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One Year Ago Tonight...

Old 03-14-2012, 09:39 PM
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One Year Ago Tonight...

...my then AGF orally ingested the contents of a Fentanyl patch and almost died.

I had an exam scheduled the next day, but I didn't take it. It was graduate level electrodynamics, and I wasn't in any shape to take it. It was like the life had been drained out of me. But what it really did, in hindsight, was color how I interacted with her from that point on. Suffice to say it wasn't healthy. I didn't trust her judgement. I was flying codie colors from that point on, and I enabled her for months after that episode.

Looking back, knowing what I now know she was doing behind my back, what drugs did for her was mask her true nature: she is a very, very sick woman with a character disorder. Medicine doesn't help something like that. Neither does being hospitalized, to tell you the truth.

As well as I've been doing, as happy as I am, when I think back to that dark night, it hurts. It makes me very sad. Because there was some part of me that knew I was in over my head, a part of me that was screaming "Get out!!"...and I didn't listen to it. I'm sad because, in the end, after all the support and the suffering, I was denigrated and discarded.

My "Lessons Learned" file has gotten pretty thick over the last several months, after finding Al Anon and reading about Borderline Personality Disorder. The biggest lesson, the ultimate takeaway, is when my instinct is telling me to get out, I need to listen to it.

When I read the stories of all the new people that come to the board every day, they evoke a lot of memories with stories about their boyfriends, girlfriends, and spouses. All I can say is please listen to your instincts. Be honest with yourself about what you can handle and what you can't. I wasn't honest with myself, and it cost me dearly.

My fear of losing my AGF to an overdose paralyzed me for months. It could, potentially, still happen. But I'm free of that fear now. Step 3 is turning our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understand Him. But it's not just our will and our lives. It's pain and fear, too. There are just some things I can't handle on my own. So I've asked for help, and I've handed over my pain and fear over to God. And He's listened. My AXGF is now in the hands of her Higher Power. Whatever happens happens.

I acknowledge the pain she has caused me. I sit with it and accept it. And then I push forward. As long as I'm alive, there's always tomorrow.

ZoSo
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Old 03-15-2012, 07:26 AM
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Growing pains. We all get them. It doesn't make it hurt any less knowing that though. There is so much about addiction that defies explanation. Throw a personality disorder in there (chemically induced?) and it's a recipe for disaster.

The steps do work, don't they. It sounds like you're doing really well in your own recovery. It does work if you work it.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 03-15-2012, 07:40 AM
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((PINK HUGS))

thanks for sharing your journey with us!

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Old 03-15-2012, 07:42 AM
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Originally Posted by zoso77 View Post
...

Be honest with yourself about what you can handle and what you can't. I wasn't honest with myself, and it cost me dearly.
Thank you for sharing this, zoso.

I think a lot of us arrive here with an overinflated sense of the power of love, inadequate knowledge of the power of drugs and a case of terminal uniqueness (my situation is different). I know I did. And then we learn.
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Old 03-15-2012, 10:42 AM
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Originally Posted by zoso77 View Post
I wasn't honest with myself, and it cost me dearly.
A couple of days ago I posted elsewhere "the worst decision I made with my daughter, was the one I made with myself first."

My internal compass broke the moment I did that. I decided I wouldn't attempt to fix it, I got a new one instead.

Wishing you many blessings on your new journey
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Old 03-15-2012, 11:11 AM
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Thank you for this Zoso. This reminds me of what I have been doing to myself over the last year of my life. An addict exBF coupled with a personality disorder for sure. I bookmarked this page to read again. Today I addressed him (will post something soon for support) and it turned into a hostile situation where I definitely feel tossed away. . . what BPDs are definitely good at. What I keep telling myself is why didn't I over the last year listen to that voice?
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Old 03-15-2012, 01:51 PM
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Originally Posted by madisonblake View Post
Thank you for this Zoso. This reminds me of what I have been doing to myself over the last year of my life. An addict exBF coupled with a personality disorder for sure. I bookmarked this page to read again. Today I addressed him (will post something soon for support) and it turned into a hostile situation where I definitely feel tossed away. . . what BPDs are definitely good at. What I keep telling myself is why didn't I over the last year listen to that voice?
Dealing with someone else's addiction is difficult enough. But when you factor BPD into the mix, it's virtually impossible to have something stable with that person.

