the door with my daughter's wallet/passport because I wanted to make it tougher for her to run.
She was 20 at the time and had a long history of learning differences and serious emotional regulation issues. Somewhere along the way, I forgot she had a right to determine the course of her own life. I was reminded of that when she relapsed within hours of her eventual return home.
She eventually got clean and did so without the benefit of fancy rehabs, prescription drugs, professional oversight/support and did so in spite of me.
Only she can choose to maintain her sobriety, or not.
It took the road trip to hell-o and back for me to understand this.
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((OutToLunch))
I remember recently you posted about going grocery shopping with your daughter. I so hope BF and his dad get to share happy moments like that soon.
And geezzz.... Your post making me waffle back to the Easter Dinner invite for his dad / stepmom. what's the worst could really happen between civilized group of family & friends celebrating a Christian Holiday with food and chocolate
I remember recently you posted about going grocery shopping with your daughter. I so hope BF and his dad get to share happy moments like that soon.
And geezzz.... Your post making me waffle back to the Easter Dinner invite for his dad / stepmom. what's the worst could really happen between civilized group of family & friends celebrating a Christian Holiday with food and chocolate
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((OutToLunch))
BF and I are having Easter weekend at my dads. Ive been practicing some of my moms recipes to impress... my dad.
He is living here in the USA right now - just a couple hours from where Im at actually for school. My parents have a house in the UK and one here, and they used to go back and forth because of my dads work. But now that he is retired, he has been spending more time here and only goes there every few months for a couple weeks.
Oh yeah, I introduced my dad to BF a couple months after we met. We spent a lot of time at my dads during the summer months. They get along really well.
They talk all about the news, money, politics... my dads not much into sports.
We went there about 3 weeks ago for the weekend. BF got into all these projects with my dad; anything that required physcial labor to try to help my dad out ... and I cleaned his house, and cooked him up a bunch of stuff for the freezer... that kind of stuff... Made us all dinner; just normal family stuff. He fits in.
But BF family; I just met them at xmas. They have never met my dad.
I mentioned the idea to my dad, and he said it sounded fine to him; they could spend the weekend or the day. BF just laughed and shook his head, and said it was up to me. So I figure I have to decide by this weekend since his dad will be here. Of course I will wait until after he drops whatever "bombshells" he has planned for BF....
BF and I are having Easter weekend at my dads. Ive been practicing some of my moms recipes to impress... my dad.
He is living here in the USA right now - just a couple hours from where Im at actually for school. My parents have a house in the UK and one here, and they used to go back and forth because of my dads work. But now that he is retired, he has been spending more time here and only goes there every few months for a couple weeks.
Oh yeah, I introduced my dad to BF a couple months after we met. We spent a lot of time at my dads during the summer months. They get along really well.
They talk all about the news, money, politics... my dads not much into sports.
We went there about 3 weeks ago for the weekend. BF got into all these projects with my dad; anything that required physcial labor to try to help my dad out ... and I cleaned his house, and cooked him up a bunch of stuff for the freezer... that kind of stuff... Made us all dinner; just normal family stuff. He fits in.
But BF family; I just met them at xmas. They have never met my dad.
I mentioned the idea to my dad, and he said it sounded fine to him; they could spend the weekend or the day. BF just laughed and shook his head, and said it was up to me. So I figure I have to decide by this weekend since his dad will be here. Of course I will wait until after he drops whatever "bombshells" he has planned for BF....
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Dollydo,
"Well, all the testing stuff really doesn't make a difference, I have never seen a testing program that keeps an addict from using. What I wonder about is why you would consider moving in with an addict (again) who has not been clean/working a strong program for even a year...what is the rush?
I asked that too, guess that went under the radar....
"Well, all the testing stuff really doesn't make a difference, I have never seen a testing program that keeps an addict from using. What I wonder about is why you would consider moving in with an addict (again) who has not been clean/working a strong program for even a year...what is the rush?
I asked that too, guess that went under the radar....
