BF Dad is causing us StReSS; should BF do more Drug Testing just to pacify him
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As a long-term recovering addict/alcoholic who has seen the revolving door in NA/AA, and watched many relapses build up and happen, I see a relapse in your BF's future.
It may not happen tomorrow, heck it may not happen for a year, but it's coming.
The relationship between your BF and his dad is extremely unhealthy and toxic.
I had to changed the dynamics on my end of the deal with my family after I got clean/sober.
They were mad as hell, but I wanted to stay clean/sober with all my heart, and that was just part of the process.
I had to learn to stand on my own two feet, and not make decisions based out of guilt for the pain I caused my parents (I stayed stuck in guilt for several years after rehab).
I see so much of myself in you not so many years ago, and I know that you are going to do what you are going to do, regardless of input here.
I just wanted you to be prepared for the inevitable down the road.
If I'm wrong on that, I will be the first to apologize and admit I am wrong.
Sending you hugs of support.
It may not happen tomorrow, heck it may not happen for a year, but it's coming.
The relationship between your BF and his dad is extremely unhealthy and toxic.
I had to changed the dynamics on my end of the deal with my family after I got clean/sober.
They were mad as hell, but I wanted to stay clean/sober with all my heart, and that was just part of the process.
I had to learn to stand on my own two feet, and not make decisions based out of guilt for the pain I caused my parents (I stayed stuck in guilt for several years after rehab).
I see so much of myself in you not so many years ago, and I know that you are going to do what you are going to do, regardless of input here.
I just wanted you to be prepared for the inevitable down the road.
If I'm wrong on that, I will be the first to apologize and admit I am wrong.
Sending you hugs of support.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 445
((Freedom))
Thank you for your post; I do appreciate your insight; and I think you are right in that he is in a very dangerous situation with his dad especially on an emotional level.
I think the situation is complicated, because BF not only has to deal with his dad as a parent; but he also looks at him as a mentor in terms of his career, and a sort of keeper of the keys.
It has always been expected by dad 'that BF would one day be in a position to take over responsibility and leadership of his practice when he decides to retire. I wont even get into the complexities of that or the people it effects... but BF wants this.... and I think the pressure that he puts on himself because of this will either make or break him.
I dont think there is anything that I can do to really help him with this; I think it is something that he has to figure out on his own.
If you have any suggestions though... Im open to that.
As for me, I know that he may relapse again. I dont have a boundary in place that says I will leave if he does. Mainly because I feel it is impossible to tell what shape a relapse will take. Would it be another one time use, Would he start using again thinking he could handle a small amount - try to hide it from me... would he go on a binge and cheat on me again....?
I do have boundaries in place as far as knowing that I wont stay with an active addict. I wont stay with him if I cant trust him and to me that means if I find out he cheated again, or that he started using again continuously and hid it from me. etc. Probably really weak boundaries as far as many are conerned.... but right now thats all I have.
Anyway, now Im getting way off track...
Just wanted to really say thanks for your post.
kel
Thank you for your post; I do appreciate your insight; and I think you are right in that he is in a very dangerous situation with his dad especially on an emotional level.
I think the situation is complicated, because BF not only has to deal with his dad as a parent; but he also looks at him as a mentor in terms of his career, and a sort of keeper of the keys.
It has always been expected by dad 'that BF would one day be in a position to take over responsibility and leadership of his practice when he decides to retire. I wont even get into the complexities of that or the people it effects... but BF wants this.... and I think the pressure that he puts on himself because of this will either make or break him.
I dont think there is anything that I can do to really help him with this; I think it is something that he has to figure out on his own.
If you have any suggestions though... Im open to that.
As for me, I know that he may relapse again. I dont have a boundary in place that says I will leave if he does. Mainly because I feel it is impossible to tell what shape a relapse will take. Would it be another one time use, Would he start using again thinking he could handle a small amount - try to hide it from me... would he go on a binge and cheat on me again....?
I do have boundaries in place as far as knowing that I wont stay with an active addict. I wont stay with him if I cant trust him and to me that means if I find out he cheated again, or that he started using again continuously and hid it from me. etc. Probably really weak boundaries as far as many are conerned.... but right now thats all I have.
Anyway, now Im getting way off track...
Just wanted to really say thanks for your post.
kel
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Oh gosh..... Someone asked me; I think out of FEAR what kind of law BF practices.... Not to worry, he doesn't handle personal or criminal stuff....it's all corporate and business related. So most likely your all SAFE. Or are you?
You guys are a riot !
You guys are a riot !
