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BF Dad is causing us StReSS; should BF do more Drug Testing just to pacify him



BF Dad is causing us StReSS; should BF do more Drug Testing just to pacify him

Old 04-03-2012, 07:08 AM
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well his dad already paid for the couples thing; and there was a giftcard for airfare I must admit.
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Old 04-03-2012, 07:15 AM
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Originally Posted by outtolunch View Post
No one laughed at /dismissed the offer of couples therapy rehab?

That rent/tuition assist came with some fine print.

No I didnt dismiss it; because I mean it is a strutured program, and I dont see how it could really be harmful. It might be a good thing.
How could it be bad for us ?

We didnt tell him we would go; he just left it all there. It was all just matter of fact. He told how it was good for him and his wife, and left it at that pretty much.
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Old 04-03-2012, 07:16 AM
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Originally Posted by KelleyF View Post

But then how many people would have good memories of rehab?
Actually, millions do. They are the highly motivated people who took responsibility for themselves and used the rehab opportunity to learn some of the tools of recovery and in the process, saved their own lives.


It's the unmotivated folk who are often manipulated into rehab who are unwilling to do the hard work on and for themselves that tend to not have less than fond memories of the experience. Most balme the facility for failing.
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Old 04-03-2012, 07:20 AM
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Originally Posted by dollydo View Post
Good Grief..is this a pilot for a new soap opera?
It is for me!!

Honestly, Kelley -- I really wish the very best for you. But I keep reading your posts hoping to find some kind of breakthrough with you and instead what I find is that this hole you are digging for yourself just keeps getting deeper and deeper. I know MY gut feelings don't count for squat, but I just have this gut feeling that you are in for a wild ride .... like 6-7 years from now you're going to be in a world of pain and have not a clue how you got there. God, I do hope I'm wrong.

But, we all have our paths to walk...and when I was your age I didn't listen to anyone either. I get it. ((Hugs))
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Old 04-03-2012, 07:22 AM
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"NO"

Is a complete sentence. I wonder how future FIL will react should you use that sentence on anything he is doing.

Personally, that is an insult in my book. A back handed way of saying he thinks you two (and mind you he is not a psych dr. or a therapist) need to work on your relationship, when in reality his son needs to work on his recovery. And then not even to ask first, but just go ahead and arrange it and PAY FOR IT. What an insult!!!!!

Okay.

I'm going to wish you a happy life and just say that when it starts to go to he!! in a hand basket we will still be here.

Love and hugs,
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Old 04-03-2012, 07:43 AM
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Have to say I'm sorta surprised that within this group - I'm being told me and BF should turn down the opportunity to through a week of couples therapy; which includes individual sessions with therapists...at a legitimate rehab center...just because BF dad arranged it without asking.
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Old 04-03-2012, 07:47 AM
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Of course he made all the arrangements and paid for it all etc. etc. I'm sure he'll give you the weeks pay to get of work. He wants you to go and he'll do whatever he can to make his will happen. You get down to California and there will be a house waiting there for you to move into. The very house your boyfriend says he does not want, in the state he does not want to be in.......but that is a minor detail. His voice is nothing more than an annoying insect buzz in his dad's ear, to be swatted and killed.

Of course your boyfriend is pissed. His dad is arranging for a couples retreat with a girlfriend (not a wife) to a place he does not like, in a state he does not like, without so much as running it past him. That would tick anyone off. Normal parents would never over step a line like that and normal adult children would not tolerate that.

Boyfriend ran away from his dad. You brought his dad back into his life. His dad has now brought you over to his side. You and him (the dad) are like a team now?! You say your boyfriend is being illogical. Are you listening to your boyfriends voice or just swatting that buzzing sound?

