One Year Ago Tonight...
...my then AGF orally ingested the contents of a Fentanyl patch and almost died.
I had an exam scheduled the next day, but I didn't take it. It was graduate level electrodynamics, and I wasn't in any shape to take it. It was like the life had been drained out of me. But what it really did, in hindsight, was color how I interacted with her from that point on. Suffice to say it wasn't healthy. I didn't trust her judgement. I was flying codie colors from that point on, and I enabled her for months after that episode.
Looking back, knowing what I now know she was doing behind my back, what drugs did for her was mask her true nature: she is a very, very sick woman with a character disorder. Medicine doesn't help something like that. Neither does being hospitalized, to tell you the truth.
As well as I've been doing, as happy as I am, when I think back to that dark night, it hurts. It makes me very sad. Because there was some part of me that knew I was in over my head, a part of me that was screaming "Get out!!"...and I didn't listen to it. I'm sad because, in the end, after all the support and the suffering, I was denigrated and discarded.
My "Lessons Learned" file has gotten pretty thick over the last several months, after finding Al Anon and reading about Borderline Personality Disorder. The biggest lesson, the ultimate takeaway, is when my instinct is telling me to get out, I need to listen to it.
When I read the stories of all the new people that come to the board every day, they evoke a lot of memories with stories about their boyfriends, girlfriends, and spouses. All I can say is please listen to your instincts. Be honest with yourself about what you can handle and what you can't. I wasn't honest with myself, and it cost me dearly.
My fear of losing my AGF to an overdose paralyzed me for months. It could, potentially, still happen. But I'm free of that fear now. Step 3 is turning our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understand Him. But it's not just our will and our lives. It's pain and fear, too. There are just some things I can't handle on my own. So I've asked for help, and I've handed over my pain and fear over to God. And He's listened. My AXGF is now in the hands of her Higher Power. Whatever happens happens.
I acknowledge the pain she has caused me. I sit with it and accept it. And then I push forward. As long as I'm alive, there's always tomorrow.
ZoSo