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Originally Posted by December2011
Dollydo,
"Well, all the testing stuff really doesn't make a difference, I have never seen a testing program that keeps an addict from using. What I wonder about is why you would consider moving in with an addict (again) who has not been clean/working a strong program for even a year...what is the rush?
I asked that too, guess that went under the radar....
"Well, all the testing stuff really doesn't make a difference, I have never seen a testing program that keeps an addict from using. What I wonder about is why you would consider moving in with an addict (again) who has not been clean/working a strong program for even a year...what is the rush?
I asked that too, guess that went under the radar....
I didnt have anything to do with this whole drug testing request that started 3 months ago. I think it was a nice gesture to put himself through that for his dad. I think it's really considerate of him to do it again.. If that's what his dad asks. Don't you?
I don't worry about moving in with him / buying a house. It was on the table before Xmas; so I don't feel like it's a rush; feels like a long time coming actually. Why wait a year?
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Originally Posted by KelleyF
Why wait a year?
If you have not attended Naraon I would suggest that you do, you will learn about this disease called addiction.
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Three months ago, your bf used drugs, cheated on you, almost died, and was evicted from his apartment.
My opinion from watching my RABF is that 3 months is not a very long time. I'm sure that each experience is different. However, in RABF's case, at 3 months, he was dealing with lots of extreme emotions. His body was adjusting to being off drugs. Plus, RABF was trying to learn healthy activities to do with his time.
What is the reason for moving in with him now? I know you said you were considering it before, but why not wait some time? You have your apt paid off for awhile, right? Aren't you still in a lease? So, I assume it's not about saving money?
Do you think you need to watch his actions? Keep him happy and distracted? Keep him from needing a fix? Do you think he needs you as encouragement to stay clean? Is this going to be like him living at the boss' house--something that will keep him straight?
My opinion from watching my RABF is that 3 months is not a very long time. I'm sure that each experience is different. However, in RABF's case, at 3 months, he was dealing with lots of extreme emotions. His body was adjusting to being off drugs. Plus, RABF was trying to learn healthy activities to do with his time.
What is the reason for moving in with him now? I know you said you were considering it before, but why not wait some time? You have your apt paid off for awhile, right? Aren't you still in a lease? So, I assume it's not about saving money?
Do you think you need to watch his actions? Keep him happy and distracted? Keep him from needing a fix? Do you think he needs you as encouragement to stay clean? Is this going to be like him living at the boss' house--something that will keep him straight?
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((December))
I don't understand your reply.
Why would buying a house be a bad stress for him?
And why would Easter dinner be too stressful for him?
Just the combination of us + 3 people. Other than normal jitters over having them meet, I don't expect trouble of any kind.
Did you ever have a bad experience bringing families together to meet for the first time?
I don't understand your reply.
Why would buying a house be a bad stress for him?
And why would Easter dinner be too stressful for him?
Just the combination of us + 3 people. Other than normal jitters over having them meet, I don't expect trouble of any kind.
Did you ever have a bad experience bringing families together to meet for the first time?
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I'm assuming by your reply, Kelly, that you've never bought a house before. It is a very stressful process even in the best of circumstances. Im not going to tell you not to move in with him, that's for you to decide. I would caution you to really think hard before buying a house though. Buying a home is the biggest financial commitment you will ever make and, whether there's a drug addiction involved or not, I would never recommend someone buy a home with someone they are not married to. If by chance you do break up you will have hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of entanglement to somehow sort out without the protections afforded to married couples. Not good. If you must live with him rent somewhere, breaking a lease is much easier!
Just my 2 cents.
Just my 2 cents.
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I just remembered something; I think because of Cynicals note.
So when I met BF about the only sign of wealth i saw was his car. *So I remember asking him one time if it was his, or did be steal it. I was really *just joking. But be said it was his, and that he had actually had to sleep in it a few times...or passed out in it ...but I started laughing because ...this is how my mind works.... I was like well what if you had one of those little smart cars...and then you became homeless, and you didn't have anywhere to plug it in, and it was too small to sleep in. *What do those people do? And I couldnt stop laughing.... Then he started laughing and told me I was very sympathetic towards others.