How exactly is this crack addict supposed to recover without a voice, without any space at all to get right with himself? He needs to stand still a minute but the rest of you keep spinning his world around like a top. If I had a crystal ball your boyfriend will either crash and burn very soon, or do another disappearing act. No man will be able to live under these conditions forever.
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Old 04-03-2012, 07:48 AM
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Originally Posted by KelleyF View Post


...just because BF dad arranged and paid for it without asking.
If it's such a good idea, why not plan and pay for it on your own?
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Old 04-03-2012, 07:49 AM
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My head is spinning….

One of the biggest issues with anything like this, you never know what the motives are, you don’t know what he tells his father without you around, don’t know what his daddy is really thinking and what his motive are, how healthy they are when he does what he does…

To me if you truly want your bf to get well then both you and the father need to step back big time, get out of his way.

I also agree about the pain and the personal loss, like what anvil wrote. You don’t need to know his feelings, you don’t need to know anything. He isn’t keeping a secret, you know it happened, from there you don’t need to know any more and you aren’t entitled to. You can’t share the pain it is not yours.

Years ago, at a funeral no less, my fil’s brother whispered to me, you know you turned him around. I looked him dead in the face and said I did no such thing, I got out of his way and turned myself around….whatever he did that you see in him, he did on his own.

I don’t take credit with my son either … all I did was get out of the way with him as well, him falling flat on his face is what should’ve happen and as fast as it did. It is what would happen if any parents let go from the get go and stopped doing for, thinking for, planning for, and let them live it their way as they should, they can not learn any other way, not good things anyways that will give them the best chance at a wonderful life.

I don’t know who is playing the game but you all seen, all in.


I wonder has anyone stopped and asked your boyfriend what he wants, truly what he wants to do and can do for himself.
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Old 04-03-2012, 09:23 AM
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Something you guys have to understand is that BF dad is not a bad guy. He has had a very difficult time since The day he gave BF the ultimatum to get help or leave. *When BF left and disappeared....his dad did not handle it well. *His wife (BF stepmom) dis not handle it well. * Right or wrong They had a lot of pain and a lot of guilt.*
BF dad did some crazy stuff.... Their marriage was on the verge of collapse. *

I don't think his dad meant this couples therapy as an insult. I think his motive was that he hoped it would be beneficial to us just starting out as a couple; planning to move in together, and coping with BF drug issues.*

Why not pay for it ourselves? *Well honestly I had never thought about therapy because (don't laugh) I think we - as a couple are doing ok.*

His dad and his stepmom went through this program, so I think he thought he was being kind offering it to us. *I really don't even think he was using me in this situation to manipulate BF because he presented the idea to him when I wasn't even there. *I actually never spoke a word to his dad about this matter. *BF and I talked about it but just briefly.*

BF did ask me to come over that day; but it wasn't to talk to his dad about this. It was really because he was upset finding out about some of the crazy things his dad had done after he Had left CA.
I didnt go over until kinda late; so I didn't interfere with any of their discussions.

Like I said for a moment I questioned -should he have to deal with that alone- consequences of his actions....but I decided no.

I guess in all honesty.... I don't have issues with the money because my family has always been generous like this also and there are no strings attached.
It's a concept of giving freely just because you want to. It's actually very simple.

I know BF dad does have motivation for part of what he does- but I still feel like he does it with a good heart and with good intentions.

BF knows I'm loyal to him; not his dad. But if I think his dad is right about something then I will tell him that also. Just how I am.*
You have to be who you be....
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Old 04-03-2012, 09:23 AM
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Originally Posted by KelleyF View Post
I dont know how that is possible... I feel like Ive told my life story like a million times.
All I've read is your life story as it pertains to BF. It's like it all started with him.

Kelley, BF's dad has collapsed boundaries. BF has collapsed boundaries. What kind of boundaries do you logically think you have? You've heard the expression birds of a feather flock together? Water seeks it's own level?

