Need some support to stay strong and focused

Old 03-20-2012, 09:24 AM
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Need some support to stay strong and focused

My boyfriend of 9 years, with 7 months in recovery has once again lost his housing. Having been in a program only a short time myself, but being a full blown codie, I of course felt so bad for him (house is being sold and new owners want to live in it) as it wasnt his fault, this time. I trully believe that he is really trying to work his program and make things right in his life. I wanted to help so badly, I know this is just my "rescue" trait kicking in. I have my own home and a empty bedroom as one of my kids moved out. But as much as I feel for him, my mind is telling me NO! In all the time I have known him he has never had steady employment, he doesnt even have a bank account, he has nothing to his name, which is why most apartment places wont even consider him. his credit score is in the bottom basement. But my heart is still saying DO SOMETHING! I even considered putting my name on his lease so that he could use my good credit to secure housing and continue on his path to recovery... but then I remember if his income goes down.. I become legally responsible to pay the rent or it counts against my credit. I KNOW its not a wise financial decision to put myself on the line for him, even if he is in recovery and trying hard. I KNOW he is in this position because of his own choices.. but fighting against my own inner voices to help, help, fix, fix, rescue, rescue is SOOO hard, especially when you love someone and trying to give them every chance to make it and stuff like this happens.

Its just a huge struggle for me and I actually feel GUILTY for not helping him. He got very upset when I told him no but said he understood why I cant help, but it was that look in his eyes.. made me feel so bad. He is a 43 year old man.. he should be able to secure his own housing at this point his life right? why do I feel so bad for him and crazy desire to make it all better is so hard to overcome.

Hoping someone has good words to keep me strong and steadfast....
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Old 03-20-2012, 09:34 AM
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if he is in a recovery community there is PLENTY of housing and roommate situations!!

craigslist too.

this is certainly NOT a reason for him to relapse

do NOT sign a lease for him!!!!!!!!!!!!!! who in the world would ANYONE sign a lease for?
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Old 03-20-2012, 11:35 AM
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Why would you want to deprive him of opportunity to find his own self-worth, dignity and self-respect to solve his own problems like most adults do ?

What a loving gift you can give him by allowing him to figure it out for himself rather than rescue him!

Granted he may not see this at first, but if he is truly seeking a new way of life, if he wants something different he has to be willing to do something different and this is part of it . . .

YOU are giving him the ability to do that ~ you are not enabling him, you are stepping back out of the way ~ allowing him to walk that path to a brighter, healthier future

That my friend is true, healthy love and friendship ~ what a beautiful gift!

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Old 03-20-2012, 12:06 PM
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trying to find a balance
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You are doing the right thing and I am sure in the long run this is the best thing for him! Good for you for listening to your gut and sticking to it!
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Old 03-20-2012, 12:29 PM
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We codependents have a tendency to feel responsible for all sorts of things that are well beyond our control. The first lesson is to stop acting on our emotions.

You are not his only option.
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Old 03-20-2012, 12:42 PM
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Wow, this thread is so speaking to me. Thank you everyone, I am in the exact same place as Crystafur with the burning, overwhelming desire to fix my son. He is 22 now and just relapsed. He MAY be homeless and on drugs or he MAY be working on his recovery, but one thing I am trying to accept is he is NOT calling me to ask for rescue.
I think this is a good thing but my old ways want to swoop in and do everything for him.
Crystafur, I suggest you read all of the posts and stickies at the top as they are full of help and wisdom as is the posters who are responding to you. codependency is as pervasive as the addiction and takes work to overcome.
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Old 03-20-2012, 01:44 PM
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Its just a huge struggle for me and I actually feel GUILTY for not helping him.
If you were to give into your guilt by assisting him, you'd set him back.

The funny thing about the disease is we stay involved with an addict because we love them. We don't like seeing them suffer, or struggle. But bailing them out sends the wrong message. It enforces helplessness. Trust me on this; for a good chunk of 2011, I enabled my AXGF, and it didn't do her any good, or me. This is where you have to detach with love, and whatever is meant to happen will happen.

Remember: doing the right thing sometimes means doing something we don't necessarily want to do.

Best of luck.

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