December2011

What is it with all these girls in here that are so worried about their ABF or the RBF leaves them??? I am confused.

December2011

I spent years trying to get rid of my AS.... I can't imagine giving a damn about some guy.. and worrying that he is going to leave me?????? when he is the F'd up one.

I will never understand

Windmills

Maybe you shouldn't have posted this thread. Belittling someone else's pain surely can't make you feel better?
I think it's really rude and insensitive of you to make these comments- even down to you saying 'girls' rather than 'women'- does that mean youre only referring to younger members rather than wives with 10+ years? Your pain is not more important than anyone else's.

shockozulu

I don't know why it took this 30 something year old woman over 12 years to go no contact from my addict mother. After all, I wasn't financially reliant upon her for anything.

Oh yes, perhaps it was because she was my mother that made it so hard.

Just maybe.

* Feel free to substitute mother with bf/husband/son/daughter. The message is still the same.

December2011

look, it is because of posts that state things like-----my Bf that abused me and treated me like sh** is finally in treatment, and I am scared he is going to leave me!!!! I say--I can not take it anymore... really??????

December2011

sorry, I had to delete my last 2 post because they were too personal

I hear you , shock, but I also hear people here that have no history. they have some dude in rehab, that treated them like sh**, but they are worried that he is going to leave them? this is my Q... WTF

YearForMe

I so totally hear ya december......and concur

We date to see what the other brings to the relationship. If you are worried that an addict will leave you...then you have other issues besides worrying if he will leave.

Set the bar higher for yourself. Do the hard work on yourself.

If all women set the bar higher....men would have to work harder for our time and affection. Think about it....Women used to choose men who could provide for them. Then women went to work. And then we paired up for love....and now we expect little from them.........so little that an addict and all of the chaos and drama that goes with it is ok with us.

Arrrgggghhhh...sorry for the mini rant

December2011

Look, I have low self worth and was raised by a drug fiend dad that beat the crap out of me and my mom, and i have a horrible son who is shooting oxy(he was always kind of lazy and a jerk without drugs) but I never put up with a guy that was a jerk. It just gets me going to hear that women are afraid that some dude is going to leave them.. after abuse???? I seriously need a break from this room

December2011

ty year.. i think I have given what I can here, and this room is to much for me at this time

cangel2

I think that everyone's personal pain is worthy of consideration. I don't think that the number of years one has experienced it or the nature of the relationship (child, bf, parent etc) makes it more or less valid.

We all have a path to follow. The best we can offer anyone is support, understanding and at a minimum an empathetic ear.

Judgement is misplaced I think.....we may not understand or relate to what brought someone here looking for support.....but what we can do is offer our experiences with recovery in hopes of providing some helpful tools for those reaching out for help....

My 2 cents....

December2011

I get it , cangel.. i just don't care. that is bad I know

December2011

Sorry Wind, I do not think that worrying about whether or not a drug addicted abusive guy leaves a person is good. A post just killed me. Someone said that they were worried if the druggie was going to leave them, and they had kids!!!!!

Windmills

It can't be pleasant to feel that way. I hope you find peace soon.

Windmills

I used to be terrified my XABF would leave. It was insane. He is a horrible, abusive person but I felt how I felt and it's taken me a long time to even reconcile the Jekyll and Hyde characters as being the same man.
I do agree it's hard to understand unless you've been there, but surely insulting people for their feelings is unfair?

CanfixONLYme

Dec ... stop focusing on others recoveries or lack thereof and focus on your own backyard which im sure has a lot of crap in it. Why else would you be here?? Tell me this:Where else are these people who are lost and hurting suppose to go ESP. when they are very confused, conflicted and probably victims of abuse??
This is probably one of the best and safest places they can
Come and express themselves and MANY of them slowly change their tune as they heal themselves. Is that a bad thing?? I think not.

To have you coming on here throwing your "WTF" comments is rude insensitive and hey... NO ONE is FORCING you to read these posts.

"WTF!?"

ctg492

What I struggled with when I started the journey of learning about myself when my son started his personal journey to recover, was the Entire Line of thoughts that the addiction was not my issues it was his. The three Cs, the I was an Enabler, I could not do anything to keep him clean. I knew he loved me and his father and we loved him, for goodness sakes he was our son, how could my love not conquer this. Yet the meetings/lectures/readings and this site put it all in my face that I had to Let Go. It was so hard and I Understand it Now. There is no one perfect, set in stone way to deal how addiction affects the person and the loved ones. We have to take what we learn and do the best with it that we can.
I was raised to never take abuse from a man, be strong and independent person. In my relationship we have been equal and respectful to each other for 30+ years. Yet I let my son walk all over me, mentally abuse me, drain my money and such. How could that happen when from anyone else I would have never taken it?? But I did, till I got strong. SO having this happen to me, though I never understood how a woman could put up with crap, I guess I do understand now in a strange way.
We all do what we do till something changes or we are the change.
I hope for the best for everyone here.

illbewaiting

I personally think this is a bit rude too.
I think we all know that when in a relationship with an addict, whoever they may be to us(BF,husband,daughter,son,mother,father,etc) we become addicted to them in some right.
And these WOMEN saying that they don't want their addict to leave them, well.. I can say I've been there. It isn't even necessarily the thought of them leaving us that inspires fear, it's the thought that they could make poor choices and leave everyone in this world.. At least that was my greatest fear.
My fiance is in recovery. We have history together, we have a child together.
He has never been abusive to me or anyone else in his life, on or off drugs, that just isn't the man that he is.
And yes, the thought has crossed my mind to leave, but we all eventually reach our bottom and the fight or flight point.
Me personally, I'm still willing to fight because the good far outweighs the bad in my situation, so far.
I can't tell you what the future holds, but for now we are both in our own forms of recovery and taking life one step at a time and living in the present, not the past or the future.
I just don't think you have the right to judge and pick apart someone's post, especially when you don't know their entire back story or what is going through their heads at the moment they wrote whatever they did.
As CanfixONLYme said, focus on your own backyard, you've got no business in anyone else's if you are going to respond in this way.
We are all here for one reason or another, mainly support, and I have noticed that recently a lot of people here are becoming bitter and argumentative, perhaps because of something THEY are unhappy with in THEIR life?
Some things are just better left unsaid/unwritten, don't you agree?

Windmills

You know when I go to meetings, they say 'leave behind those thoughts and opinions you cannot accept and take with you those you find most helpful'. Maybe you should try this, OP, as it's obviously your own issues that are making you feel so strongly about this.
Also I think this thread will be upsetting to the newcomer who has obviously triggered this thought process for you.

illbewaiting

That's very true Wind.. I know if I had come here in the beginning of my own personal recovery(which I am still going through) and read this I probably would have gone off on this person.. I wasn't entirely stable a year or so ago heh. Now I can analyze these deeply impersonal comments and respond in what I would like to think is a calm,mature manner.
I just think that coming here of all places to attack what people are going through is a bit malicious.. We're all living in the same world here at SR.
It just disappoints me when I've seen so many posts/replies lately where people are being rotten to people who just need a gentle kick in the butt or a little advice.
Bleh.
I guess I'm a little emotional today!

jolinda

I found this site, and needed help. Dont u think i no what to do? I ts getting the support i need that will help me. And this isnt it. After 25 years with the same man, and he was everything to me. I loved him more than words can say but im working on myself now and your comments have really upset me. Thats the last thing i need to hear. Shame on you