Here's a great topic on that subject: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-you-have.html
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Old 04-03-2012, 09:53 AM
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Originally Posted by laurie6781 View Post
The more you write, the more RED FLAGS I am seeing.
RED FLAGS??!! my head is spinning...i cant even read this anymore....

was wondering, because she is so involved in the BFs recovery and HIS stuff...when is she gonna have the time for AL ANON?
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Old 04-03-2012, 10:04 AM
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Originally Posted by fourmaggie View Post
RED FLAGS??!! my head is spinning...i cant even read this anymore....

was wondering, because she is so involved in the BFs recovery and HIS stuff...when is she gonna have the time for AL ANON?

Let's see maybe 'after I pick out his clothes for the day, make sure he brushes his teeth.....or possibly wedged in-between my tennis lessons and massage, but Fredricko sometimes goes over... So maybe not then....possibly I could fit one in during my working hours...Extra long lunch...I mean I can't go later because I have to take BF for his walk...and then he has to have his pillow fluffed ... Oh and let's not forget the time it takes to make myself look sexy..wait that's only like two minutes.... I'll have to have my schedule coordinator look into this....

LOL
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Old 04-03-2012, 11:34 AM
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Confusing is this... my original post was about Drug Testing via Hair method
I had one reply on my original question.

I guess its good all these other things about BF dad came out; and the insight that I am too involved with BF... and other stuff...

But maybe since I feel happy, and things with BF are good - I have trouble wrapping my mind around some of it. I cant really help that; Im trying to be honest abotu how I feel because I figure that is the only way I can really examine my self and my feelings.

I do appreciate everyone input and I know you see red flags where I see nothing... but that is why Im still here on SR. Trying to learn and become aware.
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Old 04-03-2012, 12:01 PM
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I'm almost starting to feel like this is a codependency test for the members on this forum ...

Here is my ESH. I was in my mid-thirties before I could see the dysfunctional patterns in my life. My mother is in her 70s and I doubt that she will ever see anything wrong with the way that she lives her life. The coping mechanisms that she learned early in life never got so bad that she actually thought that she needed help.

Maybe that's the same for you?

I'm assuming you came here to help your boyfriend. Since he's an addict, you wanted to read everything you could about helping HIM. You didn't come here because you felt like YOUR life was hitting bottom. It really doesn't make sense to talk about YOUR recovery when you think everything is wonderful in your life.

I dragged my sorry butt to an ACA meeting when I felt like my life was out of control. I relied on external approval to feel good about myself, I had no personal opinions (that I was willing to share) because I wanted everyone to like me and I couldn't stand conflict, I was spending more time volunteering than I was looking after my own home because I wanted to feel needed and useful, ... I truly was a wreck.

My father was an alcoholic and our home was dysfunctional. Even after my father left the home, we were all into each other's business. My mother was always telling us how we should feel and what we should do. It wasn't advice. She truly thinks that she knows exactly what we need. Still does, even though my siblings and I are in our 40s. Dealing with someone like this is degrading and insulting. You learn to not trust your own feelings and judgement. It keeps you in a "child like" state, which is exactly what a codependent person wants. They want you to need them.

Dysfunctional homes are not just created due to alcoholism or drug addiction. Being raised by a parent with a mental illness, abandonment, and narcissism also produces similar results. I know people who come from homes where alcohol was never consumed, but because their parents were raised by alcoholics they still passed the dysfunction onto their children.

What I have learned from this thread is that I can still so easily get pulled into drama!

Thanks for letting me share.

db
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Old 04-03-2012, 12:22 PM
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DBH

You had me pegged exactly.... I came to SR when my BF was in hospital after the OD; and I was a mess adn worried about HIM. Didnt know anything about drugs, addiction, or recovery... and I wanted to help HIM.

I have realized; and Im really grateful for understanding that I cant fix his drug addiction. If I chose I could run myself ragged trying to help him, and that woudl all just be a waste. He has to make the choice. He has to do the work. He has to figure out what he needs to keep from going back to the cocaine.