As hurtful as it was initially, my AXGF did me a favor. She let me go. And now I'm living the life I want to live. Professionally, musically, personally...everything's been better since she left (now I just need to get back into grad school and finish my MS). But the biggest reason why I'm doing well is I decided I was going to do well. We don't have control over what other people do or say. We can only control ourselves, and for me, I could either mope around and be depressed, or be thankful for the things I do have and rebuild my life. To be frank, my AXGF isn't worth it, and I decided I wasn't going to let a sick person take me down.

So, Madison, feel whatever is you feel. Sit with it. Accept it. Ask God for help when it gets too much to handle, and then hand it off to Him. And then tell yourself, over and over, that you're going to be OK. Because you will be. But you have to decide that you're going to be OK. There is life after a relationship with an addict. There is life after a relationship with a Borderline. Be thankful for what you have, and take your power back.

All The Best,
ZoSo
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Old 03-19-2012, 07:32 PM
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Thanks Zoso. Yes, these people are truly sick. I can't say that I'm completely in forgiveness mode and I don't know if I will ever forgive the things that have happened. At least I can't see how I could. My ex is obviously sick. I know this. I just went through your posts and I see how far you've come since January which is only a few months ago. I know that a few months from now in summer I will be feeling like I've made the strides you have as long as I never ever break down and have contact with this sick individual again.

I'll be thinking of you and thank you for helping me.
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Old 03-19-2012, 07:46 PM
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Originally Posted by madisonblake View Post
Thanks Zoso. Yes, these people are truly sick. I can't say that I'm completely in forgiveness mode and I don't know if I will ever forgive the things that have happened. At least I can't see how I could. My ex is obviously sick. I know this. I just went through your posts and I see how far you've come since January which is only a few months ago. I know that a few months from now in summer I will be feeling like I've made the strides you have as long as I never ever break down and have contact with this sick individual again.

I'll be thinking of you and thank you for helping me.
Thank you for your kind words, and thankful that I've been able to help. As, hopefully, you'll be able to help someone that's gone through something similar to what you have.

I'm not in forgiveness mode either, Madison. There's a difference between showing compassion for someone and forgiving someone. To me, compassion isn't so much about the other person as it is about us. In my ex, what my AXGF did was, frankly, disgusting. But, we're all nicked in some way or another, and when I say my prayers at night, I ask God to protect her and keep her safe. And I believe praying for that has helped heal me. Just because I find her revolting doesn't mean I wish ill will on her. Just the opposite. I just don't want anything to do with her for as long as I live.

For me, recovery was a choice: I'm going to get through this. And part of that is getting honest with myself in terms of where I went wrong. I was in fantasy land with her. I took her at her word...when there was no evidence that she was trustworthy. Well, she did me a favor by exposing herself to be as sick as they come.

When you're ready for move forward with your life, you'll have good days and bad days. And that's OK. Just keeping doing the right things. Find a meeting or two that you like to go to. Pay attention to people who post here: CynicalOne, AnvilHead, and others like them are must reads. Just decide I'm going to be OK. And go out and live your life and have some fun.

PM me whenever you wish.

ZoSo
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Old 03-19-2012, 07:46 PM
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Good for you for taking back your life and owning your happiness. My AM also has BPD, so I can imagine where you are coming from. It sounds like you had a rough journey, but you learned a lot from it. I'm sorry that it had to be a painful journey. I know with me, it sometimes takes a whole lot of pain and lessons before I "get it."

I have also been working on handing my AM's life over to God. It's a good reminder that we also have to ask for help. Not only can I not fix my mom, but I need help from HP with my feelings of fear and sadness.

Thank you for sharing.
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