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 227
Originally Posted by KelleyF 
((Freedom))
It has always been expected by dad 'that BF would one day be in a position to take over responsibility and leadership of his practice when he decides to retire. I wont even get into the complexities of that or the people it effects... but BF wants this.... and I think the pressure that he puts on himself because of this will either make or break him.
It has always been expected by dad 'that BF would one day be in a position to take over responsibility and leadership of his practice when he decides to retire. I wont even get into the complexities of that or the people it effects... but BF wants this.... and I think the pressure that he puts on himself because of this will either make or break him.
I know... I'm focusing on "fixing" your BF and this should be about you, but I felt compelled to comment. :-) This situation sounds really dysfunctional!
Hope the visit is uneventful.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
You say that dad is causing you two stress. I would say that your bf's stress is self-induced. He ended up in the situation he is in because he chose to do his DOC.
He has a choice as to what kind of relationship he's going to have with his father. He can make boundaries with his father. Of course, that is all out of your hands.
He has a choice as to what kind of relationship he's going to have with his father. He can make boundaries with his father. Of course, that is all out of your hands.
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Originally Posted by bluebelle
You say that dad is causing you two stress. I would say that your bf's stress is self-induced. He ended up in the situation he is in because he chose to do his DOC.
He has a choice as to what kind of relationship he's going to have with his father. He can make boundaries with his father. Of course, that is all out of your hands.
He has a choice as to what kind of relationship he's going to have with his father. He can make boundaries with his father. Of course, that is all out of your hands.
I was just asking someone why do I feelmso anxious over this? What power exactly does his dad have over him? None -except what he chooses.
He's never complained to his dad about any of the things he agreed to.
And it's not like he complains to me about it either, just once and a while which I think is normal.
He's actually in a good mood today; because I think he expects something good to come out of this meeting with his dad. Maybe that is why I'm anxious- I don't want him to be disappointed.
Anyway, unless it all goes south, we are all having dinner together later.
And after I talked with all of you about Easter dinner; I talked to him again, and he suggested we just drive up there tomorrow. With his dad for the day.
Of course pending how this whole thing turns out I guess.
So thank you Bluebelle- your right he caused his situation and I'm generating my own stress over it .
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BF dad is still here; so I will leave that for now.
But I do have a question....
I have read on SR in the past; that it is better for an addict or recovering addict to be left alone with their thoughts and feelings when dealing with emotional issues. That they need to experience this range of emotion full force....That it does them no service to be comforted and told; especially by a GF that they are good, and they are loved....
Backstory:
So this weekend, BF has had issues from the past, and consequences of his actions brought to light. It has been rather emotional for him at times, and he was feeling kinda down. His dad is staying at the house with him, but he asked me last night if I would spend the night because he didnt really want to be alone. I usually dont stay over there when I have to go to work the next morning because it is about an extra 30 minute drive to work in the morning... and part of it has had to do with our winter weather ... which is now gone ... but I digress....
Anyway, for a moment I debated this... but the debate in my head did not last long of course... I dont think I need to say which side won out.
But now today - Ive been thinking about it again... was that ok? Would it have been better for him in any way to have been left alone with those feelings?
Thoughts?
But I do have a question....
I have read on SR in the past; that it is better for an addict or recovering addict to be left alone with their thoughts and feelings when dealing with emotional issues. That they need to experience this range of emotion full force....That it does them no service to be comforted and told; especially by a GF that they are good, and they are loved....
Backstory:
So this weekend, BF has had issues from the past, and consequences of his actions brought to light. It has been rather emotional for him at times, and he was feeling kinda down. His dad is staying at the house with him, but he asked me last night if I would spend the night because he didnt really want to be alone. I usually dont stay over there when I have to go to work the next morning because it is about an extra 30 minute drive to work in the morning... and part of it has had to do with our winter weather ... which is now gone ... but I digress....
Anyway, for a moment I debated this... but the debate in my head did not last long of course... I dont think I need to say which side won out.
But now today - Ive been thinking about it again... was that ok? Would it have been better for him in any way to have been left alone with those feelings?
Thoughts?
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Addicts escape; that's what they do. Any escape route - they'll take - instead of dealing with reality and learning reality-based coping skills. They are magnificent professionals at finding a pillow to dive into, instead of doing the hard, painful work of learning to live life on life's terms. Take away one escape, they will gravitate toward another, if it's presented.
They don't tend to learn coping skills until all escapes are not available any longer.
CLMI
They don't tend to learn coping skills until all escapes are not available any longer.