Sorry - just remembered that. It's still funny.*
So when I met BF about the only sign of wealth i saw was his car. *So I remember asking him one time if it was his, or did be steal it. I was really *just joking. But be said it was his, and that he had actually had to sleep in it a few times...or passed out in it ...but I started laughing because ...this is how my mind works.... I was like well what if you had one of those little smart cars...and then you became homeless, and you didn't have anywhere to plug it in, and it was too small to sleep in. *What do those people do? And I couldnt stop laughing.... Then he started laughing and told me I was very sympathetic towards others.
Sorry - just remembered that. It's still funny.*
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If someone were homeless I'm sure they wouldn't care that it was too small or that they had no where to plug it in...at least they would have something to protect them from the elements. And I don't think they would find anything funny about it.
Sorry... But you hit a nerve. My son is always 1 day away from homelessness and many people on here have loved ones who are currently homeless. None of us are laughing about it. Maybe I'm just a little too sensitive right now. If so, I'm sorry.
Sorry... But you hit a nerve. My son is always 1 day away from homelessness and many people on here have loved ones who are currently homeless. None of us are laughing about it. Maybe I'm just a little too sensitive right now. If so, I'm sorry.
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His words do not sound like those of a responsible and stable person. He has all this money for an expensive car, but he has to sleep there? He is passed out in a car? That doesn't sound like a safe situation. My ASD got a DUI when she was passed out in her car.
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Originally Posted by Heartbroken0608
If someone were homeless I'm sure they wouldn't care that it was too small or that they had no where to plug it in...at least they would have something to protect them from the elements. And I don't think they would find anything funny about it.
Sorry... But you hit a nerve. My son is always 1 day away from homelessness and many people on here have loved ones who are currently homeless. None of us are laughing about it. Maybe I'm just a little too sensitive right now. If so, I'm sorry.
Sorry... But you hit a nerve. My son is always 1 day away from homelessness and many people on here have loved ones who are currently homeless. None of us are laughing about it. Maybe I'm just a little too sensitive right now. If so, I'm sorry.
Im sorry; that discussion just came to mind when I was thinking about Cynicals post. It was an actual exchange between me and the BF.... I guess my point to him was: You had it bad; but you could have had it worse. And I dont know why that tiny tiny smart car came to mind to me at that time.
I actually asked him tonight if he remembered that conversation and he was like Yeah I think I do.
So I repeated it and then he remembered answering me and saying "they just pick them up and carry them". -- Cause they are so teeny tiny.
BF story is just as sad as most everyone elses here.... he had a good life... he ended up at deaths door shooting cocaine almost non-stop. So Im well aware of the serious nature of the disease, and I hate the thought of everything he went through... but that was his journey... and now hes at a new place where he has hope running through his veins and not cocaine.
Praying your son gets to his hopeful place soon also.
Kel
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((Doolydo))
((December))
((Bluebelle))
((Cynical))
((Heartbroken))
Thank you for all your thoughts. It is a lot to think about. My motivations and realizing that the situation for BF is different than it would be for someone who has not been through so much; not learned to live and use cocaine as a cruch for dealing with the events of his life.
And no matter how I whitewash it; to me that is really what it comes down to.
At some point he chose this as a coping mechanism; and now he is learning not to do that. Its a process.....it takes time. I most definetly dont want to do anything that would hinder his ability to stay on course.
I hadnt really meant to mention that we were planning on moving back in together; or about the house....not yet ... not here... to be confronted by this group who Im sorta stating to think of as my wise set of aunts, uncles, cousins... that I reach out to when things are out of my box of knowledge.
The whole process of buying a house; for me its new. I had a condo once. I picked it out and the whole bit, but my dad actually bought it so I didnt have to worry about all the credit and the paperwork etc. The rest of the time, Ive either lived at home, had a flat in London when i lived there for a while, or the apartment I have now. This was never meant be long term for me, its just while Im finishing school. For those who have asked, I did have a one year least but since that ended Ive just been paying month to month.