So my life feels like it has gone back to my normal. my work, my school, my cat, my excercise. my tv shows, my friends, my relationship with my dad, etc. But still he is a big part of my world.
Likewise ... he has his work, his psych appointments, his friendships, his tv shows, his workouts, his wacky relationship with his dad... But still Im a big part of his world.
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Old 04-03-2012, 12:33 PM
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Originally Posted by dbh View Post
I'm almost starting to feel like this is a codependency test for the members on this forum ...
Me, too, dbh. With age and experience, comes wisdom and understanding. Thank you for sharing your experiences. It sounds very similar to my own. If only I had sought out help at the place where Kelley is now . . .
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Old 04-03-2012, 01:41 PM
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I dont think you seem to realize that the AL ANON program is about US and our recovery...no one elses....

the thread started with this:

"BF Dad is causing us StReSS; should BF do more Drug Testing just to pacify him"


nothing there about you...it was started off "as the father and the BF"

i mentioned why back to the beginning of the post that this sounded alot like: choatic, disfunction and co dependent issues

FOR THE PROGRAM SAKE:
we need to stick to the program....

step #1 says it all.....
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Old 04-03-2012, 01:44 PM
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Originally Posted by KelleyF View Post
Let's see maybe 'after I pick out his clothes for the day, make sure he brushes his teeth.....or possibly wedged in-between my tennis lessons and massage, but Fredricko sometimes goes over... So maybe not then....possibly I could fit one in during my working hours...Extra long lunch...I mean I can't go later because I have to take BF for his walk...and then he has to have his pillow fluffed ... Oh and let's not forget the time it takes to make myself look sexy..wait that's only like two minutes.... I'll have to have my schedule coordinator look into this....

LOL
Niice *shakes my head*
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Old 04-03-2012, 02:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Thumper View Post
Of course he made all the arrangements and paid for it all etc. etc. I'm sure he'll give you the weeks pay to get of work. He wants you to go and he'll do whatever he can to make his will happen. You get down to California and there will be a house waiting there for you to move into. The very house your boyfriend says he does not want, in the state he does not want to be in.......but that is a minor detail. His voice is nothing more than an annoying insect buzz in his dad's ear, to be swatted and killed.

Of course your boyfriend is pissed. His dad is arranging for a couples retreat with a girlfriend (not a wife) to a place he does not like, in a state he does not like, without so much as running it past him. That would tick anyone off. Normal parents would never over step a line like that and normal adult children would not tolerate that.

Boyfriend ran away from his dad. You brought his dad back into his life. His dad has now brought you over to his side. You and him (the dad) are like a team now?! You say your boyfriend is being illogical. Are you listening to your boyfriends voice or just swatting that buzzing sound?

How exactly is this crack addict supposed to recover without a voice, without any space at all to get right with himself? He needs to stand still a minute but the rest of you keep spinning his world around like a top. If I had a crystal ball your boyfriend will either crash and burn very soon, or do another disappearing act. No man will be able to live under these conditions forever.

I appreciate your comments Thumper.

Even though BF dad set up the couples therapy; it doesnt mean we have to go.
If we decide not to; then either he just loses the money, or he gets a refund.

I dont think BF will go back to his house in CA. He has some bad memories there. He has made it quite clear to me that he wants to get rid of it.

Didnt have much choice but to bring his dad back into his life. Me and his friend had to make the decision when he was unconsious in hospital and the Drs asked about immediate family; beccause at one point the Drs thought his heart would stop and the ywouldnt be able to revive him. He had this heart infection that we didnt know about at the time. We thought his dad needed to know. I stand by that. I dont know if you are a parent, but I would hope that if your son was in that situation you would appreciate knowing his condition. Thats personal choice I know; but I had to follow my conscious as did BF friend.

BF not a crack addict; tried smoking it he said but didnt like it. First he snorted it (for a long time) but in the end for a few months he was shooting it. Probably worse than smoking crack. He got hooked on trying to push the dose as far as he could for the high. Very sick I know.

I hope he doesnt crash and burn; he has to learn to live with some level of stress. His dad wasnt always like this Im told. Im hoping; BF is hoping that he will settle down and ease up some soon. He's just a dad ; he is trying the best he knows how.
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