CLMI
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Yep that was kinda what I remember reading before:
Escape = Avoidance = Not Really Healing
That is what I was worried about at first; but he mostly just wanted to talk to me about all of it. But I know the thoughts and conclusions have to come from him; he has to make peace deep down inside of himself...
He did talk to his dad; but his dad was part of all of it, so there were things he couldnt express to his dad right now I think.
Confusing.
Escape = Avoidance = Not Really Healing
That is what I was worried about at first; but he mostly just wanted to talk to me about all of it. But I know the thoughts and conclusions have to come from him; he has to make peace deep down inside of himself...
He did talk to his dad; but his dad was part of all of it, so there were things he couldnt express to his dad right now I think.
Confusing.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
It sounds like you already answered your own question.
You mentioned a lot about trying to figure out what your bf needs. It makes me wonder, what do you need?
I've seen this mentioned on here a lot, and I find it very helpful: imagine you have a hula hoop around you. What is inside that hula hoop is what you take care of. Everyone has their own little hula hoop, and that's their business. So, when I try to get into my bf's hula hoop--worrying about his decisions, analyzing his thoughts, etc.--then I am where I don't belong. I just have to kindly remind myself to get back into my own hula hoop.
That might sound like a silly analogy, but it works for me.
You mentioned a lot about trying to figure out what your bf needs. It makes me wonder, what do you need?
I've seen this mentioned on here a lot, and I find it very helpful: imagine you have a hula hoop around you. What is inside that hula hoop is what you take care of. Everyone has their own little hula hoop, and that's their business. So, when I try to get into my bf's hula hoop--worrying about his decisions, analyzing his thoughts, etc.--then I am where I don't belong. I just have to kindly remind myself to get back into my own hula hoop.
That might sound like a silly analogy, but it works for me.
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Bluebell and Anvil...
Bluebelle - No that's not silly; I can relate to that. And you can actually just about see the other persons thoughts, problems, stuff swirling around in that hoop.
I definitely think that there is a lot inside his hoola-hoop that I only know snippets about; Some things I know nothing about and thats fine with me A's we all need our personal thoughts, and experiences.
But I do think especially maybe in your first year together there is a tendency to learn and discover. I actually think it's necessary; otherwise how do you know if you share the same values, beliefs, etc. How do you know if your compatible.....I feel like learning what makes a person tick is really important if you are planning a future. Part of that has to come from past experiences.
I do know only snippets of his childhood; his college days, of his 1st job and life in NY, of his marriage, of his sons death, of everything really.
But some of it - it's important to understand his feelings related to that experience...because someday I do want to have kids for example.... His past experiences affect his outlook on that.
But this on Sunday... Part of what he got into with his dad was related to me in the NOW. He was with his dad alone all day Sunday; I was at home doing my stuff.... But his dad in his wisdom decided that it would be a good idea for "us" to attend a week long couples "thing" at the same place BF had rehab years ago. So he basically told Him this on Sunday and had a nice little packet of info: all set up for us; just call to schedule. Then he went on to tell BF that it had helped him and his wife (BF stepmom; his mom passed away). And so BF was like what are you guys doing going to a couples thing at a rehab... Well a whole story unfolded... And it was like nothing I've heard here on SR even... So after all that is when he asked me to come over.
But actually he and his dad were having a family session today at BF psychiatrist - so that is positive.... daddio actually did make iit out without the straight jacket..... Amazing. LoL
Bluebelle - No that's not silly; I can relate to that. And you can actually just about see the other persons thoughts, problems, stuff swirling around in that hoop.
I definitely think that there is a lot inside his hoola-hoop that I only know snippets about; Some things I know nothing about and thats fine with me A's we all need our personal thoughts, and experiences.
But I do think especially maybe in your first year together there is a tendency to learn and discover. I actually think it's necessary; otherwise how do you know if you share the same values, beliefs, etc. How do you know if your compatible.....I feel like learning what makes a person tick is really important if you are planning a future. Part of that has to come from past experiences.
I do know only snippets of his childhood; his college days, of his 1st job and life in NY, of his marriage, of his sons death, of everything really.
But some of it - it's important to understand his feelings related to that experience...because someday I do want to have kids for example.... His past experiences affect his outlook on that.
But this on Sunday... Part of what he got into with his dad was related to me in the NOW. He was with his dad alone all day Sunday; I was at home doing my stuff.... But his dad in his wisdom decided that it would be a good idea for "us" to attend a week long couples "thing" at the same place BF had rehab years ago. So he basically told Him this on Sunday and had a nice little packet of info: all set up for us; just call to schedule. Then he went on to tell BF that it had helped him and his wife (BF stepmom; his mom passed away). And so BF was like what are you guys doing going to a couples thing at a rehab... Well a whole story unfolded... And it was like nothing I've heard here on SR even... So after all that is when he asked me to come over.