BF is not new to buying houses; he has a house in CA... he left it behind when he bolted; his dad stepped up to take care of it all for him. BF talked to him a while back about selling it; he wanted to list it - but his dad went on about how didnt he want to show it to me, didnt he think maybe he would want to live there again. BF was pretty clear that he does not want to live in that house; where his son was raised; and where BF lived when he died. So that is an open issue yet to be resolved.
The whole process of buying a house hasnt been stressful as of yet. For the most part we have been having fun with it. We have a realtor, we have looked at houses, we have had our credits checked; we were pre-approved seperately and together. BF wont get stressed about all the paperwork and legally goo - he loves all that stuff.
Im guessing if his dad hadnt stepped in those 18 months while he pulled his vanishing act; he would be in a financial mess. His house, his bills, his credit.
If his dad hadnt pulled back everything but a trickle of money that BF could access... Im sure he would have blown through whatever he had because he was so sick.
What I really think about his dad - is just that he is a father who loves his son; who wants to help him and doesnt know how. Who came here after not knowing for over a year if he was really alive or dead, and found him in the ICU with only strangers by his side; a girl crying her eyes out, and a best friend who had took over the role of advisor and confidant -something that he wanted to be for his son all along. And when I talked to him about all the things he did for me - trying to determine why... what I really saw was this man who was sad and scared, and wanted to reach out in some way and be part of his sons life - even if that was just through using his means to take care of me.
Anyway, much to think about - those are just my muddled thoughts this morning. Im having a hard time thinking past his dad showing up her in a couple days...
((December))
((Bluebelle))
((Cynical))
((Heartbroken))
Thank you for all your thoughts. It is a lot to think about. My motivations and realizing that the situation for BF is different than it would be for someone who has not been through so much; not learned to live and use cocaine as a cruch for dealing with the events of his life.
And no matter how I whitewash it; to me that is really what it comes down to.
At some point he chose this as a coping mechanism; and now he is learning not to do that. Its a process.....it takes time. I most definetly dont want to do anything that would hinder his ability to stay on course.
I hadnt really meant to mention that we were planning on moving back in together; or about the house....not yet ... not here... to be confronted by this group who Im sorta stating to think of as my wise set of aunts, uncles, cousins... that I reach out to when things are out of my box of knowledge.
The whole process of buying a house; for me its new. I had a condo once. I picked it out and the whole bit, but my dad actually bought it so I didnt have to worry about all the credit and the paperwork etc. The rest of the time, Ive either lived at home, had a flat in London when i lived there for a while, or the apartment I have now. This was never meant be long term for me, its just while Im finishing school. For those who have asked, I did have a one year least but since that ended Ive just been paying month to month.
BF is not new to buying houses; he has a house in CA... he left it behind when he bolted; his dad stepped up to take care of it all for him. BF talked to him a while back about selling it; he wanted to list it - but his dad went on about how didnt he want to show it to me, didnt he think maybe he would want to live there again. BF was pretty clear that he does not want to live in that house; where his son was raised; and where BF lived when he died. So that is an open issue yet to be resolved.
The whole process of buying a house hasnt been stressful as of yet. For the most part we have been having fun with it. We have a realtor, we have looked at houses, we have had our credits checked; we were pre-approved seperately and together. BF wont get stressed about all the paperwork and legally goo - he loves all that stuff.
Im guessing if his dad hadnt stepped in those 18 months while he pulled his vanishing act; he would be in a financial mess. His house, his bills, his credit.
If his dad hadnt pulled back everything but a trickle of money that BF could access... Im sure he would have blown through whatever he had because he was so sick.
What I really think about his dad - is just that he is a father who loves his son; who wants to help him and doesnt know how. Who came here after not knowing for over a year if he was really alive or dead, and found him in the ICU with only strangers by his side; a girl crying her eyes out, and a best friend who had took over the role of advisor and confidant -something that he wanted to be for his son all along. And when I talked to him about all the things he did for me - trying to determine why... what I really saw was this man who was sad and scared, and wanted to reach out in some way and be part of his sons life - even if that was just through using his means to take care of me.
Anyway, much to think about - those are just my muddled thoughts this morning. Im having a hard time thinking past his dad showing up her in a couple days...
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