But actually he and his dad were having a family session today at BF psychiatrist - so that is positive.... daddio actually did make iit out without the straight jacket..... Amazing. LoL
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It isn't amazing. His dad has large financial resources, powerful connections, a charming personality, high intelligence, sketchy past, and a great desire to control his sons life and has gone to extreme measures to do so, with no plans to stop. He has medical power of attorney so I'm sure he has talked to the psychiatrist, that I would guess is also getting paid by him, before this session.
He's adding you to the list of things to control. With money, with charm, with suggestions and recommendations, with his son, through his son, for his son. Regardless of the risks you are willing to take with your boyfriend I would suggest sky high boundaries between you and the father. Looking at the whole picture this is an incredibly dense mine field you are walking through. Be sure and keep your own autonomy, your own safety net, your own sense of self very very strong.
He's adding you to the list of things to control. With money, with charm, with suggestions and recommendations, with his son, through his son, for his son. Regardless of the risks you are willing to take with your boyfriend I would suggest sky high boundaries between you and the father. Looking at the whole picture this is an incredibly dense mine field you are walking through. Be sure and keep your own autonomy, your own safety net, your own sense of self very very strong.
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The more you write, the more RED FLAGS I am seeing.
If I was in this situation, I would have to say Adios.
Dad is only going to get worse. You always hear stories about the MIL from he!! and not as many about the FIL from he!!. He is quickly turning into the future FIL from he!! and that is no way to start a life together.
BF has a lot of baggage (wreckage of his past) to clean up and he has to do it ON HIS OWN.
Again, if this was me, I would be saying adios. Then maybe a year or so down the road should we run into each other and he is STILL clean and sober and working a program of recovery I would see if we were still attracted to each other, and go from there.
BF and father are rather quickly sucking you into their dance.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
If I was in this situation, I would have to say Adios.
Dad is only going to get worse. You always hear stories about the MIL from he!! and not as many about the FIL from he!!. He is quickly turning into the future FIL from he!! and that is no way to start a life together.
BF has a lot of baggage (wreckage of his past) to clean up and he has to do it ON HIS OWN.
Again, if this was me, I would be saying adios. Then maybe a year or so down the road should we run into each other and he is STILL clean and sober and working a program of recovery I would see if we were still attracted to each other, and go from there.
BF and father are rather quickly sucking you into their dance.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
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I think the reason he went ahead and made all the arrangements for the "couples thing" was because he figured there was a higher probability that we would actually go to it; if it was all laid out in front of us. And I think he really thought it would be helpful for us since he knows we want to move in together.
I did look through the whole packet and it doesnt sound that bad to me; has lots of individual sessions and combined couples sessions and activities. And the place looks nice. But BF is a little pissed about it. I guess he has bad memories of that place. But then how many people would have good memories of rehab? So that is probably not unusual Im thinking. Plus its back in CA and he has been having this issue going back there... bad memories I guess.. of the whole state ! thats kinda illogical. Only thing that bothers me is that its a whole week, and that means I would have to use vacation time for it.
oh and someone mentioned about his dad having the medica power of attorney. He has - for the last 3 months, but it actually expired (in writing) at the end of March.
And the psychiatrist and the blood work... I dont think his dad has been paying for these things all these months , but I never really asked.
I did look through the whole packet and it doesnt sound that bad to me; has lots of individual sessions and combined couples sessions and activities. And the place looks nice. But BF is a little pissed about it. I guess he has bad memories of that place. But then how many people would have good memories of rehab? So that is probably not unusual Im thinking. Plus its back in CA and he has been having this issue going back there... bad memories I guess.. of the whole state ! thats kinda illogical. Only thing that bothers me is that its a whole week, and that means I would have to use vacation time for it.
oh and someone mentioned about his dad having the medica power of attorney. He has - for the last 3 months, but it actually expired (in writing) at the end of March.
And the psychiatrist and the blood work... I dont think his dad has been paying for these things all these months , but I never really asked.
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
ya know what is sad, kelley, IMHO???? ok my hardly ever humble opinion? we don't know a thing about YOU....we know HIS story, in detail, but
nothing.
about.
YOU.
except that you are 28 and in school for something.
nothing.
about.
YOU.
except that you are 28 and in school for something.
un-memorable. LOL
my latest factoid... my cat threw up on my bed; hairball. yuck.
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